My North Star

It’s the holidays again; a time of warmth, connection, excitement, hopes for peace and joy, and childhood wishes fulfilled. But life is full of challenges, which can make the holidays for some a season of stress and loneliness. I learned early on that even when the holiday season has felt void of joy, it’s still possible to find the magic... to find your North Star.

When I was nine years old, my father passed away in the VA hospital from a long-and hard-fought battle with Leukemia. When he finally lost that fight, it was a very tough time for my family. My mom worked two jobs to support us while putting herself through nursing school. In the few hours she had free, she managed to do as much as she could for me and my two older brothers, but she was emotionally and physically exhausted and needed to sleep whenever she could. My brothers also felt the sadness and dealt with it like teenage boys. They were frequently in the basement with the door closed either listening to Bon Jovi, Warrant, Aerosmith, or playing Nintendo to tune out the heartache. We all felt totally alone sometimes, and really missed our dad.

The world around me seemed to be sad, sleepy, and bleak, not to mention sugar infused and carb loaded with instant mashed potatoes and spaghetti. Then Christmas appeared on the horizon. Before my dad passed, the holidays in my family were always big, joyous and magical. Christmas especially! That year was different. It was not magical, or joyous, or big. It hardly felt like Christmas at all.

Christmas morning, I woke up around 5 a.m. and walked quietly downstairs. The house creaked with the stillness of the dawn, and the struggle of that year. I could still feel my dad in every room. Still, something about that early morning felt magical.

I thought… maybe I would see Santa.

I smiled as a saw all the beautiful gifts that were under our tree (thank you, mom). I went into the kitchen and made myself some Swiss Miss hot chocolate and I sat quietly on the couch knowing my family wouldn’t be up for at least 5 hours. As I sat there sipping my chocolate, I remember smiling because I didn’t really feel worried about anything. For some reason, I felt hope. I felt wonder. I felt certain that if I looked out the window, I would be able to see the North Star that had guided the wisemen, just like in all the stories.

I pulled back the blue sheers behind my old brown couch to look out the window at the still dark sky, and to my astonishment…. there… it… was. A bright, bright star that seemed to sparkle just for me. That was it… that was the Christmas star, that was the great guiding light… that was THE North Star. I just knew it!

Now, I must confess that I did realize, once I wasn’t nine, that what I actually saw that Christmas morning was a half-broken streetlamp flickering in and out on the lawn of the apartments across the street. But my mind saw something different. I saw something beautiful and wondrous, something that offered me guidance, and direction, just when I needed it most. 

That star was pointing toward my future--charting my journey forward… a journey filled with hope, confidence and joy. That day, something inside of me chose to see a star in a shattered bulb. That one optimistic, almost instinctive choice at such a pivotal moment, changed the course of my entire life. I decided right then and there that my world, the world I would create, would not be defined by a broken streetlamp, but instead, by my North Star.  

Everyone of us has a true north that will always guide us onto a more joyful, optimistic and successful path. We can all find our guiding light, even at this time of year when the blues may be shrouding the windows. We can look beyond stress, loneliness and sadness, to find and feel the magic. We can choose to see a sparkling star instead of a broken streetlamp.

Happy Holidays--look up and find your North Star!