How to call out racism in your family
I am white and I grew up in a family where the phrase ''They should all be sent back on a boat to where they came from" was trotted out repeatedly throughout my childhood. This was just the tip of the iceberg.
I’ve heard people defend my family, and a thousand like them, with the "Oh it’s just that generation" speech.
That’s a lie. It’s racist. It’s hateful. It’s abhorrent.
Family and differing political opinions are nothing new, but hate is not a political opinion. I see hate as corrosive, it rips apart society, it poisons relationships and it kills. There is no doubt in my mind that racism killed George Floyd.
One of the many, many ways we can combat racism is to call it out when it presents itself in our family systems. Having faced this challenge many times I've decided to share some thoughts and learnings from my own experiences in hope it gives at least one person the courage and tools they need to call out racism in their family.
Food for thought
- Ignoring racism is a privilege in itself. Growing up I sometimes ignored the hate fuelled comments in my family. I now realise being able to ignore racism is a luxury many cannot afford
- Taking a stand and calling out hate is part of my collective responsibility. Not only do I stand outside my integrity when I don’t stand up to racism, I become part of the problem. I am complicit, I give others the green light to hate and I put lives at risk
- Boundaries are key to calling out racism in families. Drawing clear lines in the sand help us to navigate our way though these difficult conversations. I do this by creating and committing to the below ‘What’s okay’ and ‘What’s not okay’ statements:
- Boundaries help change behaviour but not always minds. By sticking to my boundaries and naming the racism my family have stopped making racist remarks in my presence. It's made way for a more tolerant and healthier relationship. However, I haven’t changed their minds and this hate still drives a wedge between us. Don't be down hearted by this, standing up to racism sends a clear message it will not be tolerated and the more of us who do this the bigger the change we will see
- Be aware of distraction techniques. When I younger I sometimes shouted at my family for their views and whilst I felt better in the moment I wasn’t heard. Instead I was cast as a moody daughter, my behaviour demonised, theirs vindicated. The outcome was I became silent and they continued with their hate. I have seen the same mind games being played out this week, Trump deflecting focus from the issues by pointing at the looting of a few. This mind game can be used by political and family systems to distract us from the issue at hand. Don't let their mind games silence you
- Remember it is not the act of calling out racism which is the problem it is the hate itself. I know challenging family is uncomfortable and painful and can lead to a fractured relationship but it’s nothing compared to the suffering of black people. You are not creating a problem by calling it out, they are creating it through their hate
Final thoughts
To be honest I still listening and learning so I'm sure I will look back at this article in a few weeks wishing I hadn't written certain bits. However silence at the moment isn't an option. We all need to step outside our comfort zone and take responsibility for eradicating racism. It will take courage, and at times we will all fail, but we must all play our parts.
Board Certified, Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor & EMDR Therapist
4yWonderful insight Zoe!
Deputy Director at Press Red
4yGreat article. Well done Zoe! Any positive step is a worthwhile and productive one, that adds value. Conversations and change (even if it’s only that people are aware and mindful of their dialogue) happens one person feeding into one family at a time. Thank you for taking that step.
Counsellor at YJG Counselling Services
4yThank you for sharing this article Zoe. I have also shared it with others. Racism needs to be kept on the agenda. Yes change the laws, call it out but time to have black history as a defined curriculum in schools to educate the present and next generation to come. Be brave to have a positive discussion with your family and friends who have no awareness. This reduces hate and loss of lives. Some of you are starting to do that but those who struggle this article is one way forward.
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4yThat's really great! I love a part of the country with few black people therefore I could never understand my parents obvious prejudice. I fighting that battle from a young child. I had an innate sense that this was so not ok. I always wondered from where that came?
The female therapist who understands men. Really listening, always caring, never judging
4yGreat article Zoe. Brave if you to risk critism and do it anyway. My parents were racist, my children are not. Times are very slowly changing I hope.