Your coaching client is resistant to your advice. What can you do to get them on board?

We should put ourselves in clients shoes to understand his/her situation, and to get the background of resistance before reacting. We should work as a partner to understand the challenges and expectations, before giving any advice. We should be helping the client to find the solution, based on his/her own requirements by exploring options, and expanding the thinking.

It starts at school. Here we are pushed to learn, accepting intransparent facts and more and more to avoid questioning for better understanding. Later we were asked to change this learned behaviour into opposite. And all you ask yourself is "What is going on here?" What about to just inspire, showing by example, what you want to transfer as a valuable learning? Pulling teaching into proven practice, setting up room for an open discussion, it creates a "together we discover" atmosphere, which mostly opens every mind to work on a topic. The TOGETHER on eye-level with full transparency, underlined by true and proven stories creates trust. So, TRUST is the essential basis to start from, having a successful Sparring, Mentoring, Coaching.

Meine Kunden kommen nicht in die missliche Lage sich sträuben zu müssen, da ich sie natürlich nicht in eine solche Lage bringen werde. Coaching ist ein Angebot, bei dem es darum geht Menschen dabei zu begleiten eigene Ideen zu entwickeln, eigene Sichtweisen zu erschauen und eigne, neue Wege zu Ihren ureigensten Zielen zu finden und zu betreten. Sollte ich einmal einen alternativen Vorschlag machen, dient er legeglich dazu Suchbewegungen des Kunden anzuregen, gerne auch durch Widerspruch und Ablehnung!

Sometimes clients resist advice because they don’t yet feel seen, heard, and valued. In the words of Teddy Roosevelt, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” When I feel a client is “resistant” I often back away from the issue at hand and instead ask questions that help me get to know the client better as a person on their own terms. That can often lead to a discussion of what makes this situation so hard for them and then we can together brainstorm ideas to make things easier for them moving forward. It’s important to invest more into caring about the client than imposing your own agenda.

The client might feel inundated when tackling their specific challenge and navigating through various options. To initiate the problem-solving process, I engage the client actively. We work together to foster a sense of ownership by generating ideas and strategies. Employing techniques such as asking open-ended questions, brainstorming, utilizing mind maps, or conducting a SWOT analysis, we collaboratively explore possibilities. After prioritizing solutions, I illustrate the positive outcomes they can anticipate. This paves the way for the client to engage in self-reflection and take decisive action.

Together We Win. Helping to find your way out of the dark and define your clear Goal, reflect on Reality to work out Options you really Want to consider and go after sounds so easy. What is a clear Goal? What is the Reality? How to recognise this is a worthy Option to deal with? How does a strong Will feel and what does it mean? A proven model often feels like an unfamiliar map or even a labyrinth. To find the way you need a guide. Being the guide, proven by experience and success. Being the mentor.

In my experience with executive coaching, I realised that senior leaders do not take well to models. They often think of it as being academic, overly simplistic and tend to ride you off when they smell you trying to prescribe a model to/for them. The trick around it is to keep the models for us as a coach to apply, then use the approach and lead them through it by keeping it conversational - best if they have stepped through the entire GROW model approach without knowing it. That way, it keeps the conversation and attention focused on the client and they feel more listened to.

The GROW model is a great tool to help the person being coached to get real about where they are versus where they want to go. Asking only questions is a very helpful way of guiding them through the model.

In my experience, coach is a navigator; the client decides the starting point, destination, and the best route for herself. Coach helps her decide, by asking quality questions, connecting the dots, and providing unbiased perspectives. When the client becomes the driver of the journey, more likely than not, she will certainly progress, one thing at a time. Client is the King; coach plays the kingmaker.

In my experience, providing constructive feedback and unwavering support is pivotal in overcoming resistance. Almost all teenage mentees of mine are initially reluctant to develop leadership skills and fear judgment from peers. They have navigated through their hesitations through continuous encouragement and specific, positive feedback on their efforts; they have gradually embraced challenges. The combination of constructive critique and unwavering support created a safe space for growth, dispelling resistance. This journey underscored the transformative power of encouragement and reinforcement, reinforcing my commitment to fostering an environment where individuals feel empowered to rise above their doubts and limitations.

Feedback is the mirror of reality. The art of filtration and positioning, turning those good and bad things into a success story is coaching. Herewith a mentor is asked to be able to look at things from all perspectives without any judgment and create a meaningful, understandable mosaic from a master puzzle.

The question is curious. As coaches it isn’t our role to “give advice” so the resistance could be caused by the coach. Looking inward to explore how the coach may be creating the client’s resistance would be one of the steps I’d recommend. Curiosity is also needed when considering the state of the client. Is the client aware of their resistance? Would they describe it as resistance or something else? If they can feel and recognize the resistance, what do they believe is the source or cause of it? What part of the client is experiencing the resistance? Often the client has multiple parts of themselves that are in conflict. One part wants to change, another part wants to resist… explore the resistant part.

Asking permission before providing feedback is so crucial. And checking if this was useful for them and how did they find this feedback would be good.

Often resistance comes up because 1) the client is trying to do too much all at once or 2) the change is perceived to be threatening a deep value. When I work with them to see these facts, they will willingly choose something else smaller or different and then are able to continue with their breakthroughs and transformation. Patience and gentle language is necessary to support them through this phase of learning about themselves.

The coach must be in command of the conversation - meaning, the coach must prepare to ask smart and open questions that pushes the client to think deeper for responses. The need for a coaching session itself determines that the client is in need of professional support and guidance and hence as alluded to in the previous section that objectives, outcomes and commitment must be established before starting the coaching sessions. In my view, if the client is not open to listen to the coach then there is no point in continuing the coaching at all. I am not saying that the coach must not be empathetic, empathy is the prerequisite for coaching. However, the session must be conducted in an environment where the full benefits can be reaped.

Managing your emotions as a coach is paramount. In a scenario where a founder resisted implementing organizational changes, my role required emotional intelligence. Acknowledging their concerns and frustrations validated their emotions. By maintaining composure and empathy, I fostered an environment conducive to open dialogue. This emotional balance enabled the client to gradually accept and adopt the proposed changes. It paved the way for him as well as his team members towards the future they desired. However, it helped me deep dive and sharpen my EI in the process!

Managing emotions can be challenging at the best of times let alone when you are passionate about something or truly care. One of the MOST important lessons is that we need to create and hold a sacred space for our clients. In this sacred space we put a forcefield around ourselves as a Coach [think of Violet in the Incredibles here] and breathe. Something as simple as pace, pace - lead with the BREATH can have extraordinary results, allowing the Client to feel compassion, feel heard, feel seen. As well as the Coach not bringing in their own emotions or words. The most professional and profound thing we can do is to be present on a human level. To show kindness and be present. N

3 Tipps für den Umgang mit den eigenen Emotionen: Die eigene Frustration, wenn Widerstände beim Klienten auftauchen ist immer eine der größten Lerngelegenheiten für uns als Coaches. Schon an verschiedenen Stellen in der Arbeit mit Coaching Kunden habe ich festgestellt, dass mangelnder Fortschritt oder Widerstände Frustration in mir selber auslösten. Folgende 3 leicht umsetzbare Tipps helfen mir, meine Emotionen zu managen und persönlich zu wachsen: 1. Achtsamkeit üben. Was fühle ich? Erkenne ich ein Muster? 2. Offen mit dem Kunden über die eigene Wahrnehmung in der Zusammenarbeit sprechen, Ursachen suchen und Lösungen gemeinsam erarbeiten. 3. Ursache der eigenen Emotion reflektieren mit dieser Frage: Warum bin ich gerade frustriert?

In fact, sharing with your coaching client which emotions you feel sitting in the coaching room might be key to progress. Any situation in coaching is co-created. Your client might feel the same emotions as you and making a coachee reflect on them might lead them to their own solutions. Sharing with them what you feel as a result of a coaching conversation might make them reflect on how they impact other people. Too many people „manage their emotions“ and as a result try to keep a key part of human interaction out of human interactions.

Through time and practice, I have understood that periodically reviewing and adjusting my coaching approach is essential for sustained progress. A client aiming for work-life balance initially resisted restructuring their schedule. Regular check-ins allowed us to assess what was working and what needed modification. Flexibility in the coaching process ensured that, as their circumstances evolved, so did our strategies. This adaptive approach cultivated a sense of partnership and trust, ultimately breaking down resistance.

A professional coach is not there to "give advice", their role is to help their clients find their own solutions, tailored to their needs and not those of the Coach. This is a massive misconception of what coaching, professional coaching is all about.

If they remain resistant, adapt your coaching style. Maybe they prefer a different communication method or need more time to process. Be flexible.

Review and reflect after each session. My approach is only really solidified by the end. It is a project and we are a team and I invest in the person and I want them to succeed and I am open to changing, adapting....from length of sessions to locations to the style of communication to....just do what works and find the right frequency for the seasons asap. Just as shrinks say seasons only work if the client opens up, coaching only works if there is honesty and you both start the path.

When clients are resisting executive coaching, I have a saying which is you can’t push a string. While it may be a client’s intention to utilize coaching services, sometimes the timing is not right or there are roadblocks and/or other attenuating factors which get in the way. It is critical that the personality of the coach and those that they coaching are an aligned fit. Sometimes, best intentioned efforts get off track. This is a time where the coach and those that they are coaching must regroup and together figure out the best way forward. Sometimes a timeout is needed and other times a new approach is required. The key is for coaches and their clients to move forward together and in alignment to achieve the desired career goals.

First of all a coach doesn’t give advice, we’re supposed to guide them into their own solutions. Second of all, it is best to begin with a clear agreement on what is expected from the coaching and what is the coachee willing to do, and what are the principles for both to guide the coaching process, this way you can always go back to that agreement if their behavior is showing some kind of breach.

The main focus of coaching is to help our clients find their own solutions. It's not for us to give advice necessarily (unless we take a blended coaching and mentoring approach) and even then, it's absolutely not for us to insist a client takes it! Resistance in common during the coaching process. Change is often uncomfortable, and there can be lots of practical, emotional or personal reasons that people don't want to take a particular course of action. It doesn't mean the advice is bad; it might just not sit right with them. Coaches need to take their ego out of the equation and ask what is best for their client. Usually, that means empowering them to find their own solutions, and helping them to take action.

Advice isn't coaching. Who writes these articles? It looks like AI, which is harvesting our expertise for nothing. Is there an author / source?

As a coach, we should be slow to provide advice. The most effective coaches excel at posing the right questions to guide clients in generating their own ideas. Clients are more inclined to implement ideas they've originated rather than suggestions from coaches. When solicited for advice, by all means, coaches should share it. However, if the urge to offer advice arises spontaneously, it's advisable for a coach to ask permission. If the client opens the door to advise, it will be better received.

Curious inquiry and active listening will help Coaches understand where the Client is coming from. This helps us calibrate the 'resistance'. What appears as resistance is often a manifestation of not being understood. 'Advice' would not be Coaching !