What does Feminine Strength Mean to You?

Lately, I have been surrounding myself with strong female figures. The goal is growth. Whenever I want to expand in a specific area, in this case my feminine strength, I seek inspiration from other women who acknowledge their process or already exude strength. It started with Maya Angelou’s biography on Netflix, where she describes how many times she was discouraged to be herself, and her mission to find her voice. Angelou says it best:

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise. (Still I Rise)

Then, there was Michelle Obama in Becoming, where she acknowledges the foundation of her early childhood and the moment she stepped into the role of being the First Lady (Netflix). I appreciated that both women shared their unique experience as African Americans, who not only were expected to look a certain way but to act with specific emotions. Michelle Obama acknowledges how difficult it is to maintain your sense of identity, when the eyes of the American public and the onslaught of the American press are always critiquing your dress, your hand gestures, and the words that you say. The worst thing about her experience was that her words were powerful but because America could not get past preconceived racial stereotypes about black women being ‘too aggressive’ or ‘angry’, that her message only resonated with people aware of their own (sub)conscious biases. Yet, she still pushed on. She learned how to live her life within the confines of the system, created by the government and the role created by our society. She not only pushed on, adapted, and adjusted, she thrived. Of the first ladies in my lifetime, she is the most memorable and beloved by the majority of Americans. She rose above adversity and created her own space within the bounds of her new reality, while at the same time playing the full-time role of a mother and a wife to her husband.

Meanwhile, I also read about how the Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein, which is a guide to a life filled with love and trust for the universe’s power and guidance. This spiritual book shares inspirational stories on how people overcome their own fears and place their faith in the universe leading to greater abundance. I took my time, carefully considering each chapter that lists simple steps on how to lean in more to your faith. I reflected on what fears are impeding my progress as a strong woman in today’s world, and then I actively practiced overcoming them and building my faith in the universe.

Over the past 9 weeks, I have also participated in the The Science of Well-being course, designed by Professor Laurie Santos from Yale University (Coursera). Referencing several happiness psychology studies and completing rewirement challenges that enable me to change my behaviors over time, I am learning what serves me and what is best left in the past. Studies prove that social media has a negative affect on our happiness over time, yet activities like meditation, mindfulness, diet, and exercise can only positively increase our moods. I am also still working through what American society defines as happiness: a good job, a high salary, and a nice house. Happiness is essential to supporting your strength. The practices of daily meditation, of a plant-based diet, and savoring each moment have only empowered me to appreciate myself and my inner strength all the more.

Usually the first thing out the door when we are sad, depressed, or frustrated is our regular workout routine. At least for me it is. But being strong both physically and mentally is how we maintain connection with the here and now and enable ourselves to process what we are feeling internally in an external mechanism. My partner and I have made it a priority to complete a 45 minute workout with free weights each morning. Let’s be realistic, there are days where I do not sleep and choose to skip, but we go to sleep with the intention of this aspect of our routine each night. After just 10 pushups (knees down, elbows back) and 20 squats (turned out, widened stance), I’m ready to conquer the rest of the sequence. We get to look into each other’s eyes when our ankles are locked and we go through our sit-up sets. DMX blasting, I read what he is releasing or what he is enjoying, as we progress through the reps. As I lower-lift my legs in the next exercise, we reach 15 and I close my eyes, I imagine kicking all of my naysayers in the chest and pushing them out of my path. Working out together is a way for us to communicate without saying a word. Here's a free workout to get started:

Then, where do I speak my mind? Lately, page upon page in my journal.

I start the day with my Gratitude entry:

1) What Lessons Did I Learn Yesterday? (Especially the ones I didn’t like at first)

2) What / Who am I grateful for?

3) What are the special moments that I savored yesterday?

I have been writing this one page entry for almost two years now, and when I am in regular practice, I smile more often throughout the day. I also show-up for the Universe’s lessons, especially the bad ones, just like Gabrielle Bernstein advises (The Universe Has Your Back).

Then, I meditate. It’s the most important, sacred, and special moment of my day. It’s just for me. 20 minutes of silence where I sit with my thoughts, sort through them, and release them to the Universe. In the past 50 days, I have really enjoyed the guidance of Deepak Chopra and Oprah in a variety of meditation programs. This month’s theme is Manifesting Desires in the program entitled Energy of Attraction. The reality is you have abundance, you can align yourself, and you can reflect your inner desires upon your outer reality. Now, I’m not talking about thinking about your next mortgage or big purchase. This is a time for you to sit with yourself and discover your deepest desires. Is it love, hope, or strength you seek? Our deepest desires sometimes seem so simple, and manifesting them will also happen naturally in a flow, as long as you get out of your own way.

I find one of the double-edged characteristics of a strong woman like myself is that I am so damn hard on myself. When meditating on judgment the other day, I came to a realization: I judge myself harder and more frequently than anyone else in my life. Self-judgment can be a positive attribute, as I appear to have higher standards than what I see in the external world. At the same time, self-judgment can also be a limiting factor. When you constantly judge every move you make and every word you say, you block yourself from truly experiencing and from truly speaking. I am the first person holding my hand and covering my mouth when presented with crossroads in my life. Acknowledging my self-judgment is the first step.

At the same time, I do believe that I create my own versions of success. Throughout our lives, particularly in early childhood and school moments (the first system we enter), we are told what success means and how to achieve it. Systems in order to operationalize and to maintain economic growth, showcase a pathway to achievement. By achieving good grades, we should receive a merit scholarship and praise from our parents. Being selected for the lead in the school musical, means we are the most talented singer and actor of the students who audition. Looking back 14 years after high school graduation, I can now see that these success factors do play a role as you continue to enter into new systems, such as higher education or corporate America. But the fact that you got straight A’s or starred in the musical, don’t actually correlate with your ability to produce a thought-provoking essay in college nor to successfully execute a technical implementation project.

So, then, what are the success factors for a strong woman? Is it the Grit that Angela Duckworth writes about in her book? Can our success factors even be boiled down to a singular list? Probably not, considering all of our experiences and personalities are unique. But if you are seeking inspiration, just as I was over the past few months, sitting with myself and prominent women of our time, consider the following:

Success Factors for Strong Women:

1. Happiness
2. Perseverance
3. Feeling the feels
4. Letting it Go
5. Trusting in the Universe
6. Being Inspired by those before us
7. Oneness
8. Sitting with yourself

Care to elaborate? Sure, let’s take each quality or action one at a time:

Happiness

Are you living a truly happy and grateful life? Which areas of your life do you seek to bring in more joy?

If we see happiness as a quality that we can improve in our life, we can do exactly that. I recommend investigating The Science of Well-being course. Here, you can examine in real time what brings you joy and what areas of your life you should let go.

Perseverance

The reality is that as a woman, you do have cards stacked against you. The other reality is that you can decide to take those cards and build a bridge towards your goal or to blow at them in frustration without them moving an inch. Acknowledge it and use what you have to push forward. And keep pushing! 

All of the successes in my life are owed to my willingness to continue and to get creative on how to address the challenge at hand. Think about one of your more recent successes: how did it feel achieving that goal; what stood in your path along the way; how did you overcome your obstacles? Did having obstacles make that mountain worth the climb?

Feeling the Feels

Do you stop yourself from expressing how you feel? Are you told that being emotional is weak?

It’s okay to be sad, disappointed, angry, upset. If you’re like me, you might need to learn to find the time and actually let yourself just feel. Just cry your eyes out or scream in the shower. Take your moment. And only after you have fully felt the pit of your despair or wrath, take a step back up the mountain.

Oh, and also, it is okay to talk about it with other people you trust. We are all human, and I have found in the recent year that many people see strength in vulnerability. Or else, you’re just a robot, really.

Letting it Go

So, you felt all the feels. Now, it’s time to let it go. Not just the emotions you have exerted, but also the control you seek to have over the situation.

I don’t know why I do this, but I feel like when I am emotional that I am out of control and I need to overcompensate for my feelings. It’s one thing to give yourself a kick in the ass, but you are enough, don’t feel like you have to be more than you already are in the situation.

For example, many people are looking for a job right now either because they have been furloughed, laid off, or realized that their job just isn’t fulfilling. With digital applications, it is so easy to hit that ‘Easy Apply’ button on LinkedIn time after time again, as a mindless activity. This is not the letting go we’re discussing here. This is just putting your fear on autopilot. Next time you feel yourself swept in the easy way of getting to the next step, consider pausing and thinking “What would make me most happy in my next step?” I know that this pause may not be available to all of us right now, given that you may be the head of your household, responsible for providing for a family, but just give yourself a moment. Take a deep breath, read about the company to see if it would be a health environment for you, see if they even acknowledge bringing various voices to the table, and if you are able to achieve 50% or more of the job description, then send in your cover letter. And once it’s out there and you’ve possibly networked with people at the company, let it go. It’s the Universe’s turn to show you whether or not this job is a true opportunity for you.

Trusting in the Universe

When you have lost all hope where do you turn?

Once you let it go, you really need to lean into your faith in the universe. There is an energy surrounding each of us and our path through life, and sometimes we just need to trust that good things will come our way. Very often we think we know what we want in relation to our career, but the reality is that sometimes the universe just knows better what we are ready for and what we truly need. Not everything is in our control, but just like the age old saying “everything happens for a reason.” If you need to develop this trust, try the meditation discussed earlier.

Being Inspired by Those Before Us

How do you pick yourself up, when you feel like someone has popped your positive bubble? Do you spend countless hours scrolling on social media, hoping to find inspiration? Stop wasting your time.

There are so many positive role models out there; go explore! Find a medium or two that works well for you and a topic that resonates with what you need right now. Not sure where to start, scroll to the end of this article for just a few of the women who are inspiring me, right this moment. Start today, something compelled you to read my thoughts on strong women, now it’s your time to make your definition.

Oneness

Take a moment to remember the last time you smiled at someone at the grocery store. Which aisle were you in? What made you look up? Was there a reaction to your smile?

Whether people return the small favor of a smile, take a moment to acknowledge that we are all one. All of us have the most basic desires: to be loved, to experience kindness, and to be happy. Now, realize that you are also never alone in your sadness or anger. Our emotions are our strength. And knowing that we all have the same basic needs should be our solace.

I don’t think there are many people that wake up and say, I want to be hated today. So, in acknowledging our oneness, do right by your neighbor, and look up to smile. Together we are strong.

Sitting with Yourself

When was the last time you sat still and just thought about your needs and your dreams? Sitting with yourself is the simplest action that you as a strong woman can do on a daily basis.

It starts with you. Just find a quiet corner in your home. Struggling with quiet right now? Try some sound cancelling headphones (I take my Bose Quiet Comfort 2 pair with me everywhere). Take a comfortable seat. Focus on your breath. Inhaling and exhaling from your nose. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” And set a short intention. For the sake of this article, I suggest “I am strong.” And just take 20 minutes letting thoughts pop up about your strength and moments where you can bring more strength into your life right now. And as the thoughts arise, also let them go. And slowly weed down your thoughts to one at a time, or to simple smiles of your moments of light. You have arrived, and you are building more strength with each breath.

Having trouble “getting in”? Check out some of the Deepak Chopra meditation programs or free meditation on the Insight Timer app. But if at all possible, sit in silence.

This concludes some of the ways I define and build my strength. Thanks for reading!

If you’ve made it here, thank yourself for taking just a few minutes today to explore new definitions and methods of building strength. I am curious to hear your thoughts:

What are some ways you define your strength? How do you harness your power? When you need inspiration, who do you turn to? 

(I’m looking for more women to add to my media list.)

Feel free to share with one of your friends or colleagues who might need some inspiration.

#womenheal #shesgotthis #strongwomen

Still need more, how about Alicia Key's song "Underdog"?

Thank You, to the Strong Women that Came Before Me:

Bernstein, G. (2018). The Universe has your Back: Transform Fear to Faith. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House.

Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Toronto, Ontario, Canada: Harper Collins.

Hallgren, N. (Director). (2020, May 6). Becoming [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/watch/81122487?tctx=0%2C0%2C%2C%2C%2C

Hercules, B., & Whack, R. C. (Directors). (2006). Maya Angelou: And Still I Rise [Video file]. USA: Netflix.

Oprah & Deepak. (2014). Energy of Attraction: Manifesting Your Best Life. USA: Chopra Institute. (2014)

https://chopracentermeditation.com/store/product/84

Santos, L. (2020, April/May). The Science of Well-being. Lecture presented at Yale Course in Coursera, New Haven.