‘The burden of proof was always on me, the victim, who he had raped, strangled, stalked and financially abused’

When I met this particular guy, I’d had some difficult life circumstances but I was trying to do all the right things and turn my life around. I was in recovery and met him in 12-step meetings. He would have heard me talk about my deepest fears and worries and family situation. So he had a lot of information about me and knew where my soft spots were and how to target me. I had no idea that I didn’t have autonomy. I didn’t know I had been targeted and set up.

The violence escalated early in the relationship and after six months, there was a vicious attack that ended up in court. Friends and family intervened and said his life would be ruined and he didn’t mean to do it, so I didn’t give evidence. I got out of the relationship for a year, but he still had access to me and when I found myself facing another challenge in my life, I guess I was seduced by him saying everything I wanted to hear. He said all the right things.

As soon as we got back together, I knew I was never going to be safe.

We never got married or had property together, but we did have a child. Life was a pattern of coercive control, rape, abuse, torture. Even when it was finally over, he never stopped intimidating me and stalking me relentlessly.

This is the bit I really want to emphasise and that comes across so clearly in the Allianz ad supporting Women’s Aid. The post-separation control is a huge problem. That’s when it can really escalate. That’s when it might ramp up.

It has been a court battle of more than a decade. Perpetrators know all the loopholes and clauses. There have been times I have faced two court hearings a month. I’ve had nearly 20 addresses since I met him.

I’m married now, with younger children and everywhere I’ve gone, he’s followed. There was a pattern of stalking my husband and me, and threats to kill. If I reported him, then allegations would be made that I was neglecting our child, which would lead to me being investigated.

The burden of proof was always on me, the victim, who he had raped, strangled, stalked, financially abused. 

I love the Allianz Women’s Aid ad and campaign, and the theme of abused women as the strongest women in the world. It’s turning everything on its head and showing the heightened intensity of living with ongoing trauma.

It shows so clearly that point where, no matter what, you can’t take any more. That’s the switch that’s flicked in a woman’s mind when she says “Enough”.

It’s in the eyes of the woman at the door in the ad. She sees her abuser so clearly. She’s not angry, but she’s done. That happens to so many women in abusive situations, but it doesn’t always mean she can get away. She will need the right support and protection in every way. He will always continue to try to have access to her.

It can happen that it’s nearly safer to be closer to the abuser, than to be apart. When you’re apart, the danger is that you don’t know what he’s going to do next.

I would love if the ad inspired other women to identify with how strong they are to survive abuse. Women who experience abuse are not to be pitied but admired and supported.

A perpetrator will lead their victim to believe that they are less than other women and that they are isolated. These images convey that no, there is a sisterhood for survivors and that together, women can overcome anything.

See allianz.ie/womensaid to help break the taboo. For the Women’s Aid 24-hour National Freephone Helpline, tel: (1800) 341-900.