Recognizing toxic relationships in your life

If you clicked on this link to make yourself feel better about who has done you wrong and why you should cut them out of your life, you won’t find it here. This blog is about self-awareness and accepting responsibility for the type of relationships we create in our lives. 

I have been the queen of toxic relationships my entire life. In my case, I used substances to escape my reality so I never really faced any of it. It finally got bad enough that the drugs and alcohol didn’t work anymore. Once I removed that layer of false protection, I was forced to see everything for what it was with a clear and sober mind. It was painful, but necessary. 

I noticed a pattern in my life on how I managed (and destroyed) my relationships. 

The cycle went a little something like this: 

1. Something happens to me. (This isn’t fair!)
2. It’s someone’s fault.  (how dare they!)
3. I feel sorry for myself. (why me?) 
4. Self-worth declines. (I deserved this!) 
5. People-pleasing behavior begins. (Maybe I can get them to like me) 
6. Resentment builds. (Do they not recognize all I do for them!?) 
7. Repeat #1 

It’s a miserable cycle, isn't it? 

If you’re taking personal inventory of your relationships right now, I want you to think beyond romance and family. Think about your work relationships and friendships as well. Write down the 10 people you communicate with the most before reading any further. 

I’m going to share with you a list that I created for myself to recognize and manage toxic behavior within my relationships without letting myself off the hook for accepting responsibility. 

Do I lie to this person? I think we all fundamentally know that lying is bad. However, we often justify reasons to do so. Even if it’s a white lie to not hurt someone’s feelings. For instance, saying your kid is sick to cancel plans with a friend. It can even be as simple as making up a story with an excuse to your boss about a deadline you’ve missed. 

Look, if your friend loves and respects you, they will understand that you decided to netflix and chill instead and you shouldn't feel like you have to lie about it. 

If you’re lying to your boss about a deadline, what’s your part in this? What can you do to change this behavior? Creating an environment where you can be honest and transparent about what you’re dealing with should be your goal. 

You may be thinking.. “Well my boss is terrible and wouldn’t understand. I can’t control what kind of boss I have!”  My personal belief is, yes you can. Are you living an honest, transparent life and doing the best that you can and still feel trapped in a toxic relationship? It really is up to you to decide where you want to work. You have options. You are worthy. Go after what you deserve. 

But first, try working on yourself and stay where you’re at. Who knows, maybe things will change for the better because of your changed perspective. Perhaps the relationship feels toxic simply because of your behavior. Honestly, I still have people to apologize to for this one. 

On the subject of lying: there are also really big lies. Life changing lies that make you anxious thinking about them. You know what those lies are. I don’t want to make anyone feel too convicted. Do the work to either address why you’re lying and correct it by working to build the relationship or end it. You’re already hurting yourself enough. Don’t hurt others in the process. 

Am I too prideful to ask this person for help? This one actually cuts a little deep for me. I just recognized it recently after a year of being sober. Pride and ego has actually been at the forefront of my failed relationships. Think about a time you needed help but you were too prideful to ask. Why were you? Is it because you’ve been so busy people pleasing to get people to like you that you’re afraid your real situation will be revealed? Or is it because this person belittles you or takes advantage of your vulnerability? Regardless of what the reason is, it may be a sign that the relationship is too toxic to be genuine. 

Do I often regret making plans with this person? Do you find yourself constantly saying “Ugh I have to do this because I told them I would.” Yes, it’s a noble thing to keep your word, but why are you saying yes to someone you want to say no to? The more important question to ask is why do you want to say no? Nobody is making us do anything we don’t want to do. No is a complete sentence. If someone makes you feel bad about not wanting to do something, then it’s probably not a great relationship. If you’re doing something for someone you don’t like for an ulterior motive- that’s a form of either manipulation or people pleasing which inevitably leads to resentment. 

Am I cheering this person on to be successful?  Is there someone in your life that you secretly wish to fail because they did you wrong or simply because you’re jealous of them? Why? If someone hurt you, it’s only natural for you to wish they felt pain. I’ve dealt with this feeling a lot in business. As hard as it was, I had to pray for these people and move on. It was my natural instinct to jump into people-pleasing mode because I thought getting them to like me would change the situation. Nope, they still didn’t like me and honestly I still didn’t like them. It just caused more resentment on both ends. Praying and moving on was the best thing I’ve ever done. In fact, I really do wish those people well now and they don’t take up space in my head.  

What about straight up good-for-no-reason  jealousy? What makes you jealous of this person? Do they have something you can’t get? Or are you simply just taking the hate out on someone else because you’re not willing to do the work? Yeah, I said it. Truth hurts sometimes. Focus on you and build yourself up. You will see others through a new lens and appreciate the hard work they put in to get what they have. Jealousy will begin to transform into inspiration as you start to shift your way of thinking. 

What do I expect from this person and are my expectations valid? Do you find yourself constantly mad at someone for something they didn’t do for you? Are you angry they didn’t read your mind and serve you the wishes you’ve secretly ordered? This type of behavior is like taking a baseball bat and hitting yourself in the legs, not telling anyone it hurts, then getting mad they didn’t ask you how you’re feeling. 

Having expectations of people without communicating is gasoline to fire in a toxic relationship. Ask yourself why you can’t be honest with the other person about your expectations. This should help you understand if you need to build the relationship or move on from it. 

Relationships are complicated and we can be broken at times. 

None of us wake up in the morning and say “I’m going to bring toxic relationships into my life”. Or “I’m going to be a toxic person”. We are all just trying to love and be loved while navigating this thing called life. Sometimes we fall short because our emotions override our thinking. 

And that’s okay. We are human. 

We just need to give ourselves a little grace as well as the people we interact with on a daily basis. The best thing we can do is work on ourselves and become self aware. Little by little, we start setting boundaries, managing expectations and respecting others in a way that creates nothing but healthy relationships in our lives. 

At our company, we believe that all of our strength, guidance and wisdom comes from God. We work through all of our issues using the bible as a tool for life. If you feel like this blog spoke to you in a spiritual way, here are some bible verses to read and pray over:

Psalm 138:7 

Romans 8:31 

II Timothy 1:7