Buzz·Posted on 19 June 201822 Funny Tweets To Scroll Through Next Time You're On The Toilet"Body type: Not bad but DEFINITELY doesn’t know how to say no to soft serve ice cream on a summer night."by Jemima SkelleyBuzzFeed Staff, Australia 1. Catherine Cohen @catccohen my morning routine? lemon water, pilates, elaborate spreadsheet of every person i spoke to the day before & a detailed analysis of whether or not they are mad at me, wheat toast 11:53 PM - 20 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. bobby @bobby just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand. 03:36 AM - 07 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. alex @aoverill If you drive past horses and don’t say “horses” you’re a psychopath 03:45 PM - 15 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Naomi @unpleasantbabe I look at myself in the mirror like this when I’m drunk https://t.co/RxEMTcM5lJ 12:45 AM - 23 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. dirty dan @daniellemaria99 why is my friend group so hot I feel like fuckin Kevin Jonas 03:29 PM - 24 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. A! @a4anthony_ The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate 08:40 PM - 01 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. courtney @courtnee_martin Body type: Not bad but DEFINITELY doesn’t know how to say no to soft serve ice cream on a summer night. 12:47 AM - 03 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Catherynne Valente @catvalente I mean, sex is all right but have you ever experienced the sheer sensuality of having rock-solid proof that a problem at work was someone else's fault even though it really, really looked like it was yours? 06:48 PM - 31 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Sean T. Collins @theseantcollins (Log me off) Log me off this site (I can't log off) Log me off this site (Save me) Mute my tweets and take away my phone 06:25 PM - 04 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Marie Le Conte @youngvulgarian Two auto-replying bots have now been stuck in a loop with each other for several hours and the resulting thread reads like most of my internal monologue: https://t.co/QK5NThBTAN 01:18 PM - 07 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. twenty-kate-teen @katefeetie ME: I look cute MIRRORS: you look cute STORE WINDOWS: you look cute OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch 02:37 AM - 10 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Mike Ginn @shutupmikeginn My main form of therapy is pirating The Sims, making a little version of myself, then drowning him in a pool. And let me tell you, it is VERY ineffective. 03:31 AM - 12 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. David Malki ! @malki online: it’s easy to get caught up in negativity. here’s a 30-part self-care checklist. it’s ok to cut toxicity out of your life also online: what’s everyone subtweeting about? give me that hot goss. omg dragggg himmmm, your fave is cancelled 06:15 PM - 12 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Georgia Hardstark @GHardstark Wow. Ive never identified with a tweet more https://t.co/tffvhBiOWi 01:10 PM - 14 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Kevin Farzad @KevinFarzad True indicator of having your shit together: the outside of your olive oil bottle is not oily 11:27 PM - 09 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Russell @RussellFalcon Me: I chose to be happy today! Brain: 10:20 PM - 14 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. rikki brumbaugh @rikkibrumbaugh Dude I’m the worst when it comes to packing for trips. Like I know I won't need 20 pairs of underwear for a 5 day trip but what if I pee my pants twice every single day I'm there 03:15 AM - 06 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. skye amber @_skyeamber my ex boyfriend called me a house cat. he said, “you nap a lot, you disappear for a few hours & nobody knows wtf you do, you come back around and ask for attention then you push people away and nap again” the accuracy though 06:52 PM - 10 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. ámaris @AmbitiousAmaris I felt this shit on a personal level 02:50 PM - 15 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. leah bullock @leahbullock_8 a tragedy: when your hair-wash cycle doesn't coordinate w/ an event & you overestimate the amount of time in which your hair can last w/o being washed 11:58 AM - 16 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. rox @granados_roxana Me calling my dad when my car starts making noise or when the engine light comes on 06:07 PM - 14 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. brandy @Hi_Im_Ishi I cannot stop thinking about MySpace and how most of you under 19 have never experienced its peak. You never spent 5+ hours finding a moving glitter wallpaper, a shitty owl city song for your profile, reposting bulletins so a clown won’t kill your mum and of course pic4pic? [: 04:22 AM - 13 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite