How can you use silence to improve coaching sessions?

Silence is quite possibly the most powerful tool in a coach’s repertoire. When you think you have something to add, wait just a little bit longer. Always be thinking, WAIT (why am I talking?).

The eloquent silence in a coaching session requires confidence and self-awareness on the part of the coach. Confidence to trust in the emergent process, and awareness of what is going on for you as a coach so that you can keep out of the way of your client's process. Silence is a here-and-now presence of the fertile void. In which we meet what isn't yet and will be.

Silence is not enough. When a coachee is expressing or sharing their concerns, I have found it most useful to not show any facial or body approval/disapproval gestures. Doing so has at times veered the share to avoid topics that you may inherently not want to get into. It is very important to have a stoic/unbiased presence to get the whole story of what it is they need help with and what they have done thus far to alleviate the problem, without any biases in their shares.

Silence in coaching (and in life) is also a way of making space for the connection mind-heart-body through which bodily sensations can be felt and integrated to nourish a perspective or create a new emerging one. This holds true in my experience for the client and the coach. But admittedly, it is not always easy; it requires a conscious intention of making - creating - that space as we have learned at school and in other contexts to fill the space with words most of the time.

Silence, in coaching, is synonymous with amplified listening, and respect towards the coachee and his times for reflection and introspection. But, above all, silence is a competence that is opposed to “performance”, to “doing”: it’s helping to create a space that is apparently empty, but which in reality is a forge of new awareness(es).

Stille auszuhalten ist der schwierigsten Methoden, wenn man als Coach startet oder wenn man Coaching-Methoden als Führungskraft anwenden möchte. Die gute Nachricht ist, dass man es lernen und vor allem trainieren kann. Zunächst mal geht es im Coaching nicht darum, dem Klienten eine Antwort zu geben, sondern dessen Lösungsorientierung zu fördern. Deshalb kann man auch in normalen täglichen Gesprächen einfach bewusst Pausen setzen, sie aushalten und schauen was passiert. Für mich ist es immer ein gutes Zeichen, wenn jemand erstmal über eine Frage nachdenken muss - denn es zeigt, dass er es vielleicht das erste Mal zu diesem Thema tut

An aspect that is also important is to be aware of are our automatic responses and linguistic reflexes. Therefore it is crucial that the coach takes the time to install several moments silence in her own life circumstances. Gandhi used to have one day in silence per week. Coaching in a foreign language gives me also more time to be in silent presence.

Silence can earn respect. Allow your clients to process and think about your questions. This shows that you respect their opinion. As coaches, we don't have to always be talking. I learnt the number one rule of coaching is ABL: Always be listening. If you're sincerely listening, silence will fill its place.

One thing that helped me in my early coaching journey, was the perspective that silence is a gift to our clients. Something to think about if you're struggling to not fill the silence is that as coaches we hold the space for our clients to pause and think deeply about their situations. Which they can't do if we keep filling the silence. And the conversation is not about us as coaches, it's about our client's journey. Creating silence slows down the pace and enables deeper thinking. Something I've done when I've felt that the pace was getting too quick and we could miss important cues, is to count "1 .. 2 .. 3" in my head before continuing with the conversation. Silence is a powerful tool and as coaches we need to embrace it.

Creating silence for the purpose of silence is counterproductive in coaching. Silence needs to happen at the right moment and not when my mind thinks it needs to happen. The key to creating silence in coaching sessions is connection. Connection with yourself and connection with the person in front of you. When I was in acting school, which was my former career, we practiced this by staying in front of the acting partner, and you were only allowed to start with your lines when you had a feeling of a deep connection. In coaching sessions, I continuously check in with myself on how connected I am. Already this little check-in helps me immensely to slow down and feel when it is time to hold the space and create some silence.

I like the phrase “practice the pause”. We coaches need to also exemplify this silence (and demonstrate that it’s ok) by pausing to think before jumping to answer every question.

It’s not the silence itself, but the work of connections maintained and fortified that does the heavy lifting. The presence you bring invites a different level of engagement and conversation. Spirit to spirit, heart to heart, united in focus on moving forward. In that connection, the silence is not difficult to hold. So if you want to use silence, instead - practice connection. That way, the silence becomes incidental.

Maintaining silence isn't just hard for coachees, but many coaches also have difficulties with maintaining silence. To practice, spend 15 minutes a day sitting quietly with no distractions. You may have to work yourself up to that number! As thoughts come in, acknowledge them and let them pass by. If you are practiced and calm in the silence, your clients will learn from you and allow themselves the time and space to just be "in the moment."

Saborea el silencio. Deja tu mete de coach en blanco. No pienses en nada más, no busques la siguiente pregunta. Sólo mira a tu coachee y extrae toda la información que puedas...observa detenidamente cómo cambia su cuerpo y su expresión mientras piensa y se da cuenta de cosas que no sabía; observa cómo se mueven sus ojos; acompaña y sincroniza tu respiración con la suya; sincroniza el latido de tu corazón...todo eso se palpa, se siente y diría que, incluso, es adictivo. Saborea el silencio.

Maintaining silence in coaching can be challenging, especially when your coachee pauses or struggles with it. Trust in their ability to share when ready. Remember, silence holds immense value in fostering their growth. Stay patient, supportive, and refrain from pressuring them. Redirect questions back to them and use open-ended inquiries to aid exploration. Embrace the quiet, for within it lies the seeds of profound discovery.

The best use of silence comes after asking your client thoughtful questions based on the natural flow of the conversation between you. It becomes part of the conversation itself without it being contrived. And it allows your client to come to their own understanding and awareness about the topic at hand. On the other hand, artificial silence can create barriers to progress. The client can sense this, if not outright tell that the coach is "coaching" them. It tends to keep things at a superficial level, even if it appears that progress has been made. To fix this, the coach can observe how they interact with people in life that they're quite comfortable with, and carry that skill-set over to their sessions.

To me there is nothing more uncomfortable than silence. I came from a large loud family and it was rarely quiet. I had a coach one time that would interject these HUGE periods of ill-timed silence. No question, or request for reflection or response. Just dead silence. It made me so incredibly uncomfortable all I wanted to do was leave. Being able to know the duration and timing of silence can be critical in effectiveness.

In my experience, suggesting to a coachee later that they reflect on their emotions and their level of comfort while maintaining silence and incorporating pauses is another valuable way to use silence in a coaching session. Those who hardly handle silence and pauses during a coaching session could have the same challenge in their everyday life and becoming aware of it can bring positive impact to them.

This is what Carl Rogers, the father of patient-centred therapy said about silence in 1942. I believe it still applies today: "In an initial interview, long pauses or silence are likely to be embarrassing rather than helpful. In subsequent contacts, however, if fundamental rapport is good, silence on the part of the counselor may be a most useful device." I have found that 9.5 out of 10 times when I choose to remain silent during a coaching session and create space for the client, they will keep working, going deeper and discovering things about themselves they otherwise mightn't discover. It's one of the most beautiful things in coaching. Giving the gift of truly listening to another human.

Hay que estar muy presente en la sesión para percibir cuándo hay que usar el silencio. Normalmente el silencio se usa para dejarle espacio al coachee para reflexionar tras una pregunta, tras una metáfora. Pero es el coachee quien decide el momento (a veces, la pregunta más simple como un "¿y?", puede suponer un momento de toma de consciencia) y el coach debe estar ahí para notarlo. El silencio también puede usarse para reducir la velocidad de la sesión y ayudar al coachee a relajarse. Si un coachee está estresado, responderá muy rápido; y el coach puede usar pequeños silencios (junto con una respiración pausada, profunda y sonora) antes de continuar, para que el coachee, de forma inconsciente, lo imite.

Key to remember here is that how your client experiences the silence may not be how you experience them. It may feel to you like the silences are "too long" but your client may feel that gives them the space they want to think. If you think your client may not be appreciating the silence, just noticing that with them and asking them what is going on for them can be insightful.

Aquí hay dos puntos a distinguir. * Es el coachee quien evaluará si silencio le ha sido útil o no. Quizá te lo diga, o quizá no. Si no le ha servido, puedes estar tranquilo que te lo va a decir. Y si no lo dice, entonces tú, como coach, tendrás que usar tu intuición para "leer" a tu coachee y saber si se siente incómodo o no, si le ha servido o no. Y eso, te puede servir para hacerle más preguntas "¿qué hay en ese silencio que te incomoda?" * Lo que el coach puede hacer es auto-evaluarse como coach en esos momentos "¿he estado lo suficientemente presente en el silencio?", "¿he estado pensando en otra cosa?", "¿me he puesto nervioso?", "¿qué tal he sostenido el silencio?"

You are the silence even when speaking, if you feel into the silence that you are, the coaching will naturally go deeper with the client spontaneously touching into their own inner wisdom, with no effort.

What works for me is to discover insights from silent moments. Usually there must be a balance between active listening and silence in order to stop the pattern of the session Q&As to silence in one important moment. The momentum will reach its peak if you observe the body language and the sense of what the coachee is expressing. Be aware of over using the silence as the rhythm can then become boring to the coachee or turning into another kind of session as a psychoanalysis which is not the place or the role of the coach.

Silence is an essential skill in coaching but also something that generally makes people uncomfortable in casual conversations characterized by fragmented listening. In coaching, on the contrary, silence can represent a moment rich in reflection, where the coachee suspends speech to access deeper parts of their consciousness. I wrote “CAN represent” because even in a coaching session, silence can be uncomfortable if the coach fosters it while the coachee is NOT in a phase of reflection and redefinition of their certainties. For this reason, cultivating a deep level of contextual listening makes the difference between providing a great opportunity for the coachee and a moment of unnecessary discomfort.

A delicate balance has to be maintained while using silence. Too much of it may risk the coachee getting lost in their thoughts and straying away from the conversation. On the other hand, a lack of it may suggest that the conversation may be full of reactions and not responses, and there is not enough opportunity for reflection. The silence of the coach at an inappropriate time can create awkwardness, indicate a lack of presence, and hint that the coach is caught in the whirl of his/her thoughts and emotions.

Silence can be powerful, but unfortunately, some individuals are also triggered by silence. While I agree it's important to practice the pause, and yes, allow space: know your audience. Consider waiting five to seven seconds and then ask, "do you need more time?" Better yet, validate their perspective by saying, "I'm interested in hearing your thoughts."

While silence can be a powerful tool, we also have to be careful not to overuse it. Too much silence will be awkward no matter how intentional we are about it.

We have to remember we’re coaches, not psychotherapists. IMHO, it is important to be certain that our clients know why we’re silent. We should never manipulate them into a silence. For example we might say, take a minute to think about what we just talked about. Or, I’m going to be quiet for a bit so you can really think about our conversation. If in your true opinion your client can use a “shrink”, say so.

Silence is about giving space, yet it's important not to be leaving your client alone with their struggles. Presence is everything. Can you be with yourself in silence or do you always seek distraction? Begin with your relationship with yourself. Thinking of it as "not being a distraction" may be more prosaic than the cheesy "holding space", yet it's a much more actionable way of thinking about it. The real skill is in listening in an embodied way so you can feel when your client is touching something and not wade in with yet another question. Don't use silence as a "technique". It's not something you do, it's more switching for a moment from doing into being with.