Between 2-3 stars. This was a very quick, relatively enjoyable read, and Ms. Vardalos is very likable. Her journey was interesting, but the book seemsBetween 2-3 stars. This was a very quick, relatively enjoyable read, and Ms. Vardalos is very likable. Her journey was interesting, but the book seems to lose steam and focus near the end and I felt like the last third was just filler.
Part of how I rate a book is based on how well a book accomplishes what it purports to do. That is, an investigative journalistic expose or analysis will have a higher bar than will a memoir. So, some books that have lower ratings may actually be better and more worthwhile books than some that have higher ratings. In this instance, part of the stated intent of this book is to raise adoption awareness and to provide information about adoption. But the book doesn't accomplish this very well, and is actually a bit dangerous in that multiple times Vardalos expresses the idea that 'love is enough' when taking care of children. This is not actually true that 'all you need is love.' There are many children who need more than that, and when people adopt traumatized kids and have the mindset that all they have to do is love them, the results can be disastrous for everyone involved and the children end up even further traumatized.
I am glad that it sounds like all has worked out well for this family, and it is a very happy adoption story, at least the way it is portrayed. I couldn't help but wonder, though about the background of her daughter, as some of the behaviors she described are the results of trauma, yet, she implies that there was little to no trauma in her daughter's case. (I don't mean this aspect as a criticism, because it would not have been appropriate for her to include her daughter's story for public consumption. It is a good thing she did not, but this does add to a feeling of simply not having enough information to really assess the situation.)
Another puzzling aspect of this book is Vardalos' adoption journey. She embarked on a multi-year journey into the adoption world, yet seems to have had little knowledge of it. I adopted during the early part of the time period when Vardalos was investigating adoption, and I don't understand why she had so little information and seemed incapable of obtaining more information. Before I adopted my son, I had no special connection to adoption -- no particularized knowledge, no 'inside track,' no wellspring of information that wasn't available to everyone else, and I managed to find information and adopt my son. She mentions international adoption, but kind of indicates that she got on some list and never heard anything. That simply doesn't make any sense -- during the time period she is discussing, there were multiple countries that had robust international adoption programs, and had she simply followed the steps, she absolutely would have brought home a child within a relatively short time period. So, I don't understand why she didn't go this route. (And she may have had very valid reasons not to adopt internationally -- even if she simply didn't want to. But this is never explained, and this point is a glaring omission in this story that is supposed to be all about adoption.)
All in all, this story is incomplete, and there is (for very good reason) a lot of information missing about her daughter. But again, this is dangerous in encouraging people to adopt (especially from the foster care system) who are not fully prepared to parent traumatized children. Yes, more people should adopt from the foster care system (although there are lots of issues within the foster care system that need to be addressed), but they can't go into it just with the information in this book, which partially bills itself as an adoption guide....more
This ranks a high three stars. It's got some good information on a fascinating subject, but the narrative meandered a lot and was repetitive in many pThis ranks a high three stars. It's got some good information on a fascinating subject, but the narrative meandered a lot and was repetitive in many places -- several times I found myself swearing that I was re-reading an earlier-read sentence verbatim. There's a lot of info on tangential issues, and the author's personal story about IVF treatments was either too much or too little - either more should have been included and this could have been a dual story of her journey and China's experience, or it should have been mostly omitted, perhaps included in an epilogue.
I've read quite a bit about China and the one-child policy, and I've read more-in depth accounts of many of the issues elsewhere. This is probably a great book if you've never read anything about contemporary China, the one-child policy or population control/overpopulation. But for me, I didn't feel like I really learned anything new. One thing I really didn't like was the (albeit brief) rumination that some of the children kidnapped by the government and sold to orphanages for adoption overseas were perhaps better off. {cringe} Although, she does immediately assert that child stealing is, of course, always wrong. The section on adoption was perhaps the most interesting, although it comprised only a small part of the book. For that particular subject, Kay Johnson's China's Hidden Children, published around the same time is much better.
In short, a good read with some good information, but there are better books (and even articles) out there....more
This book was different than I expected -- I thought I'd be reading of a tragedy involving a woman who genuinely did not have the ability or resourcesThis book was different than I expected -- I thought I'd be reading of a tragedy involving a woman who genuinely did not have the ability or resources to care for her child, so she places the child for adoption, and loses her relationship with the child. Instead, this is a tragedy of a different sort -- a tragedy of regret for a decision made. This author could have kept her child, relatively easily, as she was already 22 years old, and had a supportive family. She could have married the child's father, or she could have not married the child's father, yet continued to have a relationship with him, as he was willing to be an involved parent. That she didn't do these things led to some of my frustrations, although they were frustrations with her choices, rather than frustrations with the book itself, which is a very important addition to all the adoption literature that's out there.
I have read quite a bit about adoption, and I adopted one of my children. So many narratives focus on the adoptive parents, and occasionally focus on adoptees, but it is rare to see a memoir of someone who relinquished a child. (And the few that do exist tend to be horrific accounts from the 50s and 60s.) I was therefore interested to read a contemporary account of an open adoption.
I'm hesitant to criticize too much, because this is such an important viewpoint, and this is, after all, her own story, but I had several problems with the book. It often meanders and waxes philosophical and employs flowery language that doesn't add to the story. It also has odd timing, and I had trouble, especially after the birth of the baby, keeping track of the timeline. (And also of the various boyfriends that enter and leave her life.)
I had a hard time empathizing with some parts of her story, because so many of the sad situations are self created. I couldn't really understand why she broke up with the baby's father, refusing to consider parenting with him or marrying him. And I couldn't understand her puzzlement or sadness as far as her reactions to the birthfather/boyfriend's very understandable and expected reactions to her rejection of him. I also couldn't entirely understand her determination to relinquish, even as she had second thoughts. She actually reminds me of some people I've encountered who simply always must create chaos and instability in their lives -- they always have to have plates spinning, and if things start to become too stable, they throw another boulder into the pool. I could hardly keep track of her constant moving, from city to city, sometimes even out of the country and the attendant rupturing of any and all relationships she formed while living in these various cities.
It seems like she really should have married the baby's father and had a life with the baby and with him, although I expect that had she done so, she'd still be unhappy, probably feeling too tied down and longing for some kind of elusive adventure. But at least then she would have had her son, so all of the sadness related to relinquishing him wouldn't be there.
I couldn't help but continually think that the adoptive family she chose for her son was too perfect. (So I wonder how accurate this is -- the family almost seem like saints, although maybe the author can't take even the slightest risk that the family would cut her out of their lives.) This seems like the ideal open adoption, and, I would suspect that given the opportunity, the adoptive mother would shout from the rooftops that theirs' was a perfect example of how wonderful adoption is, and how this birth mother is really involved and happy, and in a good place regarding the adoption. It seems like, if even in this very best case scenario, the birthmother is still reeling from grief a dozen years later, adoption should virtually never be a consideration. (And really, it should happen less often than it does.) While there are and will always be women who truly are not in a position to parent a child, for various reasons, that number will always be far fewer than the number of people who want to adopt.
A lot of people like to conflate abortion and adoption, which are two very different issues. This really shows the difficulty of relinquishing a child, and illustrates the utter ridiculousness of the phrases "just adopt" and "just place the child for adoption." This is all the more highlighted by the author's subsequent choice to have an abortion when faced with another pregnancy, and that it is far more likely a woman will suffer lifelong regret for placing a child, than from having an abortion.
Ordinarily, I'd give this 3 stars, for the sometimes difficult to follow timeline, and some of the ruminations that didn't really have anything to do with anything, but I'm adding an extra star because it is such an important addition to all of the writings out there about adoption....more
Such a great analysis of the one child policy and the real reasons underlying the availability of babies, particularly girls, for adoption in China. ISuch a great analysis of the one child policy and the real reasons underlying the availability of babies, particularly girls, for adoption in China. I'd recommend it to anyone, but especially to anyone who has any connection to adoption, whether domestic or international. ...more
I read this book in one day -- it is a quick, wonderful read and this man's story is simply amazing. As a 5 year old, he got lost on a train in India,I read this book in one day -- it is a quick, wonderful read and this man's story is simply amazing. As a 5 year old, he got lost on a train in India, and ended up in Australia, adopted by white parents. I read a lot of books that deal with sad or unsavory aspects of adoption, so it was refreshing to read this one that, despite the loss involved, was basically a happy story, and described Mr. Brierley's ability to navigate having two families, both of whom he loves. ...more
Excellent read. There were a few typos in the book, which were a little disconcerting, and the book would have benefitted from an index. A valuable piExcellent read. There were a few typos in the book, which were a little disconcerting, and the book would have benefitted from an index. A valuable piece of information on the complex world of international adoption. ...more
I'm not really sure how many stars I want to give this book. On the one hand, I am so glad I read it and I highly recommend it because it contained soI'm not really sure how many stars I want to give this book. On the one hand, I am so glad I read it and I highly recommend it because it contained so much information, and gave some really good insight into some of the aspects that play into adoption. But on the other hand, there were some parts that were really glossed over, and some acceptance of groups like UNICEF that weren't really fully explored or addressed. While Ms. Joyce points out some very troublesome and problematic aspects of adoption (not just those that take place internationally, but also with in the U.S.), she ignores other problems that arise out of some of the solutions that she seems to embrace. At one point, she discusses a country that is dedicated to minimizing the number of out-of-country adoptions, and gives an example of a girl who would have been eligible for adoption, but was not, because her birthmother was known, but was in a mental institution. Joyce implicitly approves of this outcome -- that the girl would likely lose all ties with her mother were she to be adopted abroad. Yet, obviously the mother is not able to care for her, and there's no indication that she will be able to do so in the future. How is the girl's situation better than being adopted abroad?
Similarly, she seems to approve of measures that require that all efforts be made to first find genetic relatives of the child who will hopefully care for him or her, before the child is eligible for adoption, sometimes even requiring these efforts to go on for 6 months or more. However, who is to say that a biological relative is the best caregiver for such a child? In many circumstances, a birthmother may relinquish or abandon a child because the family disapproved of the pregnancy or may have been abusive or otherwise dysfunctional. What would be gained by seeking these same relatives, from whom the mother might have wanted to hide the pregnancy (especially in some societies where an out of wedlock pregnancy is particularly shameful)?
Another point, although minor, is that she references a conference about adoption and repeatedly refers to it as occurring at NYU Law School. This is incorrect. I have attended the conferences, and they are at New York Law School, which although it is still in New York, and is still a law school, is an entirely different law school than NYU's law school. There is an undertone to the discussion of this conferences that it is an elite conference, partially due to it's affiliation with NYU, but there is no such affiliation. Again, I admit this is a minor point, and the conference attendees could still be referred to as "elite" in that they included many government officials and lawyers, policy makers, doctors, and professors who work in fields related to adoption. But the repeated incorrect reference was nevertheless slightly troubling.
This book tackles a huge array of issues in adoption, some of which are more problematic than others, and Joyce sometimes conflates situations that aren't really similar. Some issues are pointed out as problematic, when I don't believe they are necessarily so, or not nearly as much as she seems to believe.
On the whole, however, the religious calling to adopt is a huge problem in that it creates this demand that cannot be fulfilled and leads people to adopt for the wrong reasons. People should not be adopting because they think they are saving a child, or because they think it will somehow curry favor with God, or because they think they are somehow performing a good deed. They should adopt only because they want to parent a child. It is troubling how many people are becoming involved in adoption for entirely wrong reasons, and the results of this are too frequently tragic for everyone involved.
In addition, the idea that adoption issues really stem from women's rights (or lack thereof) and women's inequality is very insightful, as is the observation that poverty, together with women's equality, are really the biggest issues to address when attempting to tackle the plight of children who live in dire conditions. ...more
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