Humbling

Humbling – that is the way I would describe my last month.  I am working on my book edits, making progress on some medical issues, started going to the gym, squeezing into Spanx after some time off of the road, and even getting some consulting/mediation work that is making me think, reflect, and lean into what I know and can control.

It is humbling to remember that you don’t know everything and that no matter the plan or run of show that has been worked on for months, there is always room for something unexpected.  That unexpected thing likely will feel new but is, in fact, not new.  I named this newsletter Another Isolated Incident when news reporters were covering the 2009 story of Henry Lois Gates Jr. (one of then-President Obama’s former professors at Harvard), who was arrested after his own neighbors reported a black man breaking into the house.  The journalists casually reported the arrest of a black man as another isolated incident instead of a systemic pattern of racism.

Today (full disclosure, it is April 27th), I just finished putting away medical supplies I gathered so they could be taken and easily accessed on a university campus that is supposedly closed through graduation if it even happens due to students taking an administrative building takeover demanding the school’s administrators divest in funds that support Israel’s IDF’s attacks on the innocent Palestinians of Gaza.  This week, the students, faculty, and staff joined a teach-in, welcomed Shabbat, and met their demands.

The university disclosed their investments, the demands got national media attention, and a vote of no confidence passed for the President and his Chief of Staff in an ethical, nonviolent manner, resulting in minor injuries even when a disproportional police response arrived, including SWAT gear and helicopters flying over our tiny town.

Professors, staff, and non-traditional students talked about civil disobedience, ranging from protesting Vietnam to Occupy Wall Street to Stonewall Rebellion to Black Lives Matter and on and on. Depending on one’s age, the reference points seemed to be the first time each person experienced protests, disproportional police response, and violence. At the same time, for many, this was their first experience.

My partner, six weeks out from knee surgery, with job precarity of a two-tiered faculty system, and as the faculty union representative charged with faculty rights cases, had to question his support on campus and his interest in getting arrested and it was being arrested in a small town as a transman that weighed on him the most.  For me, I watched him drive away, remembering us all signing on Washington Square Park with thousands of others peacefully protesting the war in Iraq in response to 9/11 when horseback police arrived, trampling folks on the ground and eventually shooting one of my advisees at point blank range with a rubber bullet.  Since that day, I have always been more comfortable being the phone number someone calls when they need support, supplies, or help.  It masks how helpless I felt at the moment of my first brush with police violence at a protest.

Even with the learning and reflecting that happened, there was also a sense of control, familiarity, and knowing that occurred at the same time; so much was unknown. I have grown comfortable with this liminal contradiction and am humbled by realizing that I have created a job out of this comfort.

When I emcee an event, I have a well-planned plan and even some worst-case scenarios to act upon, if needed. The meeting planner and I don’t know what will happen, but we feel confident moving forward because we trust each other’s experience and ability to make choices and judgments in real-time.

I am two hours from the sound check for my local Planned Parenthood fundraiser tonight, where I will play the roles of emcee and auctioneer.  After the week we have all had, not to mention what is happening in federal courts, supreme courts, and around the world, it feels frivolous to put on sparkly clothes and eat catered finger foods until I remember we are raising money to support gender-affirming and lifesaving health care that is also under attack.

Everything is at once planned for and in control in a world that isn’t even though it is familiar.  We are learning and providing opportunities for more learning; others are getting their first lessons.  I suggest the only way forward is with our reflections in one pocket, an open mind in the other, and all hands on deck to see what happens. 

All at the same time – as another isolated incident - It is humbling. It is familiar.  It is learning.  It is what I do best.  And I couldn’t do it without you.