HOLIDAY PARTY TACTICAL FIELD MANUAL

HOLIDAY PARTY MINIMISATION

We were dealt a fairly easy hand the last couple of years, with many company holiday parties being shelved. But this year they are back, swaggering into our calendars with the ill-deserved confidence of a freshly minted MBA graduate.

Should you have the misfortune of being emotionally blackmailed into attending an event against your will, here are a couple of approaches to bear in mind in order to minimise the unpleasantness.

‘The Flashy Smash & Grab’

For this, the event needs to be of sufficient size that the host will not be able to greet each and every guest individually.

Aim to arrive at such a time that the event will be at its busiest.  Take off your coat as you walk in, then once you have located the host, walk up to them as you put your coat on, exclaiming “What a fabulous party, darling, so glad for some festive cheer in these dark times.  Shame we didn’t get time for a proper catch-up, let’s get your people to talk to my people.” before turning around and walking straight back to the taxi you arrived in (ideally snagging a canape and a glass of something on your way out).

‘The Front-Loader’

Organising parties of any size is at its most nerve-wracking the moment the doors open and no one rushes in.  Use this to your advantage by being the first there, right at the stated start time.  

You will “enjoy” some very high-visibility face time with the host, who will be thankful that someone showed up on time to mitigate their anxiety about potentially being way less popular than they had previously thought.  You will be able to enjoy the food at its freshest, the entry-level Champagne at its bubbliest, and the bathrooms at their least congested.

Once enough people have arrived that the host is sufficiently distracted, simply slip away unannounced.  Follow this with a text 3 hours later to say that you have left, and “thanks for such a lovely night”. Odds are they will assume you did the distance.

‘The Pace-Car’

In the words of Dylan Kidd from his indie movie Roger Dodger, ‘every party needs a pace car’, and there is no good reason why this can’t be you.

The beauty of this approach is that it can be combined with either of the above approaches.

Get in early enough that the good booze isn’t all gone, and get to work.  

In order to conceal your activity, it is important to work out who the other serious drinkers are and dig in with them. This way your intake is less likely to arouse suspicion.

One thing to bear in mind when executing on ‘The Pace Car’, is that it is hard to predict what kind of dismount you will end up executing.  

You may sense the black-out coming on, and slur a goodbye to your host, who will most likely be relieved that they have dodged a big shouty bullet, as you stumble out.

Another possible scenario involves you being asked to leave.  No bueno.  But job definitively done.

And finally, you may cognitively black out, but continue to function on some basic motor survival level, working from your pure unfettered Id. In this glorious moment of luminous purity you touch the hearts of those around you, pouring joy into their lives with insight unblemished by social niceties or anxieties, speaking as the Platonic form of a good person, embodying all that it means to be human and brilliant, radiating a poetic love and warmth into the opaque and unforgiving darkness of the world to the rapture of the lives you touch.

This last potentiality is something of a statistical moonshot, and you won’t remember any of it, but I felt it was worth including.

A COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO EGGNOG 

Don’t do it (unless it has been made by the German back-packer that AirBnB’d your flatmate’s room [there is a back-story here, which I would be only too happy to elaborate on in person]).

Instead, drink these:

Pumpkin Spiced Black Mexican

50ml Tequila

20ml Kaluha

15ml Starbuck Pumpkin Sauce

Build in a rocks glass over ice.  Stir. 

I Dream Of Clementine

20ml Clementine juice

10ml Dry Gin

Champagne

Build in a flute.

Velvet Thunder

3 Pints of Guinness

8 shots of Whiskey

Drink separately.

Negroni di Natale

20ml Gin (Roku or Botanist work well)

20ml Red Vermouth

20ml Campari

Shake and strain into a rocks glass over ice, garnish with 12 cloves pushed through a slice of orange peel (skin but not pith) and a cinnamon stick.

The Amateur

9 pints of continental strength lager

Hydroponic Weed

Aggressively drink all 9 pints, then smoke, like, way too much of the weed.

I hope that these tips and tricks help you better navigate the turbulent festive waters this holiday season.

[I deliver this content without affiliation to any company. I advocate for moderate use of all intoxicating substances (though not necessarily at the same time). References to excessive consumption are purely for (I hope) comedy purposes]