Dear E. Jean : My relationship with my girlfriend ended with her leaving me. We continue to see each other as friends and I'm still invited to her house. The other night I attended a small dinner party there with her, her new boyfriend, and her mother, who is single. After dinner, my ex and her boyfriend left for their date. I offered to stay and help clean up, and after it was over, her mother thanked me with a passionate kiss. I'd really like to have sex with her. Do you think there's a chance, given the difference in our ages (I'm 18) and the fact that I was her daughter's boyfriend?
—Willing
Willing, my man: Auntie Eeee thinks there's a 99.9 percent chance that many older women (i.e., over 30) would like to take advantage of your adolescent growth spurt, but your ex-girlfriend's mother is not mature enough to have sex yet, so you must refrain. It would destroy your friendship with your ex, probably poison the love between the mother and her daughter, and leave the vigorous young girls in your neighborhood without help lath-ering their lemon squeezers. Meanwhile, stay away from that house! Going for a dip in a shark tank would be safer for a lad.
P.S. You may take the mother a muffin basket when you're 25.
The greatest book about the battle of the sexes is not The Art of Love by the Roman poet Ovid—though that is a seriously fantastic read. No, the greatest book about love is The Art of War by the Chinese general Sun-tzu. So gather round, my maidens. Lift your Valentine martinis and let us toast the heart-stomping tactics presented 2,600 years ago by old Sunny-tzu.
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