Comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
Have you noticed the phenomenon where extremist Republican politicians say that America “is a republic not a democracy”? What does that mean? Does that mean that white men are supposed to be in charge? Does that mean everyone should have an assault rifle? How can we stop the madness?
—Heidi in Missoula, Mont.
Yes, I have noticed that. It happened here in Nashville last week. I don’t know if you’ve been following what’s been going on here in Nashville, Heidi. It’s horrible.
A bunch of white Republicans decided to expel two black Democrats from the state legislature. They got condemned for it — nationally. It was great, because they fucking deserved it. And the expelled Democrats — Reps. Justin Jones and Justin Pearson — have been reinstated. But those white Republicans still have all the power. They have an unchallengeable “supermajority” — whatever the hell that is. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in the Bible about supermajorities. I guess if there was a “supermajority” in the Bible, it would have been the Romans. Did I mention that these white Republicans call themselves Christians?
The Black politicians were begging for gun laws after a school shooting that happened here on March 27. The white “supermajority” didn’t want to hear it, so they kicked them out.
How did Republicans achieve this hilariously named but deadly serious supermajority, you ask? Gerrymandering, that’s how. In case you don’t know, gerrymandering is when the party in power redraws their state’s voting districts in a way that guarantees they will win future elections. You should see the crazy shapes! In any properly functioning democracy, gerrymandering would be illegal.
“Gerrymandering” isn’t in the Bible, either. If it was, the Romans would have been the supermajority doing it. The supermajority would also have been in charge of crucifixions.
“A gerrymandered supermajority shall inherit the earth.” -Satan
So anyway, over the past couple weeks, the gerrymandered, “Christian,” nearly-all-white Republican supermajority that’s in charge of the Tennessee House of Representatives got called racists by pretty much the whole world. They didn’t like it. A group of them were secretly recorded talking about how much they didn’t like it. Interestingly, nowhere on the tape do any of these guys cite “not being racist” as one of the reasons they hate it iso much.
Rep. Scott Cepicky says, “The left wants Tennessee so bad, because if they get us, the Southeast falls, and it’s game over for the republic.” Rep. Jason Zachary says, “They [Democrats] destroy the republic and the foundation of who we are, or we preserve it.” A lot of “republic,” very little “I’m not a racist.”
So what is the difference between a democracy and a republic? I researched it, and the answer is: nothing, really. They’re the same thing. Republicans like to say America is a “republic” because “republic” is part of the word “REPUBLICAN.” I’m not kidding.
Regardless of what we call it, America is a community. EARTH is a goddamn community. A community whose children are being torn apart by guns. What are we going to do?
“Gerrymandering” and “supermajority” are just word salad that means “fuck everybody.” Let’s vote these anti-democracy, anti-republic, anti-kindness, pro-meanness monsters out.
