When Forgiveness Isn’t A Virtue
By Ijeoma Oluo
As a survivor of sexual abuse and assault, and as an advocate for survivors of abuse and assault, I hear a lot about forgiveness. I am forwarded stories on the power of forgiveness, I’m lectured on the need for forgiveness, I’m offered lessons on forgiveness.
But I also hear about forgiveness from survivors of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.
“How can I forgive?” They ask.
“Why can’t I forgive?” They also ask.
“What is wrong with me?” They ask even more.
My own lived experience and the experience of reading hundreds of letters from survivors of abuse has led me to this conclusion: You don’t have to forgive anybody ever. Further, forgiveness can be bad for you.
We often talk about healing from wrongs committed against us as being a part of the revenge/forgiveness binary. Your base nature wants revenge for the crimes against you. You obsess and rage and it causes you pain. The only way to free yourself from this is forgiveness; you must let go of the harm done to you and to wish those who harmed you well, therefore releasing the both of you from the prison of anger and pain. Some take it even further to say that you must push past forgiveness and even into reconciliation — making amends with the person who harmed you…
