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They Called Us Exceptional: And Other Lies That Raised Us
Goodreads Choice Award
Nominee for Best Memoir & Autobiography (2023)An Indian American daughter reveals how the dangerous model minority myth fractured her family in this searing, brave memoir.
How do we understand ourselves when the story about who we are supposed to be is stronger than our sense of self? What do we stand to gain—and lose—by taking control of our narrative? These questions propel Prachi Gupta’s heartfelt memoir and can feel particularly fraught for immigrants and their children who live under immense pressure to belong in America.
Prachi Gupta’s family embodied the American a doctor father and a nurturing mother who raised two high-achieving children with one foot in the Indian American community, the other in Pennsylvania’s white suburbia. But their belonging was predicated on a powerful that Asian Americans have perfected the alchemy of middle-class life, raising tight-knit, ambitious families that are immune to hardship. Molding oneself to fit this perfect image often comes at a steep but hidden cost. In They Called Us Exceptional, Gupta articulates the dissonance, shame, and isolation of being upheld as an American success story while privately navigating traumas invisible to the outside world.
Gupta addresses her mother throughout the book, weaving a deeply vulnerable personal narrative with history, postcolonial theory, and research on mental health, to show how she slowly made sense of her reality and freed herself emotionally and physically from the pervasive, reductive myth that had once defined her. But, tragically, the act that liberated Gupta was also the act that distanced her from those she loved most. By charting her family’s slow unraveling and her determination to break the cycle, Gupta shows how traditional notions of success keep us disconnected from ourselves and one another—and passionately argues why we must orient ourselves toward compassion over belonging.
How do we understand ourselves when the story about who we are supposed to be is stronger than our sense of self? What do we stand to gain—and lose—by taking control of our narrative? These questions propel Prachi Gupta’s heartfelt memoir and can feel particularly fraught for immigrants and their children who live under immense pressure to belong in America.
Prachi Gupta’s family embodied the American a doctor father and a nurturing mother who raised two high-achieving children with one foot in the Indian American community, the other in Pennsylvania’s white suburbia. But their belonging was predicated on a powerful that Asian Americans have perfected the alchemy of middle-class life, raising tight-knit, ambitious families that are immune to hardship. Molding oneself to fit this perfect image often comes at a steep but hidden cost. In They Called Us Exceptional, Gupta articulates the dissonance, shame, and isolation of being upheld as an American success story while privately navigating traumas invisible to the outside world.
Gupta addresses her mother throughout the book, weaving a deeply vulnerable personal narrative with history, postcolonial theory, and research on mental health, to show how she slowly made sense of her reality and freed herself emotionally and physically from the pervasive, reductive myth that had once defined her. But, tragically, the act that liberated Gupta was also the act that distanced her from those she loved most. By charting her family’s slow unraveling and her determination to break the cycle, Gupta shows how traditional notions of success keep us disconnected from ourselves and one another—and passionately argues why we must orient ourselves toward compassion over belonging.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published August 22, 2023
About the author
Prachi Gupta
2 books171 followersPrachi Gupta is an award-winning journalist and former senior reporter at Jezebel. She won a Writers Guild Award for her investigative essay “Stories About My Brother.” Her work was featured in The Best American Magazine Writing 2021 and has appeared in The Atlantic, The Washington Post Magazine, Marie Claire, Salon, Elle, and elsewhere. She lives in New York City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 823 reviews
January 15, 2024
A powerful, somewhat uneven memoir with some sections that absolutely gutted me. In They Called Us Exceptional, Prachi Gupta writes about growing up in an Indian American family that some would describe as the American ideal: a doctor father, a nurturing mother, and two high-achieving children. Underneath this veneer though lies a family simmering with conflict and painful unaddressed wounds. Gupta details her journey of breaking free from the cycles of violence plaguing her family and dissects the cost of “achieving” what may appear as the American success story.
I found the first 100 pages or so of this book okay, somewhere between three and four stars. Gupta does a nice job of detailing her childhood and naming some sociocultural complexities: her father’s patriarchal violence, the racism that everyone including in her family including her father experienced, and her desire to figure out what she wants for herself. Gupta’s tone felt a bit formal for me in this first half or so of the memoir and even throughout the book. I can see why she chose to write in the second person but I felt that that created some emotional distance or dilution in the prose.
However, something happens around the 125-page mark and onward that wrecked me. I won’t spoil it so all I’ll say is that Gupta’s writing about her relationship with her brother *gutted* me. I read this book on a plane and I was holding back tears in several parts of the second half of the book. I think Gupta wrote a successful essay about her brother that got some attention which then led to this book, and I can see why that essay was successful. Gupta’s writing about her brother felt both sophisticated and deeply emotionally resonant. Honoring the complexities of how Asian American men and Indian American men in this case are dehumanized and made to feel inferior in the United States. While at the same time writing honestly about her brother’s faults and shortcomings, the pain and power of setting boundaries with him, and the deep love between the two of them born out of shared experience and tenderness. Her writing about him and their relationship and her feelings about him floored me. I’m typing this review in the Atlanta airport listening to “Ghost in the Machine” by SZA and staring into space, a heartbroken mess!
Despite how some of the writing, especially the use of the second person, felt dry, Gupta accomplishes a lot in this memoir: breaking down the model minority myth, detailing her journey to know more about her own culture and come into her unique feminist voice, sharing a bit about her therapy process and destigmatizing mental illness. Her father’s abusive behavior reminded me my mother’s and I appreciated her sharing about how this abuse (and the abuser’s potential mental illness) is often conflated with stereotypes about harsh immigrant parents. Still, though, her writing about her brother, wow. My heart aches just thinking about it (and if you saw a gaysian crying in the Atlanta airport holding a copy of this book and crying, it was me!).
I found the first 100 pages or so of this book okay, somewhere between three and four stars. Gupta does a nice job of detailing her childhood and naming some sociocultural complexities: her father’s patriarchal violence, the racism that everyone including in her family including her father experienced, and her desire to figure out what she wants for herself. Gupta’s tone felt a bit formal for me in this first half or so of the memoir and even throughout the book. I can see why she chose to write in the second person but I felt that that created some emotional distance or dilution in the prose.
However, something happens around the 125-page mark and onward that wrecked me. I won’t spoil it so all I’ll say is that Gupta’s writing about her relationship with her brother *gutted* me. I read this book on a plane and I was holding back tears in several parts of the second half of the book. I think Gupta wrote a successful essay about her brother that got some attention which then led to this book, and I can see why that essay was successful. Gupta’s writing about her brother felt both sophisticated and deeply emotionally resonant. Honoring the complexities of how Asian American men and Indian American men in this case are dehumanized and made to feel inferior in the United States. While at the same time writing honestly about her brother’s faults and shortcomings, the pain and power of setting boundaries with him, and the deep love between the two of them born out of shared experience and tenderness. Her writing about him and their relationship and her feelings about him floored me. I’m typing this review in the Atlanta airport listening to “Ghost in the Machine” by SZA and staring into space, a heartbroken mess!
Despite how some of the writing, especially the use of the second person, felt dry, Gupta accomplishes a lot in this memoir: breaking down the model minority myth, detailing her journey to know more about her own culture and come into her unique feminist voice, sharing a bit about her therapy process and destigmatizing mental illness. Her father’s abusive behavior reminded me my mother’s and I appreciated her sharing about how this abuse (and the abuser’s potential mental illness) is often conflated with stereotypes about harsh immigrant parents. Still, though, her writing about her brother, wow. My heart aches just thinking about it (and if you saw a gaysian crying in the Atlanta airport holding a copy of this book and crying, it was me!).
August 26, 2023
Moving, un-put-down-able, raw, trigging, exceptionally executed…
Prachi Gupta decided to write a deeply moving memoir about her Indian-American family that needs to be read widely. Prachi Gupta writes a memoir for immigrant children who are trying to understand their place in the world. She writes about growing up with the parents and her brother- her father wanted to be a doctor because that is what he thinks was expected of him. He married very young and took her mother from Indian to Canada and then the US. Growing up the father always made the decisions, where to live, what they would be and what was expected of everyone.
On the outside they seemed like the perfect family but Prachi takes us inside to show us the abuse, gaslighting, and hurt that happened at the hands of her family. This is not the book you expect from an Immigrant and I think that is what I loved most, Prachi really showed us what her world was like and how she was raised. She was so vulnerable in this memoir I felt like she was a friend I wanted to fight people for.
Her family is complex, there are so many issues at play and I think Prachi gave them grace (even when they didn’t deserve it!) in writing this book.
Honestly, this is for anyone with a family dynamic that is toxic and you are wondering how to navigate it all.
Please read this book.
Prachi Gupta decided to write a deeply moving memoir about her Indian-American family that needs to be read widely. Prachi Gupta writes a memoir for immigrant children who are trying to understand their place in the world. She writes about growing up with the parents and her brother- her father wanted to be a doctor because that is what he thinks was expected of him. He married very young and took her mother from Indian to Canada and then the US. Growing up the father always made the decisions, where to live, what they would be and what was expected of everyone.
On the outside they seemed like the perfect family but Prachi takes us inside to show us the abuse, gaslighting, and hurt that happened at the hands of her family. This is not the book you expect from an Immigrant and I think that is what I loved most, Prachi really showed us what her world was like and how she was raised. She was so vulnerable in this memoir I felt like she was a friend I wanted to fight people for.
Her family is complex, there are so many issues at play and I think Prachi gave them grace (even when they didn’t deserve it!) in writing this book.
Honestly, this is for anyone with a family dynamic that is toxic and you are wondering how to navigate it all.
Please read this book.
September 9, 2023
might be the best memoir i've ever read.
so beautiful, so important.
"I had once thought that I came from a line of Gods, and I had punished myself for failing to be Godlike. But we were not Gods, and I was not the avatar for our family’s unraveling. I was just another product of inherited trauma, unresolved grief, and reactive survival mechanisms, like everyone else who came before me. We were mortals who felt ashamed when we failed to appear omnipotent. Now I see that my job was to release my ancestors from this burden, to allow those who come next the freedom to be ordinary."
there is so much more i want to say, but im still reeling a bit from the masterpiece that this book is. rtc maybe.
so beautiful, so important.
"I had once thought that I came from a line of Gods, and I had punished myself for failing to be Godlike. But we were not Gods, and I was not the avatar for our family’s unraveling. I was just another product of inherited trauma, unresolved grief, and reactive survival mechanisms, like everyone else who came before me. We were mortals who felt ashamed when we failed to appear omnipotent. Now I see that my job was to release my ancestors from this burden, to allow those who come next the freedom to be ordinary."
there is so much more i want to say, but im still reeling a bit from the masterpiece that this book is. rtc maybe.
September 22, 2023
This is a very good memoir. It’s very compelling and the audio narration is excellent (author read). I think some of the story feels long and could’ve been cut down but mostly really really good.
May 19, 2023
What an astounding debut entry. Prachi Gupta is unflinching as she turns the clear-eyed gaze of a journalist to her own story: the harrowing, emotionally devastating tale of growing up in an Indian-American household under the thumb of an abusive father. If you enjoyed Tara Westover’s “Educated” or Jeannette Walls’ “The Glass Castle,” you absolutely must read this newest addition to the memoir canon.
Gupta is clearly a gifted storyteller, but I think what I’m most impressed by is her ability to interrogate each family member’s actions and choices (including her own!) in such a compassionate, discerning way. Many threads are tied up in the story of her family: the pressures of being a model minority and immigrant family in America, the balancing act of assimilating into white America while maintaining her Indian heritage, her father’s mental illness and the pressure cooker of factors that formed his ultimately abusive personality. I can’t believe how well (how bravely, how kindly) Gupta picks apart these threads and lays bare her family tragedies.
I think one of the greatest creative choices she makes throughout the book is to address it all to her mother, a first-generation immigrant who played the role of both victim and enabler to her volatile husband. At first I thought the second-person voice might be distracting, but I think it actually brought me closer to the story in a way that was oftentimes unnerving — like, wait, this truly might be the only way Prachi is able to communicate with the woman who brought her into this world. Wait, this is a true story, about real existing people who are still alive. The second-person voice removes any distance between the reader and the page, and renders clear the deep heartbreak at the center of her story.
If you’ve read the essay that this book was adapted from, “Stories About My Brother,” then you know what tragedy unfolds in the third act. This is the denouement that the entire book is working towards, the emotional sucker punch that is beyond words, and yet putting words to the pain is exactly what Gupta attempts. Unfortunately, I did feel that the pacing fell a little flat during this section; the painstaking untangling of threads that served her so well throughout the rest of the book got in the way of the storytelling, the grief and loss, that throbbed like a wound underneath her detached recounting of who said what and why. Perhaps the wound is still too open, too fresh, to make a spectacle of for readers, who are also strangers.
This is a deeply personal book, and I’m blown away by how Gupta is able to play the role of both storyteller and participant. There’s something truly ironic here: “They called us exceptional,” Gupa writes, “and it destroyed us.” But in recounting this tragedy and the revelation that perhaps striving only for normalcy and honesty could have saved her family, Gupta truly has created a work that is exceptional.
Gupta is clearly a gifted storyteller, but I think what I’m most impressed by is her ability to interrogate each family member’s actions and choices (including her own!) in such a compassionate, discerning way. Many threads are tied up in the story of her family: the pressures of being a model minority and immigrant family in America, the balancing act of assimilating into white America while maintaining her Indian heritage, her father’s mental illness and the pressure cooker of factors that formed his ultimately abusive personality. I can’t believe how well (how bravely, how kindly) Gupta picks apart these threads and lays bare her family tragedies.
I think one of the greatest creative choices she makes throughout the book is to address it all to her mother, a first-generation immigrant who played the role of both victim and enabler to her volatile husband. At first I thought the second-person voice might be distracting, but I think it actually brought me closer to the story in a way that was oftentimes unnerving — like, wait, this truly might be the only way Prachi is able to communicate with the woman who brought her into this world. Wait, this is a true story, about real existing people who are still alive. The second-person voice removes any distance between the reader and the page, and renders clear the deep heartbreak at the center of her story.
If you’ve read the essay that this book was adapted from, “Stories About My Brother,” then you know what tragedy unfolds in the third act. This is the denouement that the entire book is working towards, the emotional sucker punch that is beyond words, and yet putting words to the pain is exactly what Gupta attempts. Unfortunately, I did feel that the pacing fell a little flat during this section; the painstaking untangling of threads that served her so well throughout the rest of the book got in the way of the storytelling, the grief and loss, that throbbed like a wound underneath her detached recounting of who said what and why. Perhaps the wound is still too open, too fresh, to make a spectacle of for readers, who are also strangers.
This is a deeply personal book, and I’m blown away by how Gupta is able to play the role of both storyteller and participant. There’s something truly ironic here: “They called us exceptional,” Gupa writes, “and it destroyed us.” But in recounting this tragedy and the revelation that perhaps striving only for normalcy and honesty could have saved her family, Gupta truly has created a work that is exceptional.
Read
August 22, 2023Several years ago, we came across an article in the @jezebel that left an indelible mark on us. It was a powerful and vulnerable account about award-winning writer Prachi Gupta’s late brother, Yush.
Yush, a brilliant computer programmer and engineer, struggled with deep-seated insecurities about masculinity and body image. While it is easy to point to misogyny and internalized racism among strangers, or even brown men, Gupta courageously acknowledges the harmful attitudes harbored within her family.
We had the opportunity to meet Gupta and read her debut "They Called Us Exceptional" ahead of its publication date. In conversation and in print, Gupta details the complexity of resorting to parental estrangement. With the pressures of representing a model minority and immigrant family in America, Gupta acknowledges that estrangement is not freeing, but it can be necessary when tolerating different opinions, values, and behaviors within a family.
By gently, yet vividly, spelling out the lonely, singular phenomenon of grieving the loss of still-living family, Gupta contributes to the destigmatization of family disruption and estrangement. Admirers of Tara Westover’s “Educated” and Stephanie Foo’s “What My Bones Know” will value Gupta’s resilience as she revisits painful personal experiences to deliver her unfiltered story - one which is likely to deeply resonate with readers who are estranged from loved ones.
Yush, a brilliant computer programmer and engineer, struggled with deep-seated insecurities about masculinity and body image. While it is easy to point to misogyny and internalized racism among strangers, or even brown men, Gupta courageously acknowledges the harmful attitudes harbored within her family.
We had the opportunity to meet Gupta and read her debut "They Called Us Exceptional" ahead of its publication date. In conversation and in print, Gupta details the complexity of resorting to parental estrangement. With the pressures of representing a model minority and immigrant family in America, Gupta acknowledges that estrangement is not freeing, but it can be necessary when tolerating different opinions, values, and behaviors within a family.
By gently, yet vividly, spelling out the lonely, singular phenomenon of grieving the loss of still-living family, Gupta contributes to the destigmatization of family disruption and estrangement. Admirers of Tara Westover’s “Educated” and Stephanie Foo’s “What My Bones Know” will value Gupta’s resilience as she revisits painful personal experiences to deliver her unfiltered story - one which is likely to deeply resonate with readers who are estranged from loved ones.
September 5, 2023
I had a lot of compassion for the author, because she grew up with a controlling father and passive mother, and undoubtedly didn't get the family support she deserved, which likely increased her insecurities in a broader social context and compromised her overall wellness, given the importance of childhood family attachment. I'm certain that she and her family experienced multiple instances of discrimination, but her arguments linking her father's behavior to broader issues of post-colonial racism were somewhat tenuous and in some ways felt a bit forced to make the book somehow more relevant to the current zeitgeist in order to sell more product. The shift in tone distracted from the power of her story overall.
October 1, 2023
There's so much pain in this book. But it's overlaid with a level of self-absorption that became very tedious to read. Just not for me, I guess.
October 6, 2023
6/10 Rating - In telling her own family's tragic story, the author also explores the model minority myth, especially as it pertains to Indian Americans. Gupta traces the dramatic impact of growing up with a mentally ill and emotionally abusive father who believes women should be submissive alongside a mother who enables him because she herself is terrified. Meanwhile, each family member struggles with being brown in a white world, the clash between American and Indian norms, and how to simultaneously honour their culture and themselves. Content warning for depression and suicide.
I came to this memoir having heard most of the main details when the author was on the podcast Armchair Expert. I really enjoyed thinking more about what it means to be an Indian immigrant or first generation Indian American or Canadian. There is much to learn about abuse, mental health, toxic masculinity, identity, and the author's Desi culture here, but the main points are covered in her hour long interview just as well or better. (See akso her original essay, published in Jezebel, 'Stories about My Brother'). Perhaps the book would have been more powerful if it was all fresh to me.
Unfortunately, I found the writing style ingratiating. The author writes the memoir as if it's directed to her mother, so that the use of the word 'you' really throws the reader off. Likewise, her voice sounds childish, even when she is relating events long after childhood. Gupta can also sound condescending at times. Both reflect the way one might speak to a parent about a difficult subject, reverting to a child-parent relationship to connect with the parent while also trying to be overly conciliatory when explaining complex modern ideas or navigating conflict. As a reader, I just found it really annoying. I did not want to spend time listening to this voice.
The writing is also incredibly repetitive. The childhood section could have been massively tightened up.
The most interesting theme the author explores is the intersection of Indian and American ideas of masculinity. Prachi's father immigrated from India as a child. In his worldview, men are the providers and protectors and one does not question a husband or a father. In many parts of India, he would have felt incredibly powerful and masculine. In America, though, Indian men are often emasculated. They are viewed as short, slim, nerdy, and meek; well-behaved and exemplary in many ways, but not 'manly.' Meanwhile, women are obviously more empowered in the US, especially white women.
Having been pigeon-holed outside the home, Prachi's father became even more attached to his masculine dominance in the home. His son would eventually follow in his footsteps with tragic consequences.
One thing Prachi stresses is that POC benefit from seeing therapists of colour and from materials which recognise that what might work for white people won't for people with different cultural backgrounds.
I enjoyed the general discussion of what it means to be held up as a model minority. It's not just that parents put enormous pressure on themselves and their children to be successful, it's that the country itself points to Asian American immigrants (and IMO before that Jewish immigrants) as examples of immigrants who can assimilate and succeed vs those who can't. They then compare these groups with Black Americans, which implies that Black Americans are lazy or at fault. This narrative not only ignores the impact of slavery, Jim Crow, policies like and redlining, but also ignores the fact that Indian immigrants - like many other American immigrants - are usually the cream of the crop. Only highly skilled people get visas - and the vast majority of those people come from middle class and wealthy families (although, notably, for a long time Indians were not allowed to take their wealth out of the country). All of this was even more true for the pre and immediate post war generations.
I would not recommend this memoir to most people, but it would be invaluable to anyone who has experienced extreme emotional abuse and is still struggling to recognise those patterns. I would highly recommend the author's interview on the podcast Armchair Expert or her Jezebel essay.
I came to this memoir having heard most of the main details when the author was on the podcast Armchair Expert. I really enjoyed thinking more about what it means to be an Indian immigrant or first generation Indian American or Canadian. There is much to learn about abuse, mental health, toxic masculinity, identity, and the author's Desi culture here, but the main points are covered in her hour long interview just as well or better. (See akso her original essay, published in Jezebel, 'Stories about My Brother'). Perhaps the book would have been more powerful if it was all fresh to me.
Unfortunately, I found the writing style ingratiating. The author writes the memoir as if it's directed to her mother, so that the use of the word 'you' really throws the reader off. Likewise, her voice sounds childish, even when she is relating events long after childhood. Gupta can also sound condescending at times. Both reflect the way one might speak to a parent about a difficult subject, reverting to a child-parent relationship to connect with the parent while also trying to be overly conciliatory when explaining complex modern ideas or navigating conflict. As a reader, I just found it really annoying. I did not want to spend time listening to this voice.
The writing is also incredibly repetitive. The childhood section could have been massively tightened up.
The most interesting theme the author explores is the intersection of Indian and American ideas of masculinity. Prachi's father immigrated from India as a child. In his worldview, men are the providers and protectors and one does not question a husband or a father. In many parts of India, he would have felt incredibly powerful and masculine. In America, though, Indian men are often emasculated. They are viewed as short, slim, nerdy, and meek; well-behaved and exemplary in many ways, but not 'manly.' Meanwhile, women are obviously more empowered in the US, especially white women.
Having been pigeon-holed outside the home, Prachi's father became even more attached to his masculine dominance in the home. His son would eventually follow in his footsteps with tragic consequences.
One thing Prachi stresses is that POC benefit from seeing therapists of colour and from materials which recognise that what might work for white people won't for people with different cultural backgrounds.
I enjoyed the general discussion of what it means to be held up as a model minority. It's not just that parents put enormous pressure on themselves and their children to be successful, it's that the country itself points to Asian American immigrants (and IMO before that Jewish immigrants) as examples of immigrants who can assimilate and succeed vs those who can't. They then compare these groups with Black Americans, which implies that Black Americans are lazy or at fault. This narrative not only ignores the impact of slavery, Jim Crow, policies like and redlining, but also ignores the fact that Indian immigrants - like many other American immigrants - are usually the cream of the crop. Only highly skilled people get visas - and the vast majority of those people come from middle class and wealthy families (although, notably, for a long time Indians were not allowed to take their wealth out of the country). All of this was even more true for the pre and immediate post war generations.
I would not recommend this memoir to most people, but it would be invaluable to anyone who has experienced extreme emotional abuse and is still struggling to recognise those patterns. I would highly recommend the author's interview on the podcast Armchair Expert or her Jezebel essay.
September 21, 2023
I find memoirs quite difficult to review as these are obviously very personal and quite often painful stories for the author to write.
This book is about the relationship of Prachi with her immediate and extended family. Prachi is born in America of two Indian parents. Her father was born in Canada of Indian immigrant parents, and her mother immigrated from India as the result of this arranged marriage. Prachi's father is very domineering and appears to isolate his wife ensuring that she is totally dependent on him for income, company and security. Because of this she is something of a shadow character in the book, however, Prachi appears to be telling the story for her mother to heal a rift that is very much caused by her father and his need for absolute control.
The discomfort in reading the book is that it falls somewhere between feeling like you are reading someone's personal diary and sitting in another person's therapy session. I can understand that this book will be very appealing and helpful to women who find themselves or their family members in a similar situation.
The narrative is quite harrowing in parts but in others somewhat repetitive, revisiting incidents and situations. It was easy for the story to get lost in some of these details.
The author has written a lot of pain into the words and pages of this book which is still quite unresolved and that also added to the discomfort, but that is the reality and cannot be changed. I hope that one day she finds peace and is able to reconnect to the central people in her life.
Thank you Crown Press and Netgally for the opportunity to read this digital ARC.
This book is about the relationship of Prachi with her immediate and extended family. Prachi is born in America of two Indian parents. Her father was born in Canada of Indian immigrant parents, and her mother immigrated from India as the result of this arranged marriage. Prachi's father is very domineering and appears to isolate his wife ensuring that she is totally dependent on him for income, company and security. Because of this she is something of a shadow character in the book, however, Prachi appears to be telling the story for her mother to heal a rift that is very much caused by her father and his need for absolute control.
The discomfort in reading the book is that it falls somewhere between feeling like you are reading someone's personal diary and sitting in another person's therapy session. I can understand that this book will be very appealing and helpful to women who find themselves or their family members in a similar situation.
The narrative is quite harrowing in parts but in others somewhat repetitive, revisiting incidents and situations. It was easy for the story to get lost in some of these details.
The author has written a lot of pain into the words and pages of this book which is still quite unresolved and that also added to the discomfort, but that is the reality and cannot be changed. I hope that one day she finds peace and is able to reconnect to the central people in her life.
Thank you Crown Press and Netgally for the opportunity to read this digital ARC.
September 5, 2023
An emotionally heavy memoir about an Indian American woman's struggles with identity, family and mental health growing up with a controlling, oppressive father and in a country full of anti-Asian racism.
This was incredibly moving and vulnerable and so good on audio read by the author herself. I was pleasantly surprised by the Canadian content (Prachi's mother lived in Canada before marrying her father) and loved her analysis of mental health among the South Asian community.
Highly recommended for fans of books like We have always been here by Samra Habib or Good talk by Mira Jacob.
CW: sexual assault, domestic abuse, suicidal ideation, loss of a loved one, depression
This was incredibly moving and vulnerable and so good on audio read by the author herself. I was pleasantly surprised by the Canadian content (Prachi's mother lived in Canada before marrying her father) and loved her analysis of mental health among the South Asian community.
Highly recommended for fans of books like We have always been here by Samra Habib or Good talk by Mira Jacob.
CW: sexual assault, domestic abuse, suicidal ideation, loss of a loved one, depression
August 28, 2023
I was so impressed with the research and introspection that went into this memoir. Prachi did a beautiful job peeling apart the complicated layers of her family’s dynamics while sharing with us her raw, unadulterated feelings. She managed to do this while showing pure love towards her mother, and the balance was striking. I read this as a love letter to her mom; I cried a lot, felt seen, and would fully recommend this book.
August 26, 2023
This memoir is open hearted, tender & revealing. It tackles many matters in our south Asian families (we’d rather brush off) with precision & compassion.
This deeply personal story, told with immense courage, reveals the dangers of model minority myths as well as the intimate realities of how patriarchy unfolds among countless immigrant families. The author doesn’t shy away from addressing matters of mental health, abuse, trauma and much more. Rather, the storytelling is often unnerving in its honesty.
While it is a heartbreaking read, and content warnings are definitely warranted, it is essential reading especially for the South Asian diaspora. It is evident to me that the intent garnering the writing of this book is to invite necessary personal, family, intergenerational and cultural shifts. This book offers us a potential example of how we might divest from immigrant myths, cultural taboos and societal lies, converse openly and even heal.
Highly recommend.
I’m grateful to crown publishing for my copy & this recommendation is sincere.
This deeply personal story, told with immense courage, reveals the dangers of model minority myths as well as the intimate realities of how patriarchy unfolds among countless immigrant families. The author doesn’t shy away from addressing matters of mental health, abuse, trauma and much more. Rather, the storytelling is often unnerving in its honesty.
While it is a heartbreaking read, and content warnings are definitely warranted, it is essential reading especially for the South Asian diaspora. It is evident to me that the intent garnering the writing of this book is to invite necessary personal, family, intergenerational and cultural shifts. This book offers us a potential example of how we might divest from immigrant myths, cultural taboos and societal lies, converse openly and even heal.
Highly recommend.
I’m grateful to crown publishing for my copy & this recommendation is sincere.
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January 9, 2024this memoir was heartbreaking—and also thoughtful, nuanced, and emotionally courageous. it’s a book I needed to read and I’m so grateful for what it gave me; it’s difficult to find the words for it.
January 28, 2024
Tiger parent, strict, immigrant upbringing - I am familiar with the well educated, high achieving dutiful Indian daughter. Peel back the curtain and you never truly know what’s going on in any dysfunctional family. I didn’t expect the transparency and rawness in this biographical novel.
A father’s extreme mental illness tears apart a once close knit family that continues to keep up appearances to those that surround them.
The author is continuously gas lighted and physically and emotionally abused until she slowly steps away and finds her voice.
“We had been raised to believe that every unknown could be resolved through willpower and intellect. The truth is society doesn’t raise people to aspire to be kind or compassionate or happy. It pressures adults to achieve and accomplish.
For a long time I felt ashamed of who I was. I didn’t know what it meant to be me, only that to be me was wrong. I was rejected for my speaking my truth, because I did not portray an image that people wanted to see. I thought people could see the ugliness in me and that I had to work hard to hide until I appeared flawless to them. But when I finally achieved what I thought was such perfection, I learned that, even then, I did not belong.
Now I feel grateful for that rejection, because rejection forced me to learn to find value in myself, value that I had jockeyed to receive from others. I learned that I am not defined by how others perceive me. I learned that the limits of their acceptance are not a symptom of my failings. I am grateful, because not only did I survive, but I expanded. I grew in infinite directions. I learned that I am not done growing. I am just beginning. “
A father’s extreme mental illness tears apart a once close knit family that continues to keep up appearances to those that surround them.
The author is continuously gas lighted and physically and emotionally abused until she slowly steps away and finds her voice.
“We had been raised to believe that every unknown could be resolved through willpower and intellect. The truth is society doesn’t raise people to aspire to be kind or compassionate or happy. It pressures adults to achieve and accomplish.
For a long time I felt ashamed of who I was. I didn’t know what it meant to be me, only that to be me was wrong. I was rejected for my speaking my truth, because I did not portray an image that people wanted to see. I thought people could see the ugliness in me and that I had to work hard to hide until I appeared flawless to them. But when I finally achieved what I thought was such perfection, I learned that, even then, I did not belong.
Now I feel grateful for that rejection, because rejection forced me to learn to find value in myself, value that I had jockeyed to receive from others. I learned that I am not defined by how others perceive me. I learned that the limits of their acceptance are not a symptom of my failings. I am grateful, because not only did I survive, but I expanded. I grew in infinite directions. I learned that I am not done growing. I am just beginning. “
September 15, 2023
⭐️5+ — Will never be able to praise this book enough. Exceptionally brave, compassionate, and raw. One of the best memoirs i have ever read. A brutally honest introspection through an ode to her mother and father, but ultimately to herself. Prachi unearths the ugly truth of her family dynamics, navigates anger, shame, and the hidden struggle of growing up as a first generation daughter of an immigrant Indian family. She navigates more than just the eastern vs. western culture clashes as she analyzes the detrimental family dynamics that are often hidden and swallowed in order to carry on the outward identity the perfect family in society, the perfect model minority. A heavy read, but such an important one. Her talented writing caught my breath and had me in tears throughout almost the entire book.
Would esp encourage all my fellow brown ladies to pick this one up!
Would esp encourage all my fellow brown ladies to pick this one up!
September 11, 2023
I knew from the introduction alone that this would be a 5-star read for me, and I was just so so happy the whole way through that Gupta continually lived up to that expectation. Her work is searing, thoughtful, scathing while remaining so so vulnerable, and just impossible to put down. Seriously this is one of those stories that just feels so human and really reminds us why feminism is so important for the lives of men and women both.
Probably the most important 2023 release I’ve read and I will be singing this book’s praises for years. Thank you, Prachi, for the gift that this story truly is❤️
Probably the most important 2023 release I’ve read and I will be singing this book’s praises for years. Thank you, Prachi, for the gift that this story truly is❤️
January 26, 2024
Although I managed to finish the book over the weekend, it was a challenging read. The book is a memoir that delves into the life of an immigrant family that appears exemplary on the surface: the author herself a successful journalist contributing to many top publications, the father is a respected doctor, the brother a Computer Science graduate from a prestigious university and the mother, a devoted homemaker. However, their lives were very far from perfect.
The memoir is written like a letter to her mother. The first half of the book is centered around the typical dynamics of a patriarchal household, where the author recollects her father frequently becoming angry at seemingly trivial things. Given the family dynamics, the family felt silenced and were unable to confront him. This was very unsettling to read about. But as the story progresses into the second half my initial discomfort into utter shock. The second half focused on how various members of the authors family, including the author were struggling with mental illness. She goes on to recollect some very disturbing events and how they deeply impacted every immediate and extended family member including herself, her relationships, her career and her self worth. She talks about how mental illness combined with patriarchal structures allows for older male men to get away with a lot of their antics. Their unresolved trauma not only remains a shadow in their own lives but also inflicts profound and lasting damage on their children, perpetuating a cycle of suffering across generations, which is sadly not uncommon in Indian households both within and outside India. In addition to this the author does a great job of pointing out how outward success, creates an illusion of normalcy and further makes it harder to convince people and oneself that something is very very wrong.
I loved the book because the author wrote with great clarity and articulated well all the complex emotions that came with growing up in a dysfunctional, abusive, volatile and seemingly successful Indian household.
The memoir is written like a letter to her mother. The first half of the book is centered around the typical dynamics of a patriarchal household, where the author recollects her father frequently becoming angry at seemingly trivial things. Given the family dynamics, the family felt silenced and were unable to confront him. This was very unsettling to read about. But as the story progresses into the second half my initial discomfort into utter shock. The second half focused on how various members of the authors family, including the author were struggling with mental illness. She goes on to recollect some very disturbing events and how they deeply impacted every immediate and extended family member including herself, her relationships, her career and her self worth. She talks about how mental illness combined with patriarchal structures allows for older male men to get away with a lot of their antics. Their unresolved trauma not only remains a shadow in their own lives but also inflicts profound and lasting damage on their children, perpetuating a cycle of suffering across generations, which is sadly not uncommon in Indian households both within and outside India. In addition to this the author does a great job of pointing out how outward success, creates an illusion of normalcy and further makes it harder to convince people and oneself that something is very very wrong.
I loved the book because the author wrote with great clarity and articulated well all the complex emotions that came with growing up in a dysfunctional, abusive, volatile and seemingly successful Indian household.
January 6, 2024
Wow, still reeling from this. An intensely raw and beautiful love letter and testimony that raises many important themes; the fragility/fallacy of the American dream, complex family psychopathology and generational trauma, the harm inflicted by a singular definition of success (=money), and much more.
The most incredible part of this book was Prachi’s deep introspection into the different layers of her identity (American, Indian, woman, daughter). She heroically untangles crazily complex questions in an effort to separate ‘self’ from the roles constantly imposed upon her.
Highly recommend and heard it’s even better on audio!
The most incredible part of this book was Prachi’s deep introspection into the different layers of her identity (American, Indian, woman, daughter). She heroically untangles crazily complex questions in an effort to separate ‘self’ from the roles constantly imposed upon her.
Highly recommend and heard it’s even better on audio!
August 22, 2023
Sobbed my way through this extraordinary memoir. The writing is stunning, self-reflective, and painfully honest. I saw so much of my own parents in this story, as well as my own journey to independence and self-actualisation that I’m still navigating today. I am incredibly grateful to people like Prachi Gupta who have taken an amazing, courageous step in sharing their stories with honesty and vulnerability, and allowing people like me to find solace and comfort in shared grief and pain. This will undoubtedly be my favorite book of the year.
January 5, 2024
A powerful memoir of the immigrant narrative and the effects of capitalism on our psyche. I cried with the author through her revelations and losses.
March 19, 2024
5.0 stars. I listened to this book, because I would have DNF if I was reading it. I wouldn't have had the courage to keep going, since this book hit on issues WAY too close to home. Reading it would have pulled me in too far and destroyed me, and I barely recovered from listening to it.
Gupta does a beautiful job of describing the Indian American family dynamics of a nuclear ideal family. She describes each member of the family- her father (surgeon), her mother (homemaker), her younger brother (high aptitude), and Gupta herself. I really could have used this book about 20-30 years ago to better describe the trauma/abuse I myself suffered. While Gupta suffered more than I did due to her family situations, I wholeheartedly understand every aspect the complicated relationships she had to maneuver and navigate through to survive.
I am still internally processing this profound work. Thank you so much for writing this. Thank you to the book club that suggested this book to read. I will be suggesting this book to women within my Indian community. You are not alone.
Gupta does a beautiful job of describing the Indian American family dynamics of a nuclear ideal family. She describes each member of the family- her father (surgeon), her mother (homemaker), her younger brother (high aptitude), and Gupta herself. I really could have used this book about 20-30 years ago to better describe the trauma/abuse I myself suffered. While Gupta suffered more than I did due to her family situations, I wholeheartedly understand every aspect the complicated relationships she had to maneuver and navigate through to survive.
I am still internally processing this profound work. Thank you so much for writing this. Thank you to the book club that suggested this book to read. I will be suggesting this book to women within my Indian community. You are not alone.
March 17, 2024
this was tugging at my heartstrings like crazy 😭i marked an insane amount of paragraphs that resonated with me and i don’t think i’ll ever forget this book
September 10, 2023
In "They Called Us Exceptional", journalist Prachi Gupta unravels the complicated history of her family and the complex relationships she had with her father, mother, and brother Yush. Her memoir is framed as a conversation to her mother as she looks back on her upbringing in an immigrant Indian American household growing up in the suburbs of Pennsylvania. The memories are painful and difficult, painting a family that appeared to be perfect at surface level with her father as a successful doctor, a stay-at-home mother, and two ambitious and hand-working children. The focus on appearances and the avoidance of shame however, is just one of many causes to the family's unraveling.
As a fellow first generation Asian immigrant in the US, there's so much about Prachi's story that hit home for me - the constant, unabating desire to please one's parents, especially her father; the controlling and demanding rules that were enforced, especially on her academic performance and social life; the love and affection she holds for her parents juxtaposed with anger and frustration. Her family becomes one that is delicately balanced, subject to topple at any moment due to the temper and whims of her father, and Prachi and her brother do their best to buffer his anger and protect their mother. Even as an adult, Prachi is unable to escape her family dynamic, and we see how the impacts of mental illness reverberate across each member of her family, culminating in a devastating loss.
Every chapter of this memoir is a stab in the heart as the author lays bare the what lay at the core of her family. From her father's toxic and manipulative behavior (whether intentional or not), the ongoing patriarchal standards leave women in abusive and dangerous situations, the unrelenting expectations and standards many Asian immigrant parents have for their children, and the overlooked mental illness that fails to be addressed in many families... There are so many difficult yet important subjects that Gupta covers in her memoir that will ring true for many readers.
Perhaps the best way to describe this book is using a line from the memoir itself: "They called us exceptional... and it destroyed us."
As a fellow first generation Asian immigrant in the US, there's so much about Prachi's story that hit home for me - the constant, unabating desire to please one's parents, especially her father; the controlling and demanding rules that were enforced, especially on her academic performance and social life; the love and affection she holds for her parents juxtaposed with anger and frustration. Her family becomes one that is delicately balanced, subject to topple at any moment due to the temper and whims of her father, and Prachi and her brother do their best to buffer his anger and protect their mother. Even as an adult, Prachi is unable to escape her family dynamic, and we see how the impacts of mental illness reverberate across each member of her family, culminating in a devastating loss.
Every chapter of this memoir is a stab in the heart as the author lays bare the what lay at the core of her family. From her father's toxic and manipulative behavior (whether intentional or not), the ongoing patriarchal standards leave women in abusive and dangerous situations, the unrelenting expectations and standards many Asian immigrant parents have for their children, and the overlooked mental illness that fails to be addressed in many families... There are so many difficult yet important subjects that Gupta covers in her memoir that will ring true for many readers.
Perhaps the best way to describe this book is using a line from the memoir itself: "They called us exceptional... and it destroyed us."
November 12, 2023
This book was surprisingly recommended by my dad. My wife, who then got the audiobook, listened to it and said "you need to read this", and I started, and I just could not stop listening to the audiobook. This memoir is probably one of the most tragically heart-wrenching stories that I've ever read or listened to.
Prachi, the author, describes her and her brother's lives growing up as ABCDs (American-born confused Desis) in suburban America, and the immense social pressures they and their family faced to be perceived as successful and match the mythical expectations of being a model minority family. She delves deep into the literal trauma that had been beneath the surface through her teenage and college years, and how it all inevitably boils over in devastating ways later in life.
It's hard to condense what I took away from this book into a couple of paragraphs, because there's just so much to process, but what I found relatable were, broadly, what I think is common among the Indian-American experience: an internal tug-of-war among multiple cultural expectations foisted upon oneself and the pressure to conform to them all, and the pressure to prioritize academic and financial achievement above all else at the likely expense of other important things in life. Additionally, while mental health issues are already stigmatized in the United States, this stigmatization is usually magnified by an order of magnitude through the lens of traditional Indian culture and norms, as is made so apparent by the heartbreakingly many ways that this emerges within Prachi's family. These types of issues have, unfortunately, shown up within my own family (being an ABCD myself), though not nearly to the extent as is portrayed in this book.
I would recommend this book to anyone who's interested in gaining some perspective on the harsh realities of what it can mean to grow up as an Indian American, regardless of whether the reader has any prior knowledge of Indian culture. Just be prepared for an emotional roller coaster.
Prachi, the author, describes her and her brother's lives growing up as ABCDs (American-born confused Desis) in suburban America, and the immense social pressures they and their family faced to be perceived as successful and match the mythical expectations of being a model minority family. She delves deep into the literal trauma that had been beneath the surface through her teenage and college years, and how it all inevitably boils over in devastating ways later in life.
It's hard to condense what I took away from this book into a couple of paragraphs, because there's just so much to process, but what I found relatable were, broadly, what I think is common among the Indian-American experience: an internal tug-of-war among multiple cultural expectations foisted upon oneself and the pressure to conform to them all, and the pressure to prioritize academic and financial achievement above all else at the likely expense of other important things in life. Additionally, while mental health issues are already stigmatized in the United States, this stigmatization is usually magnified by an order of magnitude through the lens of traditional Indian culture and norms, as is made so apparent by the heartbreakingly many ways that this emerges within Prachi's family. These types of issues have, unfortunately, shown up within my own family (being an ABCD myself), though not nearly to the extent as is portrayed in this book.
I would recommend this book to anyone who's interested in gaining some perspective on the harsh realities of what it can mean to grow up as an Indian American, regardless of whether the reader has any prior knowledge of Indian culture. Just be prepared for an emotional roller coaster.
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March 15, 2024Sad, harrowing, but ultimately not as persuasive as I expected. Her story is tragic and, I think, valuable for its articulation of taboos (i.e. paternalism and stigmatization of mental health in Indian communities) and the cultural dynamics that perpetuate them. But I found the arguments connecting her family’s extraordinary traumas to post-colonial racism and the “model minority” myth to be uneven.
She herself admits some doubt over the roots of her family’s dysfunction, which is appreciated, but she nevertheless ends too many chapters obligatorily casting a line back to the book’s prefigured ideological spine (often accompanied by an ambivalent mea culpa to her mother). For me, it left the text in an awkward place between diary, memoir, and cultural critique, each having its moments but never cohering into something powerful and persuasive on all fronts.
Combined with the fact that I found Gupta's writing to have diminishing returns (ironically, the second-person to her mother felt increasingly contrived), I left this book with mixed feelings. Sympathetic to Gupta for her family’s struggles, grateful for her articulation of retrograde cultural attitudes and the assimilationist forces that alternately erode and strengthen them, but largely frustrated by what I felt was an extraordinary personal story but an undercooked parable about a larger community.
She herself admits some doubt over the roots of her family’s dysfunction, which is appreciated, but she nevertheless ends too many chapters obligatorily casting a line back to the book’s prefigured ideological spine (often accompanied by an ambivalent mea culpa to her mother). For me, it left the text in an awkward place between diary, memoir, and cultural critique, each having its moments but never cohering into something powerful and persuasive on all fronts.
Combined with the fact that I found Gupta's writing to have diminishing returns (ironically, the second-person to her mother felt increasingly contrived), I left this book with mixed feelings. Sympathetic to Gupta for her family’s struggles, grateful for her articulation of retrograde cultural attitudes and the assimilationist forces that alternately erode and strengthen them, but largely frustrated by what I felt was an extraordinary personal story but an undercooked parable about a larger community.
September 8, 2023
This book is absolutely beautiful. As an ABCD woman, I felt like Prachi Gupta wrote in a language she had created just for us, articulating so many things that I have felt, but had never had the words to say. Gupta’s depictions of our culture, as Desi people raised in the West, is not only accurate, but her insights on the forces that shape us are mind opening and incredibly thoughtful.
I can’t speak to reading this as a non-Desi because I felt so many personal attachments to this book, but what I can say is this: Prachi Gupta’s memoir is a fantastic entry point for understanding intersectional feminism as praxis and opens a dialogue about what it means to belong when torn between cultures and their respective expectations of us.
This book is a lesson in self-compassion, a practice that (imo) is too often written off as selfish within South Asian diasporic culture. I closed this book feeling not only seen, but hopeful for what is possible within our culture and the ways in which we might be able to connect to our roots without feeling burdened by the expectations imposed upon us.
I can’t speak to reading this as a non-Desi because I felt so many personal attachments to this book, but what I can say is this: Prachi Gupta’s memoir is a fantastic entry point for understanding intersectional feminism as praxis and opens a dialogue about what it means to belong when torn between cultures and their respective expectations of us.
This book is a lesson in self-compassion, a practice that (imo) is too often written off as selfish within South Asian diasporic culture. I closed this book feeling not only seen, but hopeful for what is possible within our culture and the ways in which we might be able to connect to our roots without feeling burdened by the expectations imposed upon us.
February 4, 2024
I don't usually write reviews, but this deserves one. It was an incredibly raw, powerful, and heartbreaking read. With a little brother of my own, I grieved for the sister who lost hers and feared for what this world can do to sweet, impressionable little boys. The pain, the confusion, and the helplessness, it's all so beautifully written. How can you not grieve for the author, the author's mother? I think they are, in fact, two sides of the same coin, two outcomes of a household and a system bent upon separating them by their choices, but binding them by their suffering. Absolute love to the author and my heart to her mother and all the women who believe they have no agency, I hope they can free themselves for their sake and theirs only. Must read for anyone interested in the model minority myth and intersectional feminism.
October 9, 2023
In many ways, devastating. I am glad there are more stories like this being told. It reminded me of What My Bones Know- showing the immense pressure a family can be under, how parents can affect their children, how the immigrant experience and dynamics don’t always line up with American psych assumptions and practices. How can these factors not affect the relational dynamics and the ways members see themselves? The story is not like mine, but I appreciate how she illustrates her process and takes the reader with her.
November 18, 2023
this was truly an emotional gut punch. Gupta masterfully articulated the complex dynamics of an Indian family, the pressure/inevitability of success (in a capitalist sense) of immigrant kids, how mental health issues get swept under the rug, and the damage that the patriarchy has on everyone. Ultimately, it’s also about Gupta recognizing the toxicity of her upbringing, working to unlearn harmful belief systems, and becoming the person she wants to be.
I’ll definitely need to reread in order to fully absorb and highlight the impactful passages.
I’ll definitely need to reread in order to fully absorb and highlight the impactful passages.
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