How to Stay Strong When People Test Your Limits

Have you ever found yourself repeating a pattern that you desperately want to break from?

I ask my sons to take ownership of their transportation needs (they have legs, bikes, and a bus pass). When possible, I delegate and/or outsource work by partnering with other parents.

Every once in a while, there's no other parent.

The other day, my 15-year-old son, L started club soccer. I offered him a ride to practice at the same time as his 12-year-old brother, who is also in club soccer (different location, slightly different time), but asked him to figure a way home.

Hi options were: a) find an alternate ride home, b) bike the 7 minutes to and then back from soccer practice, c) bring his skateboard and skate back, or d) walk home.

What does this have to do with you? Everything!

You see, L* didn't like my options, so he pushed, huffed, and asked again, and again, and again if I could drive him. According to him, I wasn't busy (aka, I didn't have client calls), and anything other than a ride home from me was a waste of his time.

Although I held my ground, I felt initially guilty, frustrated, and resentful.

** In L's defense, he is normally an incredibly empathetic & self-reliant kid, except on this topic; he takes my driving him to and from places for granted, even if he doesn't think he does.

It's hard to stand your ground.

• How often do you set limits?
• Who pushes back?
• Who do you give into?
• Do you feel guilty even though your expectations and boundaries are reasonable?

As a psychologist, I easily recognize and manage these patterns. I don't sit with the guilt very long. I certainly don't let it undermine my boundaries.

But what if you don't have my training?

How much, or how little, pressure would it take for you to compromise your boundaries?

Two years ago, my client S broke off a friendship with a toxic woman who completely disregarded her needs and boundaries.

She ran into that woman's husband this week and nearly rekindled a relationship she didn't want because he was so desperate to have S back in his life as a buffer with his wife.

Another client is not really showing up for coaching. Her CEO invested in Noteworthy because he wants to support her advancement into his role one day. Instead of prioritizing her development, she lets other people's wants and needs take precedence. She's constantly asking to reschedule, and she misses out on peer advisory calls. Then, she feels guilty and stressed because she's not making the most of an amazing opportunity.

Boundaries in Leadership

Great leaders have great boundaries. They say 'no' often because they understand what's important and where their talent and value are most beneficial.

Great leaders don't reactively fix every issue that's presented to them. They slow down, identify the real problem, and coach their teams, peers, and clients to problem-solve independently.

Great leaders don't let their guilt or discomfort drive their actions. They have a clear strategic vision and core belief system to guide their actions.

Sometimes, great women forget to show up as great leaders. Often it's because we've been taught from early childhood to be helpful, considerate, and empathetic of other people's needs.

Also, we're used to just doing it all ourselves; we know we can come up with a fix in 1/10 of the time, and it feels easier to give in than to stand our ground.

Imagine knowing when 'no' is the right answer. Picture saying it and not feeling bad. Imagine facing subtle pushback or outright pressure to give in and feeling 100% confident in your ability and your right to maintain your boundaries.

The minute S spoke about calling the toxic friend back, I stopped her. We quickly nixed her reflexive tendency to help others to her own detriment. She doesn't want to reconnect with that woman, and now she won't.

My overtaxed leader won't be allowed to put herself off much longer. Learning to set priorities and backing them up with strong boundaries is a skill she'll need if she wants to be a successful CEO one day.

And you, how much time and mental space could you free up if you had someone on your side catching the blind spots and helping you think through more creative and effective ways to exist and operate in your zone of genius?

If you're ready to work with a high-impact coach, schedule a 20-minute deep connections call. Whether you're interested in 1:1 coaching or joining our Elite Executive group coaching program, it all starts with a single call.

Worldwide, smart, ambitious executive women work three times as hard for a fraction of the influence they deserve.

Excellence-driven, they show up fully for everyone, all the time, and discover that high-level success can come at too high a cost if you don't have the right systems or support.

I've made it my mission to help women in senior leadership show up with authority, own their value, leverage their influence, and make a meaningful impact without sacrificing everything on the altar of success.

I lead this work through Noteworthy, an exclusive executive coaching and consulting firm that advances senior executive women in STEM and finance and supports companies that seek to retain, elevate, and attract them.

This work has transformed the lives of hundreds of executive women in the US and Europe and changed workplaces for the better at scores of companies ranging in size from agile start-up to Fortune 100.

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