Life and Leadership Lessons Over 2,363 Miles

I travel for work. A LOT. A road warrior who takes a lot of 6 am flights for business trips, spends a lot of nights in hotels and grabs sleep whenever i can on a plane. But since the beginning of March, I’ve spent a lot of time in a car on road trips. And most of those trips have been to watch my sons play sports (One was a quick girls’ trip down to Louisiana to a wedding). As I’ve driven or ridden more than 2,300 miles in three weeks, I have had a lot of time to think, reflect, be alone with my thoughts (which can be scary for me,) listen to podcasts, do a few phone calls and catch up with my husband and a good friend I’ve also had a few leadership (and life) realizations along the journey. Please allow me to share those with you.

Trip #1: Atlanta to Cookeville, TN to Germantown, TN

Reason: TN State High School Basketball Championship Tournament for Oldest Son (HS Junior)

Miles driven: 470

I left a meeting on a Friday morning in our office and drove to support my son’s basketball team in the state tournament. It was an exciting time for his school and the team (as well as the parents.) There were high expectations for this group of young men before the season even started. They spent most of the season as the #1 team in the state, as well as in Memphis, where we take our basketball very seriously. There are a lot of D1 athletes on this team: highly recruited and highly talented players. They play very well together. The won their first game – by a margin of 30 points! – and were set to play in the State Championship game Saturday night at 6:30. Unfortunately, they lost by 11 points, coming in runner up. It was a disappointing loss and the players were devastated. But as a parent, I try to look for life lessons in every situation. As a leader, I also look for leadership lessons. Here are a few from this road trip:

·        Teams pick each other up: Our team got off to a bit of a rocky start in the first quarter of the semi final game. We were a superior team to our opponent, by far, but we seemed to be playing at the other team’s pace and level. A few of our key players were struggling and simply, we weren’t playing “our game”. Well, in true team fashion, several other players stepped up to pick those players up and make it happen. One of our juniors – a highly recruited point guard with more than 20 D 1 offers, struggled in the first half. Others on the team, including the only freshman on the Varsity roster, adjusted nicely and really shined. That momentum carried over in the second half, and that star point guard played more like himself.

·        Leaders aren’t selfish and share the spotlight: Basketball is a team sport, and these teammates – although full of star players – aren’t selfish at all. They all shared the spotlight throughout the entire season. These games were no different. That star point guard I told you about? He actually led the team in assists on the year and he takes great pride in that “old-school approach” to being the floor general. Does he like to score? Of course he does. But he genuinely believes that if he passes the ball to his teammates, and they score, he is making them better, therefore, making the entire team better. He’s one of the most unselfish players I’ve ever watched.

·        It’s ok to show emotions sometimes: Our boys lost the championship game. It’s what they all worked for all season. But it just didn’t quite work out that way. And this team – this group of tight-knit teenage boys- lets their emotions show after the game. As a parent, it was both a gut-wrenching, yet proud moment. As the mother of two sons, I want my boys to know they can show emotion – real emotion—when they are disappointed. And these leaders did that. As they came out of the locker room after losing, all of the parents and families were there to greet them. And they all had tears in their eyes. And NONE of them were ashamed about it. They cried a bit more when they hugged their parents. And they all hugged EVERY parent out there. It took a while for us to leave the arena, but those hugs and tears were exactly what those boys- and parents- needed.

·        Things don’t always go as expected, no matter how often you prepare: it seems no matter how much you want something, and practice and prepare for it to happen, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. That’s exactly what happened with my son’s team. They prepared for this game and this moment all season long (since the summer, actually.) They practiced. And practiced. And watch film, a lot of film. They ran drills. And they practiced some more. They were as prepared as they could have been , and they lost the final game. The other team shut our big man down. They got him into foul trouble very quickly, so he had to sit a good portion of the first half. That was their game plan, and it worked. Did the other team prepare more than we did? Who knows? But in the end, sometimes we just can’t prepare for what we are about to experience. And we have to adjust and move on and accept it (begrudgingly.)

Trip #2: Germantown, TN to Hammond, LA

Reason: Weekend trip for a Wedding

Miles driven: 700

Sometimes you need a trip where there is no itinerary or plans. In this instance, it was a weekend trip down to Louisiana with a friend of mine to meet 2 other girlfriends and attend yet another girlfriend’s son’s wedding. (did you follow that?) The only thing the four of us had planned was the wedding Saturday evening. That’s it. OH, and to laugh a lot and enjoy good food and wine! A few musings I learned from this adventure:

·        Sometimes you gotta turn off the noise and listen: I drove this trip, and my friend Pam Meiners rode with me. Pam and I go way back. We met about 18 years ago or so during our Hilton days and we became fast friends. And boy, we’ve been through it – meetings, deadlines, impossible projects, work trips, fun trips, you name it. But we haven’t seen each other in a while. We really maximized our time together and caught up over the drive. No radio, no phone calls, no distractions. Just two really chatty, loud and boisterous women in a car for 5 hours catching up on work, family, kids, and life. It was good for both of us.

·        Laughter is the best medicine: Laughter has always been my love language, and being with these ladies for a weekend always does me some good. We all have very different backgrounds and upbringings, and are at different stages in our lives. Three women in this group have grown children (some are married, some are in medical and PT school, some are getting married.) One is a grandmother to two adorable grandsons; one is a badass single career woman who dotes on her nearly one-year old niece and showers her with attention, gifts and love. Then there is me. I am the youngest of this group (our ages span 14 years), my children are still at home and in school, and yet, we have a unique bond that can’t be broken. We all met during our Hilton days. And even though we don’t work together in that capacity anymore, that experience is what brought us together. We are different, yet we each bring something special to the table and we have a great time laughing and telling stories when we are together. They give me such a unique perspective on life, especially given our very different journeys. I cherish these trips and this time with these ladies, and I learn from them every time I am with them. My sides always hurt when I leave, and I’m the better for it.

·        Going the extra mile often means more than we can ever know: Neither of us had ever met the groom before his wedding day. But this was an important day for our friend, and we wanted to be there. Her baby son was getting married, and we needed to be there for her. So off we drove, or flew, to Louisiana to a wedding where we only knew the mother of the groom. And boy, she was touched by the gesture. Sometimes, what seems like a small thing—in this case, attending a wedding – is a HUGE thing to others. Never underestimate how you make someone feel.

Trip #3 and #4: Germantown, TN to Biloxi, MS, to Emerson, GA (greater Atlanta) to Germantown TN

Reason: Spring Break Baseball Extravaganza

Miles ridden: 1,173

Ahh, Spring Break. When there is a promise of warmer weather, warmer weather, spring clothes, and for Team Ray … BASEBALL SEASON! Like most of our time off from school or work, we spent our kids’ spring break at the baseball field. First leg of our journey was Biloxi, Mississippi for three games for our oldest and his varsity team. From there, we watched trekked to Emerson, Georgia for our 12-year-old’s club baseball team for the weekend. It was also opening weekend of March Madness, and we were eagerly anticipating our Memphis Tigers game Friday night (more on that in a few.) Here are the insights from the last part of my trips:

·        Mental Toughness is a real thing, and it MATTERS: Talk to any elite-level athlete who has played beyond the high school level, and they will tell you that yes, you must have athletic ability, but so much of sports performance and excellence is mental. Most of the time, athletes train their bodies and learn the art of the sport, but don’t focus on training their minds. Mental training/toughness focuses on how to deal with adversity, how to communicate with teammates and coaches and how to overcome obstacles, stress and anger when things don’t go your way. Take my oldest son, Tripp, for example. He’s always been a strong hitter. Hit his first over the fence homerun at 8 years old, and always had a high batting average. He’s also a very cerebral baseball player, is very competitive and can sometimes get a little “spirited and passionate” while he is playing. And with that last characteristic mentioned, he may someone get caught up in the mental side of baseball and perhaps not perform as well as he wanted to. Last season, he struggled a bit at the plate. That struggle got him caught in a mental loop, where he was desperate to perform at the plate that he sometimes couldn’t get out of his own head and perform as well as he wanted at the plate (the vicious mental cycle of sports.) As a parent, it was hard to watch, but I knew it was something he had to work through. But it was excruciating to watch him suffer. I tried talking to him, but I get it, I’m “mom,” and I’ve never played a day of baseball in my life. So I talked to a former college athlete who is a colleague and friend of mine, who in turn recommended a friend of his (who just happened to be a former MLB player) to me.. This recommendation has turned out to be one of the most important and influential relationships in my son’s life. Matt Kata , former infielder for the Diamondbacks, Phillies, Rangers, Pirates and Astros, is a cerebral guy who happens to love baseball. He also happens to love helping young athletes work on their mental toughness. And he’s been an absolute God-send who spends time on the phone (texting and through phone calls) mentoring my son and working with him on his mental toughness, goal setting and overcoming adversity. He’s worked with him on the importance of goal setting, journaling and bouncing back when things don’t go as expected. He has poured his knowledge into our son, and we are so grateful. (I am also extremely grateful to my colleague and friend, Michael Woodward , who introduced me to Matt. I’m happy to say Tripp is seeing his hard work with Matt pay off. His batting average has gone up, he is hitting the ball much better than last season, and he even got his first home run of the season and several base hits on this trip. Watching him work hard on and off the field, on his body and game, as well as his mind, has been a good reminder for me. Sometimes, talent and the desire to be great at something is simply not enough. You have to “get your mind right,” mentally prep for the situation, and be honest with yourself. Are you working hard enough? What is your goal? Are you prepared to do the work to get there? What’s your attitude? Are you harboring negative feelings or ill will toward something or someone that is getting in your way? Are you giving maximum effort, or are you just going through the motions? Those are tough questions, but greatness only happens when you answer those questions honestly, and put in the work—mentally and physically.

·        Leaders don’t always have to carry the load: We also spent time watching my youngest son, Zane, play baseball this weekend. Zane is with a new team that started last fall, and my husband is helping to coach his team: an adjustment for all of us, as it’s the first time he’s ever officially coached him. Zane’s baseball journey has been filled with many highs and lows, victories and disappointments, friends gained and lost (sounds lot like life, right?) Like his mom, Zane has a tendency to doubt himself and suffers from a lack of self-confidence. His baseball knowledge and IQ is very high and he is very talented. But also like his mom (and big brother) he sometimes gets in his own head and in his own way. He has been working out in the off season, getting stronger and healthier, and running and exercising. My husband has been training with him since last summer and Zane’s confidence has really grown- not only in baseball, but also in his everyday life.  He’s stronger, healthier, and last weekend, he was absolutely killing the ball at the plate. With the exception of one game. He struck out twice. He was devastated and very down on himself. He knows he’s a leader on this team and he felt like he let them down, as well his coaches and parents.  His coaches talked to him after the game and assured him that he let no one down with his plate appearances. Sometimes it happens- you just can’t get a hit. And that’s ok. The leader doesn’t always have to carry the entire load all of the time. That’s why there are 8 other players out there to back you up. They pick you up when you are down or having a bad game. That’s what teams do. During the next game, he went 2-2 with a 2 run homerun.

·          March Madness can quickly turn to March Sadness: Okay, so this one is really about my own personal attachment to college basketball, March Madness and my The University of Memphis Tigers men’s basketball team, but it can easily apply to work situations we may find ourselves in. The Tigers made the NCAA Tournament for the second year in a row. I (like most here in Memphis) take my basketball very seriously, so this was a big deal. The NCAA set us up nicely: if we won the first round, we would more than likely face #1 seed Purdue in the round of 32, which was a nice matchup for us. If we got past Purdue, we had a great chance to see University of Tennessee in the Sweet Sixteen, which is always a showdown. Purdue played #16 seed Fairleigh Dickinson University and shocked the world when FDU became only the 2nd 16 seed in history to beat the #1 seed. Tiger Nation was ecstatic, elated and genuinely giddy! If we beat FAU -- which, of course we would ; we had just beaten #1 Houston for our Conference Championship --  then we would have a much easier path to the Sweet Sixteen and beyond. As a long-suffering Memphis fan who always feels like it’s “Memphis vs. Errbody,” this seemed to good to be true. As it turns out, it was. The chaos that ensued during the last few minutes of our game unraveled will haunt me and many Tiger fans forever. Foul trouble for one of our veteran players, De’Andre Williams. A re-injured ankle for our star guard, Kendric Davis. Team disagreements and passion openly displayed. A range of emotions on the bench, and during the timeout. A blown call by the referees (no way that was a jump ball, we called TIMEOUT!!!) followed by an untimely turnover by Davis (during a game where we seemingly had our turnovers in check!) Yet amazingly, we were still up by 1 point. And the final nail in that Tiger Blue coffin, a last second shot by FAU to win the game. Heart breaking. Gut wrenching. Devastating. My stomach still hurts thinking about it. Our season—the easiest path to the Sweet Sixteen in the entire tournament – was OVER. We didn’t get to move on to the next round and play FDU. We didn’t go to NYC and play in Madison Square Garden. We didn’t get to face Rick Barnes and Tennessee for a chance to play in the Elite Eight. It just wasn’t in the cards. And that’s a tough pill to swallow.

But it’s like life, I guess, as are all of these stories I’ve laid out. Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, how much you prepare, and how talented and good you are, it doesn’t always work out. We learn from it, acknowledge it, and move on. Does that make the Tigers any less talented? No. Does that tarnish the great season we had? No. Does it take away from our first conference championship in many years? No. Does that make the fan base any less passionate? No. Will I still be a rabid Tiger basketball fan and root for the Tigers next season? Yes. Will I still following the recruiting trail and the transfer portal and see how Penny rebuilds the roster in the offseason to prep for another NCAA tourney run? Yes. Will I still bleed blue and talk to my co-workers incessantly about Tiger Basketball? Yes. But does it still make my heart and stomach hurt at the possibilities we have going into March Madness? Absolutely.