Note: This post mentions pregnancy loss.
When people get married, it's natural to have issues with the in-laws, but sometimes, things get a little... toxic. So we asked our BuzzFeed Community, "Married women with in-laws, when did you notice they were beyond toxic?" The stories were downright horrible. Here's what they had to say:
1. "About a week after we got married, my husband and I got some of our photos back from the photographer. His mom had been asking for photos to make an Instagram post, so we sent them to her. She proceeded to post a photo collage of my husband walking HER down the aisle and then a few photos of him and his siblings. She captioned it, 'A week ago, I got to walk up the aisle with my sweet boy at his wedding!' I (the bride) was nowhere to be found. From the look of the post, he might as well have gotten married to his mom. To this day, her phone and computer backgrounds are photos of my husband and his siblings from our wedding — with me missing. It sucks because before we got engaged, I felt like his mom actually liked me. But as soon as the ring was on my finger, something changed, and she hasn't been the same since."
2. "At my bridal shower, my fiancé's stepmom said in front of everyone that my bridesmaids and I could get ready for the wedding at their house since they had mirrored walls. When it got close to the ceremony, I asked her what time we could come over, but she denied ever making the offer. I ended up getting ready for my wedding alone in my own bathroom since the venue didn’t have a place for us, and my house didn’t have the bathroom space for us. It was sad getting ready alone, and everyone remembered her inviting us over! She’s always been like that."
3. "We lived in the downstairs apartment. Every time we fought, my father-in-law would come downstairs, knock on the door, come in without waiting for us to answer, and tell us that, as a therapist, his advice was for me to apologize because it would diffuse the situation. Then, we could both take responsibility after I apologized, even when my husband was abusing me or cheating. It was never his fault; it was always mine. We lived with the father-in-law for five years, and my ex used him to triangulate the situation, so he was always right. It was pure hell. Now, we're divorced, and he still lives with his dad."
4. "My MIL accused me of faking cancer. She said that I couldn’t imagine the amount of stress it had caused her to think that I might be dying and that she couldn’t now believe that anyone could have so much wrong with them and still be alive a year later. My husband and I very patiently explained the treatments and surgeries I had undergone and the ongoing treatment plan, as well as the fact that my cancer is incurable. She still wasn’t having it and spread the rumor around the family that I was faking cancer so I didn’t have to work. There's no coming back from that, really."
5. "My MIL knew we were struggling to get pregnant, and she informed me that I 'wasn’t in my early 20s anymore, and it might not happen.' When I did get pregnant, I gained weight, and she told me that she only gained 12 pounds during her pregnancy."
6. "There are two big moments that sealed their toxicity for me. The first was six months after my father died suddenly. My FIL told me on Father's Day that 'it must suck to be there knowing your dad is dead,' and I belong to the 'No Father's Club.' The second was at my and my husband's wedding when my SIL got drunk and peed all over herself because she was bitter about not being asked to be a bridesmaid. (We only had a best man and maid of honor, no bridesmaids or groomsmen.)"
7. "I remember I had barely moved into my in-laws house. My brother-in-law had his girlfriend and baby living there, too, and they were teenagers at the time. One time, my brother-in-law's girlfriend asked me if I could curl her hair, and I was happy to do it. Our mother-in-law walked in, and I could tell she was not okay with us spending time together, so eventually, one night, she pulled me to the side and told me that sisters-in-laws should never be best friends. I thought it was weird, so I walked away. Unfortunately, my husband passed away two years later, and I finally figured out why she told me that. It was because she would talk bad about me to her and vice versa. She didn't want us to get along and accidentally mention the bad things she would say about us to each other. It's been over seven years since I have seen them because there were many more horrible things they did."
8. "She sent my husband (her son) a card for Mother’s Day and said nothing to me."
—Cher, 47, Florida
9. "They have been absolutely lovely to me. But to their own children, they are super toxic. My husband's mother told him his grandparents would stop loving him if he didn't do well at school (he was depressed and failing a semester at university at the time)."
10. "My husband and I had been married about six years when my father's cancer returned. My mother-in-law had been bugging us for grandchildren for the past few years. One day, while visiting, she pulled my husband aside and told him he should 'let me have a baby to take my mind off my father dying.' Mind you, I was the only person taking care of him; there was no other family around. So I was supposed to be pregnant and then take care of a baby at the same time? I wish my husband had never told me."
—Anonymous, 46, Pennsylvania
11. "I knew my mother-in-law was toxic when if my partner did something wrong, it was automatically my fault. He got caught driving after drinking a bit too much while I was in a different state? My fault! I should've stopped him. My partner got into an argument with his sister? My fault! I should be reminding him to be more respectful. He put on a couple of pounds? My fault! I should be at home cooking for him so he doesn't buy takeaway on the way home from work even though he finishes at 1 p.m. and I finish at 6:30 p.m. I haven't seen my mother-in-law in eight months now, and I put her on the block. My partner 100% understands why."
12. "They were always judgemental and pretty out of touch with normal people's financial struggles. But this really opened my eyes a lot. My husband was laid off from his high-paying job and had been looking for work for many months. We were missing mortgage payments and had a friend willing to pay rent and move in with us, but we were still short and/or behind on all our bills. We blew through a good portion of our savings trying to keep up. I was taking extra shifts at work to cover costs as well as I could. My husband reluctantly took a job working retail while still searching for a job in his field of work, but it still wasn't enough. We began exploring selling the house as it was our most costly expense. Then, my husband's relative passed away and left him a little bit of inheritance money in the care of my husband's parents."
"We asked them to give us the inheritance money because it would help to have it should we really need it for a medical emergency, threat from creditors, etc.
They gave it to us along with a very judgmental letter explaining how they expected that, in return, we would make some lifestyle changes. It was superficial stuff like losing weight, wearing better clothing, taking better care of our lawn, and many other things that were actually none of their business. Also, hello!? With what money? We are not going to spend money on repairs if we can hardly pay our mortgage to begin with. And once your child grows up, you can't dictate those sorts of things to them. It's not a proper thing to do to any adult. And it was my husband's money, not theirs.
In the end, we cut them out of our lives and put the money into savings. Luckily, my husband managed to snag a job even better than the one he had before, but for six months, it was pretty scary worrying about losing the roof over our heads. By the way, we kept the letter his parents gave us and had it professionally framed and matted. It hangs in our living room as a reminder of why we don't talk to them anymore.
—Anonymous, 42, Ohio
13. "I grew up in a very poor neighborhood in single-story 'housing,' and we had little to no money as children. My husband grew up in a house in the true middle class. When my husband and I bought our first house, we had our in-laws over for a get-together to see our new home. My in-laws and I had many problems before, but I knew we would never be close after their first words to me upon entering our new home was the following: 'So, what does it feel like for you finally living in a home with stairs? It must be so exciting for you!' I knew right then that they saw me as 'less than' and not worthy of her son. It is fine, though. We are over 20 years strong now, and that's really all that matters."
14. "When we announced our second pregnancy after a devastating late-term miscarriage, my FIL laughed and said, 'I’ll believe it when I see a baby.' He still maintains he said nothing wrong."
—Anonymous, 36, Florida
15. And finally, "I realized my MIL was toxic when she gave me a 'gift.' The gift was a top from a high-end name-brand clothing store. I thought that it was very generous of her to buy me something for no real reason (it wasn’t my birthday or holiday). However, after she made me try it on (at her house), and I told her I loved it, she said, 'It was on sale for $75; you can just write me a check.' I was 23, had just moved to a new city, and was beyond broke. What did I do? I wrote her a check for $75, and my husband promptly set boundaries regarding 'gifts' after that mishap."
