I read Mage's Blood due to a buddy hate-read I'm doing with my boyfriend. He has to read the Shatter Me series and I have to read the Moontide QuartetI read Mage's Blood due to a buddy hate-read I'm doing with my boyfriend. He has to read the Shatter Me series and I have to read the Moontide Quartet, a series that, according to him, constantly rewrites the rules of its own world-building at convenience. BUT, he emphasized, the first book isn't all that bad.
Not all that bad, he said.
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Its saving grace is that it got mildly entertaining in the last third and I was irrationally invested enough to keep reading for more than fifteen minutes a stretch. That's what the extra star is for.
The world-building is shit. It lifts entire cultures, countries, and prejudices from our world and pretends it's high fantasy simply because it goes by new names. Though new is an overstatement, given that Cym the beautiful gypsy girl is "Ramoni", which is basically a barely reworked spelling of Romani. Sometimes Hair doesn't even bother with new names. The words "namaste" and "si" appear. The man is too lazy to even invent a new language.
Fantasy languages are not that hard. Just mash your hand into the keyboard. Bvnbac. See? Now that means bread.
I'm not against real-life prejudices being portrayed in fantasy. In fact, it's to be encouraged because we see xenophobia and sexism in these high fantasy books and realize how silly it is that these things exist in our world. What I'm against is how brainlessly they're represented. People of color are discriminated against, homophobia is rampant (the word "cocksucker" was used with the subtlety of a toxic gamer), and the one intersex person that appears is treated as a vile, pitiable thing. In A Game of Thrones, the wildlings are very obviously an allegory for fear of immigrants. The word immigrant is never mentioned and the wildlings are not predominantly people of color, yet readers can easily deduce what this plot point is referring to in terms of real-world inspiration. Hair lacks that creativity and subtlety. Why write high fantasy if you're just going to copy and paste everything? Just go urban fantasy. That way you can still work in gnosis, Hair's magic system which is functional enough, but completely typical.
Don't forget the coincidences. This character is about to die, but she conveniently knows the one spell that will save her! Oh no, I've written myself into a corner BUTT WEIGHT the character with all the answers conveniently shows up at the protagonist's house.
I also found it rather misogynist that Huriya and Vedya, women who have a high sex drive, are cast as villains. Other things set them apart as villains, of course. They're vain, selfish, and bloodthirsty. But my question is, why add sexual hunger to the mix? Is it to make them seem more villainous, which would then imply that female sexuality is bad and is something to be controlled. (view spoiler)[Ramita's biggest crime, you'll remember, is fucking her ex-fiance. I hate Kazim with a vengence and thought she was a moron for betraying Meiros, but I find it interesting that her entire character arc hinges on her controlling her passion for Kazim. (hide spoiler)] Elena goes over to the good side once she breaks it off with her lover and boss Gyle. It's an uncomfortable theme that runs throughout the book.
Not exactly looking forward to the next book if this was my boyfriend's definition of "not that bad." Plus he only has to read the original Shatter Me trilogy. This series has four books.
"My feelings about Maxon. Maxon's feelings about me. Whatever was going on between Aspen and me. And my feelings about actually becoming a princess
"My feelings about Maxon. Maxon's feelings about me. Whatever was going on between Aspen and me. And my feelings about actually becoming a princess."
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That quote up there is all you need to know about The Elite.
It's genuinely painful to read. It's worse than The Selection because, for all its flaws, it was a debut. I'm willing to cut debuts a little slack. Sequels are when writers start finding their footing, both in terms of plot and writing.
Let's start with the first. Plot, what plot? It's all about America's feeeelings, about Maxon, about Aspen, about becoming queen—which she doesn't want, because she's not like other girls. Celeste is still a slutty bitch because God forbid we get some actual depth to her character. Marlee—does anyone really care about Marlee? She's a half-baked supporting character, whose most prominent moment is defined by how America reacts and its impact on 'Mer and Maxon's relationship. The servants, who America cared so much about in the first book (BECAUSE SHE'S NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS), barely make an appearance.
You can literally copy and paste the rebel invasions from The Selection, and nothing would change. They have so little impact on this story, it's laughable. No one important can die, nothing is allowed to disturb America while she agonizes over her feeeelings.
I still refuse to believe America somehow became a monarchy. Its foundation was built on overthrowing a monarchy. Tens of thousands of people took to the streets when an orange muppet with a wig became president nine months ago. You mean to tell me they laid down and took it when a general crowned himself king? A family dictatorship along the lines of North Korea, I might be able to accept. But then that would mean dealing with icky issues like destructive weapons and torture and inhumane prisons, and stuff like that can't possibly be authorized in this Candyland dystopian. Kings and princes, on the other hands, are nice and safe and dreamy.
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America continues to take her stupidity to new heights by brandishing a historical diary—which she was warned not to tell anyone about under any circumstances, because she's not supposed to know about it—at a presentation broadcasted live to the entire nation and in front of the king and queen. But who cares? This is Candyland dystopia and she'd never suffer any real consequences. (view spoiler)[And I was right. (hide spoiler)] She has more important things to worry about, like her feelings.
By the way, why doesn't the Selection test the girls on concrete things like diplomacy and language and political science? The sexist social structure only requires the queen to be pretty and soft-spoken, but she has some form of political duties. We saw in the first book that the queen has to greet dignitaries from other countries. Surely that requires some form of schooling.
There are some instances where the girls are required to demonstrate these skills, but they're far and in between. And they're always rushed in favor of gagging romantic scenes (which we somehow we need every fucking dialogue line of, including the color of his eyes). Part of me thinks it's deliberate, so Cass doesn't have to do research or dedicate hours to thoughtfully plotting an intellectually intricate scene.
The dialogue just makes me cringe:
"The sky is blue, the sun is bright, and Aspen endlessly loves America. It's how the world was designed to be. Seriously, Mer, you're the only girl I ever wanted. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else."
You'd think a book so rooted in romance would put some actual effort toward its defining feature, but it's cheesy and cliche.
Maxon is probably the one character I give a shit about, even though his backstory has been done a million times. (view spoiler)[What is with this YA dystopian wave and fathers whipping sons? Divergent had it, The Immortal Rules had it. (hide spoiler)] I feel for him, this young man trying to juggle the desires of the public and his parents with his own. And he calls America out on her bullshit. Anyone who does that is cool with me.
Aspen is blah. All he cares about America, and he has no personality outside of her.
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Some things I liked, such as America calling out Maxon for saying he loves her, but essentially cheats on her every day with the Selection, or the line she gives Aspen about not wanting their relationship to be out of default.
It saddens me, because there stands the amazing fierce heroine America could have been and the clever intriguing story this could have been, if it weren't weighed down with the frivolity and ridiculous romance.
It might appeal to the traditional target audience for YA: 12-16. But these days I'm looking for something that respect its older readers.
Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #1: Juliette is stunningly, magnificently incompetent at her job
The ending of Ignite Me is shit, alright? Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #1: Juliette is stunningly, magnificently incompetent at her job
The ending of Ignite Me is shit, alright? Juliette becomes Supreme Commander of an entire country in the name of “feminism” DESPITE her having received no proper education or training. Restore Me simply highlights how terrible that decision was.
I mean, look at this crap:
“Why did I think I’d be capable of running a entire continent? How did I allow myself to imagine that a supernatural ability to kill things with my skin would suddenly grant me a comprehensive understanding of political science?”
"I did not think it would be easy to be a leader exactly, but I do think I thought it would be easier than this"
“What do you mean, my quarters? I have quarters?”
Juliette is boggled out of her tiny mind that Warner can speak seven languages, even though it should be common sense given that he was the commander's son. At one point, she wistfully wishes Anderson, the evil dictator she killed, were alive so he could take governance off her hands. Oh, she also calls him talented.
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The scenario reminds me of my experience with Wandavision. Everyone was sobbing their eyes out and bumping Wanda up to their favorite Avenger, while I had no sympathy for her at all. She held an entire town hostage and forced its residents to relive her nightmares nightly. All the good characters talk about how hard Wanda had it and how her actions are understandable—indirectly telling the audience to sympathize with Wanda. In the end, when normalcy is restored, the townspeople see Wanda off with unforgiving eyes and the special agent says to Wanda, "They will never know what you sacrificed for them." As if Wanda, not the poor people she terrorized, is the victim here.
Maybe some people sympathize with Juliette. I imagine that must be the case, given how astounding popular this series is. She's a teenager with great potential struggling to do her best. On a certain level, I sympathize with her. But my sympathy does not stretch beyond my concern for the populace. I sure as fuck wouldn't want Juliette as my president. I wouldn't trust her to run a bake sale, let alone the shattered remains of a dictatorship. It's lunacy to parade placing an incompetent woman in a position of power as feminism.
Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #2: The Soap Opera Continues
In the original trilogy, we found out Warner and Adam are brothers. Now we discover Juliette’s parents weren’t her real parents and her real ones might still be alive. And she has an older sister??
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Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #3: There is No Plot
Half the book is Juliette finding out she is shit at her job. Then two people show up from another country, Juliette gets shot (don't worry, it has very little impact on anything), she finds out secrets about her past, and for the grand finale, (view spoiler)[she murders 600 people (evil commanders, of course) and her real parents take her home. (hide spoiler)]
Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #4: Juliette and Warner's Romance is Bullshit
“If Juliette has been supreme commander for seventeen days now, she and I have only been in a relationship for two days longer than that."
That quote seems pretty self-explanatory. They are the classic YA power couple: soulmates despite minimum interaction.
I maintain that Warner is an abusive fuck, but even if we ignore that, these hormonal teenagers know next to nothing about each other.
"I know he loves me--I can feel, in our every interaction, how deeply he cares for me--but even so, he's only ever offered me the vaguest information about his life."
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The thing is, she whines that Warner and Castle are keeping secrets from her, but the instant she finds out any type of impactful information (like Warner's ex), she has a mental breakdown. Kinda hard to blame them for hiding things.
Juliette and Warner's sex scenes are nauseatingly perfect too. There are common descriptions of heated skin to keep it age-appropriate. I actually wonder if they break into fever every time they fuck. And, of course, they orgasm together in perfect symphony.
Why Restore Me is Unrecyclable Trash Reason #5: Juliette's Thick-Ass Plot Armor
You can rest assured nothing bad will ever happen to Juliette. Her plot armor is so thick, it'd stop a dozen machetes. She’s never seriously injured and everyone kisses up to her. She never suffers consequences in her personal relationships due to her actions. It’s always the other person's fault and they’re always, ALWAYS, panting to make it up to her.
Even when Juliette force Kenji and Warner to spend time together. Even when she makes Kenji wait two hours for her because she was fucking her boyfriend. She prettily apologizes, they forgive her, and the world moves on, orbiting Juliette, the center of the universe.
UNPOPULAR OPINION TIME: I honestly think this book got published purely due to its diversity factor.
Nothing else about it is appealing. NOTHING. Just UNPOPULAR OPINION TIME: I honestly think this book got published purely due to its diversity factor.
Nothing else about it is appealing. NOTHING. Just the writing is enough to turn people off. It reads like the countless fanfiction you forced yourself through because a show's writers refused to make your ship canon, so now you have to wade through story after story of typos and grammar mistakes for resolution. But those authors aren't paid for their material. I'm the first to admit fanfiction is great for blossoming writers. My wallet did not have to suffer for lines like "Her eyes glittered with tears" or "The walls felt like they were holding their breath, like they'd inhaled but hadn't exhaled yet."
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And Dimple. Oh ho ho, Dimple. Judgement is her mother tongue. She's plain rude and judges everyone based on their clothes or wealth bracket. Her inner monologue is like a livestream of Gordon Ramsey criticizing food. Plus, for a feminist—which she loves to bring up because it makes her DIFFERENT!!1!!—she sure loves slut-shaming other women. You can't open a tube of mascara in front of her without her launching in a tirade about it.
I suppose you could pin it on her Indian-American social background—Her mother forces her to wear makeup and look pretty to attract a husband. But you can't have it both ways. You can't label Dimple a feminist yet have her be so radically anti-feminine. Don't wear makeup, fine. Don't stop and judge others for doing so.
All this makes When Dimple Met Rishi seem extremely juvenile. The mean kids are literally called Aberzombies. Younger teens might sympathize with Dimple badmouthing her parents for clinging to their heritage and her "me against the world" mentality. As someone in her early twenties, it lacks appeal.
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Rishi is so far up Dimple's ass, he might as well put down a mortgage. Page after page, he waxes on about her—her laugh, her beauty, her glasses, her lower lip... Yet she's done nothing but be horrible to him since they met.
He deserves better. Fuck kismet.
The format threw me off, too. Chapters had no particular length. Sometimes a POV chapter would be two paragraphs long, sometimes it'd go on for pages. And its third-person style is poorly written. It feels like (and I bet my liver it really happened) it was originally written in first-person, but then a beta reader said it was too hard to tell the POVs apart, and Menon panicked and immediately replaced every "I" with a person's name in Word without considering the subtle differences between these two styles.
Ending is a vat of nauseating cheese. Airports! Crying! Declarations of love while passersby stream by, secretly glaring at them because they're blocking the fucking road!
This is a trope that CAN be done well. If there'sThings that Make Natalie want to Flip a Table:
-Cliches
Cliche A: the hate-to-love relationship
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This is a trope that CAN be done well. If there's a fresh spin. And the characters were likable. Josh was *gasp* secretly in love with her all along, but instead of doing something radical like being nice, he embarks on a third-grader's idea of wooing women. He figuratively flicks boogers in her hair and breaks her crayons.
Cliche B: the sick scene from every shoujo manga
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Our plucky heroine is dangerously ill yet still determinedly stumbling through her day because she's a trooper that way. Then a wave of dizziness hits. She slumps back against a firm chest and strong arms. It's our handsome love interest who has been nothing been awful to her since 45 pages ago. He feels her forehead while she feebly bats him away, muttering she's fine.
"Idiot," he gently reprimands her, concerned and frustrated at the same time.
He takes her home, letting her lean on him. Delirious, our heroine wonders how strange it is he's being so nice to her while he's so mean all the time. He smells nice, she absently notes.
They're in the house. He stays the weekend, cooking for her and feeding her medicine and changing her clothes. As a bonus, he cleans her house too. Still caught in the impossible state of feverish delirium, she starts telling him things she'd never tell him in real life.
Slowly, unbelievably, they begin to bond.
Yeah, I'm not writing anymore. You get the idea. FYI, I have never seen or heard of someone so sick (exempting very serious diseases) that they're incapable of functioning.
Cliche C: the scatterbrained, nice, perky heroine and the work-obsessed, uptight guy.
I'm so tired of this dynamic. And Lucy is cute in a way that I finally understand why people hate Zooey Deschanel's characters. It's overwhelming. Suffocating. Lucy is like Jess from New Girl on steroids. She says silly things that no one would say in real life because they have mental filters.
-Weird agenda against nice guys and short guys.
Lucy and Josh both agree Nice Guys are overrated. Um, no. We need more Nice Guys in fiction and real life because a healthy relationship is sexy. Plus, Lucy loves mentioning that Josh can lift her up and that somehow makes him so much better than her old boyfriends.
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-Reminding me over and over again Lucy is 5 foot tall. I get it. My sister gets it. My cat fucking gets it.
I also know he's tall. Haha, cute contrast. Fucking shut up about it already.
-Telling me their bodies fit together for the 1,457,872th time
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-Lucy objectifying Josh to the point that HE gets uncomfortable She keeps on doing it even after he voices this.
How would we react if this were in a guy's POV and he kept talking about how tight that ass is or how great her boobs are? A few times is great, welcome even. S/he thinks her partner is beautiful and sexy. But if you keep on mentioning it every time you're together, it raises eyebrows.
-the romance is the whole story
I know it's a romance book. I know, alright. But I like to think readers have gotten a little more sophisticated in their choice of romances. Side plots involving the protagonist's family and/or career are typically told alongside the main romance plotline now.
But in The Hating Game, the only plot thread that is tied up is her and Josh's relationship. We don't find out if Lucy gets promoted. We don't find out if she goes home to visit her parents. It's like those things don't matter, which seems dangerously regressive.
Finally, a gif that sums up my entire reading experience:
At some point you have to ask yourself: is it worth the stress to read on?
"My name is Falcio Val Mond, First Cantor of the Greatcoats, a
DNF at 40%
At some point you have to ask yourself: is it worth the stress to read on?
"My name is Falcio Val Mond, First Cantor of the Greatcoats, and this was only the first of a great many bad days to come."
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Traitor's Blade, unlike most adult high fantasy, is written in conversational first-person. Falcio talks to the reader quite frequently, that wink-wink-nudge-nudge style that very, very easily strays into annoying territory.
And that's exactly what it damn did. I read so many telling, not showing and "You might have expected me to do x, but I did y" scenarios, I was ready to grab a hatchet and finish murdering the lot of them.
Partially because of the writing, I didn't give a crap about anything. Not Falcio, not his friends whose friends I've already forgotten, not their bloody honor, or their plight.
Plus, Falcio's wife is raped and murdered which kicks off the story and Falcio's self-discovery journey. Are we not tired of lining male protagonists' character development with the bodies of dead women?
"'Once, I was a mouse,' she says and strips off her glove. She reaches into the cage to stroke the rodent's tiny bald haunches.
'But I am not anymor
"'Once, I was a mouse,' she says and strips off her glove. She reaches into the cage to stroke the rodent's tiny bald haunches.
'But I am not anymore.'
Since this worked out so well last time:
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After the bloody events of the Quickening last book, one would be forgiven for expecting, nay, anticipating murder, mayhem, and violent mind games this round. One would expect the queens to focus tunnel vision-like on the prospect of winning and continued existence.
...Right?
"Not as beautiful as that." Nicolas bends and kisses the back of her gloved hand. "Not as beautiful as you."
Katharine blushes and nods downfield toward the targets.
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Katharine, my reborn poisoner, my best hope for some slaughter, has reverted back to a blushing milkmaid in the presence of a new hot suitor. You'd think she'd show some suspicion or caution towards handsome, unusually nice strangers after what happened with Pietyr, but either she's the most confident idiot in the world or the most hormonal. Take your pick.
(view spoiler)[She buys Pietyr's explanation way too easily. Granted, it takes nearly the entire book for her to accept him again, but there's not nearly as much mistrust and hatred as I expected. (hide spoiler)]
As someone who's writing a thesis on literary doubles, it gets frustrating when the duality between Nicolas (Katharine's new suitor) and Pietyr are presented with the subtlety of a knock knock joke. Katharine literally says Pietyr is her better half, the one who wants her to be softer, kinder. Nicolas relishes violence and feeds her dark side.
There's just so much goddamn romance. The first 30% of One Dark Throne is occupied with the queens' various romantic storylines, with Katharine occasionally sending out poisoned clothes as a transparent attempt to create tension.
I don't mind romance. Honestly, I don't. But when the blurb promises high stakes and war, I expect blood to flow all the way up to my knees.
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Arinsoe and Mirabelle. I had little to no expectations for these two, so I wasn't that disappointed when they sat back like the vanilla bread rolls they are. This series tries so hard to sell me that it's morally grey!, these characters are dark! when they are as pure as fresh stream water. (view spoiler)[Katharine's newfound darkness, as it turns out, is the result of weird malevolent magic. (hide spoiler)]
What I do have are questions:
1) Why does Arinsoe's low magic spell work astonishingly well after the disaster with the bear last time?
2) Actually, why is she still using low magic at all, given what happened? Why doesn't she at least hesitate or show inner turmoil?
3) Why would anyone randomly pick up a knife off the ground and then use it to slice meat? This doesn't make much sense if you haven't read the book, but the aftermath of this ludicrous decision sets quite a few plot wheels spinning.
Dare I say, plot convenience?
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(view spoiler)[Joseph's death is yawn. Does anyone really care about him? He's like the Mal of this series. (hide spoiler)]
The writing and world-building are still frustratingly sparse. On the former, the narrative gives off a traditional "fairy tale" vibe where we have action and dialogue, but we never have a solid handle on its characters. One Dark Throne largely foregoes stream-of-consciousness narrative (inner thoughts/monologue, simply put), so it's hard for me, personally, to relate to these characters. It lacks intimacy. They're plot pieces, not people.
As for world-building, two full-length books have gone by and I still don't have a good idea what Fennbirn looks like nor the three clans' culture and surroundings. (Truthfully, I don't have a clue what the sisters look like either) There are poisoners and naturalists and elementals... and then what? There's nothing to expand on. All I get from Wolf Spring (naturalist Arinsoe's home) is they're big on fried clams. But it's been two books! I should know more than fried clams.
Towards the end, we are led to believe that we'll receive world expansion in the form of the mainland, though I stand by my point. It's been two books. Nearly 800 pages. We should know more. I should feel more.
"It was a mistake. All of it. For as long as she'd known him, Mariko had despised the very idea of this boy.
But the truth of him?
The truth was not
"It was a mistake. All of it. For as long as she'd known him, Mariko had despised the very idea of this boy.
But the truth of him?
The truth was not quite as simple. It was silent entreaty. A wordless plea."
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Last time I offered a three-sentence summary of The Wrath and the Dawn. This time, I give you yet another short summary of Flame in the Mist:
Mariko: I'm going to dress up as a boy to infiltrate the Black Clan and find out why they sent people to assassinate me!
Okami: *works his chiseled cheekbones*
Mariko: Never mind
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Seriously now, I do think the romance here is better than The Wrath and the Dawn. There are no weird Twilight comparisons and blissfully free of rapey undertones.
But boy, was it random. Okami does next to nothing to endear himself to Mariko, but she falls in love with him anyway. The premise is exactly like TWATD—girl infiltrates boy's home with the intention to kill him, then tumbles head over heels for him without sufficient justification. You'll notice I didn't say "fall." Because she doesn't so much fall as plunge headfirst at Mach 1.
This is a quote from right after she nearly drowns:
"Mariko had never thought she'd see so many naked feelings cross his finely chiseled face."
Girl nearly died, but ya know *whispers* chiseled. Okami also smells like warm stone and wood smoke, courtesy of Dior's newest cologne line.
Also like TWATD, Mariko is set up to be this fierce, intelligent, badass character, but fails spectacularly at the one task she's given. Mariko is an awful spy, alright? Halfway through the novel and all she's done is mentally swear revenge x10000 and throw a teapot at someone. Ahdieh may be going for a fish-out-of-water scenario here, where Mariko thrives in political power games, then realizes the same tactics can't be applied to the real world. But we aren't shown scenes where she dominates in those fields either. We're just told (over and over and over again, by her brother, by Okami) that she's smart and supposed to take it at face value even when all evidence suggests otherwise.
I'm still scratching my head over the decision Mariko makes that kicks everything off. After her progression is attacked by the Black Clan, Mariko decides to track down her assassins herself because returning home, battered and dirtied, will cause rumors about her reputation, thus, hurting her family. Did I miss a few steps? A) Why would a pampered girl raised within the security of palace walls think she can make it on her own and B) What exactly will catching the assassins prove? I understand her desiring to taste freedom, but it's a terrible life decision. Like climbing Mount Everest.
The writing doesn't help either. It's melodramatic and overflows with declarative fragments like, "She would murder them. She'd show them all." (I made that up; I'm too lazy to flip for a real quote.) Sentences like that appear all the time, without much variation in sentence structure. They're meant to be impactful—and they are in sensible amounts. Too much, and it feels tired and unoriginal. Ahdieh tends to overexternalize her characters' emotions as well. For instance, if a character is sad, it rains, that kind of thing. It occurs so often, it loses emotional impact. When everything from walking through a garden to murdering a man feels DEEP and MEANINGFUL, nothing is.
I rated this lower than TWATD, but I do think it's slightly better in terms of romance. I just couldn't think of a single good thing about it individually.
FYI, Dragon's Beard candy originates from China. Flame in the Mist is centered in feudal Japan. Just sayin'....more
Look at the rating for The Mistake. 4.18 to The Deal's 4.34 and The Score's 4.32.
4.18 is by no means low. It's pretty damn high, in fact. But t[image]
Look at the rating for The Mistake. 4.18 to The Deal's 4.34 and The Score's 4.32.
4.18 is by no means low. It's pretty damn high, in fact. But the fact it's lower than its predecessor should raise a few red flags. Usually the first book gets the "lowest" rating, and people who enjoyed it continue on with the series and rank its sequels high since they're already established fans.
The Mistake is—to go the obvious route—a mistake.
The Deal was pure fluff, the kind that warms you. The Mistake is cavity-destroying, the kind that makes you want to gargle and brush your teeth three times.
It's cheesy.
It's cliche.
They've known each other for the space of two days, most of which was devoted to non-talking sexy times, and suddenly Logan's spilling his life story to Grace. Deep, personal stuff he hasn't even told his best friend.
Then he performs the "thoughtless mistake" the blurb mentions and does a modern version of the Labors of Hercules to win Grace back. Did I mention they've known one another for two days? Even if I'm being generous and give them two weeks (because honestly my memory's a bit fuzzy) it's an exaggerated response. Their relationship is insta-love.(view spoiler)[They're talking marriage at the end. Marriage. (hide spoiler)]
The tropes that Kennedy cleverly subverted in The Deal are nowhere to be found. Logan is the bad boy womanizer, and Grace is the shy, sweet virgin in college. At one point, she marvels at how she "tamed" Logan.
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Logan borders on caveman alpha male. He's easily jealous, possessive, and I get this sexist vibe from him that I don't get from Garrett. Like the way he condescends his past hookups in relation to Grace, because she's Amazing Grace and he's finally seen the light.
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I can't even praise the complex up-and-down relationship between Grace and her best friend Ramona because of this:
"I refuse to take responsibility for this near-catastrophe. Ramona is an adult. She made the decision to party with those boys, and she's fucking lucky that I still feel some shred of loyalty toward her and came to her rescue."
Just no. Yeah, awesome standing up for yourself and not being a doormat, but forcing responsibility on the victim for near-rape is disgusting. A girl can go to a party and not ask to be roofied or gang-raped. They're not mutually exclusive.
With that being said, I will be continuing with The Score. I notice the rating goes back up, so hopefully this is a one-time mistake.
Introducing a brand new game show! Who Said It: Teenage Girl or Horse?
"I thought this girl wanted to make friends, but she'd already changed her mi
Introducing a brand new game show! Who Said It: Teenage Girl or Horse?
"I thought this girl wanted to make friends, but she'd already changed her mind and started talking trash about me. She was no different than Beatrice. At least I knew her name now: Merritt, like the highway."
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"No sleep in Brooklyn!
The boom-boom-clash beat of the classic Beastie Boys' song reverberated through my head."
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"I imagined there was gossip about me. I could picture the discussion on a radio call-in show."
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"What a freak."
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"Couldn't she just text her?"
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"It was one of the blondes. Amora or Nadia. I couldn't keep them straight."
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If you guessed teenage girl for every single one, then you're dead wrong. All of them were pulled from a horse's POV. Thanks for playing!
Seriously though, what horse knows about texting? What horse can't identity people by smell and instead focuses on their blonde hair like a pre-feminist awakening tween? Red's (the horse) thoughts are no different than a human's. What's the point of the dual POV then? He calls a bridle and reins by its official names rather than identifying it as something cold and hard and tugged consistently at his mouth—descriptions I would expect animals to give.
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Other things bugged me too, like Merritt mentally insisting Carvin is gay as a reason not to ask him out. That is so offensive on so many levels. It's like a boy eyeing up a hot girl in a bar , then tells his buddies that she "probably swings for the other team anyway" when they urge him to talk to her because he knows he doesn't have a shot.
The ending is neater than a Christmas bow and made me wonder if my copy had five chapters cut out. All loose threads are tied up, all problems are resolved. Which is great except the majority of the plot is focused on Red and Merritt's relationship instead of steadily advancing towards solving those problems.
I liked the premise. I still do, just not the execution.
ARC provided by Edelweiss. Quotes taken from an uncorrected galley proof and may be subject to change....more
"I can't explain it, but I need to find her. Faina. This note wasn't sent in malice, I can feel it."
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One of my pet peeves in books is when a cha
"I can't explain it, but I need to find her. Faina. This note wasn't sent in malice, I can feel it."
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One of my pet peeves in books is when a character makes decisions based on a feeling. Either it goes well, which makes it look like a deux ex machina. Or it goes horribly wrong, making said character look like an idiot.
Guess what happens to Diane. Go on, guess.
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Diane is... you know, I don't quite have the words for her. She's bratty. Childish. Insipid. During the climax, when everything goes to shit, a horse has to tell her what to do. A horse. Granted, a magic horse, but my God!
"'The price of a necklace, she thought guiltily, just one of the many jewels that sit idly in my drawer, more than enough to feed a family.' She often found herself feeling shame at such things."
Nope, sorry, still don't feel sorry for you. Not when you're wallowing in self-pity instead of doing shit. Don't try to tell me her dad might notice, because she totally gives one away later in exchange for a guard's silence.
It's not like she's uneducated. She's the princess of Wonderland, as she loves reminding guards while being unnessarily cruel. She sits through lessons all day long, all throughout the book. You think she'd pick up a few things.
But noooo. Precious Princess Diane makes rash decisions, barely thinking through a plan before plunging up to her shoulders in it. Then whines when they fall through. She throws tantrums bordering on hysterical-outburst material. In the first chapter, when she's being presented to the throne by her very intimidating father, she zones out.
Come on, realistically, would that happen? When you're already frightened and nervous? I'd be hyper alert and march down that aisle as quick as possible, so no one will stare.
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The writing burns my eyes. Just look at it:
"The ivory doors slammed shut behind her, the sound bouncing around the vast room. Voluminous red banners billowed from floor to ceiling, a black heart stitched across each center: the blazon of the King. Dinah's white slippers echoed loudly against the marble floors, and she felt thousands of eyes watching her, judging her. She held her crowned head as highly and regally as she could. The entire court watched her walk up the aisle, lords and ladies of noble birth, their bright fashion a blot of color on the otherwise black-and-white marble room."
Yesh. I can write a Stephenie Meyer novel with all those adjectives.
Sometimes, less is more. Especially in the beginning, when readers are still getting used to the world and characters. I'm not interested in an essay on the duties of different Cards and Wonderland provinces. Spread it out like peanut butter, man.
There's telling in form of dialogue, telling instead of showing, so much telling I feel like I'm five sitting through a lecture from my mom.
"The King of Hearts stood before her now, a giant man full of fury and righteousness and an insatiable lust for food and women."
Give me concubines in the crowd. Show me a straining waistline. Let me hear a barked command at a servant. Don't be fucking lazy with storytelling.
The dialogue is downright cringe-worthy:
"Oh, Dinah, you are too good. This just what I needed. You're incredible, you know that?"
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The whole thing just feels like a prequel.(view spoiler)[There's no surprise, no twists. You've told from day one the king is a dick. You can't expect me to be bamboozled by the knowledge that he's trying to kill his daughter to keep the throne.
Why though? That's a huge plot hole that somehow slipped through. He's not dead yet and he rules by fear. Even if there is a rule that demands he must hand over the throne when Dinah is of age, can't he change it?
Without all the unnecessary description, it'd be half the length, freeing more pages to actually do something substantial. The world-building itself is interesting. The Mad Hatter is Diane's crazy brother Charles who designs hats. The information about Cards and their heirarchy is fascinating once you look through the word-vomit.
But without a plot and interesting characters, it's nothing but an empty world.
ARC provided by Edelweiss. Quotes taken from an uncorrected galley proof and may be subject to change. ...more
A single spotlight flicks on. Cynical Natalie sits in the middle, blinking at the glare.
Cynical Natalie: What the hell is this? Where's my annoying twA single spotlight flicks on. Cynical Natalie sits in the middle, blinking at the glare.
Cynical Natalie: What the hell is this? Where's my annoying twin?
A disjointed voice booms out of the darkness: Are you ready to play How Mad Can We Make Cynical Natalie?
Applause reigns. Cynical Natalie tries to protest, but her voice is masked by the immediate rumble, The rules are simple. Characters, quotes, plot points, anything of note are listed from a novel called Roseblood and we will see how—long—it—takes—for—Cynical Natalie—to—blow—her—TOP!
The cheers are deafening.
Cynical Natalie: Now wait just a minute—
Offering #1: A school in contemporary times is called RoseBlood, like the founder never grew out of his/her emo phase
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #2: Located in France, Roseblood only accepts American students because logic
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #3: Nothing in this book suggests it's set in France. The school is deliberately organized as such to have an "American atmosphere" so students won't get homesick, but we all know that's an excuse to skip research.
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #4: Info-dump. All the fucking info-dump.
In the first chapter, Audrey and her mom word-vomit through conversation why she's being sent to school, her decreased dad, her impulse to sing, her mom's new marriage, her grandma's superstition, etc. After she meets Sunny, there's more word-vomit on the school's history
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #5: Mean Popular Girl is blonde, gorgeous, and sexually forward
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #6: Rune faints on her first day and a hot guy carries her to the infirmary
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #7: Hot guy also happens to be Mean Popular Girl's crush.
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #8: The name Rune
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #9: The writing
"The music brightens our synchronized footsteps, as warm and honey yellow as the sun, flooding our surroundings, relaxing me until there's no strain anywhere on my body. Though the aria rages from my throat--the mood dark, mad and melancholy--I'm unaffected. Bubbles of serenity encapsulate every I staccato, trill and glissando, then lift them from my vocal cords and roll them off my lips, effortlessly."
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #10:More writing
"His lips part and our tongues meet, lighting up my insides with voltaic pulses of emotions, auras that burst in my mind on explosions of color flavored with caramel, midnight flowers and singed spices—dark, tempestuous, and succulent."
Cynical Natalie:
[image] Offering #11: The fucking writing
"An expression of sympathy and supplication deepens his brows his brown, hawkish eyes before they fluctuate to that shimmery, coppery gaze I saw in the garden upon my arrival."
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #12: Special Rune thinks she's cursed and dark. This time, with a dash of racism in the form of "gypsy blood"
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #13: Just this.
"Rune's light. The purest white he'd ever seen... incarnate, rare... the essence of an angel."
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #14: Insta-love
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #15: Twilight parallels
-Rune's Mom abandons her like Bella's mom because of her new husband
-The scene where she unmasks Thorn is similar to when Edward shows off his diamond-encrusted chest. Rune is mesmerized, awed, some other adjective.
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #16: More quotes.
"Logic tells me I should be afraid. But I can't stop thinking about all the hours I've spent with my maestro, how I no longer fear what he hides beneath his mask. How I've seen his soul written upon the pages of his past and it's beautiful."
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #17: Disgusting treatment of sex workers.
Thorn's mom had him out of wedlock and so she considers herself a whore. When Thorn's powers awaken at 14, Erik leads him to a whorehouse to suck energy out of the women working there.
They're treated as less than dirt. In contrast, Rune is encased by a pure white light. Her voice is purity incarnate. She finds her first ever sexual encounter "degrading." You can't not notice these comparisons
Cynical Natalie:
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Offering #18: All. The. Clothes. Descriptions. Sweater and leggings. Jeans and tunic.
Cynical Natalie:
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We've done it, folks! Cynical Natalie is now a frothing vortex of rage. Please show yourselves out and remember NOT to pick up your copy of Roseblood by the door....more
"You sound exactly like a textbook, do you know that?" he said. "It's amazing."
Took the words right out of my mouth. It's amazing The Sco1.5 stars
"You sound exactly like a textbook, do you know that?" he said. "It's amazing."
Took the words right out of my mouth. It's amazing The Scorpion Rules has managed to take an high-concept dystopian plot and mutilate it into bland, soulless mush. There's no spirit in this book. No soul, no spark.
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It started awesome. Talis, the UN ambassador who ceased war in the Before, was narrating and the guy is charismatic as hell. He's snarky, morally dubious, and basically everything I want in an MC.
"All of a sudden there were whole populations under water. Which meant that whole populations moved. Borders strained, checkpoints broke, and of course people started shooting, because that’s what passes for problem-solving among humans. See, guys, this is why you can’t have nice things.
Then Self-Sacrificing Greta pokes her selfless nose in. It's so dull in her head. She speaks really formally, which I guess isn't her fault since she's royalty and a Child of Peace (hostage to ensure a country's good behavior), but it's also not my fault that I can't stand it.
Her actions are scarcely better. She follows the rules like a good girl and performs her duty as martyr when the time comes. (view spoiler)[She becomes an AI to save Elian and magically survives the transfer through the power of love. Lesbian love, but if it were a guy, we'd be sharpening our pitchforks. (hide spoiler)] Can you get any more Jesus? Give me your selfish heroines. Give me those who cackle evilly, who plot, who cheat, who fight and scratch.
Fuck it, just give me Talis. I promise I'll be good to him.
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There are a lot of complex themes and moral issues presented with the subtlety of a shovel to the face. It's trying too hard. Reading The Scorpion Rules is like reading Victorian literature and God knows I do enough of that in college. I want to kick back, relax, let my brain unspool with complex themes and moral issues disguised as fun, readable literature. Because that's the sign of an awesome book. Make your readers think without them realizing they're thinking.
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ARC provided by Netgalley. Quotes taken from an uncorrected galley proof and may be subject to change....more
"How can I desire him? After he killed Shiva. After he killed so many young girls, without explanation.
What's wrong with me?"
A three-sen1.5 stars
"How can I desire him? After he killed Shiva. After he killed so many young girls, without explanation.
What's wrong with me?"
A three-sentence summary of The Wrath and the Dawn:
Shahrzad: I will kill Caliph Khalid to avenge my best friend! Khalid: *eye smoulder* Shahrzad: Lol, nah.
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That is literally what happens. I'm not joking. The Wrath and the Dawn is a retelling of the classical One Thousand and One Nights tale. Every day, the Caliph of Khorasan marries a new bride and by dawn, he has her killed. Shahrzad marries him to get revenge for her best friend and within three days, she's putty in his hands.
Three fucking days. Where's the fire? Where's the hate? Where's her brain?
"It's because he's not the monster I thought he was.
There was so much more below the surface, and she had to know what lay at the root of it all."
The book tries so hard to convince readers Shahrzad is Katniss by making her a master archer and spout promises for vengeance. But it'd be nice if she actually carried through with her plan. Her attempts at sniffing out Khalid's weaknesses are poorly thought-out and completely disappear after she falls in insta-love with sunlight-scented Hay Boy. I mean, Khalid.
There's a scene where she directly confronts Khalid on why he kills his wives and he leaves because she has the subtlety of a hippo in a tutu. She then spends the whole day fretting she hurt his feeeeelings and apologizes. Apologizes. For wanting answers. For demanding an open relationship. For understanding why her best friend had to die.
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I'm confused to what the intended message is. That if you stick it out long enough in an abusive relationship, you can change him? That violent jerks with short tempers are precious cinnamon rolls with hidden depths?
Keep in mind Shahrzad falls for Khalid before she discovers the real reason behind the murders (in which he's totally blameless because God forbid he's a morally grey character). She is in love with someone who murdered her best friends and hundreds of other girls. At one point, she calls him her "beautiful monster".
Young girls are reading The Wrath and the Dawn and forming their idea of love from it. Do I need to say how dangerous that is? Isn't Fifty Shades of Grey enough?
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Speaking of Fifty Shades, let's address the elephant in the room: The Wrath and the Dawn is the Arabian Twilight. There's insta-love like I mentioned and a love triangle with Shahrzad's childhood friend Tariq. Khalid is a gorgeous male specimen who's secretive, hates himself, and a brilliant fighter. He even has amber eyes.
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Another thing that bothered me are the rape scenes. Their marriage consummation and the night after was rape, okay? Just like Drogo and Daenerys' marriage was built on rape. Shahrzad didn't want it. She just went ahead with it to earn Khalid's trust. (Edit 29/6/2020: Even if you argue it's technically not rape because she seemed physically willing, it's definitely not fully consensual and thus rapey.)
Later, we discover Khalid had never entered any other bride's bedchamber except hers. Which begs the question: Why? If he loved her from the start, which he does, why would he violate her like that? Why would he perform on her one of the cruelest crimes you do to a person? Or is it supposed to be romantic and special because she's the exception? That's a prize I don't ever want to fucking win.
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Then there's the plot itself. Or should I say lack of plot. For a story about murder and mind games, it is surprisingly slow. Nothing really happens until the climax, which abruptly cuts off just when the story ball starts rolling. They cheated me out of a decent climax. Most of the storyline is devoted to the romance, people traveling, and descriptions of clothes.
So. Much. Descriptions.
"She was dressed in wide silk trousers and a fitted top stained a deep violet color, with think straps that banded over each shoulder. The necklace and thin chain at her waist contained amethysts surrounded by tiny, pale pink diamonds. At her ears and along her brow were large teardrops of purple and gold."
I estimate 25% is describing what Shahrzad is wearing at any given time. There are a lot of non-layman terms too that aren't sufficiently contextualized, so they're difficult to understand. Not just for clothes, but weapons and titles and such. Qamis, sirwal, shamshir. I appreciate the research that went into writing this, but there's a point when it gets annoying. It feels like the author is showing off instead of telling us the damn story. The writing itself is overblown and jammed with unnecessary metaphors.
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By far the worst YA book I've read in a long time....more
"Archer is smart and funny in addition to being hot. Elodie [his girlfriend] is stupid and dull."
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The second, the second, I read that line,
"Archer is smart and funny in addition to being hot. Elodie [his girlfriend] is stupid and dull."
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The second, the second, I read that line, I logged into Goodreads to check which year it was published.
2010. Also known as YA's embarrassing puberty years. I tend to stay away from books published during that time since they're filled with unhealthy romantic relationships and girl-on-girl hate. YA now is like college you, all grown-up and cringing at the occasional photo of your tween self that pops up on Facebook.
Hex Hall is juvenile YA. The writing is a more inane version of Meg Cabot's style, filled with cutesy internal monologues and pop culture references. The plot is an typical mystery type without much punch.
And the girl hate. God, the girl hate.
"I turned and saw Chaston, Anna and Elodie walking toward me. They looked amazing in the fugly gym uniforms. Shocker."
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Unlike Tina Fey's masterpiece, the girls don't make up and sing kumbaya. I thought it was heading that direction for a while and was sadly let down. (view spoiler)[Elodie turns out to be a power-hungry bitch after all. Yeah, sure, she passes Sophie her powers in the end. Cry me a river. (hide spoiler)]
In the acknowledgements, it surprisingly states Hex Hall is mostly about the power of women.
What power? The power to tear each other down?
"Even her essay for Lord Byron's class was about the way physical beauty enhanced a witch's power, supposedly because it gave her easier access to humans. It was ridiculous."
No, it's smart. Ethics aside, it's a damn good tactic.
The feminism in Hex Hall reminds me of this movie I watched recently: White Chicks. (I know, it's been out for over a decade, but I wasn't interested until I saw a gif of one of the protagonists telling the other to hold his poodle, so he can beat someone up). It's not devoid of female bonding—Sophie and Jenna's relationship was nicely done—but it relies on knocking down other women to build the home team up. In White Chicks, it's the fake Wilson sisters and their friends against the spoiled heiresses who are willing to sleep their way onto the catwalk. In Hex Hall, it's Sophie and Jenna against the witches' coven who are obsessed with power and their looks.
I'm sure you're all tired of me banging on about feminism, but it's something I unconsciously look for when I read. I weigh other factors too obviously—plot, pace, characters, the realistic aspect, etc, but gender equality is up there. If a book is awesome enough, I can overlook certain aspects, like Six of Crows's arguably archetypal ending (view spoiler)[of a hero needing to rescue his girl. (hide spoiler)]
"She appeared of average height. Actually, everything about her seemed average—her dark brown hair, pulled back from her face in a messy k
2.5 stars
"She appeared of average height. Actually, everything about her seemed average—her dark brown hair, pulled back from her face in a messy knot; her pale, roundish face; her average weight—definitely not one of those skinny girls I hated..."
I wish Oblivion had never been written. Then I wouldn't have experience the realization that I, unconditionally and irrevocably, wanted to plant my foot up his ass.
"She was attracted to me, even right now, when I'd backed her clear across the yard, and yet she was still attracted to me. And that kicked off something in me that I didn't want to look too closely at."
Is this the guy we fell for in Obsidian? This skinny-shaming, gets-off-on-fear creeper?
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This book was intended for fans who couldn't get enough of Daemon Black. By 5% I'd had enough of him for a lifetime. It's so fucking long. And pointless.
We don't get any special insight into Daemon's life we didn't get from Katy's POV. If anything, it made me realize what a flat character he is. He exists solely to be the Male Love Interest. There's no rising action or climax or any resemblance of a plot in his version of Obsidian. Onyx was a little better because he was discovering the dark side of the DOD and information about his brother alongside Katy. Then Opal plunks us right back in the land of linear plot and Katy's satiny skin.
Ooh, in case you forget, Daemon reminds us over and over Katy has skin that feels like satin. And grey eyes. With full lashes, which she enjoys peeking beneath.
She also smells of peaches.
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The Daemon Armentrout presented in the original series had a life other than Katy. He cared deeply about his sister, regrets the loss of his brother, tried to make things work with Ash. When Adam died and Dee was devastated, he barely gave them a chapter's worth of fucks. When Dawson comes back, we get the barest bones of a summary on how he tried to ease him out of his shell. Worries about Ash and the Elders? Maybe with a magnifying glass.
Look, if you're going to rewrite a series from another character's POV, give me something fresh. Don't make me sit through pages and pages of copy-and-paste conversation.
Obsidian would have been infinitely improved if we got to see Daemon slowly trusting and falling for Katy.
Instead we get this:
"Truth be told, I fell for her the first time she mouthed off at me. I just hadn't fully admitted it to myself."
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Why are we still doing this, authors? Why are we still reinforcing the myth of no means yes? Why are we still creating romantic heroes who view rudeness as a challenge, when most guys would rather sit through a shitty movie than get up to find the remote?
Love is blind, Daemon. You were better off viewed from Katy's eyes....more
Pitchers, approach your mounds. Annnnnd play ball!
He wasn't the smartest earthman there was, no
DNF at 7%
Sheldon, why don't you start us off?
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Pitchers, approach your mounds. Annnnnd play ball!
He wasn't the smartest earthman there was, nor the strongest, nor the best leader the planet had to offer... And though he would arguably become one of the greatest heroes this universe has ever known, he did not start out that way.
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I hate the Lego Movie. I hate its cliche Chosen One plot. I hate its barely hidden consumerism message. I hate the reason Wild Style ended up with Emmet is because he's the hero and she's the fucking trophy.
If you're going to do the Chosen One plot, hide it a little better, is all I'm asking. We didn't find out Harry Potter's prophecy until book 5. Earthman Jack's special status is presented with all the subtlety of Brussels sprouts on a white plate. Mash it up and hide it in a pie.
Strike one!
Batter up!
"A normal guy would have taken the hint and moved on by now. But Jack felt in his gut that there was something there, some connection between Anna and him, almost like they were destined to be together."
It's so nice to see middle-grade books promoting stalking. Molding the minds of the Christian Grays of tomorrow.
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Later, Anna gets harassed by a dumb jock and Jack swoops in and saves the day. Because rape culture in real life isn't enough, we have to shove it down the throats of kids, too.
Strike two!
This fucking passage:
"First off, there was his best friend Matt Nolan, who'd been Jack's partner in crime since the two of them got into a fight over who got to play with the Mighty Morphing Robot Ninja in first grade. Matt's mom was white, and his dad was black, but on the color scale, Matt tended to skew on the lighter end—a fact that really annoyed him..."
WHY. Why do we need to know this shit? I'm too lazy to quote the entire thing, but he goes on to describe Matt's attire and does the same thing to his entire social circle.
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This book doesn't need to be 600+ pages. Unnecessary descriptions like this should've been shaved off.
Strike three! And you're out!
I'm not putting up with this crap for 600+ pages. I have a life—and better books.
"Maybe he wasn't in this class after all! But he had to be. At least that's what it said when she steamed open his pre-registration envelope."
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"Maybe he wasn't in this class after all! But he had to be. At least that's what it said when she steamed open his pre-registration envelope."
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You all know me to be a pretty chill person, right? I mean, I don't freak out or go off on long tangents...
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Okay, fine, maybe I do, but it's all for a good reason. Those books pissed me off, whether it's plot, characters, piss-poor writing... Ghostgirl has at least two down and I wasn't overly impressed with the plot either.
Meet Charlotte, our fabulous main character:
"Her whole reason for self-improvement, diet, exercise, blah, blah--everything--was Damen."
Pulling out teeth would be less painful than listen to her blabber. All she wants is to be popular and get Golden Boy and she's not about to let a little thing called death stop her. In fact, she'll twist it to her advantage!
"She planned to turn her greatest disadvantage--being dead--into a positive and use it to get closer to Damen. If he couldn't actually see her, he couldn't object to her invading his personal space."
But wait! Charlotte is also a steadfast feminist:
"Charlotte had always been conflicted about cheerleading, the basic idea to validate male egos by doing stupid jumps and silly routines, all with pom-poms and a ton of makeup on. But she wanted to be ogled too. She wanted to be eye candy."
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In love with her yet? Ready to cheer her on as she blunders through the Afterlife? Well, maybe the wide range of side characters will catch your fancy:
Scarlet, the emo, goth character
"You can expect these type of outbursts from the calorie-challenged."
She cuts for no good reason and doesn't freak out when she sees Charlotte because, you know, death is the center of goth culture. So she agrees lickity-split to let Charlotte possess her body, so she can hang out ghosts and learn her culture.
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Petula, the preppy, bitch cheerleader
"You can't ban me from the dance! I AM THE DANCE!" Petula screamed.
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Isn't she chock-full of personality?
And if that isn't enough, the writing:
"You didn't expect me to wait, like, forever, did you?" Petula said selfishly.
"I know you think you're meant to go to the dance," Prue said antagonistically.
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The plot/premise takes a stupendous suspension of disbelief, an effort I don't give a shit enough to make. Dead kids have to take classes to learn how to be a ghost and move on and for plot reasons, it takes place in an occupied school building. No kidding, they have lunch break with living students, who obviously can't see them, and eat food served by ghostly cafeteria ladies.
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Even in my wildest dreams, I can't make up something this ludicrous. ...more
Welcome to a new YA series that reimagines classic Disney stories in surprising new ways.
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I deleted my pre-review so you can't see,1.5 stars
Welcome to a new YA series that reimagines classic Disney stories in surprising new ways.
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I deleted my pre-review so you can't see, but I was super excited for A Whole New World. I put a gif with Aladdin throwing money and everything. I was ready to love it.
And it crushed that hope. Crushed it like Beyonce crushed at the VMAs.
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Right up to 20%, practically one-fifth of the book, it was a near play-by-play replica of the Disney movie. Was this supposed to be an ad for the Disney movie? Because you don't need to sell me that shit. I watched it every day for an entire week when I borrowed the video cassette (90s, man) from the library. Aside from a few details like Aladdin's mom making a brief one-chapter appearance, it doesn't even attempt to differentiate itself from the source material. It shovels extra scenes in too, like Jafar throwing a very familiar parade after he becomes sultan.
The plot is nothing to write home about. It was juvenile and typical and foreshadows with the finesse of a hippo ballerina. For instance, it hints at an eventual betrayal by turning that character shifty and inspiring internal monologues: What's up with him? Why is he acting different? I'm sure it's nothing.
Fucking please. Give your readers some credit.
Juvenile is actually the best word to describe this book. The characters are sad two-dimensional paper dolls no different than their movie counterparts. Aladdin never experiences any hesitation in his goal to rescue Jasmine, even when normal human instinct is to run as damn far as you can in the opposite direction. He is a hero, dammit, and he must never not be heroic.
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Genie is cheerfully snarky and uses references that shouldn't exist during that era, which really irritated me because a) it's a fantasy and modern slang should never appear and b) pay some respect to the culture that inspired it. Do some research. Aladdin was released when the public wasn't as conscious about this kind of thing. There's absolutely no excuse for it now.
And it never fails to remind us that Jafar is evil, yo. Every scene he's in, he's using an oily voice. The tower where he lives is encased in an "evil orange glow". When he laughs, "not evilly" has to be added because he obviously does it so often.
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Jafar is the most squandered character in A Whole New World. So much more could have been done with him, to flesh him into a fully believable villain or even antihero. I would love if the whole thing was told from his point of view. We get glimpses of his backstory and thought process, which only proves that he's wasted potential. I still get a little shiver down my spine when I recall that scene where he's practicing dark magic in his evil lair and "talking" to Iago.
But the book decides to go the "crazy villain" route. He's evil because he's nuts. Thank you for fucking up Arabian culture and mental illness perceptions. An ambitious villain is someone I can understand. A crazy villain is cartoonish and cheap.
I mean, honestly. Just look at the stuff they say:
"And evil keeps going around," Aladdin swore angrily, storming out. "There's another way. You don't have to choose this life. You could be something more."
I can just hear an Alan Menken piece in the background. Most books abide by the same moral code, alright? I'm not mad at that. Prodigy or Champion, I don't remember which, has a similar scene where June is rebuking Thomas for being a dick and then compares him to Day, who suffered under pretty similar conditions, but "chose to walk in the light." Same sentiment, different words. (The writing is as nuanced as a crayon drawing, by the way)
But when you combine the good-and-right moral code with everything that's going on, it reinforces its lack of depth. So when Aladdin spits out a line like that, making sure there's an "angrily" there in case I'm too stupid to understand he's pissed, it's laughable. It's childish. It's cheesy.
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We get a bit of grey morality with Rasoul, but that's it. The revolution goes off without a hitch and everyone who isn't Jafar lives happily ever after. The characters never struggled. It just felt like they were going through the motions. I never felt fear for them.
Extra 0.5 star goes to Jasmine gaining a bigger role as the revolution's leader, and the unexpectedly good twist on Jafar's final wish. Didn't see it coming and I give credit where it's due.
Everything else is blech. Just watch the Disney movie. It has catchy tunes and Robin Williams.
I'm sorry, Raven Boys. Truly, I am. This is obviously a case of "it's not you, it's me".
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You had so much going for you. Glowing recommendations I'm sorry, Raven Boys. Truly, I am. This is obviously a case of "it's not you, it's me".
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You had so much going for you. Glowing recommendations from trusted reviewers, a unique plot with minimum focus on if-I-kiss-my-true-love-he'll-kick-it angst, zero slut-shaming or other problematic issues common in YA.
But you were in the wrong hands.
Julie Kagawa would've made me commit to a Raven Boy (Gansey, Adam, Ronan, and Noah) instead of merely feeling lackluster interest. Wisecracks would've been flying out of the Thunderdome.
Marie Lu would've solved the pacing issue lickity-split and have me reading well into night, heart pounding in anticipation. What's going to happen next? Will Gansey find the ley line (an invisible path of energy) and the Welsh version of sleeping King Arthur? Will they kiss?
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Leah Raeder would've pricked her finger and bled rainbow over your pages, turning your dull, wishy-washy prose into gold. Lyrical without the purple.
Alas, you were ruined by dreamy Laini Taylor prose. Its timeless quality makes you feel like you've been reading it forever. And ever. And ever.
The big plot twist felt about as climatic as opening a can of tuna. There's no sense of urgency, no reason to keep me turning pages. (view spoiler)[Even the police investigation into Ronan's death feels like an afterthought. (hide spoiler)] I was more than halfway through before finally finding out why Gansey's looking for an ancient Welsh king.
As for the kiss-and-die plot point, perhaps I'm getting old, but I can think of loads of other things to do other than kiss.
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Kiss through a mask! Make like Eskimos and rub noses! There are so many loopholes to this rule, it seems pointless.
Consider this our official break-up. I suffered through Lament: The Faerie Queen's Deception, I earned a permanent hand-shaped mark on my forehead through Shiver, I lowered my barriers for Raven Boys and got literary insomnia pills in return.
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