Funny Tweets
"Being a cat must be hard because you have sharp pointy teeth and claws but can also be picked up and carried like a baby"
"Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together"
"the best thing about being alive is that sometimes there is a cat"
"one thing I like saying to my cats in admonishment is 'you know the rules' when they very clearly do not know and will never know the rules"
WHAT'S HAPPENING
"Stirring up s**t at the wedding by going up to random people and saying 'I think it’s so brave that you’re here'"
"there is no higher form of comedy than a pet with a human name. congrats on your netflix special or whatever, but this dog's name is Peter"
"sorry i can't hang out i have to sit here and slow blink at this cat who hates me"
"Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse"
"People should get paid time off whenever their cat decides it's time to sit on their belly"
"Took my kid to “Bring Your Child To Work Day” a few weeks ago and now, any time I ask her how she’s doing, she says 'Living the dream.'"