Making Allyship Happen - Gender Equity and Menopause Advocate - Keynote Speaker - UN Women Changemaker - Kavli Fellow - The Black Autistic Guy
I was a stay-at-home dad for 3 years. Here are 10 things they don't tell you about being a primary caregiver You develop an encyclopedic knowledge of Peppa Pig and Paw Patrol without ever watching it You end up with a new clothing range, specially designed to repel sick, baby food and snot You end up with a distinction in negotiation skills and still feel like you've lost most days You realise your general knowledge is lacking when you can't answer the abstract questions thrown at you You become a master at improvising a place to baby change, especially when the facilities are in the women's or disabled toilets You quickly realise that trying to control everything only generates more chaos The myth about men not being good at multi-tasking is truly put to the test At some point, you are going to get mumsplained too, and see the other side of life You realise how undervalued caregiving is in the UK, and who it almost always falls to Despite the challenges, you will find it a rewarding and transformative experience, and have a lifelong source of fulfillment to tap into I was called a loser and told it was career suicide, yet it was both a privilege and changed my perspective completely. I'd barely noticed my gender until I became a primary caregiver. There is a lot they don't tell you about becoming a stay-at-home dad And hopefully, our continued push for Equal Parental Leave (my wish to Labour) will mean my story is one of many, rather than one of few. What's one thing you would tell a new parent? #fatherhood #parenting #parentalleave
First time I had a couple of beers after years of being the sole parent I realised I wanted to sing the Paw Patrol theme as my karaoke song of choice. Some good points there - my advice for a new parent would be to 1) learn what you can. There are plenty of books on Amazon giving you advice 2) remember every parental set up is different. Some have a great supportive partner - some don’t. Some have wonderful parents / parents in law / friends / relatives nearby and others don’t. 3) don’t be too harsh on yourself. People on LinkedIn/Facebook are full of shit and rarely admit failures. Just do your best and plod on. 4) look after yourself. I’ve been bad at this but keep exercising, see friends, have fun, avoid arguing online with people etc 5) don’t put pressure on a kid to be what you wish you’d been. Give them opportunities and experiences but Que Sera Sera as Doris Day said. Oh - that’s 5. Sorry!!
My husband was a full-time dad for many years, as I was the main earner. I am certain that although in his words ‘he would never do that again as it was not the easiest option!’ He originally believed child care would be easier than working full-time 🤣🤣🤣 It was the best thing he could ever do though to have the close fulfilling relationship he gained with sons and I doubt he would ever swap those years for the easier life of working in a paid job.
I wish more men followed your example as, unfortunately, in the 21st century, taking care of kids and running the house are still considered “women’s jobs.” However, most women have to work full-time because today, the cost of living is so high that it is almost impossible to survive with just one income if you have kids. I’m part of the “stay-at-home working mom” phenomenon, who is available to their kids 24/7 except 4,5 hours when they are at school, and I still have to push my career. It is exhausting, and I wish this situation to change not only for me but for all women because it’s unviable for society.
🫶 my husband and I shared paternity leave with our 3 & 6 year old. We were an outlier family doing this, the commentary we received was (and can be now when it comes up) like we’ve done something wildly bombastic 👀 I hope that this is changing daily as it was by far one of the best decisions we made and positive for every single one of us involved. I utterly support your push for Equal Parental Leave (whilst we’re at it, removing people saying that the child’s Dad is babysitting when they’re just being the parent!) Top tip for a new parent, treat yourself to a banger of a coffee machine. It’ll become your favourite possession (I’m looking at you Delongi Primadonna 😍🤣🫶)
I would say go to therapy, learn your triggers for moral immoral and what you just don't like. There is a difference.Learn psychological understanding and label your feelings. I feel disappointed is a hell of a lot better than you are a disappointment. You can control your feelings when you are in touch with them. That would be my greatest advice for all parents. Find a therapist that helps you understand you and the ripple of self awareness will transcend the generations and you will have been the change that created that whether a stay at home dad or a stay at home mum.
Oh the mumsplaining! I remember being at the park and got the whole “oh that nappy bag looks like it has everything, mum must do well to pack it for you” 😡 For anyone following. I was allowed to pack my own bag, I also had a bit too less nappies and got stuck one time. Then I never had “less nappies” again. And no, this wasn’t a “dad doing it wrong” this was a parent learning which talking to some amazing mums and dads had similar stories and was great bonding.
I could only dream of being able to be a stay at home dad with my children for an extended period of time, but unfortunately our circumstances don’t permit it. I did, however, manage to have a four month paternity leave after I was made redundant which was awesome. One thing I want to highlight is that venues often stick the baby change in disabled toilets due to the larger size of the room. They’re not specifically for disabled people who need to change their babies, so use away. I’ve never understood the baby changing just in female toilets though, makes no sense. One thing I’d tell a new parent is that you will find your own way of doing things. Many parents (your own parents, friends and other family members) will openly pass on their own approaches to parenting, but do what works for you and your family. By all means take onboard the experience of others, but how your raise and nurture your own is unique to you.
I, too, hear the Peppa Pig theme song in my dreams. I would tell a new parent that having someone completely dependent upon you forces you to grow up and not be so selfish. What you want is not nearly as important as what they *need*. I would say that the experience is *immensely* valuable when you head towards being a leader. It teaches you so many things that will be valuable in the office. Finally, I'd say to not compare yourself to others. Compare yourself today to yourself of last week/month/year/decade. See how far you've come. See where you're going. Remember: your family will love you *forever*. Work friends will think of you mildly fondly a couple times over the next few years. Which is more important?
Historian | Educator | Consultant
2wImportant but glossed over point: “I'd barely noticed my gender until I became a primary caregiver.” It’s quite a privilege to not notice one’s gender on a very regular basis. It’s also a privilege not to “notice” one skin color or ability status. Really glad you and others are having this wonderful opportunity. But it is still the exception and not the rule and if more people “notice their gender“ long before having these responsibilities, it would be a very different world. hopefully we can get there, in the UK, the US, and everywhere else.