8 Early Warning Signs of Physical Abusive Person or Relationship

When you’re being physically abused by a partner, you usually know it. And your family and friends might too if you’re unable to hide obvious red flags like bruises, scratches or broken bones. But more often than not, things don’t start off that way right from the start. There are usually non-violent warning signs that can be easy to brush off (or even identify), until they crescendo to full-blown physicality.

“We call these pink flags,” says Judy Ho, Ph.D., a clinical neuropsychologist and author of Stop Self-Sabotage: Six Steps to Unlock Your True Motivation. “They’re more subtle and can seem a bit innocuous at first, but they are really the abuser’s way of isolating and instilling fear so that someone feels like they have nowhere to turn for help.”

You may notice these early physical abuse warning signs as being present in your own relationship — or these pink flags may remind you of a friend or family member. “One in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will experience physical violence by an intimate partner,” says Lauren Hanley, MS, NCC, a domestic violence and advocacy coordinator at the Greater Baltimore Medical Center SAFE & Domestic Violence Program in Maryland.

Learn more about what early physical abuse warning signs may look like, and what you can do to help a loved one or yourself.

Warning signs of physical abuse:

Dual personalities

Being showered with compliments and affection probably doesn’t make you worry that the relationship will turn physically abusive — and it doesn’t always have to mean that! But when this love bombing is sprinkled with little moments of meanness or control, that’s a pink flag. “When there’s a ramp up to physical violence, the beginning often feels like a fairytale romance,” says Dr. Ho. Then that love and affection starts alternating with these other types of behavior, which jumpstarts a cycle of begging for forgiveness, then reminding you how “wonderful” they are by switching back to the flowers and gifts. “We have selective memory when we care about somebody, so it’s easy to think that it was a one-time thing,” Dr. Ho adds.

Acting one way in public and a different way in private is also a pink flag. “They often appear charming around others for the purpose of making people think they’re this great person, but behind closed doors it’s a totally different story,” says Jaime Zuckerman, Psy.D, a licensed clinical psychologist in Pennsylvania. “This sets it up so that the person being abused will assume others won’t believe them if they share what’s really going on.” This also makes someone doubt their own instincts, Dr. Zuckerman adds, because you’re the only person the abuser treats poorly.

Manipulation

Manipulation tactics are commonly employed by abusers, and it’s all about making you feel like you’re the problem, not them. “Abusers often blame you for things when they go wrong, or blame you for their own abusive behavior,” says Dr. Ho. “ They say things like ‘it’s because I love you so much, this is why you made me do this,’ to make you feel like you’re partially responsible for what is happening.” Gaslighting, in particular, is a common thread in unhealthy or abusive relationships — that's when someone uses their words and false narratives to make you question the truth or your perception of the truth or certain situations, so that even your mind is under the abuser's control.

Isolation

An early warning sign is isolating someone from their support system by limiting or cutting off contact. Your partner may insist on always being around when friends or family call, and eventually may insist that you don’t hang out with other people at all. “They may say things like ‘if you really love me you won’t be friends with that person,’ or they may also try to convince you that your loved ones don’t have your best interests at heart so that you feel like your partner is the only one who loves you and has your back,” adds Dr. Ho.

Sharing everything

When you’re in a healthy relationship, you naturally want to share things with you partner, whether that’s experiences or a bank account. But going joint on things that are normal to be individualistic—like phones, social media accounts, house keys, or cars—can also be an abuser’s way of controlling you and taking away your sense of independence, autonomy, and freedom. “It should send off an alarm if your partner suggests sharing things like cell phones or Facebook accounts. They may frame it as ‘convenience’ or for ‘financial’ reasons, but it’s really control,” says Dr. Ho. “This gives them the opportunity to monitor your activity throughout the day because they’re able to check on your calls and text messages, and if they insist on sharing just one car when two makes more sense, they have control over everywhere you go, including work.” While it’s normal for spouses to share a bank account or expenses, signs that your situation might be abnormal are things like restricting how you spend your money, interrogating you over every single purchase, or asking for your account number or passwords, adds Ho.

Jealousy and control

Trying to control aspects of your health and body, commenting about what you eat or how much you exercise or making jealous accusations are all controlling behaviors that an abuser may spin as them “proving their dedication and love to you,” says Dr. Ho. “It’s all an effort to control your sphere of influence and how you feel about yourself.”

Violence toward animals

Not every physical abuser will hurt animals, but if you notice your partner doesn’t think twice before screaming at the cat for scratching your couch, or kicking the dog for barking at the mailman, know that that type of reaction is not normal, and it could signal their potential to also be violent toward you, Dr. Zuckerman says.

Other signs to watch out for:

These early warning signs of physical abuse may be more commonly apparent to loved ones and outsiders looking in — not necessarily by the person displaying them.

Being hypervigilant

We all get startled at times, but if you notice yourself or a loved one suddenly seems extra jumpy or on edge, that could be a sign that the relationship may turn violent — or already has. “When someone is being abused or existing in an unpredictable environment where you never know if the other person is going to be nice or mean, your nervous system is pretty much in fight or flight mode at all times — so a loud noise or tap on the shoulder can cause you to respond with things like shallow breathing and tense muscles due to the increase in adrenaline and cortisol that’s released,” explains Dr. Zuckerman.

Physical behavior changes

If you notice a loved one is starting to do things that weren’t normal for them before, such as slouching when interacting with others or avoiding eye contact, this may be coincidental—but could be a sign that there’s emotional abuse at play (which is often a precursor to physical violence), or that physical abuse has already started. “Avoiding eye contact or slouching is about trying to make yourself smaller, in a sense,” says Dr. Zuckerman.

How to get help:

First, understand that feeling overwhelmed at the thought of asking for help is normal. “It is never easy for victims to simply leave their abusive relationship, and there are various barriers, including societal victim blaming (shame), that play into the cycle of violence and keep many individuals from reaching out for help,” says Hanley.

A good first step is to explore the resources that are there to help you; national resources can help connect you with options available to you locally. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great place to talk with advocates, find a list of local resources that can help you sort out things like shelter or financials and information about setting up a plan to help you safely leave the relationship. You can also call 800-799-7233 or text LOVEIS to 2252 to chat with advocates.