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Notes on a Silencing: A Memoir
Goodreads Choice Award
Nominee for Best Memoir & Autobiography (2020)A riveting, lucid memoir of a young woman's struggle to regain her sense of self after trauma, and the efforts by a powerful New England boarding school to silence her--at any cost
When the elite St. Paul's School recently came under state investigation after extensive reports of sexual abuse on campus, Lacy Crawford thought she'd put behind her the assault she'd suffered at St. Paul's decades before, when she was fifteen. Still, when detectives asked for victims to come forward, she sent a note.
Her criminal case file reopened, she saw for the first time evidence that corroborated her memories. Here were depictions of the naïve, hard-working girl she'd been, a chorister and debater, the daughter of a priest; of the two senior athletes who assaulted her and were allowed to graduate with awards; and of the faculty, doctors, and priests who had known about Crawford's assault and gone to great lengths to bury it.
Now a wife, mother, and writer living on the other side of the country, Crawford learned that police had uncovered astonishing proof of an institutional silencing years before, and that unnamed powers were still trying to block her case. The slander, innuendo, and lack of adult concern that Crawford had experienced as a student hadn't been imagined as the effects of trauma, after all: these were the actions of a school that prized its reputation above anything, even a child.
This revelation launched Crawford on an extraordinary inquiry into the ways gender, privilege, and power shaped her experience as a girl at the gates of America's elite. Her investigation looks beyond the sprawling playing fields and soaring chapel towers of crucibles of power like St. Paul's, whose reckoning is still to come. And it runs deep into the channels of shame and guilt, witness and silencing, that dictate who can speak and who is heard in American society.
An insightful, mature, beautifully written memoir, Notes on a Silencing is an arresting coming-of-age story that wrestles with an essential question for our time: what telling of a survivor's story will finally force a remedy?
When the elite St. Paul's School recently came under state investigation after extensive reports of sexual abuse on campus, Lacy Crawford thought she'd put behind her the assault she'd suffered at St. Paul's decades before, when she was fifteen. Still, when detectives asked for victims to come forward, she sent a note.
Her criminal case file reopened, she saw for the first time evidence that corroborated her memories. Here were depictions of the naïve, hard-working girl she'd been, a chorister and debater, the daughter of a priest; of the two senior athletes who assaulted her and were allowed to graduate with awards; and of the faculty, doctors, and priests who had known about Crawford's assault and gone to great lengths to bury it.
Now a wife, mother, and writer living on the other side of the country, Crawford learned that police had uncovered astonishing proof of an institutional silencing years before, and that unnamed powers were still trying to block her case. The slander, innuendo, and lack of adult concern that Crawford had experienced as a student hadn't been imagined as the effects of trauma, after all: these were the actions of a school that prized its reputation above anything, even a child.
This revelation launched Crawford on an extraordinary inquiry into the ways gender, privilege, and power shaped her experience as a girl at the gates of America's elite. Her investigation looks beyond the sprawling playing fields and soaring chapel towers of crucibles of power like St. Paul's, whose reckoning is still to come. And it runs deep into the channels of shame and guilt, witness and silencing, that dictate who can speak and who is heard in American society.
An insightful, mature, beautifully written memoir, Notes on a Silencing is an arresting coming-of-age story that wrestles with an essential question for our time: what telling of a survivor's story will finally force a remedy?
400 pages, Hardcover
First published July 7, 2020
About the author
Lacy Crawford
2 books282 followersI'm the author of EARLY DECISION and NOTES ON A SILENCING. I live in Southern California with my family.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,322 reviews
January 12, 2021
2020 Best Books of the Year [#01 of 11]
Twenty-five years after I'd left St. Paul's, a detective with the Concord Police Department sent me the 1990 New Hampshire criminal statutes. The terms for the penetrative events of that night were felonious sexual assault (because I was under sixteen) and aggravated felonious sexual assault (because I was held down). I found some satisfaction in this clarity, but only some. I read the statutes over and over. Nowhere in them does the word rape appear. Legally, in New Hampshire as in many other jurisdictions, there are only degrees of assault - descending levels of violation. This is a marker of evolving jurisprudence, because the legal term rape originated to describe a violation of property, not person, which is why it applied only to intercourse, and only to women.
Twenty-five years after I'd left St. Paul's, a detective with the Concord Police Department sent me the 1990 New Hampshire criminal statutes. The terms for the penetrative events of that night were felonious sexual assault (because I was under sixteen) and aggravated felonious sexual assault (because I was held down). I found some satisfaction in this clarity, but only some. I read the statutes over and over. Nowhere in them does the word rape appear. Legally, in New Hampshire as in many other jurisdictions, there are only degrees of assault - descending levels of violation. This is a marker of evolving jurisprudence, because the legal term rape originated to describe a violation of property, not person, which is why it applied only to intercourse, and only to women.
August 27, 2021
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Notes on a Silencing is a profoundly poignant memoir and a deeply moving account of a young girl’s sexual assault and its aftermath. With clarity and precision, Crawford describes her time at St. Paul's School, an elite boarding school in New Hampshire, where, at the age of fifteen, she was sexually assaulted by two older students, both of whom went unpunished and were able to graduate with awards. The physical violence of the assault is followed by a different kind of violence when the school, more concerned with its own reputation than pursuing the matter, silences her.
Crawford revisits the assault, the months that led up to it and what followed. She recreates the atmosphere and toxic culture of St. Paul’s, a place predominantly attended by the children of WASP families. Although Crawford’s vision of this rarefied world is far from idealistic, she also writes about the friendships she formed at St. Paul’s. Yet, after her assault rumours begin spreading and Crawford is labelled a ‘slut’ and ostracised by her friend and fellow students. Crawford exposes the double standards applied to male and female sexuality that enables victim blaming.
With the pace and tension of a psychological thriller, Crawford revisits these events both through the eyes of the fifteen-year-old and with new adult insight. She details the mental and physical anguish of the assault and its traumatic aftereffects. By showing St. Paul's as a microcosm of society, Crawford reveals the underlining mechanisms that permit systemic abuse of power.
Notes on a Silencing is a gripping and powerful memoir, one that will stay with you long after you finish reading it.
A few quotes:
“The simplest way I can tell the story of my assault is to describe how the boys made me feel I was no longer a person. The first violation was erasure.”
“In bearing witness, we're trying to correct a theft of power via a story. But power and stories, while deeply interconnected, are not the same things. One is rock, the other is water. Over time, long periods of time, water always wins.”
“If one of the great sources of misery for all high schoolers is the illusion that high school will never end, the reach of power implied (and wielded) by the alumni and trustees of St. Paul's School threatened that in our particular case, that nightmare was real.”
“We were people on this earth. This life was all we had. It was all we fucking had, and life, my life, could not be determined by cruelty like this. It could not be allowed to stand.”
“If the first violation of the boys who assaulted me was the way they made me feel erased, it was exactly this injury that the school repeated, and magnified, when it created its own story of the assault. This time the erasure was committed by men whose power over me was socially conferred rather than physically wielded, by men who—some of them—had never ever been in a room with me. They still never have.”
“I did not want to write it because it should not matter, but of course it does, because a girl who is attacked will so often assume the fault lies with her. There is no escaping a primal culpability.”
“When the boys did what they did to me, they denied the third person on that bed. I had no humanity. The impact of this violation only sharpened with time. My careful distinctions of injury and responsibility—the difference I imagined between what they did and rape, between terrible things you should put behind you and truly hellish things no one would expect you to bear—allowed me, for many years, to restore that third person in the room in my mind.”
“I recognized the school’s act, of course. Its precise cruelty, the fanged transformation of private pain into public shame, turned a key in me.”
“Why now?’”A typically defensive question, and I could dismiss it for its insinuation that I had some underhanded motive whose tell was my delay in availing myself of the criminal justice system. I’m not sure what motive that would have been—I wasn’t suing, wasn’t pressing charges. But that wasn’t the point of the question. The question tries to portray the victim as the predator, the one with a clever plan. It aims to throw the whole circumstance on its head.”
“The work of telling is essential, and it is not enough. There is always the danger that the energy of the injustice will exhaust itself in the revelation—that we will be horrified but remain unchanged. The reason for this, I suspect, is that these are stories we all already know. A girl was assaulted. A boy was molested. The producer, the judge, the bishop, the boss. To hear these stories spoken aloud is jarring, but not because it causes us to reconsider who we are and how we are organized. It is only when power is threatened that power responds.”
“It’s so simple, what happened at St. Paul’s. It happens all the time.
First, they refused to believe me. Then they shamed me. Then they silenced me. On balance, if this is a girl’s trajectory from dignity to disappearance, I say it is better to be a slut than to be silent. I believe, in fact, that the slur slut carries within it, Trojan-horse style, silence as its true intent. That the opposite of slut is not virtue but voice.”
“ Consequences were not our concern. The school’s rules were not even called rules—they were formally known as expectations. Here the children of the elite were trained not in right or wrong but in projections of belief.”
Read more reviews on my blog / / / View all my reviews on Goodreads
“The teachers, rectors, lawyers, and priests of St. Paul’s School lied to preserve their legacy. It would take decades to learn not to hate the girl they disparaged, and to give her the words she deserved.”
Notes on a Silencing is a profoundly poignant memoir and a deeply moving account of a young girl’s sexual assault and its aftermath. With clarity and precision, Crawford describes her time at St. Paul's School, an elite boarding school in New Hampshire, where, at the age of fifteen, she was sexually assaulted by two older students, both of whom went unpunished and were able to graduate with awards. The physical violence of the assault is followed by a different kind of violence when the school, more concerned with its own reputation than pursuing the matter, silences her.
Crawford revisits the assault, the months that led up to it and what followed. She recreates the atmosphere and toxic culture of St. Paul’s, a place predominantly attended by the children of WASP families. Although Crawford’s vision of this rarefied world is far from idealistic, she also writes about the friendships she formed at St. Paul’s. Yet, after her assault rumours begin spreading and Crawford is labelled a ‘slut’ and ostracised by her friend and fellow students. Crawford exposes the double standards applied to male and female sexuality that enables victim blaming.
With the pace and tension of a psychological thriller, Crawford revisits these events both through the eyes of the fifteen-year-old and with new adult insight. She details the mental and physical anguish of the assault and its traumatic aftereffects. By showing St. Paul's as a microcosm of society, Crawford reveals the underlining mechanisms that permit systemic abuse of power.
Notes on a Silencing is a gripping and powerful memoir, one that will stay with you long after you finish reading it.
A few quotes:
“The simplest way I can tell the story of my assault is to describe how the boys made me feel I was no longer a person. The first violation was erasure.”
“In bearing witness, we're trying to correct a theft of power via a story. But power and stories, while deeply interconnected, are not the same things. One is rock, the other is water. Over time, long periods of time, water always wins.”
“If one of the great sources of misery for all high schoolers is the illusion that high school will never end, the reach of power implied (and wielded) by the alumni and trustees of St. Paul's School threatened that in our particular case, that nightmare was real.”
“We were people on this earth. This life was all we had. It was all we fucking had, and life, my life, could not be determined by cruelty like this. It could not be allowed to stand.”
“If the first violation of the boys who assaulted me was the way they made me feel erased, it was exactly this injury that the school repeated, and magnified, when it created its own story of the assault. This time the erasure was committed by men whose power over me was socially conferred rather than physically wielded, by men who—some of them—had never ever been in a room with me. They still never have.”
“I did not want to write it because it should not matter, but of course it does, because a girl who is attacked will so often assume the fault lies with her. There is no escaping a primal culpability.”
“When the boys did what they did to me, they denied the third person on that bed. I had no humanity. The impact of this violation only sharpened with time. My careful distinctions of injury and responsibility—the difference I imagined between what they did and rape, between terrible things you should put behind you and truly hellish things no one would expect you to bear—allowed me, for many years, to restore that third person in the room in my mind.”
“I recognized the school’s act, of course. Its precise cruelty, the fanged transformation of private pain into public shame, turned a key in me.”
“Why now?’”A typically defensive question, and I could dismiss it for its insinuation that I had some underhanded motive whose tell was my delay in availing myself of the criminal justice system. I’m not sure what motive that would have been—I wasn’t suing, wasn’t pressing charges. But that wasn’t the point of the question. The question tries to portray the victim as the predator, the one with a clever plan. It aims to throw the whole circumstance on its head.”
“The work of telling is essential, and it is not enough. There is always the danger that the energy of the injustice will exhaust itself in the revelation—that we will be horrified but remain unchanged. The reason for this, I suspect, is that these are stories we all already know. A girl was assaulted. A boy was molested. The producer, the judge, the bishop, the boss. To hear these stories spoken aloud is jarring, but not because it causes us to reconsider who we are and how we are organized. It is only when power is threatened that power responds.”
“It’s so simple, what happened at St. Paul’s. It happens all the time.
First, they refused to believe me. Then they shamed me. Then they silenced me. On balance, if this is a girl’s trajectory from dignity to disappearance, I say it is better to be a slut than to be silent. I believe, in fact, that the slur slut carries within it, Trojan-horse style, silence as its true intent. That the opposite of slut is not virtue but voice.”
“ Consequences were not our concern. The school’s rules were not even called rules—they were formally known as expectations. Here the children of the elite were trained not in right or wrong but in projections of belief.”
Read more reviews on my blog / / / View all my reviews on Goodreads
September 27, 2020
Quick thoughts: Important, timely, exceptional on audio (the author narrates). Lacy Crawford was silenced in every way after a sexual assault while she attended boarding school. She has found her voice and bravely shares her story. More thoughts to come.
Thank you to Little Brown, Hachette Audio, and Libro.fm for the advanced listening copy.
Many of my reviews can also be found on my blog: www.jennifertarheelreader.com and instagram: www.instagram.com/tarheelreader
Thank you to Little Brown, Hachette Audio, and Libro.fm for the advanced listening copy.
Many of my reviews can also be found on my blog: www.jennifertarheelreader.com and instagram: www.instagram.com/tarheelreader
August 31, 2020
I really wanted to like this book. The topic of the book is so heartbreaking and the author went through such an awful thing while she was at an elite New England boarding school (TW: sexual assault, rape). However, I really struggled to read this book. Not because of the rape, which was at times hard to read about but the majority of the book just detailed the author's life at school. I found it jumped around a lot and struggled to keep up with the timeline and also with the number of characters coming in and out of the book. I thought it was choppy and also - I hate to say it - but was also disinterested at times with certain details the author indulged in. The book was also just really long and it was hard to stay engaged and wasn't helped by the more "high brow" word choices the author used.. I really commend the author for being brave and vulnerable talking about her experiences and also exposing her former school for their multiple cover-ups and I feel really bad for giving it this review but I have to be honest with how I reacted and engaged with the book.
July 9, 2020
"First, they refused to believe me. Then they shamed me. Then they silenced me"
Notes on a Silencing was a powerful and emotional look at sexual assault, privilege, power and corruption within the very institutions charged with protecting young people. In this memoir, Lacy Crawford retells her experiences at St Paul School and beyond- the repercussions the rape and subsequent silencing of her voice has on her decades later.
This book provided a detailed and nuanced look at the darkness lurking within one of the most prestigious New England schools, and the measures they will take to suppress victims. Not only was it informative and eye opening, but also riveting. We follow Lacy from her early teens to middle age, and it truly felt like we watched her grow up. And it was a rollercoaster to say the least. I felt the emotions she described vividly- everything from shame to fear to anger. This experience was only exemplified by listening to the audiobook , which the author herself narrates. I would highly recommend listening.
While some anecdotes felt slightly out of place, and I was occasionally confused by the non-linear timeline- in hindsight it added to the reality of the narrative. A sexual assault is a messy, confusing thing. Having a polished and unblemished account of it would therefore be inaccurate. So while I had some issues with the execution, I could not justify rating this any less than the 5 stars it so thoroughly deserves.
“I had spent so much time considering the challenge of bearing witness, of finding ways to transcribe experience so other people would understand. The work of telling is essential, and it is not enough. There is always the danger that the energy of the injustice will exhaust itself in the revelation—that we will be horrified but remain unchanged.”
Lacy Crawford is an immensely talented author, and I absolutely commend her for telling this important, relevant and deeply moving story. I hope this reaches those that need to hear it. I hope this scathing account prevents such events from occurring again.
I hope this allows others to tell their truth, and us to hear and help them.
Thank you to Hachette Audio and Libro.fm for this ALC
Release Date: 7 July 2020
Notes on a Silencing was a powerful and emotional look at sexual assault, privilege, power and corruption within the very institutions charged with protecting young people. In this memoir, Lacy Crawford retells her experiences at St Paul School and beyond- the repercussions the rape and subsequent silencing of her voice has on her decades later.
This book provided a detailed and nuanced look at the darkness lurking within one of the most prestigious New England schools, and the measures they will take to suppress victims. Not only was it informative and eye opening, but also riveting. We follow Lacy from her early teens to middle age, and it truly felt like we watched her grow up. And it was a rollercoaster to say the least. I felt the emotions she described vividly- everything from shame to fear to anger. This experience was only exemplified by listening to the audiobook , which the author herself narrates. I would highly recommend listening.
While some anecdotes felt slightly out of place, and I was occasionally confused by the non-linear timeline- in hindsight it added to the reality of the narrative. A sexual assault is a messy, confusing thing. Having a polished and unblemished account of it would therefore be inaccurate. So while I had some issues with the execution, I could not justify rating this any less than the 5 stars it so thoroughly deserves.
“I had spent so much time considering the challenge of bearing witness, of finding ways to transcribe experience so other people would understand. The work of telling is essential, and it is not enough. There is always the danger that the energy of the injustice will exhaust itself in the revelation—that we will be horrified but remain unchanged.”
Lacy Crawford is an immensely talented author, and I absolutely commend her for telling this important, relevant and deeply moving story. I hope this reaches those that need to hear it. I hope this scathing account prevents such events from occurring again.
I hope this allows others to tell their truth, and us to hear and help them.
Thank you to Hachette Audio and Libro.fm for this ALC
Release Date: 7 July 2020
August 24, 2020
This makes me so furious that I can't think straight. The Episcopalians are just as bad as the Catholics when it comes to their handling of sexual abuse. Protect the institution at any cost. It's all about money and power and prestige. Use threats and humiliation to silence those who speak out. Deny and distort their stories. What's a few shattered lives when the reputations of the privileged are at stake?
August 23, 2020
A heartbreaking and important memoir about sexual violence at a boarding school, and the equal violence done to the victim by the school’s cover-up.
This story begins with the brutal assault, and then works back from the beginning to put Lacy’s rape in the context of the powerful, abusive and silencing environment of her prep school. Crawford writes beautifully about an ugly experience and your heart hurts for the girl who went through it. At the same time you will marvel at how strong and brave it was of her years later to write such a searing account that shows the true faces of not only of the boys who did this to her, but if a school who knew about this assault and others like it, and protected the perpetrators and silenced the victims for decades.
Since #MeToo, there have been a number of books (both memoir and fictionalized) on this topic, and it’s striking and sad how different each one is, and yet also how many similarities they share. This book is exceptionally powerful, personal and well-written. Even if you have fatigue on this subject (to which I say: let’s not, until we can stop it from happening to anyone ever again) this book is an exceptional memoir and an extremely important one. I’m very sure it will help a lot of women and girls to read. Though I find it hard at times to read books like this, I consider it important. As we’ve recently learned from #MeToo, many, many women have experienced some degree of harassment or violation in their lives. With this book, though at times painful to read, I cared so much for Lacy and understood her so well that I wanted a positive outcome for her so badly, and her compelling and honest voice kept me turning the pages. The way the book put this in context of the Kavanaugh hearings at the end was perfect and almost too much to bear.
Many thanks to NetGalley, Little, Brown and Lacy Crawford for the ARC of this excellent book.
This story begins with the brutal assault, and then works back from the beginning to put Lacy’s rape in the context of the powerful, abusive and silencing environment of her prep school. Crawford writes beautifully about an ugly experience and your heart hurts for the girl who went through it. At the same time you will marvel at how strong and brave it was of her years later to write such a searing account that shows the true faces of not only of the boys who did this to her, but if a school who knew about this assault and others like it, and protected the perpetrators and silenced the victims for decades.
Since #MeToo, there have been a number of books (both memoir and fictionalized) on this topic, and it’s striking and sad how different each one is, and yet also how many similarities they share. This book is exceptionally powerful, personal and well-written. Even if you have fatigue on this subject (to which I say: let’s not, until we can stop it from happening to anyone ever again) this book is an exceptional memoir and an extremely important one. I’m very sure it will help a lot of women and girls to read. Though I find it hard at times to read books like this, I consider it important. As we’ve recently learned from #MeToo, many, many women have experienced some degree of harassment or violation in their lives. With this book, though at times painful to read, I cared so much for Lacy and understood her so well that I wanted a positive outcome for her so badly, and her compelling and honest voice kept me turning the pages. The way the book put this in context of the Kavanaugh hearings at the end was perfect and almost too much to bear.
Many thanks to NetGalley, Little, Brown and Lacy Crawford for the ARC of this excellent book.
July 20, 2023
Lacy Crawford was fifteen years old and fresh in her attendance at a New England prep school when she was lured to a room by two older male students and sexually assaulted. She told no one about this. Her assailants were not as circumspect. Their narrative took the form of bragging rights and carried the day with her peers. This version of events trailed her to adulthood; former classmates bringing it up in off-handed, harrowing ways. Perhaps they felt permitted to do so as it was clear at the time that even those in authority knew; certain teachers going so far as to warn their charges away from her. Just when you think you know how bad things can get in the abusive crucible of a modern-day school, someone comes along with a story that makes everything a little bit worse. Lacy Crawford's is such a story.
Nothing was done to address this for too long a time, which served to cement the trauma to her. What measures were eventually taken succeeded only in straining the modest support system she had managed to rally to her side. No one wants to associate themselves with atrocity, not even the kind, not even the compassionate, and this aversion emerges in high relief when it comes to taking action. Even in parents. Even there.
Lacy Crawford is married now, and entering middle-age. She's filled her life with other things and wrestled her demons in therapy. Still, a day came. A day came to speak of all of this to those classmates, to the courts, to the school. Notes on a Silencing is another space she provides for a voice so few were willing to hear. It is an account made chillingly serene by all the decades she's had to think about this. Alone. In large part, alone.
A tough read. Remarkably well-written.
Nothing was done to address this for too long a time, which served to cement the trauma to her. What measures were eventually taken succeeded only in straining the modest support system she had managed to rally to her side. No one wants to associate themselves with atrocity, not even the kind, not even the compassionate, and this aversion emerges in high relief when it comes to taking action. Even in parents. Even there.
Lacy Crawford is married now, and entering middle-age. She's filled her life with other things and wrestled her demons in therapy. Still, a day came. A day came to speak of all of this to those classmates, to the courts, to the school. Notes on a Silencing is another space she provides for a voice so few were willing to hear. It is an account made chillingly serene by all the decades she's had to think about this. Alone. In large part, alone.
A tough read. Remarkably well-written.
August 9, 2020
I feel really bad for writing this review because I think the author's story is so powerful and important to be told in her own terms, but the prose was so pretentious and elaborate that I had to reread most paragraphs several times to understand them. I considered not finishing it tons of times and what made me keep reading it was out of a respect for such serious matter.
The fact the narration wasn't lineal was a HUGE mistake - it made the events confusing as they were told backwards and forwards again and again. By the time we arrive to the part of the story where she goes against St. Paul, it just doesn't have the strength it deserves.
I have a lot of other thoughts about it but because this is a memoir and not fiction I'll keep them to myself. Still, I admire her bravery to come forward about her assault.
The fact the narration wasn't lineal was a HUGE mistake - it made the events confusing as they were told backwards and forwards again and again. By the time we arrive to the part of the story where she goes against St. Paul, it just doesn't have the strength it deserves.
I have a lot of other thoughts about it but because this is a memoir and not fiction I'll keep them to myself. Still, I admire her bravery to come forward about her assault.
August 2, 2023
3.5 stars
A courageous memoir. In Notes on a Silencing, Lacy Crawford writes about her experience being sexually assaulted by two older male peers while attending St. Paul’s School, a New England Prep school. I loved Crawford’s honesty in this book, both about the pain and trauma of the assault itself as well as just how awfully so many people treated her (e.g., the school, her peers, even people who heard about her in casual conversation way later in life). Crawford does a great job of showing how people can be so cruel and choose to silence survivors, as well as how people, including other women and girls, can blame victims instead of holding perpetrators accountable. I also think Crawford owns up to her privilege as a white woman who grew up with/among wealth and “prestige.”
I do agree with other more critical reviewers that this book could have been shorter. Especially in the first half of the book Crawford included a lot of detail about miscellaneous events that I don’t think added much to the narrative stylistically. Still, a solid memoir with powerful take-home messages.
A courageous memoir. In Notes on a Silencing, Lacy Crawford writes about her experience being sexually assaulted by two older male peers while attending St. Paul’s School, a New England Prep school. I loved Crawford’s honesty in this book, both about the pain and trauma of the assault itself as well as just how awfully so many people treated her (e.g., the school, her peers, even people who heard about her in casual conversation way later in life). Crawford does a great job of showing how people can be so cruel and choose to silence survivors, as well as how people, including other women and girls, can blame victims instead of holding perpetrators accountable. I also think Crawford owns up to her privilege as a white woman who grew up with/among wealth and “prestige.”
I do agree with other more critical reviewers that this book could have been shorter. Especially in the first half of the book Crawford included a lot of detail about miscellaneous events that I don’t think added much to the narrative stylistically. Still, a solid memoir with powerful take-home messages.
June 26, 2020
"First, they refused to believe me. Then they shamed me. Then they silenced me"
Never have I read such a powerful description of life after an assault. The lengths taken to keep the statutory sexual assault silent is just infuriating. Only not everyone was so silent. She lived it all the time in the snide comments and treatment of those around her. Not only did the perpetrators do this, they talked about it.
"We are people on this earth. This life is all we had. It was all we fucking had, and life, my life, could not be determined by cruelty like this."
Oh but it was. Years and years worth. All from one act of violence.
To rate this raw account of Lacys life anything but 5 stars would be just as disgraceful. It was such a well written account, I could almost feel myself in her head. With every shameful comment like a slap to my own face.
Thank you Little, Brown and Company for providing me a copy of this amazingly written story in a Goodreads Giveaway. I'm a different person because I read this. 5 SOLID STARS.
Never have I read such a powerful description of life after an assault. The lengths taken to keep the statutory sexual assault silent is just infuriating. Only not everyone was so silent. She lived it all the time in the snide comments and treatment of those around her. Not only did the perpetrators do this, they talked about it.
"We are people on this earth. This life is all we had. It was all we fucking had, and life, my life, could not be determined by cruelty like this."
Oh but it was. Years and years worth. All from one act of violence.
To rate this raw account of Lacys life anything but 5 stars would be just as disgraceful. It was such a well written account, I could almost feel myself in her head. With every shameful comment like a slap to my own face.
Thank you Little, Brown and Company for providing me a copy of this amazingly written story in a Goodreads Giveaway. I'm a different person because I read this. 5 SOLID STARS.
July 9, 2022
[4.5] I was enraged while reading Crawford's eloquent account of her sexual assault while at boarding school and her subsequent silencing by the school administration and adults surrounding her. Her description of the harm done to her by both callous students and the St. Paul's school administration is horrifying. I am distressed by the thin tightrope she had to navigate, especially sexually, when male students had no such restrictions. And I honestly don't think much has changed in these privileged enclaves.
July 4, 2023
This was a heartbreaking memoir about a 15 year old student living in a very privileged private boarding school in New England, who was violently attacked by two large hockey players, who were a year older than her.
We learn very early on, how she was lured into sneaking in the boys dormitory in the middle of night, how the boys were waiting for her half naked and how she was trapped and had zero chance to escape the brutal sexual assault.
The story doesn’t stop there. This memoir is also about a big cover up of the long history of sexual assault/rapes by male students and educators. The private boarding school, St. Paul’s reputation is above everything else. No matter what the cost is to the victims. It’s also about victim shaming. She asked for it, she is a slut, she sleeps around so it’s her fault for giving out mix signals. This was the early 1990’s where toxic masculinity was rampant and revered. It was never the hockey players fault. It was always the groupy’s fault.
Lacy Crawford chronicles her story very meticulously and in great detail. We really feel her pain of being blamed for the attack, her isolation by her peers, her silence to protect herself and her strength to fight back years later.
My only criticism is the book was a bit too long. There were times I wondered what the point was of that particular story line? Otherwise it’s a solid 4 ⭐️.
Enjoy!
We learn very early on, how she was lured into sneaking in the boys dormitory in the middle of night, how the boys were waiting for her half naked and how she was trapped and had zero chance to escape the brutal sexual assault.
The story doesn’t stop there. This memoir is also about a big cover up of the long history of sexual assault/rapes by male students and educators. The private boarding school, St. Paul’s reputation is above everything else. No matter what the cost is to the victims. It’s also about victim shaming. She asked for it, she is a slut, she sleeps around so it’s her fault for giving out mix signals. This was the early 1990’s where toxic masculinity was rampant and revered. It was never the hockey players fault. It was always the groupy’s fault.
Lacy Crawford chronicles her story very meticulously and in great detail. We really feel her pain of being blamed for the attack, her isolation by her peers, her silence to protect herself and her strength to fight back years later.
My only criticism is the book was a bit too long. There were times I wondered what the point was of that particular story line? Otherwise it’s a solid 4 ⭐️.
Enjoy!
August 28, 2020
Lacy Crawford's powerful memoir addresses her time at the elite private high school, St. Paul's in rural New Hampshire during the early 1990s. During her fifth form year at the young age of 15, Lacy was viciously assaulted by two boys, aged 18. Confused, scared, and alone, Lacy reacted like many individuals may, she retreated.
Quickly, the situation spiraled out of control. Ashamed, Lacy hadn't said a word to anyone about the assault. In fact, she wasn't even certain she had been assaulted as she kept trying to minimize the event in her mind. But when her throat hurt weeks later and she was barely able to eat, she realized she required medical attention. Never however did the school ask how her throat had become so infected. In fact, the school never even told her what was wrong. Only later did Lacy learn that she had contracted herpes from the assault - so far down her throat that they couldn't even be seen without a medical device.
Later that year, after suffering more violence at the hands of men and more cruelty from her peers, the St. Paul's coaching staff humiliate her even more by informing their student athletes that if they had been intimate with Lacy Crawford, they were at risk for contracting a sexual disease.
Violating her privacy, shaming her into silence, and opening the door for ridicule and abuse, the very teachers, chaplains, and authority figures that should have been protecting her, failed Lacy again and again.
This was a challenging read. The trauma Lacy endured and her reactions to it were devastating and heartbreaking. So much of her story resonated with me. Victimized again and again by the boys, the system, her school, doctors, and even her family, Lacy was utterly alone.
We learn Lacy's story - the ugly truth of it. Lacy is brutally honest not only about the attacks, but also about her ownership to her reaction and all events surrounding the attacks. Her honesty is refreshing and reminds us that the violence she endured was because of no fault of her own.
I also loved how she opened the story by addressing language and the various terminology surrounding rape and sexual assault. She raised so many excellent points that really make you think about how society has normalized violence against women - so much so, that many women aren't even sure when they've been the victim of an assault.
The timeline was a bit challenging as it's nonlinear. Overall, I did think it worked for the book because it gave us a bigger picture of Lacy's entire life at St. Paul's, it didn't easily define a "before" and "after" the initial assault, and I think it put us more in the mindset of a 15 year old.
Quickly, the situation spiraled out of control. Ashamed, Lacy hadn't said a word to anyone about the assault. In fact, she wasn't even certain she had been assaulted as she kept trying to minimize the event in her mind. But when her throat hurt weeks later and she was barely able to eat, she realized she required medical attention. Never however did the school ask how her throat had become so infected. In fact, the school never even told her what was wrong. Only later did Lacy learn that she had contracted herpes from the assault - so far down her throat that they couldn't even be seen without a medical device.
Later that year, after suffering more violence at the hands of men and more cruelty from her peers, the St. Paul's coaching staff humiliate her even more by informing their student athletes that if they had been intimate with Lacy Crawford, they were at risk for contracting a sexual disease.
Violating her privacy, shaming her into silence, and opening the door for ridicule and abuse, the very teachers, chaplains, and authority figures that should have been protecting her, failed Lacy again and again.
This was a challenging read. The trauma Lacy endured and her reactions to it were devastating and heartbreaking. So much of her story resonated with me. Victimized again and again by the boys, the system, her school, doctors, and even her family, Lacy was utterly alone.
We learn Lacy's story - the ugly truth of it. Lacy is brutally honest not only about the attacks, but also about her ownership to her reaction and all events surrounding the attacks. Her honesty is refreshing and reminds us that the violence she endured was because of no fault of her own.
I also loved how she opened the story by addressing language and the various terminology surrounding rape and sexual assault. She raised so many excellent points that really make you think about how society has normalized violence against women - so much so, that many women aren't even sure when they've been the victim of an assault.
The timeline was a bit challenging as it's nonlinear. Overall, I did think it worked for the book because it gave us a bigger picture of Lacy's entire life at St. Paul's, it didn't easily define a "before" and "after" the initial assault, and I think it put us more in the mindset of a 15 year old.
July 23, 2021
I received this book through Goodreads First Reads.
I have been in a book slump as of late but even so, I try to give every book I read a good chance. I hate to bail out on a book, before the end, but unfortunately this was one of those times. I admire the author for speaking out, about her story, I respect her a lot for that. Don't get me wrong, I thought the beginning of the book was compelling, I thought we were immediately going to dive into what happened to her and the case but that isn't what happened. Instead, the book focused a lot on her time at the school with is fine, in theory, but it just didn't work in this case. This isn't even adding to the fact that writing was a bit much, some of the words used made it all a bit flowery and I found myself rereading paragraphs as it became difficult to follow what was going on in the story. I'm sure my slump will end, at some point, but it didn't with this book.
I have been in a book slump as of late but even so, I try to give every book I read a good chance. I hate to bail out on a book, before the end, but unfortunately this was one of those times. I admire the author for speaking out, about her story, I respect her a lot for that. Don't get me wrong, I thought the beginning of the book was compelling, I thought we were immediately going to dive into what happened to her and the case but that isn't what happened. Instead, the book focused a lot on her time at the school with is fine, in theory, but it just didn't work in this case. This isn't even adding to the fact that writing was a bit much, some of the words used made it all a bit flowery and I found myself rereading paragraphs as it became difficult to follow what was going on in the story. I'm sure my slump will end, at some point, but it didn't with this book.
January 15, 2021
Ok. So I didn’t actually finish this book, but I’m going to rate it based off of what I did read. I’m no quitter, and this is the first book I’ve ever read for pleasure that I’ve put on my DNF shelf (I’m not ok about it).
I wanted to enjoy this one, as I have a personal & professional interest in sexual assault awareness. With it being a memoir, I commend the author for being brave and telling her story. That is not easy to do, and I respect her for her ability to share her trauma with the world. I feel bad even saying I didn’t like the book, but I couldn’t even finish it.
I had high hopes based on the reviews I had read prior to choosing it as my BOTM. I apparently have an unpopular opinion compared to the other reviews, but I found it very lackluster for such an impactful topic, and at times confusing. Non-linear timelines admittedly aren’t my favorite, but when done well, can be tolerable. The back and forth with dates and jumping around here had no rhyme or reason, it was hard to keep up with what was happening in the story. Was stream of consciousness the goal? I feel like I needed a chart for the story line.
I’m not an ignorant person and consider myself at least an average reader, but I found myself frustrated with the unnecessarily “fancy” words and strange phrases. I had to reread a few paragraphs and use context clues to understand what was said. The language used felt very “high brow”, which was difficult for me to appreciate. I also felt that there were several tangents in the storyline that I didn’t really feel were relevant to the story at all? (Again, stream of consciousness?)
Maybe I’ll give it another try some other time, but for now, not a fan.
I wanted to enjoy this one, as I have a personal & professional interest in sexual assault awareness. With it being a memoir, I commend the author for being brave and telling her story. That is not easy to do, and I respect her for her ability to share her trauma with the world. I feel bad even saying I didn’t like the book, but I couldn’t even finish it.
I had high hopes based on the reviews I had read prior to choosing it as my BOTM. I apparently have an unpopular opinion compared to the other reviews, but I found it very lackluster for such an impactful topic, and at times confusing. Non-linear timelines admittedly aren’t my favorite, but when done well, can be tolerable. The back and forth with dates and jumping around here had no rhyme or reason, it was hard to keep up with what was happening in the story. Was stream of consciousness the goal? I feel like I needed a chart for the story line.
I’m not an ignorant person and consider myself at least an average reader, but I found myself frustrated with the unnecessarily “fancy” words and strange phrases. I had to reread a few paragraphs and use context clues to understand what was said. The language used felt very “high brow”, which was difficult for me to appreciate. I also felt that there were several tangents in the storyline that I didn’t really feel were relevant to the story at all? (Again, stream of consciousness?)
Maybe I’ll give it another try some other time, but for now, not a fan.
September 16, 2020
An important topic for sure, but honestly, this book was a huge struggle to get through. It focused too much on everyday mundane details about her school life that detracted from the main topic of the assault. I did not find value in reading specific details about where her privilged St. Paul's friends vacationed each summer, who they were dating, who they hung out with, where Lacy went running on campus, etc. It wasn't until the very end where the investigation and coverup were finally revealed. I give the author credit for not staying silent; however, this was a chore to read and was also disjointed and not engaging.
Shelved as 'dnf'
August 7, 2020DNF @ 70 pages.
The book is very slow-paced (despite the jarring first few pages) and the story jumps back and forth throughout time; both issues are causing me to have a difficult time following it. I think she’s brave for putting her story out there but I’m too distracted by my annoyance at some of the pretentious word choices (Pharaonic?) and mentions of things like reading Baudelaire - voluntarily, in French - at age 14. (Ok, sure, I was a French major and took an entire class on Baudelaire in France in French and still have no clue what his poems were about...)
The book is very slow-paced (despite the jarring first few pages) and the story jumps back and forth throughout time; both issues are causing me to have a difficult time following it. I think she’s brave for putting her story out there but I’m too distracted by my annoyance at some of the pretentious word choices (Pharaonic?) and mentions of things like reading Baudelaire - voluntarily, in French - at age 14. (Ok, sure, I was a French major and took an entire class on Baudelaire in France in French and still have no clue what his poems were about...)
July 11, 2020
An infuriating stunner.
January 23, 2021
Excellent memoir about a topic that is, unfortunately, far too common. I was impressed with the author’s ability to tap into her 15-year old self and honestly convey her feelings. I was worried that I would be angry the whole time I was reading this book, but instead I wound up feeling great empathy with the author.
July 18, 2020
Brave and exquisite. This memoir should be added to the list of necessary reading to understand the difficult emotional work and futures of sexual assault and rape survivors, as well as how institutions and individuals try to silence and stifle both the women and that same emotional work. I thought this was a stunning, courageous memoir.
January 5, 2021
13.o6 hours
149 w/m
149 w/m
July 25, 2021
The are only a few books that made me cry, and Notes on a Silencing is one of them. The book is an account of trauma, ostracism and a failure of adults to recognize, address and then support a rape victim (the latter also applies to Lacy’s parents). The way the main character tries to rationalize what happened to her, her self-accusations and reactions that it triggered in her are truly and deeply heart-breaking. At the same time, given that it all happened at the beginning of the 90s, when importance to life-lasting consequences that sexual assault causes were yet to be admitted, inevitably made me wonder - what if it was me? Notes on a Silencing is a very important book that should not be missed, and after finishing it all that I wanted to do was to hug the author for being this brave to come forward and share her trauma, giving voice to the fifteen-year-old self. This is an example of true courage, if you were to ask me...
August 29, 2022
This is an important memoir about a young woman, Lacy Crawford, who was sexually assaulted at the once or so-called prestigious, St. Paul's boarding school on the east coast.
Lacy, from Chicago, was sent to this boarding school at age 14. (UGH!!). Her parents trusted this religious, boarding school, located in New Hampshire. Having also been raised in Chicago, I can't imagine being mature enough to handle the pressure she faced as a new student who had most likely been very sheltered from the big bad world of HS boys. And Lacy was naive as many girls, including myself, were at age 14.
Lacy wrote and narrated beautifully her painful and horrific journey and treatment by both the students and shockingly the administration.
Her story is powerful, tear-worthy, and atrocious, and Lacy exposes St. Paul's school for its corruption and coverups to protect their (hopefully now-ruined) reputation.
Lacy, from Chicago, was sent to this boarding school at age 14. (UGH!!). Her parents trusted this religious, boarding school, located in New Hampshire. Having also been raised in Chicago, I can't imagine being mature enough to handle the pressure she faced as a new student who had most likely been very sheltered from the big bad world of HS boys. And Lacy was naive as many girls, including myself, were at age 14.
Lacy wrote and narrated beautifully her painful and horrific journey and treatment by both the students and shockingly the administration.
Her story is powerful, tear-worthy, and atrocious, and Lacy exposes St. Paul's school for its corruption and coverups to protect their (hopefully now-ruined) reputation.
December 27, 2019
I received this in a Goodreads Giveaway and count myself privileged to get to read it before it is published in 2020. This retelling of the author's sexual assault by two students at her boarding school, and the almost more horrific lies and cover up by the school's administration, had me in its grip for the beginning. I worried for the author, every page made me anxious to see her protected from the cruel and cowardly attacks on her as a person.
The facts of this story are complicated and took decades to uncover completely but Lacy Crawford clearly details the evil that is alive and well among the rich and privileged. Women still have to fight to be believed and are shamed for having been assaulted. Things are slowly beginning to change somewhat but I shudder to think of all the women and girls who will never receive the justice they deserve.
The facts of this story are complicated and took decades to uncover completely but Lacy Crawford clearly details the evil that is alive and well among the rich and privileged. Women still have to fight to be believed and are shamed for having been assaulted. Things are slowly beginning to change somewhat but I shudder to think of all the women and girls who will never receive the justice they deserve.
February 7, 2023
Wow wow WOW. This was excellent. I couldn't put it down. Gives a very precise picture of what life was like for a naive, intelligent girl at an elite prep school at the end of the 1980s/beginning of the '90s and the best description I've ever read of 1. the definition of statutory rape and 2. the insidious effects of unacknowledged sexual abuse on someone's life. Institutions like St. Paul's are downright evil, because they almost always choose to destroy a victim if that's what it takes to protect the school's reputation and the male perpetrators.
July 30, 2020
St. Paul’s is an actual dumpster fire of a school, with an old boys' club culture that has systematically silenced generations of young women. I would literally not send my child there if someone paid me.
August 26, 2020
This is a very difficult story to review. Lacy from the very beginning describes the graphic, horrifying sexual assault she experienced at a prestigious boarding school that was covered up by so many different people of power who should’ve protected her, and sadly did nothing but make her feel less human.
This story is powerful, raw, graphic, and disturbing; but so important. Victims of sexual assault of any kind should not be silenced. This story shows how difficult it is for a person to overcome something so awful, and shows how it impacts your life, from high school through to her late future.
“First they refused to believe me. Then they shamed me. Then they silenced me.”
Trigger warnings: graphic language, sexual assault, rape
This story is powerful, raw, graphic, and disturbing; but so important. Victims of sexual assault of any kind should not be silenced. This story shows how difficult it is for a person to overcome something so awful, and shows how it impacts your life, from high school through to her late future.
“First they refused to believe me. Then they shamed me. Then they silenced me.”
Trigger warnings: graphic language, sexual assault, rape
August 1, 2020
the amount of this book that i highlighted is unconstitutional.
July 7, 2020
This has been one of the most difficult books that I have chosen to read and review. It is the story of the author’s own sexual assault, at the age of 15, while away at a St. Paul’s, a prestigious boarding school. I listened to the audiobook version which was narrated by the author herself , Lacy Crawford.
The book begins with the actual assault, providing the reader with the shock factor right from the beginning. The horrific consequences of the assault are laid out slowly, as the author begins a discussion of her life both before and after the assault. This includes various health care providers, some who intentionally misdiagnosed Lacy and the cover up of the event by the school and local authorities when she finally is able to tell her parents. Regrettably, the students which assaulted her were never held accountable and instead graduated with awards.
Lacy was herself a brilliant student. While at St. Paul’s she witnessed a hierarchy which was multi-faceted. Misogyny was rampant. Her assault was communicated by the students involved as one she consensually participated in. Her reputation was marred and she was called a slut. This, along with her eventual diagnosis, were spread all over the school campus including by some faculty. The rector, no better.
Unfortunately Lacy’s assault is not a one-off. Indeed, other students approached Lacy with their own experiences. Then, many years after she graduated, Lacy learns her case has been reopened. Will she finally receive justice to this horrific event?
While this was an emotionally difficult read, my hope is that the author has experienced some healing as a result of finally getting her words out to the world. The #MeToo movement has certainly brought to our attention the sadly widespread nature of incidents such as this. I not only feel empathy towards Lacy, but also her parents who believed they were sending their bright daughter to an academic environment which would provide her with opportunities that the public system may not be able to afford her. I can only imagine their guilt for having sent her there. I was saddened to hear that Lacy is now estranged from them. I found that the synopsis of the book to be a little misleading - much of the book is about Lacy’s life before and after this event which was a little too much to keep this reader engaged. It is not until the last third of the book that the investigation information is relayed and I felt I was patiently waiting to read this.
This is likely a book that will stay with me for quite some time. I recommend it to those that have an interest in the subject matter.
Thanks to libro.fm , Hachette Audio and Little Brown Publishing for the ALC of this book in exchange for the honest review provided here.
The book begins with the actual assault, providing the reader with the shock factor right from the beginning. The horrific consequences of the assault are laid out slowly, as the author begins a discussion of her life both before and after the assault. This includes various health care providers, some who intentionally misdiagnosed Lacy and the cover up of the event by the school and local authorities when she finally is able to tell her parents. Regrettably, the students which assaulted her were never held accountable and instead graduated with awards.
Lacy was herself a brilliant student. While at St. Paul’s she witnessed a hierarchy which was multi-faceted. Misogyny was rampant. Her assault was communicated by the students involved as one she consensually participated in. Her reputation was marred and she was called a slut. This, along with her eventual diagnosis, were spread all over the school campus including by some faculty. The rector, no better.
Unfortunately Lacy’s assault is not a one-off. Indeed, other students approached Lacy with their own experiences. Then, many years after she graduated, Lacy learns her case has been reopened. Will she finally receive justice to this horrific event?
While this was an emotionally difficult read, my hope is that the author has experienced some healing as a result of finally getting her words out to the world. The #MeToo movement has certainly brought to our attention the sadly widespread nature of incidents such as this. I not only feel empathy towards Lacy, but also her parents who believed they were sending their bright daughter to an academic environment which would provide her with opportunities that the public system may not be able to afford her. I can only imagine their guilt for having sent her there. I was saddened to hear that Lacy is now estranged from them. I found that the synopsis of the book to be a little misleading - much of the book is about Lacy’s life before and after this event which was a little too much to keep this reader engaged. It is not until the last third of the book that the investigation information is relayed and I felt I was patiently waiting to read this.
This is likely a book that will stay with me for quite some time. I recommend it to those that have an interest in the subject matter.
Thanks to libro.fm , Hachette Audio and Little Brown Publishing for the ALC of this book in exchange for the honest review provided here.
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