Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #1: Juliette is stunningly, magnificently incompetent at her job
The ending of Ignite Me is shit, alright? Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #1: Juliette is stunningly, magnificently incompetent at her job
The ending of Ignite Me is shit, alright? Juliette becomes Supreme Commander of an entire country in the name of “feminism” DESPITE her having received no proper education or training. Restore Me simply highlights how terrible that decision was.
I mean, look at this crap:
“Why did I think I’d be capable of running a entire continent? How did I allow myself to imagine that a supernatural ability to kill things with my skin would suddenly grant me a comprehensive understanding of political science?”
"I did not think it would be easy to be a leader exactly, but I do think I thought it would be easier than this"
“What do you mean, my quarters? I have quarters?”
Juliette is boggled out of her tiny mind that Warner can speak seven languages, even though it should be common sense given that he was the commander's son. At one point, she wistfully wishes Anderson, the evil dictator she killed, were alive so he could take governance off her hands. Oh, she also calls him talented.
[image]
The scenario reminds me of my experience with Wandavision. Everyone was sobbing their eyes out and bumping Wanda up to their favorite Avenger, while I had no sympathy for her at all. She held an entire town hostage and forced its residents to relive her nightmares nightly. All the good characters talk about how hard Wanda had it and how her actions are understandable—indirectly telling the audience to sympathize with Wanda. In the end, when normalcy is restored, the townspeople see Wanda off with unforgiving eyes and the special agent says to Wanda, "They will never know what you sacrificed for them." As if Wanda, not the poor people she terrorized, is the victim here.
Maybe some people sympathize with Juliette. I imagine that must be the case, given how astounding popular this series is. She's a teenager with great potential struggling to do her best. On a certain level, I sympathize with her. But my sympathy does not stretch beyond my concern for the populace. I sure as fuck wouldn't want Juliette as my president. I wouldn't trust her to run a bake sale, let alone the shattered remains of a dictatorship. It's lunacy to parade placing an incompetent woman in a position of power as feminism.
Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #2: The Soap Opera Continues
In the original trilogy, we found out Warner and Adam are brothers. Now we discover Juliette’s parents weren’t her real parents and her real ones might still be alive. And she has an older sister??
[image]
Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #3: There is No Plot
Half the book is Juliette finding out she is shit at her job. Then two people show up from another country, Juliette gets shot (don't worry, it has very little impact on anything), she finds out secrets about her past, and for the grand finale, (view spoiler)[she murders 600 people (evil commanders, of course) and her real parents take her home. (hide spoiler)]
Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #4: Juliette and Warner's Romance is Bullshit
“If Juliette has been supreme commander for seventeen days now, she and I have only been in a relationship for two days longer than that."
That quote seems pretty self-explanatory. They are the classic YA power couple: soulmates despite minimum interaction.
I maintain that Warner is an abusive fuck, but even if we ignore that, these hormonal teenagers know next to nothing about each other.
"I know he loves me--I can feel, in our every interaction, how deeply he cares for me--but even so, he's only ever offered me the vaguest information about his life."
[image]
The thing is, she whines that Warner and Castle are keeping secrets from her, but the instant she finds out any type of impactful information (like Warner's ex), she has a mental breakdown. Kinda hard to blame them for hiding things.
Juliette and Warner's sex scenes are nauseatingly perfect too. There are common descriptions of heated skin to keep it age-appropriate. I actually wonder if they break into fever every time they fuck. And, of course, they orgasm together in perfect symphony.
Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #5: Juliette's Thick-Ass Plot Armor
You can rest assured nothing bad will ever happen to Juliette. Her plot armor is so thick, it'd stop a dozen machetes. She’s never seriously injured and everyone kisses up to her. She never suffers consequences in her personal relationships due to her actions. It’s always the other person's fault and they’re always, ALWAYS, panting to make it up to her.
Even when Juliette force Kenji and Warner to spend time together. Even when she makes Kenji wait two hours for her because she was fucking her boyfriend. She prettily apologizes, they forgive her, and the world moves on, orbiting Juliette, the center of the universe.
Introducing a brand new game show! Who Said It: Teenage Girl or Horse?
"I thought this girl wanted to make friends, but she'd already changed her mi
Introducing a brand new game show! Who Said It: Teenage Girl or Horse?
"I thought this girl wanted to make friends, but she'd already changed her mind and started talking trash about me. She was no different than Beatrice. At least I knew her name now: Merritt, like the highway."
[image]
"No sleep in Brooklyn!
The boom-boom-clash beat of the classic Beastie Boys' song reverberated through my head."
[image]
"I imagined there was gossip about me. I could picture the discussion on a radio call-in show."
[image]
"What a freak."
[image]
"Couldn't she just text her?"
[image]
"It was one of the blondes. Amora or Nadia. I couldn't keep them straight."
[image]
If you guessed teenage girl for every single one, then you're dead wrong. All of them were pulled from a horse's POV. Thanks for playing!
Seriously though, what horse knows about texting? What horse can't identity people by smell and instead focuses on their blonde hair like a pre-feminist awakening tween? Red's (the horse) thoughts are no different than a human's. What's the point of the dual POV then? He calls a bridle and reins by its official names rather than identifying it as something cold and hard and tugged consistently at his mouth—descriptions I would expect animals to give.
[image]
Other things bugged me too, like Merritt mentally insisting Carvin is gay as a reason not to ask him out. That is so offensive on so many levels. It's like a boy eyeing up a hot girl in a bar , then tells his buddies that she "probably swings for the other team anyway" when they urge him to talk to her because he knows he doesn't have a shot.
The ending is neater than a Christmas bow and made me wonder if my copy had five chapters cut out. All loose threads are tied up, all problems are resolved. Which is great except the majority of the plot is focused on Red and Merritt's relationship instead of steadily advancing towards solving those problems.
I liked the premise. I still do, just not the execution.
ARC provided by Edelweiss. Quotes taken from an uncorrected galley proof and may be subject to change....more
"I can't explain it, but I need to find her. Faina. This note wasn't sent in malice, I can feel it."
[image]
One of my pet peeves in books is when a cha
"I can't explain it, but I need to find her. Faina. This note wasn't sent in malice, I can feel it."
[image]
One of my pet peeves in books is when a character makes decisions based on a feeling. Either it goes well, which makes it look like a deux ex machina. Or it goes horribly wrong, making said character look like an idiot.
Guess what happens to Diane. Go on, guess.
[image]
Diane is... you know, I don't quite have the words for her. She's bratty. Childish. Insipid. During the climax, when everything goes to shit, a horse has to tell her what to do. A horse. Granted, a magic horse, but my God!
"'The price of a necklace, she thought guiltily, just one of the many jewels that sit idly in my drawer, more than enough to feed a family.' She often found herself feeling shame at such things."
Nope, sorry, still don't feel sorry for you. Not when you're wallowing in self-pity instead of doing shit. Don't try to tell me her dad might notice, because she totally gives one away later in exchange for a guard's silence.
It's not like she's uneducated. She's the princess of Wonderland, as she loves reminding guards while being unnessarily cruel. She sits through lessons all day long, all throughout the book. You think she'd pick up a few things.
But noooo. Precious Princess Diane makes rash decisions, barely thinking through a plan before plunging up to her shoulders in it. Then whines when they fall through. She throws tantrums bordering on hysterical-outburst material. In the first chapter, when she's being presented to the throne by her very intimidating father, she zones out.
Come on, realistically, would that happen? When you're already frightened and nervous? I'd be hyper alert and march down that aisle as quick as possible, so no one will stare.
[image]
The writing burns my eyes. Just look at it:
"The ivory doors slammed shut behind her, the sound bouncing around the vast room. Voluminous red banners billowed from floor to ceiling, a black heart stitched across each center: the blazon of the King. Dinah's white slippers echoed loudly against the marble floors, and she felt thousands of eyes watching her, judging her. She held her crowned head as highly and regally as she could. The entire court watched her walk up the aisle, lords and ladies of noble birth, their bright fashion a blot of color on the otherwise black-and-white marble room."
Yesh. I can write a Stephenie Meyer novel with all those adjectives.
Sometimes, less is more. Especially in the beginning, when readers are still getting used to the world and characters. I'm not interested in an essay on the duties of different Cards and Wonderland provinces. Spread it out like peanut butter, man.
There's telling in form of dialogue, telling instead of showing, so much telling I feel like I'm five sitting through a lecture from my mom.
"The King of Hearts stood before her now, a giant man full of fury and righteousness and an insatiable lust for food and women."
Give me concubines in the crowd. Show me a straining waistline. Let me hear a barked command at a servant. Don't be fucking lazy with storytelling.
The dialogue is downright cringe-worthy:
"Oh, Dinah, you are too good. This just what I needed. You're incredible, you know that?"
[image]
The whole thing just feels like a prequel.(view spoiler)[There's no surprise, no twists. You've told from day one the king is a dick. You can't expect me to be bamboozled by the knowledge that he's trying to kill his daughter to keep the throne.
Why though? That's a huge plot hole that somehow slipped through. He's not dead yet and he rules by fear. Even if there is a rule that demands he must hand over the throne when Dinah is of age, can't he change it?
Without all the unnecessary description, it'd be half the length, freeing more pages to actually do something substantial. The world-building itself is interesting. The Mad Hatter is Diane's crazy brother Charles who designs hats. The information about Cards and their heirarchy is fascinating once you look through the word-vomit.
But without a plot and interesting characters, it's nothing but an empty world.
ARC provided by Edelweiss. Quotes taken from an uncorrected galley proof and may be subject to change. ...more
A single spotlight flicks on. Cynical Natalie sits in the middle, blinking at the glare.
Cynical Natalie: What the hell is this? Where's my annoying twA single spotlight flicks on. Cynical Natalie sits in the middle, blinking at the glare.
Cynical Natalie: What the hell is this? Where's my annoying twin?
A disjointed voice booms out of the darkness: Are you ready to play How Mad Can We Make Cynical Natalie?
Applause reigns. Cynical Natalie tries to protest, but her voice is masked by the immediate rumble, The rules are simple. Characters, quotes, plot points, anything of note are listed from a novel called Roseblood and we will see how—long—it—takes—for—Cynical Natalie—to—blow—her—TOP!
The cheers are deafening.
Cynical Natalie: Now wait just a minute—
Offering #1: A school in contemporary times is called RoseBlood, like the founder never grew out of his/her emo phase
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #2: Located in France, Roseblood only accepts American students because logic
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #3: Nothing in this book suggests it's set in France. The school is deliberately organized as such to have an "American atmosphere" so students won't get homesick, but we all know that's an excuse to skip research.
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #4: Info-dump. All the fucking info-dump.
In the first chapter, Audrey and her mom word-vomit through conversation why she's being sent to school, her decreased dad, her impulse to sing, her mom's new marriage, her grandma's superstition, etc. After she meets Sunny, there's more word-vomit on the school's history
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #5: Mean Popular Girl is blonde, gorgeous, and sexually forward
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #6: Rune faints on her first day and a hot guy carries her to the infirmary
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #7: Hot guy also happens to be Mean Popular Girl's crush.
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #8: The name Rune
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #9: The writing
"The music brightens our synchronized footsteps, as warm and honey yellow as the sun, flooding our surroundings, relaxing me until there's no strain anywhere on my body. Though the aria rages from my throat--the mood dark, mad and melancholy--I'm unaffected. Bubbles of serenity encapsulate every I staccato, trill and glissando, then lift them from my vocal cords and roll them off my lips, effortlessly."
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #10:More writing
"His lips part and our tongues meet, lighting up my insides with voltaic pulses of emotions, auras that burst in my mind on explosions of color flavored with caramel, midnight flowers and singed spices—dark, tempestuous, and succulent."
Cynical Natalie:
[image] Offering #11: The fucking writing
"An expression of sympathy and supplication deepens his brows his brown, hawkish eyes before they fluctuate to that shimmery, coppery gaze I saw in the garden upon my arrival."
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #12: Special Rune thinks she's cursed and dark. This time, with a dash of racism in the form of "gypsy blood"
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #13: Just this.
"Rune's light. The purest white he'd ever seen... incarnate, rare... the essence of an angel."
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #14: Insta-love
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #15: Twilight parallels
-Rune's Mom abandons her like Bella's mom because of her new husband
-The scene where she unmasks Thorn is similar to when Edward shows off his diamond-encrusted chest. Rune is mesmerized, awed, some other adjective.
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #16: More quotes.
"Logic tells me I should be afraid. But I can't stop thinking about all the hours I've spent with my maestro, how I no longer fear what he hides beneath his mask. How I've seen his soul written upon the pages of his past and it's beautiful."
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #17: Disgusting treatment of sex workers.
Thorn's mom had him out of wedlock and so she considers herself a whore. When Thorn's powers awaken at 14, Erik leads him to a whorehouse to suck energy out of the women working there.
They're treated as less than dirt. In contrast, Rune is encased by a pure white light. Her voice is purity incarnate. She finds her first ever sexual encounter "degrading." You can't not notice these comparisons
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
Offering #18: All. The. Clothes. Descriptions. Sweater and leggings. Jeans and tunic.
Cynical Natalie:
[image]
We've done it, folks! Cynical Natalie is now a frothing vortex of rage. Please show yourselves out and remember NOT to pick up your copy of Roseblood by the door....more
"She tipped her head back and gave the moon a wicked smile. She'd been called Adarlan's assassin for a r
2.5 stars
Answer me something. How can this—
"She tipped her head back and gave the moon a wicked smile. She'd been called Adarlan's assassin for a reason. Dramatic entrances were practically her art form."
—and this—
"Curled on the couch beside Chaol, Calaena took a sip of her tea and frowned. "Can't you hire a servant like Philippa, so we can have someone bring us treats?"
—possibly be the same person?
[image]
I teetered between liking and hating Calaena while reading. Mostly hating. I can handle the shoes and shopping because a girl has the right to look damn good while disemboweling enemies. (Fun fact: Calaena finally acts like a real assassin in this installment)
But leaving her post to dance?
I'm going to say it one more time to let it sink in. The world's greatest assassin left. Her. Fucking. Post. To. Dance.
[image]
It's such a transparent attempt to squeeze in a moonlit waltz between Chaol and Calaena, I want to laugh.
I'm Team Dorian, by the way. Just putting that out there. Chaol is an overprotective fucknuckle who can suck it.
Calaena still does stupid crap, like exploring without backup or sufficient research. Her obsession with chocolate cake is goddamn annoying. It's too cutesy and feels like Maas's trying too hard. Each time it came up, I felt like paraphrasing Amy from Gone Girl: No one fucking likes chocolate cake that much.
Midway, as I was finally warming up to Calaena, she turns into an uber Mary Sue. (view spoiler)[She's part Fae, the lost queen of Terrasen, and has magical powers. For fuck's sake. Choose one, Maas. Don't be greedy. (hide spoiler)]
[image]
I originally warmed up to Calaena because of Maas's excellent portrayal of loss and depression. It's not resolved in a chapter or two; it's an underlining theme that affects the latter half of the book. I especially like that (view spoiler)[Calaena doesn't forgive Chaol right away. Nehemia dying wasn't his fault, but her anger and distrust is justified. (hide spoiler)]
I also liked Dorian's (view spoiler)[magic (hide spoiler)] subplot. It's one of the few things in Crown of Midnight that made me sit up, and partially why I think he'd be good with Calaena: ice and fire.
He's a way better love interest and friend. I don't care if it's planet-aligning true love, you don't sneak around with your best friend's ex-girlfriend. *cough*Chaol*cough* I especially like the part where Dorian sees them dancing and chooses to let her go. It was a sweet, poignant moment. And put me firmly on his side, even though I'm destined to lose.
Ah, well.
[image]
A Court of Thorns and Roses is amazing and I will definitely check out anything else Maas writes, but this series is a disappointing mess.
"You sound exactly like a textbook, do you know that?" he said. "It's amazing."
Took the words right out of my mouth. It's amazing The Sco1.5 stars
"You sound exactly like a textbook, do you know that?" he said. "It's amazing."
Took the words right out of my mouth. It's amazing The Scorpion Rules has managed to take an high-concept dystopian plot and mutilate it into bland, soulless mush. There's no spirit in this book. No soul, no spark.
[image]
It started awesome. Talis, the UN ambassador who ceased war in the Before, was narrating and the guy is charismatic as hell. He's snarky, morally dubious, and basically everything I want in an MC.
"All of a sudden there were whole populations under water. Which meant that whole populations moved. Borders strained, checkpoints broke, and of course people started shooting, because that’s what passes for problem-solving among humans. See, guys, this is why you can’t have nice things.
Then Self-Sacrificing Greta pokes her selfless nose in. It's so dull in her head. She speaks really formally, which I guess isn't her fault since she's royalty and a Child of Peace (hostage to ensure a country's good behavior), but it's also not my fault that I can't stand it.
Her actions are scarcely better. She follows the rules like a good girl and performs her duty as martyr when the time comes. (view spoiler)[She becomes an AI to save Elian and magically survives the transfer through the power of love. Lesbian love, but if it were a guy, we'd be sharpening our pitchforks. (hide spoiler)] Can you get any more Jesus? Give me your selfish heroines. Give me those who cackle evilly, who plot, who cheat, who fight and scratch.
Fuck it, just give me Talis. I promise I'll be good to him.
[image]
There are a lot of complex themes and moral issues presented with the subtlety of a shovel to the face. It's trying too hard. Reading The Scorpion Rules is like reading Victorian literature and God knows I do enough of that in college. I want to kick back, relax, let my brain unspool with complex themes and moral issues disguised as fun, readable literature. Because that's the sign of an awesome book. Make your readers think without them realizing they're thinking.
[image]
ARC provided by Netgalley. Quotes taken from an uncorrected galley proof and may be subject to change....more
"Archer is smart and funny in addition to being hot. Elodie [his girlfriend] is stupid and dull."
[image]
The second, the second, I read that line,
"Archer is smart and funny in addition to being hot. Elodie [his girlfriend] is stupid and dull."
[image]
The second, the second, I read that line, I logged into Goodreads to check which year it was published.
2010. Also known as YA's embarrassing puberty years. I tend to stay away from books published during that time since they're filled with unhealthy romantic relationships and girl-on-girl hate. YA now is like college you, all grown-up and cringing at the occasional photo of your tween self that pops up on Facebook.
Hex Hall is juvenile YA. The writing is a more inane version of Meg Cabot's style, filled with cutesy internal monologues and pop culture references. The plot is an typical mystery type without much punch.
And the girl hate. God, the girl hate.
"I turned and saw Chaston, Anna and Elodie walking toward me. They looked amazing in the fugly gym uniforms. Shocker."
[image]
Unlike Tina Fey's masterpiece, the girls don't make up and sing kumbaya. I thought it was heading that direction for a while and was sadly let down. (view spoiler)[Elodie turns out to be a power-hungry bitch after all. Yeah, sure, she passes Sophie her powers in the end. Cry me a river. (hide spoiler)]
In the acknowledgements, it surprisingly states Hex Hall is mostly about the power of women.
What power? The power to tear each other down?
"Even her essay for Lord Byron's class was about the way physical beauty enhanced a witch's power, supposedly because it gave her easier access to humans. It was ridiculous."
No, it's smart. Ethics aside, it's a damn good tactic.
The feminism in Hex Hall reminds me of this movie I watched recently: White Chicks. (I know, it's been out for over a decade, but I wasn't interested until I saw a gif of one of the protagonists telling the other to hold his poodle, so he can beat someone up). It's not devoid of female bonding—Sophie and Jenna's relationship was nicely done—but it relies on knocking down other women to build the home team up. In White Chicks, it's the fake Wilson sisters and their friends against the spoiled heiresses who are willing to sleep their way onto the catwalk. In Hex Hall, it's Sophie and Jenna against the witches' coven who are obsessed with power and their looks.
I'm sure you're all tired of me banging on about feminism, but it's something I unconsciously look for when I read. I weigh other factors too obviously—plot, pace, characters, the realistic aspect, etc, but gender equality is up there. If a book is awesome enough, I can overlook certain aspects, like Six of Crows's arguably archetypal ending (view spoiler)[of a hero needing to rescue his girl. (hide spoiler)]
"She appeared of average height. Actually, everything about her seemed average—her dark brown hair, pulled back from her face in a messy k
2.5 stars
"She appeared of average height. Actually, everything about her seemed average—her dark brown hair, pulled back from her face in a messy knot; her pale, roundish face; her average weight—definitely not one of those skinny girls I hated..."
I wish Oblivion had never been written. Then I wouldn't have experience the realization that I, unconditionally and irrevocably, wanted to plant my foot up his ass.
"She was attracted to me, even right now, when I'd backed her clear across the yard, and yet she was still attracted to me. And that kicked off something in me that I didn't want to look too closely at."
Is this the guy we fell for in Obsidian? This skinny-shaming, gets-off-on-fear creeper?
[image]
This book was intended for fans who couldn't get enough of Daemon Black. By 5% I'd had enough of him for a lifetime. It's so fucking long. And pointless.
We don't get any special insight into Daemon's life we didn't get from Katy's POV. If anything, it made me realize what a flat character he is. He exists solely to be the Male Love Interest. There's no rising action or climax or any resemblance of a plot in his version of Obsidian. Onyx was a little better because he was discovering the dark side of the DOD and information about his brother alongside Katy. Then Opal plunks us right back in the land of linear plot and Katy's satiny skin.
Ooh, in case you forget, Daemon reminds us over and over Katy has skin that feels like satin. And grey eyes. With full lashes, which she enjoys peeking beneath.
She also smells of peaches.
[image]
The Daemon Armentrout presented in the original series had a life other than Katy. He cared deeply about his sister, regrets the loss of his brother, tried to make things work with Ash. When Adam died and Dee was devastated, he barely gave them a chapter's worth of fucks. When Dawson comes back, we get the barest bones of a summary on how he tried to ease him out of his shell. Worries about Ash and the Elders? Maybe with a magnifying glass.
Look, if you're going to rewrite a series from another character's POV, give me something fresh. Don't make me sit through pages and pages of copy-and-paste conversation.
Obsidian would have been infinitely improved if we got to see Daemon slowly trusting and falling for Katy.
Instead we get this:
"Truth be told, I fell for her the first time she mouthed off at me. I just hadn't fully admitted it to myself."
[image]
Why are we still doing this, authors? Why are we still reinforcing the myth of no means yes? Why are we still creating romantic heroes who view rudeness as a challenge, when most guys would rather sit through a shitty movie than get up to find the remote?
Love is blind, Daemon. You were better off viewed from Katy's eyes....more
Pitchers, approach your mounds. Annnnnd play ball!
He wasn't the smartest earthman there was, no
DNF at 7%
Sheldon, why don't you start us off?
[image]
Pitchers, approach your mounds. Annnnnd play ball!
He wasn't the smartest earthman there was, nor the strongest, nor the best leader the planet had to offer... And though he would arguably become one of the greatest heroes this universe has ever known, he did not start out that way.
[image]
I hate the Lego Movie. I hate its cliche Chosen One plot. I hate its barely hidden consumerism message. I hate the reason Wild Style ended up with Emmet is because he's the hero and she's the fucking trophy.
If you're going to do the Chosen One plot, hide it a little better, is all I'm asking. We didn't find out Harry Potter's prophecy until book 5. Earthman Jack's special status is presented with all the subtlety of Brussels sprouts on a white plate. Mash it up and hide it in a pie.
Strike one!
Batter up!
"A normal guy would have taken the hint and moved on by now. But Jack felt in his gut that there was something there, some connection between Anna and him, almost like they were destined to be together."
It's so nice to see middle-grade books promoting stalking. Molding the minds of the Christian Grays of tomorrow.
[image]
Later, Anna gets harassed by a dumb jock and Jack swoops in and saves the day. Because rape culture in real life isn't enough, we have to shove it down the throats of kids, too.
Strike two!
This fucking passage:
"First off, there was his best friend Matt Nolan, who'd been Jack's partner in crime since the two of them got into a fight over who got to play with the Mighty Morphing Robot Ninja in first grade. Matt's mom was white, and his dad was black, but on the color scale, Matt tended to skew on the lighter end—a fact that really annoyed him..."
WHY. Why do we need to know this shit? I'm too lazy to quote the entire thing, but he goes on to describe Matt's attire and does the same thing to his entire social circle.
[image]
This book doesn't need to be 600+ pages. Unnecessary descriptions like this should've been shaved off.
Strike three! And you're out!
I'm not putting up with this crap for 600+ pages. I have a life—and better books.
"Maybe he wasn't in this class after all! But he had to be. At least that's what it said when she steamed open his pre-registration envelope."
[ima
"Maybe he wasn't in this class after all! But he had to be. At least that's what it said when she steamed open his pre-registration envelope."
[image]
You all know me to be a pretty chill person, right? I mean, I don't freak out or go off on long tangents...
[image]
[image]
[image]
Okay, fine, maybe I do, but it's all for a good reason. Those books pissed me off, whether it's plot, characters, piss-poor writing... Ghostgirl has at least two down and I wasn't overly impressed with the plot either.
Meet Charlotte, our fabulous main character:
"Her whole reason for self-improvement, diet, exercise, blah, blah--everything--was Damen."
Pulling out teeth would be less painful than listen to her blabber. All she wants is to be popular and get Golden Boy and she's not about to let a little thing called death stop her. In fact, she'll twist it to her advantage!
"She planned to turn her greatest disadvantage--being dead--into a positive and use it to get closer to Damen. If he couldn't actually see her, he couldn't object to her invading his personal space."
But wait! Charlotte is also a steadfast feminist:
"Charlotte had always been conflicted about cheerleading, the basic idea to validate male egos by doing stupid jumps and silly routines, all with pom-poms and a ton of makeup on. But she wanted to be ogled too. She wanted to be eye candy."
[image]
In love with her yet? Ready to cheer her on as she blunders through the Afterlife? Well, maybe the wide range of side characters will catch your fancy:
Scarlet, the emo, goth character
"You can expect these type of outbursts from the calorie-challenged."
She cuts for no good reason and doesn't freak out when she sees Charlotte because, you know, death is the center of goth culture. So she agrees lickity-split to let Charlotte possess her body, so she can hang out ghosts and learn her culture.
[image]
Petula, the preppy, bitch cheerleader
"You can't ban me from the dance! I AM THE DANCE!" Petula screamed.
[image]
Isn't she chock-full of personality?
And if that isn't enough, the writing:
"You didn't expect me to wait, like, forever, did you?" Petula said selfishly.
"I know you think you're meant to go to the dance," Prue said antagonistically.
[image]
The plot/premise takes a stupendous suspension of disbelief, an effort I don't give a shit enough to make. Dead kids have to take classes to learn how to be a ghost and move on and for plot reasons, it takes place in an occupied school building. No kidding, they have lunch break with living students, who obviously can't see them, and eat food served by ghostly cafeteria ladies.
[image]
Even in my wildest dreams, I can't make up something this ludicrous. ...more
Welcome to a new YA series that reimagines classic Disney stories in surprising new ways.
[image]
I deleted my pre-review so you can't see,1.5 stars
Welcome to a new YA series that reimagines classic Disney stories in surprising new ways.
[image]
I deleted my pre-review so you can't see, but I was super excited for A Whole New World. I put a gif with Aladdin throwing money and everything. I was ready to love it.
And it crushed that hope. Crushed it like Beyonce crushed at the VMAs.
[image]
Right up to 20%, practically one-fifth of the book, it was a near play-by-play replica of the Disney movie. Was this supposed to be an ad for the Disney movie? Because you don't need to sell me that shit. I watched it every day for an entire week when I borrowed the video cassette (90s, man) from the library. Aside from a few details like Aladdin's mom making a brief one-chapter appearance, it doesn't even attempt to differentiate itself from the source material. It shovels extra scenes in too, like Jafar throwing a very familiar parade after he becomes sultan.
The plot is nothing to write home about. It was juvenile and typical and foreshadows with the finesse of a hippo ballerina. For instance, it hints at an eventual betrayal by turning that character shifty and inspiring internal monologues: What's up with him? Why is he acting different? I'm sure it's nothing.
Fucking please. Give your readers some credit.
Juvenile is actually the best word to describe this book. The characters are sad two-dimensional paper dolls no different than their movie counterparts. Aladdin never experiences any hesitation in his goal to rescue Jasmine, even when normal human instinct is to run as damn far as you can in the opposite direction. He is a hero, dammit, and he must never not be heroic.
[image]
Genie is cheerfully snarky and uses references that shouldn't exist during that era, which really irritated me because a) it's a fantasy and modern slang should never appear and b) pay some respect to the culture that inspired it. Do some research. Aladdin was released when the public wasn't as conscious about this kind of thing. There's absolutely no excuse for it now.
And it never fails to remind us that Jafar is evil, yo. Every scene he's in, he's using an oily voice. The tower where he lives is encased in an "evil orange glow". When he laughs, "not evilly" has to be added because he obviously does it so often.
[image]
Jafar is the most squandered character in A Whole New World. So much more could have been done with him, to flesh him into a fully believable villain or even antihero. I would love if the whole thing was told from his point of view. We get glimpses of his backstory and thought process, which only proves that he's wasted potential. I still get a little shiver down my spine when I recall that scene where he's practicing dark magic in his evil lair and "talking" to Iago.
But the book decides to go the "crazy villain" route. He's evil because he's nuts. Thank you for fucking up Arabian culture and mental illness perceptions. An ambitious villain is someone I can understand. A crazy villain is cartoonish and cheap.
I mean, honestly. Just look at the stuff they say:
"And evil keeps going around," Aladdin swore angrily, storming out. "There's another way. You don't have to choose this life. You could be something more."
I can just hear an Alan Menken piece in the background. Most books abide by the same moral code, alright? I'm not mad at that. Prodigy or Champion, I don't remember which, has a similar scene where June is rebuking Thomas for being a dick and then compares him to Day, who suffered under pretty similar conditions, but "chose to walk in the light." Same sentiment, different words. (The writing is as nuanced as a crayon drawing, by the way)
But when you combine the good-and-right moral code with everything that's going on, it reinforces its lack of depth. So when Aladdin spits out a line like that, making sure there's an "angrily" there in case I'm too stupid to understand he's pissed, it's laughable. It's childish. It's cheesy.
[image]
We get a bit of grey morality with Rasoul, but that's it. The revolution goes off without a hitch and everyone who isn't Jafar lives happily ever after. The characters never struggled. It just felt like they were going through the motions. I never felt fear for them.
Extra 0.5 star goes to Jasmine gaining a bigger role as the revolution's leader, and the unexpectedly good twist on Jafar's final wish. Didn't see it coming and I give credit where it's due.
Everything else is blech. Just watch the Disney movie. It has catchy tunes and Robin Williams.
"He smiles out at the ugly trees and the ugly farmland and the ugly kids as if he can see Oz. As if he can really, truly see the beauty th
2.5 stars
"He smiles out at the ugly trees and the ugly farmland and the ugly kids as if he can see Oz. As if he can really, truly see the beauty that's there. In that moment I wish I could see it through his eyes. I wish he had glasses to give me."
Can someone give me their glasses too, because I can't see it. I don't see the appeal. I don't see what inspired thousands of reviewers to post sobbing gifs, and those that disliked The Fault in Our Stars to tote it as amazeballs when it's the exact same thing.
[image]
(Heads up, I don't like The Fault In Our Stars or Paper Towns)
I'll tell you what I do see:
-Two overly quirky teenagers
-Finch's borderline creepy obsession with Violet in the beginning. He practically stalks the poor girl, even though she's made it abundantly clear she's not interested. If this were a 2010s Paranormal Romance, we would be hitting the hooch and grabbing a pitchfork.
-Cheap use of Virginia Woolf. She's like the patron saint of emo literary kids. You know, the kind that hangs out on Tumblr and reblogs deep, poetic lines over a blurred, black-and-white image. She is a famous dead writer (literary!), she committed suicide (torment!) but no one knows why (mystery!)
-Insane The Fault In Our Stars overlap. Instead of cancer, it's mental illness. Instead of Gus helping Hazel to live life to the fullest, it's Finch. (view spoiler)[They close in the exact same way. Gus writes Hazel a letter, which she received in an unusual way, and Finch writes Violet a song, which she went through a treasure hunt to get. Both end with them contemplating their lives are forever changed. (hide spoiler)]
They're both filled with obscure trivia and have their characters quote literature to demonstrate how clever they are.
[image]
-The obvious plot twist
-Romanticizing bipolar disorder. Black Iris does such a beautiful job of capturing the glorious highs and self-crushing lows of this condition. All The Bright Places airbrushes it, then put it in a bikini. Most of the novel is Finch's high, the rainbow-tinged happy phase. When he crashes, the episodes are still seen through a gothic filter, making it pretty and cool instead of dark and ugly.
In Black Iris, the protagonist's mother destroys her marriage and family as a result of her disorder. You can argue Finch's life isn't great, but his mom and sister don't ever see Finch but great. They love him to pieces. His condition isn't the obstacle it is in reality.
There are other ways to show his lows. Have him snap at Violet or turn mean. The whole book is centered around his love for her. It'd make more of an impact if his condition affected their relationship—more than it currently does.
-Manic Fucking Pixie Dream Boy. The Fault In Our Stars has that too and All The Bright Places follows the formula to the letter. Finch's entire character arc is about helping Violet. (view spoiler)[We don't get his POV during the most crucial moments, when he's slipping away or committing suicide. It's all about Violet, how Violet reacts, how Violet grieves, how Violet decides to move on after Finch reaches from the grave to help her one last time. (hide spoiler)]
I read the acknowledgements, where the author say she was partially inspired to write All The Bright Places because she was close to someone who committed suicide. And it draws an untouchable circle around them.
Maybe that's what Violet's story is supposed to be, but Finch didn't have to be bipolar for it to function. No, it's there to add a element of quirkiness, make Finch "unlike other guys."
"Farley scoffs. 'You want me to pin my entire operation, the entire revolution, on some teenaged love story? I can't believe this.'"
Me ne2.5 stars
"Farley scoffs. 'You want me to pin my entire operation, the entire revolution, on some teenaged love story? I can't believe this.'"
Me neither, Farley. Me neither.
[image]
I've seen a lot of people comparing this to Red Rising, which is like the biggest insult ever. Red Rising is a thoughtful portrayal of Marxism in a sci-fic dystopian environment, combined with Greek/Roman mythology references, warfare strategy, and non-stop action scenes. Red Queen is a confusing dystopian fantasy (seriously, what the fuck is it? Alternate history? A leftover Marvel universe?) with high school politics.
Mare is the specialest, special snowflake in the world. Society is divided between Reds and Silvers, the former being slaves and the latter are aristocracy with superpowers. Mare is a Red with the superpower of a Silver. And not just any superpower. The power to create lighting out of nothing, making her the crème de la crème of Silvers.
"Something flickers in his eyes as he hesitates, trying to find the words to tell me I'm different. Even among Silvers, I'm something else."
No one, no one, can create an element out of nothing like our special little Mare. Even the princes, Cal and Maven, have to wear bracelets made of spark rock to activate their fire powers. What can't Mare have something like that? Why not make her have to moonwalk on a carpet to generate static electricity before she can summon her lighting powers? Why does she have to be so goddamn special!?
[image]
I can usually overlook special snowflakes if other elements make up for it. Darrow got his ass handed to him so many times in the latter half of Red Rising, it pretty much erased his privileged status. Percy Jackson and Harry Potter had likable personalities. Mare is insufferable.
Too often, she's defiant to the point of stupidity. She talks back to royalty. She insults Maven to his face. She refuses to kneel even when it could cost her life.
"I should kneel, but my pride won't let me. Even here, in front of Silvers, in front of the king, my knees do not bend."
I think we're supposed to admire her, the spirited filly she is, for demonstrating steel in the face of danger, but come on. Her head should've been severed from her neck from day one. It's very hard for me to buy this is a dangerous world when the protagonist goes around, mouthing off anytime she pleases.
You know what I'd do? I'd smile, praise them to the gods, then stick a knife when their backs are turned before skipping out, bags of gold in hand.
[image]
Mare's a whiner, too. What do mean I can summon lighting bolts from thin air? What do you mean I have to marry a cute prince? What do you mean I get to sleep on silk sheets and go to bed with a full stomach while my family members are probably starving?
I am so over the I'm-a-freak trope. Mare's life is extensively better than without her ability and for a few smiles and false praise, she can trade in a life of contentment and security for herself and her family. Sure, she's betraying her kind, but she can do so much more for Reds from the inside. She's already spying on them for the Scarlet Guard, why not take it a step further and convince Cal to sneak food parcels to villages since he likes dressing up as a street rat anyway.
[image]
There's a multiple-choice list of love interests I don't want to discuss in depth because it's all the same. Basically, a) Kilorn, her Red best friend; b) Cal, the forbidden dangerous Silver prince; c) Maven, no one's first choice.
The writing's decent, if a bit made-for-television. Victoria Aveyard's a screenwriter, and it shows. The descriptions, like Mare calling lighting like a lightening rod, have a cinematic effects feel. Red Queen would definitely make for a pretty picture.
That, and the plot twist in the end saved it from being a lonely one-star, but scarce makes up for its run-of-the-mill dystopian-romance plot and excess of YA tropes. In a word: pedestrian. ...more
I'm sorry, Raven Boys. Truly, I am. This is obviously a case of "it's not you, it's me".
[image]
You had so much going for you. Glowing recommendations I'm sorry, Raven Boys. Truly, I am. This is obviously a case of "it's not you, it's me".
[image]
You had so much going for you. Glowing recommendations from trusted reviewers, a unique plot with minimum focus on if-I-kiss-my-true-love-he'll-kick-it angst, zero slut-shaming or other problematic issues common in YA.
But you were in the wrong hands.
Julie Kagawa would've made me commit to a Raven Boy (Gansey, Adam, Ronan, and Noah) instead of merely feeling lackluster interest. Wisecracks would've been flying out of the Thunderdome.
Marie Lu would've solved the pacing issue lickity-split and have me reading well into night, heart pounding in anticipation. What's going to happen next? Will Gansey find the ley line (an invisible path of energy) and the Welsh version of sleeping King Arthur? Will they kiss?
[image]
Leah Raeder would've pricked her finger and bled rainbow over your pages, turning your dull, wishy-washy prose into gold. Lyrical without the purple.
Alas, you were ruined by dreamy Laini Taylor prose. Its timeless quality makes you feel like you've been reading it forever. And ever. And ever.
The big plot twist felt about as climatic as opening a can of tuna. There's no sense of urgency, no reason to keep me turning pages. (view spoiler)[Even the police investigation into Ronan's death feels like an afterthought. (hide spoiler)] I was more than halfway through before finally finding out why Gansey's looking for an ancient Welsh king.
As for the kiss-and-die plot point, perhaps I'm getting old, but I can think of loads of other things to do other than kiss.
[image]
Kiss through a mask! Make like Eskimos and rub noses! There are so many loopholes to this rule, it seems pointless.
Consider this our official break-up. I suffered through Lament: The Faerie Queen's Deception, I earned a permanent hand-shaped mark on my forehead through Shiver, I lowered my barriers for Raven Boys and got literary insomnia pills in return.
Please welcome to the stage Avril Lavigne, who will be regaling us with "Too Much To Ask".
[image]
It's the first time I ever felt this lonely Looking atPlease welcome to the stage Avril Lavigne, who will be regaling us with "Too Much To Ask".
[image]
It's the first time I ever felt this lonely Looking at the slew of five-stars It's funny you thought diversity was going to save you LGBT Mexicans, you're so lame I thought you were cool until the point Up until the point you got all literary When you really shouldn't I finally figured out you're all the same Always choosing symbolism 'stead of a good old story
Every time you try to make me smile I'm disgusted with Ari feeling sorry for himself Every time you try to make me laugh You can't Your jokes are too lame You think teens talk like grade-schoolers Is that too much that I'm asking for?
I thought you'd come around when Ari saved Dante It was the most exciting thing to happen in a hundred pages But then Dante gave Aristotle a bath 'Cause apparently that's the thing fifteen-year-olds do to each other
Can't you see that you lie to yourself? Teens aren't pretentious John Green clones Dante is a total maniac pixie dream boy 'Cause he, he's just there for Ari
But every time you try to make me smile It feels like a Creative Writing 101 formula Every time you try to make me laugh I stand like a stone Alone in my boredom Is it too much that I'm asking for?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah Can't find the will to care For characters Too flat and quirky Afraid of longer chapters Or edging into commercial God forbid
Can't you see that you lie to yourself? No teen calls people "jerk" anymore It'll be too late when the smoke clears 'Cause your dreams, dreams are too gag-symbolic
Every time you try to make me smile I'm too busy thinking of wasted potential Every time you try to make me laugh I can't I've read so much better Without the bitter preachy aftertaste It was too much that I'm asking for
"Mark jumped to his feet, pulling Alec's arm. The entire area around them shook as it rose, and it took all of Mark's effort not to fall
DNF at 47%
"Mark jumped to his feet, pulling Alec's arm. The entire area around them shook as it rose, and it took all of Mark's effort not to fall again. He knew that what was happening had to be impossible, and it made him wonder about his mental state."
I know that scene is supposed to have me at the edge of my seat, but the only thing I can think of right now is the lack of cheese sticks in my house, and that makes me wonder about my mental state.
[image]
After the fuckfest of The Death Cure, I wasn't sure I wanted to finish The Kill Order. I'd actually started this before The Scorch Trials (and experienced the heart-wrenching downward spiral of a promising series) because in a derp moment, I'd mistaken it for the second book. But then, I thought maybe it could shed some light on the crappy world-building. I wanted to find out about the Sun Flares and how the civilization ended. Plus, I'd already started it, so what the hell. How bad could it be?
[image]
Apparently, very bad.
I expected the apocalypse. I expected scenes of the climate growing hotter and hotter by day and baffled weatherman advising people to always wear sunscreen outdoors. I expected scientists running around like headless chickens trying to figure out the problem, while sweating world leaders tried to calm the masses. I expected the inevitable spark to the keg of hysteria, with all hell breaking loose, and people breaking store windows for supplies, acquiring guns to protect said supplies and fleeing to forests where there's more natural shade. I expected a grand mess in the footsteps of the The Stand, or on a smaller scale: The Mist.
Instead, I get thrown in a world a year after all the excitement has happened.
"We survive months of the sun beating the tar out of the planet, find a place where we can build shelter, find food."
Where is the chaos, I ask you? The murder, the plundering? Where are the religious nuts, like Carrie's mom, that come out and say, "I told you so! Now repent for your sins!" Where are the groups of wild-eyed people in week-old clothes fighting for diapers and tampons? If it were the end of the world, I'd gladly trade my iPhone for a maxi pad.
[image]
No proper world-building, no excitement. And I do mean no excitement. We're talking watching-the-paint-dry levels here. Even when the characters were running for their lives, I couldn't work up a speck of emotion to care. The main characters, Mark and Trina, were really bland, like the characters whose names I have already forgotten in The Geography of You and Me. At least I was emotionally invested in Thomas, no matter how much I hated him in the aftermath. Mark and Trina, on the other hand, I care no more for them than I do about the hundreds of tinted food pictures my elementary school acquaintances post on Facebook.
[image]
Oh, wait, I do care about Trina a bit. I care that she, like Teresa and Brenda, are perfect, unblemished specimens of the female sex.
"Man, she was pretty...She turned a page, her green eyes following the words...Her short blonde hair shifted in the wind, and she appeared the very definition of peace and comfort."
Why does every love interest have to be hot? Why can't she have a big nose, or be overweight, or have a weirdly-shaped hairline? I don't like this trend in male love interests in YA and I certainly don't condone the opposite, especially since girls are often objectified in manga and comics. No matter what way you argue it, I highly doubt Wonder Woman wants to fight crime in a cleavage-baring bustier.
[image] Or heels.
Now I can finally rest in peace, knowing The Maze Runner series is genuinely a one-book wonder. Bland characters, shitty world-building, mediocre writing. Might see the movie, if only for Dylan O'Brien, but other than that, me and this series are done.
Last time, I taught you how to write a Paranormal Romance. This time around, I'm going to show you how to write your very own Dystopian!
[image]
Just fLast time, I taught you how to write a Paranormal Romance. This time around, I'm going to show you how to write your very own Dystopian!
[image]
Just follow this easy how-to guide and you too can be on the bestseller's list in no time.
Step 1: Creating your world
Everyone knows the key to writing a good dystopian is to make your futuristic world as bleak and destroyed as the one in the picture above! So make sure you throw every disaster possible at your pre-dystopian planet. Earthquakes! Floods! World War V! Meteoroid strike! Large-scale Chernobyl 2.0! Never-ending winter and polluted seas!
"They'd moved after the Flood."
"The toxic sea never froze, but seethed with poison...the waves dancing on occasion with slim wisps of fire."
Just remember to keep at least one city standing. You can't have your protagonists foraging naked in the ragged foliage like an animal! Besides, this will show your readers how resistant the human race is. Even in times of crisis, they can still drink and gamble their houses away in a casino.
[image]
A world map is optional. But if you do plan on going the extra mile, combine continents and cultures. With the world so messy all those years ago, it would have perfect sense for countries to annex others to increase their land and population. Cheongsam can be a traditional Korean outfit, and burritos can be a staple food in North America. Keep details as vague as possible. You don't want to overload your readers with information!
And if you really want to get creative with your world-building, toss in some magic. Science-fiction is just one small step from fantasy after all! Put in people with superpowers, zombies, or dragons. But don't call them zombies and dragons. Boring! Give them unique names like 'drakons' and relabel zombies as 'thrillers'. Long live the King of Pop, even in a far-off future with little to no technology.
It's also a good idea to have one of your characters remark on the pop culture reference in case your readers don't get it. Remember, we want to make things as easy as possible for them!
[image]
Step 2: Installing an oppressive government
It's not a dystopian if there isn't a dictatorship government ruling over the ruins of civilization with an iron fist. Make sure to tellyour readers how bad they are through random acts of violence and arbitrary rules, such as curfews. It will create much-needed tension and make it doubly dangerous for your protagonists to go out at night to do rebellious things.
In fact, doesn't China, a modern-day totalitarian country, have curfews?
[image]
I'm almost completely, slightly, mildly sure they do! Who has time for fact-checking? Just hit up a couple social media sites for verification and you're good. Historical accuracy will add authenticity to your novel's scientific background. And if those naysayers say otherwise, point out it's a work of fiction. Everything is up for grabs!
Step 3: Creating your protagonist/rebel
There has to someone brave enough to fight against all that icky oppression and that special someone is your protagonist! S/he doesn't have to be a part of the rebellion at first, but it is essential that she has a special talent that separates her from the rest of the whipped, mindless masses. Oh no, your MC is meant for greater things. To demonstrate this, make her handy with a sword, talented at cracking codes, or give her unexplained powers that can do anything! It will cause intrigue and add to your MC's specialness.
[image]
Better yet, ensure her special talent causes unwarranted hate and ensures the government wants to capture/kill her at all costs. Keep the stakes high, and the tension higher!
"The voice in her head was the reason her eyes were not brown or gray. Her clear tiger eyes—hazel-green with golden pupils—told the world she carried a mark on her skin, one she kept hidden, one that was shaped like a flame and hurt like a burn right above her heart."
"She's not marked, is she?" Zedric asked. "You know we don't mess with ice trash."
"People like her, hunted and killed."
Her innate talents will make her look 'kickass' and that's all the rage these days. Bella is out, Katniss is in. And you don't want to break from the trend, do you? Of course not! Have her throw a few punches, but still have the sensitivity to blush when the love interest(s) is around. God forbid you forget the earth-moving, spine-tingling romance! (see Step 4 for details)
Bonus points if the government's stigma spreads to the public as well! This will provide an excellent opportunity for angst, and for the love interest(s) to reassure her that she isn't a monster and that her powers makes her special. Your readers will weep puddles for how noble your protagonist is for suffering this injustice day in and day out.
Step 4: Adding a non-government-sanctioned romance
Twilight sold millions and millions of copies and you too can find a way to work that to your advantage! Instead of having your protagonist fall for a vampire/angel/werewolf/Chewbacca, have her fall for someone that she is forbidden to love because of evil administrative reasons.
"She's not marked, is she?" Zedric asked. "You know we don't mess with ice trash."
"He smiled and she smiled back, and for a moment they were just an ordinary boy and girl in a car, neither runner and client, or mercenary and thief, and Nat saw a glimpse of how normal things could be."
[image] But Daddy, I love food!
Forbidden love is hot, hot, hot, writers! And you certainly can't write a YA without romance. It's absolutely absurd! Girls these days all want boyfriends, while fretting about the valuables in between their legs. The Bechdel Test is only a myth created by bitter old spinsters who hate men. Feminism = misandry. Everyone knows that!
Step 5: Absentee parents/guardians
This step is essential in Paranormal Romances and Dystopians! Your protagonists can't run off to do rebellious things if her parents are around to apply discipline! Have them be brutally murdered by the government (The injustice!!!) or be utterly scatterbrained. This will demonstrate how cruel the government is, and inform your readers how kind and patient your protagonist is to take such good care of their mentally ill parent.
And that's it; you've penned a bestseller! Don't forget to leave your book on an open note. Rome wasn't built in a day, and a government can't be brought down in 300+ pages. Buy a big bag to hold the money in, and start writing the doorstopper second book! Trilogies are in, and we all have to...
'Follow the trend!'
There you go!
Warning: Accuracy of said tips may be in negative figures depending on the alignment of the planets, spots on a ladybird, and the existence of a Justin Bieber shirtless picture on any given day. Natalie Monroe is not responsible for any negative side effects the above tips may bring. Known effects may include violent head-to-wall action, excessive eyerolling, and brain aneurysms. Batteries not included.
You never forget your first... Meg Cabot was the author that popped my YA cherry.
[image]
There I was, an impressionable 14-year-old (late bloo1.5 stars
You never forget your first... Meg Cabot was the author that popped my YA cherry.
[image]
There I was, an impressionable 14-year-old (late bloomer, I know) with a perchance for horror, then I discovered The Princess Diaries sitting on a library shelf. The rest is history.
Even now that I'm older and can see all the flaws her books have (i.e popular mean girl, arguably recyclable MC, and that trainwreck Abandon. Why did you have to jump on the PR bandwagon, Meg, why!?), they'll always have a special place in my heart.
[image]
So when a book comes along, claiming to follow in the footsteps of one of my favorite authors and endorsed by another one of my literary gods, Julie Kagawa...
"Fans of Meg Cabot will find Marni's voice equally charming and endearing." --Julie Kagawa, New York Times bestselling author
From Netgalley page and on cover of Awkwardly Ever After
...I tend to have expectations. And Awkwardly Ever After failed to meet them. Spectacularly.
[image]
The best way I can describe this is discount Meg Cabot. It partially follows Cabot's writing style (that's the 0.5 star), but lacks the spark that makes her works so relatable and endearing.
For one, there's so much telling. In the first story, centering around Melanie who's crushing on Dylan, her BFF's little brother, she tells me right in the first line that she's in love with him, followed by a whole lot of angsty monologue. And more. And more.
[image]
By the 10% mark, I'd already been informed four times that Melanie lurrrves Dylan without him showing up once. That, to me, is poor foresight on the author's part. If you let Dylan show up and have the heroine blush and act awkward around him, then it would provide the same use as the onslaught of internal monologue.
As a direct result, I can never pinpoint why she likes him. Is it because he makes her laugh? The rock-hard abs? The faux forbidden element of being in love with your BFF's little brother, which by the way is as weak as China's structures? If I saw some of their interactions sooner, I can sympathize more instead of being like:
[image]
The plot, or conflict, is as foreboding as a breeze. There is no evidence to suggest that Mackenzie, her BFF, would be upset with her dating her little brother. Oh, sure, Mel tells us, just like she tells and explains every little action she does because apparently, we are as dumb as rocks.
"I thought that all it would take was a little confirmation that, yes, I could be that bitchy and rude. Usually, I tried to keep that side of me from showing, but when provoked... well, let's just say I have a tendency to be a little on the defensive side. Maybe some of that comes from years spent bracing myself for a comment about my dad."
Yes, thank you for telling me you're not a bitch. That's so reassuring.
[image]
Anyways, back to the woe-is-me drama. In Harry Potter, we see evidence that Harry would be in hot water if he asked Ginny out. Ron has freaked out over each and every one of Ginny's boyfriends, so Harry's dilemma is plausible. But in this case, we don't see that. Mel simply comes up with a bullshit Girl Code she pulled from her ass, saying how wrong it is to date Dylan.
And here I always thought the Girl Code only applied to ex-boyfriends.
[image]
But wait, that's not the only reason! Mel thinks she shouldn't date Dylan because she's not good for him.
Her noble reason: Alcoholic dad.
"I didn't feel I had the right to be anywhere near him... I'm not good enough for him. And it was only a matter of time before he realized it too."
[image]
Yeah, I'm going to call bullshit on that. Let the fucking boy decide on his own! When Mia from the Princess Diaries fell in live with her best friend's brother, she didn't shy away or play hot and cold games with him like Mel does, she actively made plans to get him to notice her. Realistic ones too, like writing secret admirer notes, instead of that ridiculous crap they pull in YA contemporaries these days like using The Art of War to get a boyfriend back or amnesia revenge plans. I get that she's being selfless (I'm so fucking over that trait), but either grow a backbone or stop messing with Dylan's head.
[image]
And its depiction of an alcoholic dad is just juvenile. Where's the scene of him lying in a pool of his own vomit? Or forgetting his keys in the middle of the night, drunk? The fear of him showing up at any school events because he's sure to be wasted?
I counted. The number of times Mel's dad actually shows up in the narrative in his supposedly drunken glory? One. As opposed to the numerous times Mel tells me her life sux and she's so embarrassed by by a deadbeat who stays at home and drinks all day.
[image]
Give your audience some credit. This is Y-fucking-A, not middle-grade kiddie lit. Actually that would be an insult to middle-grade. Percy Jackson does a damn better job of portraying an abusive dad than this does an alcoholic. It's a serious subject and this book slaps a fucking rainbow over it and calls it contemporary and realistic.
[image]
I don't have much to say about the next two stories because I was just skimming after the choking unicorn poop of the first story, but judging from this conversation:
"I'm still getting to know you, so... I want us to be friends who also make out."
[...]
Spencer (love interest): "You want to be my girlfriend."
[image] Yeah, that's not the conclusion I would've reached.
It's just as juvenile and cliche as the rest. I love YA, but I also want real teenagers, not High School Musical carbon copies.
Have a nice picket-fence life with sex only used for reproduction.
This is why I usually don't read indie books. There are some great ones out there, like Nenia Campbell's Fearscape, and heaven knows traditional publiThis is why I usually don't read indie books. There are some great ones out there, like Nenia Campbell's Fearscape, and heaven knows traditional publishing houses push out some horrible books every now and then, but at least I won't find missing commas or capitalization mistakes inside. And that's only the tip of what's wrong with this book.
[image]
Once Upon a Changeling is an insult to all fey books out there. I want to fall down on my knees and kiss Julie Kagawa's feet because that woman clearly did research. She would not have a faerie fix cars or lift weights.
Puck was a faerie. Awesome. "That's how you can lift weights so easily?" She nodded. "And how I fixed your car."
Riddle me this; what are weights made up of? What are cars made out of? Then answer me this; what are the fey most afraid of?
[image]
They hate iron. Fey are vulnerable to iron. It's the most basic stone of fey mythology and this book completely neglects that.
Then, it has the audacity to name a faerie character Puck, but that person isn't Robin Goodfellow from A Midsummer Night's Dream. I'm not saying you can't name your characters whatever you want, but if you're writing a book based on the fey, I'd automatically assume Puck would be the gorgeous iconic red-headed Seelie jester, not a seventeen-year-old punk chick with piercings. Piercings, I tell you. My God...
[image]
Supposedly death-inducing piercings aside,the Puck in this story absolutely fails at being a faerie.
[Main character, Russ]: "I think you're the most beautiful girl ever. I really like you. I wanted to ask you on a date, but you got drunk. [Puck] grinned, and it lit up her face. "You want to ask me out? Really? Because I would say yes. Because you're brave, and exciting, and you do things for noble reasons, and I've never met anyone like you."
To quote Ron Weasley, are you a faerie or not? This sounds like a tween girl being asked out on her first date, not an immortal faerie who could snap a human in half without even breaking a sweat. I don't give a crap that she's seventeen in human years. She was still raised by fey parents whom, I presume, are more competent than their daughter at being fey. Where are the manipulative lies? Where is their ruthless dark nature? What have you done to the name of my beloved Puck?!
[image]
The romance isn't much better either and borders on insta-love. The main character, Russ, first sees Puck in a parking lot and this is his reaction:
She was one of those punk chicks, but she was attractive in a weird way. Except for two thick strands of blue hair framing her face, her head was shaved. Usually, I thought haircuts like that made girls look masculine and ugly, but she looked...delicate. Rings and piercings covered her face, but I kind of liked the tiny diamond stud in her nose.
First off, Russ, fuck you. Punk girls can look hot too. So can butch girls.
[image]
Russ rapidly falls in love with Puck soon afterwards, even though we never see any plausible reason for why he does so, and vice versa. Must be because she looks so feminine, yet can pull the butch look at the same time. I mean, the mythology already contradicts itself, why not the romance either?
I liked her voice. It was breathy and girly, but it still somehow sounded tough.
I will pay whoever can make this voice ten bucks. Seriously, I tried, but I can't do it.
Russ is also as dumb as Nora Grey when it comes to research and figuring stuff out.
Pop quiz: When you find out that your baby is actually a changeling and you want to get the real baby back, do you:
A) Google it B) Go to the library C) Waste time by running to bars where unfriendly blood-sucking fey lurk in hopes that they might have the answer
If you answered A) or B), then congratulations! You are certifiably smarter than the characters in this book!
And that's not all. They have to figure out who the baby's real dad is because Russ's girlfriend Cindi slept around a lot and only the real dad can get rid of the changeling. So what do these geniuses do? They hack into Cindi's email account because golly gosh, that's what all the kids are using these days to communicate, right?
What do you mean they text?
[image]
And I figured out who the real dad was ages ago. There's this little thing called over-hinting.
[image]
Execution-wise, the writing is stilted and choppy. Maybe some people like sentences delivered in sharp bursts, but this only managed to irk me even more.
One of his eyes looked as if someone had tried to put it out. The iries was a milky blue. There was no pupil. I swallowed.
I liked her voice. It was breathy and girly, but it still somehow sounded tough. But I had to watch myself. Couldn't actually be really attracted to this girl. Girls were trouble. Nothing but trouble.
[image] Funny, I was going to say the same about you.
Let's not forget the constant telling of how he's feeling, instead of showing us:
I was grateful.
I was astonished.
I was angry.
I was pissed.
[image]
To round things off, there's also info-dump cleverly disguised as dialogue!
"Everything started at the prom last night." I rubbed my face with my hand. "Or that's not really true. It started way before that. It started when I met Cindi. Sophomore year. Journalism class. I was a first year student—because freshmen aren't allowed to work on the newspaper—and so was Cindi. She'd taken the class because she needed an elective. I'd taken it because I liked to write. We didn't have much in common, honestly. But Cindi was the girls' volleyball team, and girls who played sports were socially acceptable dating material for guys on the basketball team. We had friends in common. And she was beautiful.
This entire block of backstory aside, why are you telling me the reason they joined the Journalism class? It doesn't make an impact on the story or their personality. Frankly, it would run smoother and sound less like a narrative if it'd been edited out.
And this gem right here?
But Cindi was the girls' volleyball team, and girls who played sports were socially acceptable dating material for guys on the basketball team.
[image] Someone is obviously a High School musical fan.
Cindi is the only interesting character in this mess. I actually wanted for the book to delve deeper into her character and why she sleeps with all those other guys instead of her boyfriend. Unfortunately, her actions are casually passed off as slutty and she is branded as a lunatic for trying to kill her baby, which turned out to be a changeling, in order to get her real baby back. Sluts don't get thank-yous, even though she was the first one to figure out something was up with that baby.
[image]
If you want a well-researched fey book with wonderful world-building and three-dimensional characters, go read The Iron King. Because this one burns like iron should.
[image]
Thank you Curiosity Quills Press for sending me an e-copy...more
Imposter is what Splintered would read like without the awesome world-building. You know, if we just h1.5 stars
[image] This was me for the entire book.
Imposter is what Splintered would read like without the awesome world-building. You know, if we just had the love triangle, Jeb and his dickish tendencies, and Al from Unhinged, who is perfectly okay with sticking her head in the sand and letting a whole world die if she can be normal, goddammit!
[image]
Tessa is, hands-down, one of the most annoying heroines I have ever met. She's a Variant, which means she has a special power (i.e mind-reading, telekinesis). However, our darling heroine just wants to be normal and have a normal life. Screw the fact that her Variant—the power to change into whoever she wants—is the envy of everyone, even the bitch who's dating the guy she likes (Remember Taylor from Splintered? That is a goldmine of shit right there. I'll get to it later), and all the spy organizations are just itching to get her hands on her.
"That was one of the moments I wished I were just a normal girl. A girl who could go shopping and hang out with her friends instead of doing the kind of work that would terrify a normal person."
[image] Have you tried doing what Hannah Montana did?
Because having a minimum-pay job, a sucky car that only runs half the time, and telemarketers who call you right in the middle of fucking class is so glamorous. I've never been fond of the special-person-just-wants-to-be-normal trope anyway and the fact that Tessa is so fucking whiny about it just makes me hate her even more.
Plus, I don't understand why she's portrayed as such a fucking special snowflake. What makes her Variant so special? Yes, she can shift into anyone she wants, but throughout the narrative, her power fails at the most crucial moments and she sucks at keeping her cover (she's supposed to pose as Madison, a girl who was murdered, in order to find the killer). Kate, another Variant a.k.a the bitch, can read minds. Isn't that just as effective and from what I've seen, she doesn't fuck up. She is far more competent than spesual little Tessa.
[image]
Tessa's also too soft-hearted. I know that sounds like a compliment, but not in this context. Upon finding out about her mission, Tessa constantly laments over Madison's death, like how she's never going to graduate, get a husband, and have 2.4 children. I know it's supposed to make me see how wonderful Tessa (she cares!) is, but it only made me all the more frustrated with her. Where's the fire? The sense of justice that will finally let this poor girl rest in peace by catching her murderer? I wanted to shake her and scream, "Stop fucking whining!" Find something constructive to do, like practice your Variant so your cover won't get blown.
But wait! Who has time for practicing when she might very well die without having been kissed!
"If I get myself killed, I'll die without ever having kissed a boy. Pathetic, huh? Bards will sing about the old spinster Tessa."
[image] I have not faced idiocy of this level since Nora Gray from Hush, Hush.
But her bubbly BFF totes agrees. In fact, it was her idea because she's the bold one while our beloved heroine is a shrinking violet/Bella/Nora. So they cook up this scheme to get Alec, the guy she likes, to be her first kiss by posing as Kate, his girlfriend.
[image]
Oh yeah, forget the implications that you're making him cheat because you know in your heart that you're perfect together! And you know, Kate doesn't understaaaaaand him like she does.
"It wasn't fair; she didn't even like him the way he was. She didn't like the same movies, didn't like the way he dressed, didn't understand how it was to grow up without loving parents the Alec and I did."
[image]
And she's a bitch, so it's okay.
Kate: "Nice shirt. Pity that you don't have any real breasts to speak of."
[image]
She's gorgeous too. How dare she be prettier than Tessa!
"Instead I had straight blonde hair, strange coppery eyes and long legs. My t-shirt strained over her bigger chest and my jeans were too short for her body. That was a reminder of her superior looks that I really didn't need. She had breasts to show off."
Don't fret though. Tessa is an equal opportunity slut-shamer. Any girl that goes near her precious Alex is a slut.
"Jealousy burned in my stomach. I knew he was only trying to gather information from them, but I didn't like it, especially the way Franny half shoved her impressive chest in his face.
[image]
Remind me again—am I supposed to sympathize with this girl? If so, I probably shouldn't be fantasizing wanting to do this to her:
[image]
Oh, and she fails in her noble quest anyway. She freaks out when she's in Alex's room and shifts back her normal form. See previous point on practicing.
In addition, she—you GoT and The Mortal Instruments fans are going to love this—has the hots for Madison's brother.
"Even with half the chicken casserole inside him, his abs still formed tight ripples beneath his shirt."
"Devon flashed me that grin I'd been on the receiving end of so many times in the last few days. His eyes reminded me of a cloudless summer sky and I loved the deep dimples that appeared each and every time he smiled."
"I could just imagine what Major would do if he found out I'd failed the mission because I wanted to smell Devon."
Disturbing incest vibes aside, she could jeopardize her whole mission. And just because she acknowledges it's stupid, doesn't mean it's any less stupid.
[image]
It's partially because of her stupidity that I never got a sense of urgency from her mission. She's supposed to be catching a murderer, but she just swims through Madison's life, half-heartedly looking for leads and wistfully think how cool it'd be if this was her family. She uses Madison's computer to log into the FEA, the Variant corporation she's part of, and doesn't erase the computer's history. And this happens:
"Even in the dark, I could see that my hair was definitely not blonde. I'd forgotten to change back to Madison before checking the window. That could have ended badly."
[image] Can I kill her now? Please let me kill her.
Other than Tessa, Alec got on my nerves too. He's like a Jeb clone, being overprotective and freaking out when Tessa is sent on a dangerous mission to investigate a murder. Similar to Jeb, he has a girlfriend but lusts after our heroine anyway. He later explains that his and Kate's relationship is of reason, not love.
[image] (God, I miss Cory Moneith)
What reason? Because she's hot and you don't have to take so many cold showers while thinking of Tessa?
"That was the first time I realized how much I wanted to keep you safe," he said. "It was the first time I met someone who understood me. Nobody understands me like you do."
[image] Someone get me a glass of water. I think I'm gagging on a piece of cliche.
FYI, he says that (and makes out with Tessa) before he breaks up with Kate. Then in the end (because there's some wangsting in the middle), he gets together with Tessa because he tired of fighting his feelings for her.
[image] Cause I can't fight this feeeeeling any longer~
The worst part is, Tessa doesn't even feel guilty about it. And this is the girl who keeps whining about how it isn't fair that she's lying to Madison's parents.
Loading...
