Mom

I used to have two parents, now I have one. I should have two, but cancer doesn’t care. Since my mom passed, I have been dreading this time of year. I can’t shake that, no matter how much I avoid social media, or how many emails I send to junk, the reality still confronts me – my mom is not here to celebrate on Mother’s Day. Today is just about getting through.

I’m learning that grief as a process is not only about mourning the loss of her but getting to know myself as a different person. To get through today, I choose to embrace being different.

My mom was only a teenager when she came to the United States from her home in Mexico. Being the eldest girl, her and her older brother followed their parents to the US. Leaving their five siblings behind. They pretended to be 18 years old to work alongside their parents. After a couple years of working, saving money, and learning English they were able to move to Los Angeles, buy a home, and bring their full family back together. My mom didn’t go to high school, my mom didn’t go to college, my mom worked hard to improve the well-being of her family. That’s who my mom was.

Later, she would meet my dad. They would go on to be married for nearly 34 years. Her name became special when she married my dad. Rosa Rose. Her first and last names translated from Spanish to English. Her name has always been pretty special to me. It is an indication of who I am, Mexican American.

I never really thought I was like my mom though. As more time passes without her, I see more of my mom in me and it’s the best gift she has left me.

My mom taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be. She wanted me to succeed in everything I tried. She made it known that things were different when she was young. She didn't have all of the opportunities I had. It was important to her that I took full advantage of all that life had to offer me. I became the motivated, independent woman I am from watching my mom. She set the precedent and her loss has completely altered my life.

I’m starting to learn to move forward. I wish I could claim that this was courageous - being able to share today and take full advantage of the life my mom left for me, but I can’t. I wish I could end here, triumphant, but life is complicated and life with grief is even more complicated.

Motivation is a double-edged sword. It keeps me moving forward but it also keeps me from having to look back. I’m not perfectly healed but I am perfect at navigating the best way to heal me.

Who I am today is because of her. Happy Mother’s Day.