Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
A gender reveal but it’s me and my husband opening up the speed trap camera ticket to see who was behind the wheel
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) July 5, 2024
Marriage is great except for the part where you find out you make too much noise breathing and eating.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) July 6, 2024
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying two days longer than planned
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 7, 2024
The average person who is not married to my husband has NO IDEA how much soccer one can watch on TV.
— Alyssa Leader (@alittleleader) July 6, 2024
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) July 7, 2024
My wife claimed “I bring shame to my family” when I asked Lowe’s customer service questions about the return policy and made jokes like “We’ll wipe it down with Clorox” and “No visible butt prints” about the toilet seat she picked out and had us shamelessly lugging around.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) July 5, 2024
my wife: you look like you’re delivering the mail
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) July 5, 2024
me: what do you mean pic.twitter.com/8Xu6qWQOBP
My wife asked if I wanted to get together with friends today. I said no. So we meet up with them at 3 today.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 4, 2024
I asked my husband to get me hemorrhoid cream because I knew he'd have to ask the person at Target to get it out of the locked cabinet. I don't actually have hemorrhoids; I just thought it would be amusing.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 3, 2024
Today my physician husband told me he won an appeal on a traffic violation "even though my lawyer spouse refused to help" and boy did we have a fun conversation about the time he made me drive to instacare in a blizzard because he refused to prescribe me basic cold medicine.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 5, 2024
I sometimes feel jealous of my husband who manages to stay pretty disconnected from stressful news but then I hear him screaming while playing "Elden Ring" and realize he's just suffering in a different way.
— Ben Siemon (@BenjaminJS) July 2, 2024
[going to bed]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 3, 2024
Wife: I don’t have to work tomorrow so don’t wake me up in the morning.
Me: Okay.
[5 AM]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Celebrating Independence Day as a golf widow, just as our forefathers intended.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) July 4, 2024
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) July 4, 2024
my wife thinks just because these shorts have 2 holes in them that I should throw them away. She doesn't understand that I have new lounge around the house shorts now. They've been promoted.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 4, 2024
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 4, 2024
dog rolling over for belly rubs: adorable
— Midge (@mxmclain) July 7, 2024
husband rolling over for belly rubs: unacceptable
Wife: Can I trim your shorts so they don’t look so long like you’re living in 1995?
�� Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 5, 2024
Me: No, they’re gonna come back
I was laying around thinking about how much I wanted tacos.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) July 2, 2024
Then my husband walked into the room and asked if I wanted him to pick up tacos.
So this is love
Wife tried to help me do some woodworking projects but quickly got tired of me saying "screw me" everytime I needed a screw
— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) July 5, 2024