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Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone
Named one of "22 new books…that you should consider reading before the year is out" by Fortune
A research-based, practical guide for how to handle difficult people at work.
Work relationships can be hard. The stress of dealing with difficult people dampens our creativity and productivity, degrades our ability to think clearly and make sound decisions, and causes us to disengage. We might lie awake at night worrying, withdraw from work, or react in ways we later regret—rolling our eyes in a meeting, snapping at colleagues, or staying silent when we should speak up.
Too often we grin and bear it as if we have no choice. Or throw up our hands because one-size-fits-all solutions haven't worked. But you can only endure so much thoughtless, irrational, or malicious behavior—there's your sanity to consider, and your career.
In Getting Along, workplace expert and Harvard Business Review podcast host Amy Gallo identifies eight familiar types of difficult coworkers—the insecure boss, the passive-aggressive peer, the know-it-all, the biased coworker, and others—and provides strategies tailored to dealing constructively with each one. She also shares principles that will help you turn things around, no matter who you're at odds with. Taking the high road isn't easy, but Gallo offers a crucial perspective on how work relationships really matter, as well as the compassion, encouragement, and tools you need to prevail—on your terms. She answers questions such as: Why can't I stop thinking about that nasty email?! What's behind my problem colleague's behavior? How can I fix things if they won't cooperate? I've tried everything—what now?
Full of relatable, sometimes cringe-worthy examples, the latest behavioral science research, and practical advice you can use right now, Getting Along is an indispensable guide to navigating your toughest relationships at work—and building interpersonal resilience in the process.
A research-based, practical guide for how to handle difficult people at work.
Work relationships can be hard. The stress of dealing with difficult people dampens our creativity and productivity, degrades our ability to think clearly and make sound decisions, and causes us to disengage. We might lie awake at night worrying, withdraw from work, or react in ways we later regret—rolling our eyes in a meeting, snapping at colleagues, or staying silent when we should speak up.
Too often we grin and bear it as if we have no choice. Or throw up our hands because one-size-fits-all solutions haven't worked. But you can only endure so much thoughtless, irrational, or malicious behavior—there's your sanity to consider, and your career.
In Getting Along, workplace expert and Harvard Business Review podcast host Amy Gallo identifies eight familiar types of difficult coworkers—the insecure boss, the passive-aggressive peer, the know-it-all, the biased coworker, and others—and provides strategies tailored to dealing constructively with each one. She also shares principles that will help you turn things around, no matter who you're at odds with. Taking the high road isn't easy, but Gallo offers a crucial perspective on how work relationships really matter, as well as the compassion, encouragement, and tools you need to prevail—on your terms. She answers questions such as: Why can't I stop thinking about that nasty email?! What's behind my problem colleague's behavior? How can I fix things if they won't cooperate? I've tried everything—what now?
Full of relatable, sometimes cringe-worthy examples, the latest behavioral science research, and practical advice you can use right now, Getting Along is an indispensable guide to navigating your toughest relationships at work—and building interpersonal resilience in the process.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published September 13, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 79 reviews
September 16, 2022
Hmm...I have mixed feelings about this book. Getting Along is super straightforward, and at times, felt like it needed a lot more nuance than just placing different types of people in different buckets. I like the idea but the execution left me wishing for me.
All it all, this was just okay! Some people might like the clear direction this one goes but I like a little more gray in my life...especially when looking at the complexities of interacting with others.
Thank you to Harvard Business Review Press for my gifted copy to read and review.
All it all, this was just okay! Some people might like the clear direction this one goes but I like a little more gray in my life...especially when looking at the complexities of interacting with others.
Thank you to Harvard Business Review Press for my gifted copy to read and review.
January 3, 2023
Some great stuff in here - humanizing difficult coworkers, constructive and practical advice, compassionate analysis of why people act the way they do... unfortunately these bits are obscured and diluted by imprecise and anemic corporate HR jargon (typical of Harvard Business Review). Could have been cut in half.
I was hoping for more advice on understanding and working through difficult workplace dynamics, but a lot of the book came off as "here's how to manipulate X type of coworker to get ahead." Not what I signed up for.
Worth reading the first and last thirds, skip the middle and just look at the appendix.
I was hoping for more advice on understanding and working through difficult workplace dynamics, but a lot of the book came off as "here's how to manipulate X type of coworker to get ahead." Not what I signed up for.
Worth reading the first and last thirds, skip the middle and just look at the appendix.
November 8, 2022
The focus of this book isn’t truly on difficult people, but people in general and how to work with different personalities. It has useful tips to identify the various archetypes and deal with their quirks.
July 29, 2023
I can see how some of her points could be useful--I just felt like I was being told to revert to the appeaser role I held as the daughter of an abusive man. No can do. I will continue treating people with respect and not jumping at conflict like a buffet in front of Tom Hanks after his time on the island but let me tell you, your ego is not my job.
One point I did like was checking my inner narrative. I can definitely increase the space and time between inputs and the story I choose to tell myself.
One point I did like was checking my inner narrative. I can definitely increase the space and time between inputs and the story I choose to tell myself.
June 21, 2022
I'm sure this will help some readers. It's yet another book about putting people in buckets and then using that as a basis for interacting with them. It can be very helpful. It's just not what I was seeking. There are some very effective ideas here, so read some other review before you make a decision about this one.
Thanks very much for the free ARC for review!!
Thanks very much for the free ARC for review!!
Read
July 25, 2023A handbook for dealing people difficult people at work
Probably the best book on this topic. Very candid and readable. It helps to know that others are facing similar challenges and are not dealing with it perfectly. And there are a few general guidelines for dealing with different types of difficult people. Lastly, don’t forget to take care of yourself and perhaps don’t give too much a fu*k sometimes.
Probably the best book on this topic. Very candid and readable. It helps to know that others are facing similar challenges and are not dealing with it perfectly. And there are a few general guidelines for dealing with different types of difficult people. Lastly, don’t forget to take care of yourself and perhaps don’t give too much a fu*k sometimes.
January 5, 2023
One of the few good books on the topic. A good balance between theory and practical advice. Talks from both personal perspectives, as well as an advisor. A bit lengthy but great overall!
Regarding the "bucketing," - it felt more natural here, more of a guide on distinguishing behaviors. It was mentioned numerous times people rarely fit into one type and are more often mixed. Also, the end of the book was more general, also focusing on your personal actions and self-care.
Regarding the "bucketing," - it felt more natural here, more of a guide on distinguishing behaviors. It was mentioned numerous times people rarely fit into one type and are more often mixed. Also, the end of the book was more general, also focusing on your personal actions and self-care.
September 27, 2022
Amy Gallo has written an excellent book on the difficult people you may encounter at work. It provides great psychological insight into why people act as they do and good criteria for whether you should do anything about it. I particularly liked the page of phrases to use with different kinds of people as well as the bulleted chapter summaries at the end.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who has had to deal with difficult characters at work…that is to say, I recommend it to everyone who works.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who has had to deal with difficult characters at work…that is to say, I recommend it to everyone who works.
April 2, 2023
It was ok but miles more grounded in science and humility than the Swedish success saga Surrounded by idiots. A NoK my friend Oskar Henrikson likes to bash on. He’s the same psychologist who enters fame by vinterbada for 100 days straight. What a time to be alive!
Back to the book: read and article about it instead.
Back to the book: read and article about it instead.
December 20, 2022
Lots of good tips for how to approach conversations with people of different styles, but could have all been said in a 10 minute article. Don't ask people where they are from because it is an inappropriate question for coworkers, apparently.
February 21, 2024
We all know the challenging colleagues you have to work with. This book identifies different types and suggests ways of dealing with them. I had the feeling that I was reading more of a handbook, a book that I can take out again when I need to. That's definitely what it's for. And it will certainly be a first aid at the time.
June 12, 2023
Great practical guide that offers realistic and compassionate (for self and others!) strategies. I enjoyed it.
May 4, 2023
This was so practical and great I bought several copies to share with co-workers.
Read
November 30, 2022Getting Along (2022) describes the importance of workplace interactions and their effects on productivity and creativity.
Amy Gallo is a contributing editor at Harvard Business Review. She is the author of the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict and a cohost of HBR’s Women at Work podcast. Her articles have been collected in dozens of books on emotional intelligence, giving and receiving feedback, time management, and leadership. As a sought-after speaker and facilitator, Gallo has helped thousands of leaders deal with conflict more effectively and navigate complicated workplace dynamics. She is a graduate of Yale University and holds a master’s from Brown University.
---
How a work frenemy can be your career’s biggest problem – or an asset.
Think of your work bestie. They might be the person who grabs an extra caffe latte for you on their way to the office, or they might be privy to all your in-law drama. Whatever it is that makes this person special, your close relationships are key to elevating a plain old nine-to-five to something you look forward to, that motivates and inspires you, and makes you look forward to coming to work every day.
Positive, supportive work relationships can help you become more creative, more productive, and happier, while negative workplace environments can reduce the quality of your work and life. In this very book, you’ll learn how to manage your relationships and how to keep work a place you enjoy.
---
Workplace relationships strongly impact your work life, productivity, and happiness.
It might be a reasonable assumption that a Fortune 500 executive in a corner office has a better, happier work experience than someone toiling away on, say, a factory floor for minimum wage. Or maybe you’d make the safe bet that an aid worker for an inspirational social justice organization comes home feeling more joy and satisfaction than a fast-food worker.
Not so fast.
If that executive is surrounded by aggressive, hostile coworkers in a dog-eat-dog environment, but the factory worker has at least three good friends they enjoy joking with daily, the exact opposite could be true.
If that fast-food worker is supported by a caring boss while the aid worker’s ideas are constantly appropriated by their manager, handing fries out through a drive-through window may indeed be more rewarding work than addressing poverty.
When it comes to job satisfaction, workers in mundane jobs can feel just as satisfied and fulfilled as those with inspiring jobs. And just what is the secret to a satisfying work life? Salary and benefits matter, of course, but the most important factor for a satisfying work life might be plain old-fashioned social connections.
Here’s an interesting study that examined the effect of supportive people. Two groups were taken to the base of a hill, one group with solo climbers and the other group with paired-up climbers. Each person was given a heavy backpack and asked to estimate how steep the hill in front of them was. Those who were paired up overwhelmingly estimated a gentler, more doable climb than the ones who faced the prospect alone.
The opposite holds true as well. Studies show that those who are unhappy at work due to work relationships said they deliberately work less or less well. During the COVID-19 pandemic, one study found that people who reported being less productive also felt less connected.
In extreme situations, dealing with unpleasant or hostile work environments can even have a detrimental effect on your health. In one study, couples were separated into two groups. One group contained couples that fought a lot while the other had pairs who reported strong, supportive relationships. Tiny cuts were made on the participants’ skin. Those who were in the happier relationships actually healed faster!
You’re actually wired to be affected by how you’re treated by others. When your manager berates you in front of your colleagues, or you find out a coworker trashed your project behind your back, your brain feels like you were physically attacked. Your amygdala –an almond-shaped area in your brain – releases cortisol and adrenaline, fight-or-flight hormones that can lead to physical manifestations such as shallow breathing or a clenched jaw. Not fun – and in the long run, detrimental to your career.
So what should you do if you are trapped in a workplace with less-than-ideal relationships?
---
Managing negative interactions can help you coexist with difficult coworkers.
Austrian psychiatrist and holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl famously said: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
So let’s enter that space. First, observe your reactions. Let’s say you made a presentation and you’re upset because a coworker shrugged rather than clapped. You leave angrily because you feel like you bombed your presentation. But did you bomb it? Or are you operating from negativity bias, where you focus only on the one bad thing that happened even though several good things may also have occurred? Maybe you were so intent on the one negative reaction that you failed to take into account another coworker who nodded and smiled, or yet another who enthusiastically wrote down notes the whole time you talked.
Reappraise the situation to which you’re reacting. Can you view it through a more positive or at least neutral filter? Reframe it as a challenge rather than a threat?
If you still come back to the realization that unpleasant work relationships exist and are impacting your career and life, then it’s time to deal with it. Here’s how:
First of all, identify the difficult people – the passive-aggressive manager or relentlessly negative coworker – and avoid them as much as possible. Remove yourself from their orbit by turning down social invitations and choosing to email them rather than conducting face-to-face conversations.
If interacting with them is unavoidable, start documenting things. Write down details of conversations and interactions so you can identify and track patterns of behavior.
What not to do? Don’t shame others, retaliate, or suppress your feelings.
Instead, control what you can control. Create a microculture that reflects your values. Reach out to people who think like you and whose company you enjoy, those who support you and give you positive vibes. Do things outside work with people you like. Have compassion for yourself.
---
Maybe you’ve tried everything we mentioned in the book, but you still feel oppressed and unhappy at work.
Well, if the time has come to leave, do so with your head held high, but make sure you have a good option in front of you. Don’t run to get away from your problems. Instead, run toward something better.
Amy Gallo is a contributing editor at Harvard Business Review. She is the author of the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict and a cohost of HBR’s Women at Work podcast. Her articles have been collected in dozens of books on emotional intelligence, giving and receiving feedback, time management, and leadership. As a sought-after speaker and facilitator, Gallo has helped thousands of leaders deal with conflict more effectively and navigate complicated workplace dynamics. She is a graduate of Yale University and holds a master’s from Brown University.
---
How a work frenemy can be your career’s biggest problem – or an asset.
Think of your work bestie. They might be the person who grabs an extra caffe latte for you on their way to the office, or they might be privy to all your in-law drama. Whatever it is that makes this person special, your close relationships are key to elevating a plain old nine-to-five to something you look forward to, that motivates and inspires you, and makes you look forward to coming to work every day.
Positive, supportive work relationships can help you become more creative, more productive, and happier, while negative workplace environments can reduce the quality of your work and life. In this very book, you’ll learn how to manage your relationships and how to keep work a place you enjoy.
---
Workplace relationships strongly impact your work life, productivity, and happiness.
It might be a reasonable assumption that a Fortune 500 executive in a corner office has a better, happier work experience than someone toiling away on, say, a factory floor for minimum wage. Or maybe you’d make the safe bet that an aid worker for an inspirational social justice organization comes home feeling more joy and satisfaction than a fast-food worker.
Not so fast.
If that executive is surrounded by aggressive, hostile coworkers in a dog-eat-dog environment, but the factory worker has at least three good friends they enjoy joking with daily, the exact opposite could be true.
If that fast-food worker is supported by a caring boss while the aid worker’s ideas are constantly appropriated by their manager, handing fries out through a drive-through window may indeed be more rewarding work than addressing poverty.
When it comes to job satisfaction, workers in mundane jobs can feel just as satisfied and fulfilled as those with inspiring jobs. And just what is the secret to a satisfying work life? Salary and benefits matter, of course, but the most important factor for a satisfying work life might be plain old-fashioned social connections.
Here’s an interesting study that examined the effect of supportive people. Two groups were taken to the base of a hill, one group with solo climbers and the other group with paired-up climbers. Each person was given a heavy backpack and asked to estimate how steep the hill in front of them was. Those who were paired up overwhelmingly estimated a gentler, more doable climb than the ones who faced the prospect alone.
The opposite holds true as well. Studies show that those who are unhappy at work due to work relationships said they deliberately work less or less well. During the COVID-19 pandemic, one study found that people who reported being less productive also felt less connected.
In extreme situations, dealing with unpleasant or hostile work environments can even have a detrimental effect on your health. In one study, couples were separated into two groups. One group contained couples that fought a lot while the other had pairs who reported strong, supportive relationships. Tiny cuts were made on the participants’ skin. Those who were in the happier relationships actually healed faster!
You’re actually wired to be affected by how you’re treated by others. When your manager berates you in front of your colleagues, or you find out a coworker trashed your project behind your back, your brain feels like you were physically attacked. Your amygdala –an almond-shaped area in your brain – releases cortisol and adrenaline, fight-or-flight hormones that can lead to physical manifestations such as shallow breathing or a clenched jaw. Not fun – and in the long run, detrimental to your career.
So what should you do if you are trapped in a workplace with less-than-ideal relationships?
---
Managing negative interactions can help you coexist with difficult coworkers.
Austrian psychiatrist and holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl famously said: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
So let’s enter that space. First, observe your reactions. Let’s say you made a presentation and you’re upset because a coworker shrugged rather than clapped. You leave angrily because you feel like you bombed your presentation. But did you bomb it? Or are you operating from negativity bias, where you focus only on the one bad thing that happened even though several good things may also have occurred? Maybe you were so intent on the one negative reaction that you failed to take into account another coworker who nodded and smiled, or yet another who enthusiastically wrote down notes the whole time you talked.
Reappraise the situation to which you’re reacting. Can you view it through a more positive or at least neutral filter? Reframe it as a challenge rather than a threat?
If you still come back to the realization that unpleasant work relationships exist and are impacting your career and life, then it’s time to deal with it. Here’s how:
First of all, identify the difficult people – the passive-aggressive manager or relentlessly negative coworker – and avoid them as much as possible. Remove yourself from their orbit by turning down social invitations and choosing to email them rather than conducting face-to-face conversations.
If interacting with them is unavoidable, start documenting things. Write down details of conversations and interactions so you can identify and track patterns of behavior.
What not to do? Don’t shame others, retaliate, or suppress your feelings.
Instead, control what you can control. Create a microculture that reflects your values. Reach out to people who think like you and whose company you enjoy, those who support you and give you positive vibes. Do things outside work with people you like. Have compassion for yourself.
---
Maybe you’ve tried everything we mentioned in the book, but you still feel oppressed and unhappy at work.
Well, if the time has come to leave, do so with your head held high, but make sure you have a good option in front of you. Don’t run to get away from your problems. Instead, run toward something better.
May 17, 2024
Summary:
It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.
I read this book because I find managers get to me.
But here’s the thing: if they get to me, am I going to be my best self? Probably not.
Am I going to slip up and be passive aggressive or a know-it-all?
Probably, yes – I notice myself doing it unintentionally as I let the stressor get to me.
I didn’t read the whole book which focuses on 8 archetypes for difficult relationships at work: the insecure boss, the pessimist, the victim, the passive aggressive peer, the know-it-all, the tormentor, the biased co-worker, the political operator.
Generalising people is an approach I do not like as it labels them; I prefer to separate the person from their behaviour.
Reading how to manage individual personalities over a whole chapter is a bit painful—almost like spending time with those people. I may return to the archetype chapters in the future as and when I encounter those specific behaviours.
Where I found the book got through to me was the more generalist chapters about why relationships at work matter, cleaning up your side of the street, managing your own emotions, and strategizing your future.
One line massively resonated with me:
That sums it up.
Gallo advocates a series of actions to improve those relationships, but ultimately the end goal is to preserve both inner- and interpersonal-peace until you can move on.
The interim measures are emotional labour and spending a whole book on individual strategies feels like work which is why I kept putting it off.
What I really enjoyed were the 9 general principles for getting along with anyone.
Nine principles for getting along:
First, focus on what you can control.
No one is going to change because you want them to. You can be direct with your needs if you are respectful, and you can invest more time and energy in improving the dynamic. But they will only change if and when they want to.
Second, your perspective is just your perspective.
You won't agree on facts rehashing the past.
You need a path forward with someone, not a shared worldview.
Third, be aware of your biases.
Fourth, don’t make it you against them.
This was a revelatory idea for me: in every situation, there is you, them, and the dynamic.
Separate yourself and themselves from your interpersonal dynamic.
You can both be good people who have a terrible dynamic with each other for all sorts of reasonable and understandable reasons.
Knowing that, you can work on a better dynamic or a path forward.
Applies to any sort of interpersonal relationship, not just work.
Five, rely on empathy to see things differently.
Where are they coming from? What pressures are they under?
You don’t have to agree, but you can appreciate and understand.
Six, know your goal.
A good relationship?
Respect until you move on?
Not feeling frustrated?
Seven, avoid gossip, mostly.
Gossip creates an in-group, fosters confirmation bias, and reflects poorly on you as people will wonder how you talk about them behind their back.
Have friends that challenge your perspective while having your best interest at heart.
Eight, experiment to find what works.
I think this is where I felt passive aggression was a serious problem of mine in coping with people that I have found too challenging.
I am not straightforward because I feel that if I reveal how frustrated I feel by someone’s behaviour I will be actively hostile.
The key challenge is to find the right spot on a spectrum where you are being straightforward but still casual, respectful and warm.
Nine, stay curious.
Have they changed?
Have you changed?
Alternative strategies, failing ones, and looking after yourself:
A validating quote, saying it’s OK to move on:
Also try ‘job crafting’ where you change the tasks, collaborators or perspective in your current role.
I do both and they make me feel a lot better.
Here’s what doesn’t work:
Supressing your emotions. It will lead to stewing, excessive venting to friends, or passive aggression. Also, emotional leakage: it’ll come out somehow, and people will sense it.
Here’s how to take care of yourself:
Focus on what you can control. Create a micro-culture with people you like. Cultivate a great life outside of work. Grow your interpersonal resilience. Try to care less. Accept the situation as you work towards changing it.
Personal reflection:
Word association for each of my previous managers:
—idiot, liar
—so cool, bright
—warm, not so smart
—I respect them but absent
—annoying, dumb, ill, ugly, weird, fearful, reliant on digital communication
—hate
—mean, funny
—one of the best humans I’ve ever met, probably the biggest mistake of my career moving on, warm, inviting, bright, reserved, dryly funny, balanced, healthy, family-orientated, compassionate, calm, quietly confident, understanding
—don’t message me at 9pm! Marxist.
—exceptionally warm and kind but not smart, blind to their bias
—uninviting, unhelpful
—bluster, hot air
—gross
—listened, organised, but put me in a shit situation which I now interpret as disrespect and disregard
—listened but disorganised and poor team communicator
—incredibly generous and invested in developing people
Now think, if that’s how I felt, how was I behaving with them?
Was I my best self?
So what should I do going forward?
—Move on.
—Focus on your goals, not them.
—Don’t think of them as an authority figure.
—Challenge any sense of subjugation.
—Think of them as a teacher, move on if they have nothing to teach.
—Replace frustration with a productive feeling: confidence, ambition.
—Maintain respect so that after I move on I can still say hello.
—Do not accept jobs with someone you do not admire or respect.
—Find people you can collaborate with in-person.
—Bring out the best in each other.
It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.
I read this book because I find managers get to me.
But here’s the thing: if they get to me, am I going to be my best self? Probably not.
Am I going to slip up and be passive aggressive or a know-it-all?
Probably, yes – I notice myself doing it unintentionally as I let the stressor get to me.
I didn’t read the whole book which focuses on 8 archetypes for difficult relationships at work: the insecure boss, the pessimist, the victim, the passive aggressive peer, the know-it-all, the tormentor, the biased co-worker, the political operator.
Generalising people is an approach I do not like as it labels them; I prefer to separate the person from their behaviour.
Reading how to manage individual personalities over a whole chapter is a bit painful—almost like spending time with those people. I may return to the archetype chapters in the future as and when I encounter those specific behaviours.
Where I found the book got through to me was the more generalist chapters about why relationships at work matter, cleaning up your side of the street, managing your own emotions, and strategizing your future.
One line massively resonated with me:
“I wasn’t hoping we’d be friends, but I also didn’t want to cringe whenever I saw her name pop up on my phone.”
That sums it up.
Gallo advocates a series of actions to improve those relationships, but ultimately the end goal is to preserve both inner- and interpersonal-peace until you can move on.
The interim measures are emotional labour and spending a whole book on individual strategies feels like work which is why I kept putting it off.
What I really enjoyed were the 9 general principles for getting along with anyone.
Nine principles for getting along:
First, focus on what you can control.
No one is going to change because you want them to. You can be direct with your needs if you are respectful, and you can invest more time and energy in improving the dynamic. But they will only change if and when they want to.
Second, your perspective is just your perspective.
You won't agree on facts rehashing the past.
You need a path forward with someone, not a shared worldview.
Third, be aware of your biases.
Fourth, don’t make it you against them.
This was a revelatory idea for me: in every situation, there is you, them, and the dynamic.
Separate yourself and themselves from your interpersonal dynamic.
You can both be good people who have a terrible dynamic with each other for all sorts of reasonable and understandable reasons.
Knowing that, you can work on a better dynamic or a path forward.
Applies to any sort of interpersonal relationship, not just work.
Five, rely on empathy to see things differently.
Where are they coming from? What pressures are they under?
You don’t have to agree, but you can appreciate and understand.
Six, know your goal.
A good relationship?
Respect until you move on?
Not feeling frustrated?
Seven, avoid gossip, mostly.
Gossip creates an in-group, fosters confirmation bias, and reflects poorly on you as people will wonder how you talk about them behind their back.
Have friends that challenge your perspective while having your best interest at heart.
Eight, experiment to find what works.
I think this is where I felt passive aggression was a serious problem of mine in coping with people that I have found too challenging.
I am not straightforward because I feel that if I reveal how frustrated I feel by someone’s behaviour I will be actively hostile.
The key challenge is to find the right spot on a spectrum where you are being straightforward but still casual, respectful and warm.
Nine, stay curious.
Have they changed?
Have you changed?
Alternative strategies, failing ones, and looking after yourself:
A validating quote, saying it’s OK to move on:
“If your boss is the problem, you might apply for jobs in other departments; start by cultivating a broader network in the organisation and connecting with people on teams you may want to join.”
Also try ‘job crafting’ where you change the tasks, collaborators or perspective in your current role.
I do both and they make me feel a lot better.
Here’s what doesn’t work:
Supressing your emotions. It will lead to stewing, excessive venting to friends, or passive aggression. Also, emotional leakage: it’ll come out somehow, and people will sense it.
Here’s how to take care of yourself:
Focus on what you can control. Create a micro-culture with people you like. Cultivate a great life outside of work. Grow your interpersonal resilience. Try to care less. Accept the situation as you work towards changing it.
The ability to confidently and calmly navigate friction with other people isn't just a work skill; it's a life skill. We often disagree, and that's OK. As long as we do it with respect, compassion, and kindness, it can lead to new ideas, stronger bonds, and a refreshing level of candor. Isn't that what we all want?
Personal reflection:
Word association for each of my previous managers:
—idiot, liar
—so cool, bright
—warm, not so smart
—I respect them but absent
—annoying, dumb, ill, ugly, weird, fearful, reliant on digital communication
—hate
—mean, funny
—one of the best humans I’ve ever met, probably the biggest mistake of my career moving on, warm, inviting, bright, reserved, dryly funny, balanced, healthy, family-orientated, compassionate, calm, quietly confident, understanding
—don’t message me at 9pm! Marxist.
—exceptionally warm and kind but not smart, blind to their bias
—uninviting, unhelpful
—bluster, hot air
—gross
—listened, organised, but put me in a shit situation which I now interpret as disrespect and disregard
—listened but disorganised and poor team communicator
—incredibly generous and invested in developing people
Now think, if that’s how I felt, how was I behaving with them?
Was I my best self?
So what should I do going forward?
—Move on.
—Focus on your goals, not them.
—Don’t think of them as an authority figure.
—Challenge any sense of subjugation.
—Think of them as a teacher, move on if they have nothing to teach.
—Replace frustration with a productive feeling: confidence, ambition.
—Maintain respect so that after I move on I can still say hello.
—Do not accept jobs with someone you do not admire or respect.
—Find people you can collaborate with in-person.
—Bring out the best in each other.
June 21, 2022
I am not one who believes a lot in “type”s of personality such as the MBTI. This book is actually about 8 archetypes of difficult personalities you will find at work. In that sense I was not impressed, but since this is a genuine problem we all will face in the workplace on a daily basis, it seemed to help. No one will fit neatly into one type and Amy admits that clearly - which makes me more comfortable believing in these types.
Another interesting side effect which looking at possible archetypes of my difficult colleagues was my own ‘type’ - I could see myself as being one of the few types and in that sense a side effect of this book was introspection about how I may be a difficult person to get along with, for others.
I liked how Amy has detailed each archetype - with a lead story and then delve into details of the type, the root causes of such personality, and then how to deal with them, finally closing with what happened next in the lead story. Each of these sections are well articulated and researched, She candidly also admits many of these solutions will not work. A summary chapter on the 8 archetypes and how to identify your colleagues type will be helpful for sure.
I think this book is a very practical handbook on how to deal with people at work and I would be highly recommending it to my students in the organizational behaviour class.
Another interesting side effect which looking at possible archetypes of my difficult colleagues was my own ‘type’ - I could see myself as being one of the few types and in that sense a side effect of this book was introspection about how I may be a difficult person to get along with, for others.
I liked how Amy has detailed each archetype - with a lead story and then delve into details of the type, the root causes of such personality, and then how to deal with them, finally closing with what happened next in the lead story. Each of these sections are well articulated and researched, She candidly also admits many of these solutions will not work. A summary chapter on the 8 archetypes and how to identify your colleagues type will be helpful for sure.
I think this book is a very practical handbook on how to deal with people at work and I would be highly recommending it to my students in the organizational behaviour class.
June 26, 2022
Relationships are key in personal and professional life. This book provides a summary of archetypes of people that are difficult to deal with as we as helps to gind a way around such relationships. There is plenty of useful information, life examples and great advice.
November 27, 2022
Amy Gallo is not a strong writer.
The writing has experiential aspects including Amy’s own experiences which make me doubt her credibility, especially the way she judges others and how her thought process works. If Amy reads this comment, please work on your own mind before you try to help others via book writing and make money off of it.
I do not recommend the book.
The writing has experiential aspects including Amy’s own experiences which make me doubt her credibility, especially the way she judges others and how her thought process works. If Amy reads this comment, please work on your own mind before you try to help others via book writing and make money off of it.
I do not recommend the book.
November 30, 2022
The new bible for improving your relationships.
Caveat: If you’re already well versed in human psychology or the behaviour of people it may not tell you anything new, although I still find it is a good reminder for anyone struggling. If you’re someone new to this space, a new manager or you are finding work relationships difficult definitely *read this book!*
I absolutely loved this book! I listened via Audible as I mostly do with professional/personal development content and Amy’s calming, logical tones accompanied me through many morning dog walks. We all have relationships in our lives that challenge us and often these are within our workplace. All too often I see people failing to “get along” because they are expecting the other person to be exactly like them. This book provides tangible advice, useful phrases and science backed research on how you can resolve your relationship woes at work.
Not everyone makes best friends at work but we should all be able to connect and collaborate, having positive experiences. Research shows that without them we are less productive, creative and fulfilled in our work.
Amy breaks down a number of key archetypes that you are sure to have come across or may well in the future. Each chapter has examples from real people, advice and thoughts, research and hard science to back up the advice and what I really enjoyed is that Amy also challenges your thinking as the reader. We all have our biases and these are enhanced when we are frustrated or upset. How often have you thought that someone was out to get you at work but not stopped to wonder why they had done the thing that annoyed you? To question whether they were feeling threatened or exposed?
The truth is we can’t control other people and their reactions and this book is not claiming we can. It does show that we can control our own responses to others’ behaviour and live in greater peace with ourselves.
Some of my favourite quotes:
“You can’t avoid relationships at work. Professional connections make or break your experience on the job”
“It’s in our relationships that we find the emotional sustenance we need, to thrive.”
“A group of researchers asked people wearing heavy backpacks at the base of a hill to guess how steep it was. Those who were with a friend, estimated lower than those who were alone”
“If getting along with your colleague depends entirely on your ability to convince them to become a different person, you’re taking a big risk”
Fully recommend - I will be telling every manager and people professional I know to read this book!
Caveat: If you’re already well versed in human psychology or the behaviour of people it may not tell you anything new, although I still find it is a good reminder for anyone struggling. If you’re someone new to this space, a new manager or you are finding work relationships difficult definitely *read this book!*
I absolutely loved this book! I listened via Audible as I mostly do with professional/personal development content and Amy’s calming, logical tones accompanied me through many morning dog walks. We all have relationships in our lives that challenge us and often these are within our workplace. All too often I see people failing to “get along” because they are expecting the other person to be exactly like them. This book provides tangible advice, useful phrases and science backed research on how you can resolve your relationship woes at work.
Not everyone makes best friends at work but we should all be able to connect and collaborate, having positive experiences. Research shows that without them we are less productive, creative and fulfilled in our work.
Amy breaks down a number of key archetypes that you are sure to have come across or may well in the future. Each chapter has examples from real people, advice and thoughts, research and hard science to back up the advice and what I really enjoyed is that Amy also challenges your thinking as the reader. We all have our biases and these are enhanced when we are frustrated or upset. How often have you thought that someone was out to get you at work but not stopped to wonder why they had done the thing that annoyed you? To question whether they were feeling threatened or exposed?
The truth is we can’t control other people and their reactions and this book is not claiming we can. It does show that we can control our own responses to others’ behaviour and live in greater peace with ourselves.
Some of my favourite quotes:
“You can’t avoid relationships at work. Professional connections make or break your experience on the job”
“It’s in our relationships that we find the emotional sustenance we need, to thrive.”
“A group of researchers asked people wearing heavy backpacks at the base of a hill to guess how steep it was. Those who were with a friend, estimated lower than those who were alone”
“If getting along with your colleague depends entirely on your ability to convince them to become a different person, you’re taking a big risk”
Fully recommend - I will be telling every manager and people professional I know to read this book!
February 13, 2023
As Stevo’s Novel Ideas, I am a long-time book reviewer, member of the media, an Influencer, and a content provider. I received this book as a free review copy from either the publisher, a publicist, or the author, and have not been otherwise compensated for reviewing or recommending it. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
This book was Stevo's Business Book of the Week for the week of 2/12, as selected by Stevo's Book Reviews on the Internet and Stevo's Novel Ideas. A research-based, practical guide for how to handle difficult people at work.
In the post-COVID years, we're increasingly being called back to the office, and guess who are also back... those toxic people we were glad to be free from: bullies, manipulators, foot-draggers, and nay-sayers. And in many cases, they are now even worse.
Amy Gallo's new book is a guide for those who need to get projects completed, deadlines met, and just create a less-stressed work environment. Based on the latest research, Gallo takes us through interactions with eight different types of people and shows us how to handle each one with engagement tips and tactics.
The eight types - Insecure Boss, Pessimist, Victim, Passive-Aggressive Peer, Know-It-All, Tormentor, Biased Co-Worker, and Political Operator - are all well-known to most of us, but Gallo's book is full of new tactics based on the latest research.
As a Political Scientist, I was immediately drawn to the chapters on the Biased Co-Worker and the Political Operator, and found out how much the tactics for whether to report infractions or confront them yourself have changed.
Most impressive is Gallo's positive approach to workplace behavior, asking us to imagine three entities in any conflict: you, your colleague, and the dynamic between you, as well as using collaborative instead of combative visualizations that improve the odds of a satisfying outcome.
Welcome back to work at your workplace! Armed with "Getting Along," you'll not only know how to deal with difficult people, but also how not to be one.
Find more Business Books of the Week on my Goodreads Listopia page at https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/9..., and find many more reviewed and recommended books and products by searching for me on Google.
This book was Stevo's Business Book of the Week for the week of 2/12, as selected by Stevo's Book Reviews on the Internet and Stevo's Novel Ideas. A research-based, practical guide for how to handle difficult people at work.
In the post-COVID years, we're increasingly being called back to the office, and guess who are also back... those toxic people we were glad to be free from: bullies, manipulators, foot-draggers, and nay-sayers. And in many cases, they are now even worse.
Amy Gallo's new book is a guide for those who need to get projects completed, deadlines met, and just create a less-stressed work environment. Based on the latest research, Gallo takes us through interactions with eight different types of people and shows us how to handle each one with engagement tips and tactics.
The eight types - Insecure Boss, Pessimist, Victim, Passive-Aggressive Peer, Know-It-All, Tormentor, Biased Co-Worker, and Political Operator - are all well-known to most of us, but Gallo's book is full of new tactics based on the latest research.
As a Political Scientist, I was immediately drawn to the chapters on the Biased Co-Worker and the Political Operator, and found out how much the tactics for whether to report infractions or confront them yourself have changed.
Most impressive is Gallo's positive approach to workplace behavior, asking us to imagine three entities in any conflict: you, your colleague, and the dynamic between you, as well as using collaborative instead of combative visualizations that improve the odds of a satisfying outcome.
Welcome back to work at your workplace! Armed with "Getting Along," you'll not only know how to deal with difficult people, but also how not to be one.
Find more Business Books of the Week on my Goodreads Listopia page at https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/9..., and find many more reviewed and recommended books and products by searching for me on Google.
March 13, 2023
Within the first lines of this book, I felt seen. She thought she could get along with everyone, then learned the hard way that some difficult relationships with colleagues never resolve.
While this book is mostly directed toward work relationships, it could be applied to any difficult person in your life.
A few notes:
- 70% of variance between low and high performing teams correlated to the quality of team relationships.
- Working with a colleague who is mean to you inhibits your ability to think clearly and creativity.
- Organizations with a passive aggressive culture were about half as profitable as their peers.
- Empathy isn’t letting them off the hook, it’s a tool to nudge them in the right direction.
- Do not feel pressure to respond to every incident. Rather feel empowered to do so when you decide you should.
- Ask what instead of why (what did you mean by that comment instead of why did you say that).
- Grit is overrated when it comes to working with toxic people.
While this book is mostly directed toward work relationships, it could be applied to any difficult person in your life.
A few notes:
- 70% of variance between low and high performing teams correlated to the quality of team relationships.
- Working with a colleague who is mean to you inhibits your ability to think clearly and creativity.
- Organizations with a passive aggressive culture were about half as profitable as their peers.
- Empathy isn’t letting them off the hook, it’s a tool to nudge them in the right direction.
- Do not feel pressure to respond to every incident. Rather feel empowered to do so when you decide you should.
- Ask what instead of why (what did you mean by that comment instead of why did you say that).
- Grit is overrated when it comes to working with toxic people.
May 24, 2023
I picked this book up when browsing at the library. I have had my own experiences with difficult people at work. I also thought it could be helpful to read this for the future. I found this book to be just okay in that it is really more for dealing with low-key annoying people in the workplace. Most people already have full plates at their jobs and while relationship and social skills are important, some of these tactics feel like you would be adding therapist to the workload. I could see many of the suggested phrases backfiring into an attack, not the difficult person being like, "oh, yes, let me change my ways". The author does a good job of not villainizing the different archetypes and having you reflect on yourself as well. But what about the difficult coworker who has the characteristics of every archetype, a truly toxic person? I don't feel that is addressed here except to say you might have to change your tactic based on the day. The last two chapters are about last resorts and self-care.
I would recommend for basic conflict resolution skills.
I would recommend for basic conflict resolution skills.
May 7, 2024
It appears that this book has been rated poorly because it apparently stereotypes people.
Yes, while this book can be used to do that (so don't), the information presented is actually very practical and useful.
The author presents strategies on relating to the following archetypes:
- The Insecure Boss
- The Pessimist
- The Victim
- The Passive-Aggressive Peer
- The Know-It-All
- The Tormentor
- The Biased Coworker
- The Political Operator
These are just archetypes. When I thought of the people I am working with, none fit snugly into these. Yet, the shades of overlap present a reference point to relate better.
I like how each chapter has a section on "Questions to ask yourself". This actually helps to prevent judging/stereotyping.
The section on Phrases To Use is also incredibly helpful as a resource to work out how to communicate better.
I always love books with summaries and the author does this well ending each chapter with a list of do's and don'ts in a section called Tactics to Remember.
A valuable resource!
Yes, while this book can be used to do that (so don't), the information presented is actually very practical and useful.
The author presents strategies on relating to the following archetypes:
- The Insecure Boss
- The Pessimist
- The Victim
- The Passive-Aggressive Peer
- The Know-It-All
- The Tormentor
- The Biased Coworker
- The Political Operator
These are just archetypes. When I thought of the people I am working with, none fit snugly into these. Yet, the shades of overlap present a reference point to relate better.
I like how each chapter has a section on "Questions to ask yourself". This actually helps to prevent judging/stereotyping.
The section on Phrases To Use is also incredibly helpful as a resource to work out how to communicate better.
I always love books with summaries and the author does this well ending each chapter with a list of do's and don'ts in a section called Tactics to Remember.
A valuable resource!
December 6, 2022
I appreciated this book, it is helpful and welcome advice. Even if it’s not easy (mentally and emotionally) to implement these tactics, it’s at least practical and makes sense.
My main wish for this book would be a chapter on getting along with the peer who is terrible at their job/unqualified/makes consistent mistakes. What can be done here?!
My favorite line, perhaps, came right at the end. This thought will certainly get me through some tough situations, at least until she writes that chapter I’m hoping for!
“There’s one other tactic I use to emotionally disengage, and I’ll admit, it’s not the nicest approach, but I find it helpful in the most distressing cases. I remind myself that every morning my challenging coworker has to wake up as themselves - the unpleasant, likely unhappy, person who has made our interactions so fraught. And I get to wake up as me.”
My main wish for this book would be a chapter on getting along with the peer who is terrible at their job/unqualified/makes consistent mistakes. What can be done here?!
My favorite line, perhaps, came right at the end. This thought will certainly get me through some tough situations, at least until she writes that chapter I’m hoping for!
“There’s one other tactic I use to emotionally disengage, and I’ll admit, it’s not the nicest approach, but I find it helpful in the most distressing cases. I remind myself that every morning my challenging coworker has to wake up as themselves - the unpleasant, likely unhappy, person who has made our interactions so fraught. And I get to wake up as me.”
March 25, 2023
The book feels like a longer magazine article series. It floats on the surface and often states obvious facts. I was looking for more introspective deep-dives rather than an attempt at classifying other people in rather one-sided categories. Nevertheless, it was an easy read and well-structured.
My key take-aways:
There is a space between stimulus and response ad there lies our power.
Try reappraising: re-assessing the situation in a more positive or neutral light
Self-doubt is natural & can help grow - but as with everything, it depends on the amount.
Sometimes what we need is a path forward, not a shared worldview.
„When our relationships with people at work are strong, they are a source of energy, support, joy, and growth.“
My key take-aways:
There is a space between stimulus and response ad there lies our power.
Try reappraising: re-assessing the situation in a more positive or neutral light
Self-doubt is natural & can help grow - but as with everything, it depends on the amount.
Sometimes what we need is a path forward, not a shared worldview.
„When our relationships with people at work are strong, they are a source of energy, support, joy, and growth.“
March 20, 2024
This book does a good job raising the stake on how important work relationship is to, not just our career, but also our overall happiness as an individual. After all, most of us spend most of our days and lives at work.
The tips and solutions provided in this book aren't new (for me or some anyway) because, like any conflict, it begins with understanding where the other is coming from. Then, manage yourself in the situation. I do like the examples provided and I'm sure some of us can relate.
And I think sometimes good relationships begin with starting on the right foot from the beginning which sets us up for success. While work relationship is mostly deemed professional, it's always personal.
The tips and solutions provided in this book aren't new (for me or some anyway) because, like any conflict, it begins with understanding where the other is coming from. Then, manage yourself in the situation. I do like the examples provided and I'm sure some of us can relate.
And I think sometimes good relationships begin with starting on the right foot from the beginning which sets us up for success. While work relationship is mostly deemed professional, it's always personal.
March 3, 2023
Take aways:
Give yourself space and time to process incident
Assess your level of stress and selfcare
Frame work as joint effort, alliance
Save compliments in document for when you need a boost
Passive aggressive behavior
Rude emails. Model the behavior you want to see from them.
As I said before…. Reminder noted. Thanks for the recap. Or call, don’t respond
“We must have had a miscommunication”
Remind them that dissent and open debate are welcome. We want to hear your concerns
Vent and emotionally disengage. Work on strategies to not let their behavior impact you emotionally as strongly
Give yourself space and time to process incident
Assess your level of stress and selfcare
Frame work as joint effort, alliance
Save compliments in document for when you need a boost
Passive aggressive behavior
Rude emails. Model the behavior you want to see from them.
As I said before…. Reminder noted. Thanks for the recap. Or call, don’t respond
“We must have had a miscommunication”
Remind them that dissent and open debate are welcome. We want to hear your concerns
Vent and emotionally disengage. Work on strategies to not let their behavior impact you emotionally as strongly
June 10, 2023
My average rating of 3 stars would suggest this is an average book. However, I would recommend this book to anyone having a difficult time getting along with someone else. Gallo brings to light important interrelation topics that create conflict and or stress.
For me personally I had a difficult time absorbing what the author was communicating. Maybe I was in denial about my own style, but more likely It was too much for me to take in - chapter after chapter of difficult personalities. I need more pause to breath within and between topics.
I will likely reflect on and revisit individual chapters next time I find myself confronting oen of the difficult personalties covered here.
For me personally I had a difficult time absorbing what the author was communicating. Maybe I was in denial about my own style, but more likely It was too much for me to take in - chapter after chapter of difficult personalities. I need more pause to breath within and between topics.
I will likely reflect on and revisit individual chapters next time I find myself confronting oen of the difficult personalties covered here.
September 17, 2022
This book is an awesome tool for anyone who wants to make their workplace relationships better. It is based on several archetypes (the passive aggressive, the know it all, etc.) and gives you some advice about how to deal with people having those personalities. It is based on years of research and the author's personal experience. I would recommend anyone (not just leaders) to read it, because it provides many tips and tricks that can quickly be put into action.
Thank you NetGalley and HBR press for the ARC in exchange for my honest review.
Thank you NetGalley and HBR press for the ARC in exchange for my honest review.
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