‘All Too Well’ Has Us Asking—When Is an Age Gap Inappropriate?

Images of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal from October 2010 are crystalized forever in many minds. The paparazzi snaps capture something essentially autumnal—the falling leaves, knit beanies, paper coffee cups, the new-beginning beauty of falling in love. Swift and Gyllenhaal looked like love's most photogenic representatives. They are literally picture perfect.  

She was 20 years old. He was 29.  

Swift remembers her relationships “all too well,” as she sings in 2012 album, Red, which is widely understood to be about her relationship with Gyllenhaal. But we, the public, have a memory that warps with time. 

During their relationship, coverage tended to ignore the couple's age gap, or to suggest that Swift alone was responsible for it. Us Weekly noted that Swift's boyfriend was “nearly a decade her senior.” Sounds Like Nashville featured Swift on a list of female stars who “go for the older guys.” In 2012, Business Insider published a listicle titled “A Timeline of the Age-Inappropriateness of Taylor Swift's Romances.”  

But now, as Swift rereleases Red, including a long-awaited 10-minute version of “All Too Well,” a different narrative has emerged. Urged by Swift's choice to cast 19-year-old Sadie Sink and 30-year-old Dylan O'Brien in the “All Too Well” music video, as well as a line in the extended lyrics, fans are reexamining Swift and Gyllenhaal's relationship. (“You said if we had been closer in age, maybe it would have been fine / And that made me want to die,” Swift sings.) This time, instead of Swift being cast as a temptress, Gyllenhaal's behavior is under scrutiny. 

Let's be clear: It's legal for a 29-year-old to date a 20-year-old. The oldest age of consent set by any U.S. state is 18. But just because something is legal doesn't mean it's ethical. For some women who were teens during the Red era and now are closer to Gyllenhaal's current age, this new perspective feels troubling. This relitigation of an antique pop culture moment—a kind of collective whoopsie about the demonization of a too-young woman—feels like Britney Spears all over again. 

Feminist writer and critic Moira Donegan summed up one view on Twitter: “Taylor Swift revisiting her 10-years-old bad breakup with an older man reflects a really particular feeling where women remember relationships they had with older men in their teens and twenties and wake up like ‘wait, that was exploitation.’” And young adult novelist Leah Johnson tweeted, “All I can think about after watching Sadie Sink (a BABY!) in that role is how predatory that age gap really was and instead of empathizing with Taylor or acknowledging that particular type of harm in that era all folks wanted to do was get their jokes off about her dating history.”

But in another popular tweet, a user named Rachel raged against “the constant infantilizing of female adult celebs,” calling out those who are “acting like a 9-year age gap is factually, inherently predatory between two consenting adults.” 

Put aside for a moment Swift's polarizing charms and Gyllenhaal's status as a kind of alt-America sweetheart. The Red revival is causing a moment of reckoning bigger than just their brief relationship. Fans and critics are asking: Can a legal age gap be inappropriate? If one member of a couple was recently a minor, does that make the relationship predatory?  

We asked Grace Huntley, LMHC, a therapist through the mental health platform Alma, to help us parse the intensely fraught issue of romantic age gaps. 

Glamour: How do we know when an age gap is too big?

Grace Huntley: Anything under the age of consent of course is a no-go. After that, it depends on the individuals and is less about age than it is a matter of maturity, power, and life experience. Whenever a match isn't possible due to these factors, whether because of different lived experiences, professional roles, or life stages, the fit isn't right. 

When is an age gap totally fine, and when is it predatory? 

Huntley: A specific factor to consider is a power imbalance. This can occur when one person, due to their position in life, finances, or status, has undue power to control and influence the other person. 

We know the age of consent is 18. But how can we tell if someone who is older than that is being taken advantage of? 

Huntley: One thing to be aware of is patterns of behavior. If someone has a history of consistently dating up against the age of consent, and if their partners have little in common besides that age, then there may be more to look into. Additionally, if the age of consent is being viewed more as a legal green flag than as legislation to prevent exploitation, this is a good sign that something else is amiss. The danger lies when a partner is failing to see the other person as a whole person, and instead is using them for a specific attribute or feature. 

So what's the bottom line? Romantic relationships are a complex exchange of power. It's really, really hard to tell what's happening in another person's relationship. But it's always okay to voice your discomfort, to go back and say, “That was not okay.” A whole decade can pass—and that memory can feel not so far away. 

Jenny Singer is a staff writer for Glamour. You can follow her on Twitter.