Day Drinking and a DWI

Like most days, I had started drinking around lunch time. As an independent freelancer and Entrepreneur, I could feed the beast of alcoholism without much effort. I did not have a set schedule. No bosses, no kids and no husband. I literally took pride in the fact that I could spend my workday at the bar drinking red bull and vodka with nobody to answer to. What I didn’t realize is that day drinking was not a token of accomplishment, but rather evidence of my unhappiness. 

I still take pride in my independence and freedom, but for different reasons. Today, I’m independent from alcohol and free from shame. If I want to get a job, a husband, or have kids, then I’m fully equipped to. I know that today I get to live by making choices instead of dealing with consequences. 

Consequences. That word makes my stomach turn because the past 15 years of my life was made up of consequences. On the outside, it looked like I was living my best life. I worked really hard to prove to others how great my existence on this earth was. I thought maybe.. Just maybe.. I could convince myself that it really was. Buying friends, spending money, throwing parties with free booze. You know, those things we do to make ourselves look good in public while destroying ourselves in private. 

The consequences of my drinking ranged from having a poor credit score, no savings, failed relationships, failed businesses, weight gain, low productivity, memory loss, anxiety, and sadly, a desire to simply just die. The consequences of my drinking layered on so thick that I couldn’t see the light of life anymore. I was trapped in a darkness so dark that I wanted to just end it all and be free of the pain. 

Throughout my drinking, I did not realize any of the above were consequences from my behavior. I thought life just kept dealing me a bad hand and I made friends with the wrong people. To me, alcohol was the only good thing in my life, helping me ease the pain of my bad luck. Us alcoholics will come up with anything to justify our drinking just so we don’t have to quit. Read that last sentence again. 

Although the consequences of my drinking nearly killed me, I believe there were some that kept me alive. One of those being my DWI in November of 2017. I got pulled over in broad daylight because another driver called 911 to say I was swerving so bad I was about to kill myself or others. I got pulled out of my car, placed in handcuffs and taken to jail. My attorney shared the 911 call with me a few weeks later. Listening to the recording, I wanted to find that lady and punch her out for making me get a DWI. That’s the type of mentality I had. I did not accept responsibility for my actions and I believed it was by fault of a random lady that made me get a DWI. Not my day drinking. 

Today, I would love to tell that woman “Thank you. Thank you for saving my life and playing a major role in my journey to get sober.” 

Despite the DWI, getting sober was a slow process for me. I worked harder convincing myself that I didn’t have a problem so I wouldn’t have to face the problem. (Or myself in the mirror) I continued to try to “control” my drinking for the next year. 

The court had ordered me to blow into my breathalyzer twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. I would time my drinking, count the drinks and count the hours to make sure I could safely blow without getting caught. Without going into detail, I can tell you that my strategies didn’t work very well. This consequence allowed me to really see my drinking for what it was. I could no longer lie to myself that I didn’t have a problem because it was right in front of my face. Literally. Every time I started my car. 

At this point, alcohol was my only lover. Like an abusive boyfriend who lied to me while stabbing me in the back with his manipulative ways. I was convinced that I needed him even though I didn’t want him anymore. I justified that I still needed the company so I wouldn’t have to deal with the anxiety of leaving. But one morning I decided I couldn’t take the pain anymore and decided to call it quits. It was the most toxic relationship I ever ended. 

One of the biggest lies I uncovered in that relationship was that alcohol wasn’t fixing my anxiety, it was actually causing it. If you could believe it, of all the consequences I faced, learning that simple fact is what made me angry enough to quit. I stumbled upon it reading a book called “This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol” The title of that book still makes me chuckle because it just goes to show how much effort I put into trying to control my alcohol. I literally bought a book on it. 

Today, the only thing I have to control is my decision not to drink. I get to wake up every morning to make a decision instead of facing a consequence. Instead of fixing what I’ve messed up, I’m being blessed up. 

It was Christmas Day of 2018 that I decided to give myself the gift of sobriety and quit drinking. Nearly a year after the DWI. I thank God everyday that he kept me alive throughout that year of trying to control my alcohol. 

If you are reading this because you are one of the 1.5 million people who got arrested of a DWI last year, know that you are not alone. Also know that there is no consequence that can outweigh the grace of God. When I got my DWI, I thought it was the worst day of my life. 

Looking back, I can confidently say it was one of the best days of my life. 

And for that, I give God all the glory.

Romans 8:28 

1 Peter 5:8 

Proverbs 20