Everyone has their own preferences when it comes to how to raise children. But ideally, your preferences would align with your partners...
This woman posted this thread in the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit, asking whether it was wrong of her to laugh at her boyfriend when he suggested she should be a stay-at-home mum. Here's what went down:
BTW: Am I The Asshole is a discussion page on Reddit where users ask for advice on whether or not they are the asshole in the situation.
"I recently found out I'm pregnant with my boyfriend Andrew's child. We have been dating for three years and our relationship is pretty good. We both want children eventually, though we planned to have them later after we're a bit more established in our careers."
"The pregnancy came as a surprise since we're pretty safe with sex — we use condoms and I'm on birth control, I guess we were just unlucky. Initially we considered aborting or placing the baby for adoption but decided to keep it."
"I graduated college last year and have a job that pays okay money with the possibility of future promotions and raises. My boyfriend works as an electrician and also makes good money, so with both of our incomes we should be able to afford the baby."
"A couple days after we decided we were keeping our child, Andrew told me that he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mum. He said that he believed that it was better for the baby, that he was raised by a stay-at-home mum and loved it and he wanted to give our child that same life."
"He said that he had been talking with his boss who agreed to give him a raise. And he said with that raise plus working occasional overtime he would be able to afford to pay our rent, bills, groceries, and the costs for our baby. He also said he would marry me so I would have extra security."
"I admit I burst out laughing when he suggested this. It's just insane to me. Sure we might be able to afford me being a stay-at-home mum but it would require budgeting every penny he made."
"I also just graduated — does he really think I went to college for four years just to be a stay-at-home mum and spend my days doing his laundry and cooking his meals?"
"Also what if he gets sick or dies? I'm the first person in my entire family to earn my degree. My parents were immigrants and both had elementary school level education. I'm very proud of my education and career — this is something he knows as I've told him so I'm surprised he would ever suggest this."
"I could tell he was upset and hurt by my reaction but he accepted my decision without arguing. I was talking about this to one of my friends, and she told me that it was mean of me to laugh. That Andrew was offering to care for me and my baby and I responded by mocking him."
"I didn't mean it to come across that way, just that his suggestion (to me, anyway) was so insane and stupid that I couldn't help it. So AITAH?"
Now, of course, people had a lot to say...
Most users think OP (original poster) is not the A-hole:
"The fact the he would NEED overtime after the raise to make it work means it doesn’t work. Even if you were a SAHM, don’t ever rely exclusively on the words/promises of anyone else to provide for you. Plenty can attest to how that has left them vulnerable. Definitely NTA."
"Also, if he’s working overtime like that then he’s going to have a much less involved role in his child’s life. He may be able to provide for them by working himself into an early grave but it’ll be at the cost of him truly knowing his child."
"NTA. Try suggesting he becomes a SAHD and see if he takes it any more seriously than your own reaction."
"NTA. He had this all planned out in respect to what he wanted. He wants you to be a SAHM. He wants the life HE had growing up for his child, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. He even spoke about it with his boss before speaking to you the person who would be most affected by this. If he thinks baby will benefit from having a SAHP, he can stay home. You can both trial it and do a year each and see if either of you likes it. He can't decide this is what your future is without your input."
Some users think OP is the A-hole:
"YTA. Not for wanting to have a career, but for laughing at your bf who was trying to have a serious conversation with you. This is a read the room moment. As misguided as you think it was, he was sincere. If you laugh at him every time he tries to have a serious conversation that you disagree with, this will be a short term relationship."
"YTA. I'll be clear, you are not the asshole for not wanting to be a SAHM. You have good logical reasons and you need none of those because the only reason that matter is you don't want to do it. But the fact that you laughed at him and keep using words like 'insane' and 'stupid' makes you the big asshole. It's totally fine if SAHM is not your cup of tea, but you act like he asked you something ridiculous that nobody ever does in life which isn't the case. You could have had a good discussion, open up to each other about your respective experience from your childhood and what you both think is important for the upbringing of your child. Maybe you could have found some important moment or aspect that he loved in his childhood and that you could both recreate in different ways even if you don't become a SAHM. Instead, you made fun of him and he might think twice before starting that kind of important discussion with you in the future. In your head you might not think that you were mocking him, but you were and you keep doing it. His suggestion is not 'insane' and 'stupid', it's a very reasonable discussion that just doesn't work for you."
And then there are some who could see both sides:
"You shouldn't have laughed, he potentially went out on a limb in asking for a raise. He came up with a game plan and tried to figure out how to offer your child the upbringing he received. He clearly wants the best for the three of you. But, he also didn't ask your opinion or take your upbringing and education into account. He really should've had a conversation with you. You also clearly want the best for the three of you. Everyone (minus the baby, congrats btw) could have done better with this exchange."
"If your partner is trying to have a serious, heartfelt conversation, and you laugh at them, of course that’s going to hurt their feelings. At the same time, this doesn’t make OP a bad person. It’s a perfectly normal part of being in a relationship to be caught off guard by something and accidentally hurt your partner’s feelings. OP, your reasons for not wanting to be a SAHM are valid, and you can continue to know yourself and what you want from life. None of this requires you laughing at your partner or insulting their beliefs and dreams.
If you want your relationship to continue, and grow successfully, use this conflict as a chance for you and your partner to learn more about one another. YTA unless you apologise for laughing at your partner, and stop using words like ‘stupid’ or ‘insane’. They’ll only further damage your relationship. You don’t need to apologise for having different values and beliefs from your partner. Get back on the same team with your partner though — which means listening, learning, and having healthy disagreements. And DON’T listen to the horde of bitter redditors dumping on your partner and puffing up your ego. Your ego might love to hear it, but those people aren’t actually invested in you or your relationship. You shouldn’t let their emotional grandstanding lead you astray."
My take? This could have been handled better on both sides. Firstly, the boyfriend shouldn't have had this discussion with his boss before having the chance to ask how his partner feels about it. Secondly, although we've all reacted in ways we regret later on (especially when blindsided), laughing at your partner during a serious discussion is bound to create some sort of resentment later down the line.
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