26 Of The Absolute Funniest Tweets By Parents This Week
"gave baby her first bath yesterday, she pooped in the tub and when i picked her up to wipe her off she pooped on my hand. i keep telling her she’s not allowed to be a comedian, but she’s clearly not listening." —@ambercrollo
This has been a tough week for everyone, so here are 26 funny tweets by parents to make your life a little brighter!
Found a measuring tape in my teens bathroom this morning. I'm gonna pretend I didn't.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 7, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn't know that was an option.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 11, 2023
2.
I (43F) just had my son (17M) tell me, "You'll never appreciate Nirvana like I do," when a video of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came on You Tube.
— Rachel Hawkins/Erin Sterling (@LadyHawkins) October 12, 2023
This is in zero parenting manuals.
3.
This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a different mama and I said “what kind of mama do you want?” And he said “one who wears a black suit”. I think about the ways I’m failing as a parent a lot but I hadn’t even considered that it’s bc I don’t have a black suit.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 9, 2023
4.
If you’re thinking of having kids just know my daughter was sobbing inconsolably the other night because she realized she can never be half dog/half human
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 12, 2023
5.
My son offered his sister a bite of his strawberry donut, which she accepted and then did not offer him a bite of her chocolate donut, and now he has spent the last hour muttering about scams.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 7, 2023
6.
not being a monster i threw said shoe back, to an equally quiet but far less devastated: oh! my shoe!
— Laura Elliott (@TinyWriterLaura) October 11, 2023
7.
My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying “mmmm it’s so good.”
— Voldemort (@ib_2cute) October 8, 2023
She said, “You didn’t take it out the box” pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP
8.
It’s amazing to me that with no training kids can naturally cough with maximum germ sprayage
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 11, 2023
9.
My wife was trying to tell me a quick story and after the umpteenth time our kids interrupted her she said, “Nevermind, maybe we can talk again when they’re grown up,” and that about sums up being married with kids.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 12, 2023
10.
I have a student w a hearing aid & I wear this thing around my neck so that he can hear me talking in his ear. Y’all why I forgot to mute it & I walked outside the class to cuss my man out…. I came back in & the student said “Ms. Figueroa are you okay?” 😭
— miss thang (@lolschey) October 11, 2023
11.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 8, 2023
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
12.
i was watching monsters inc with my niece and I was like “just wait for the bloopers they’re so funny” and then we watched to the end of the credits and… there were no bloopers. disney+… you have made a fool of me for the last time
— Shannon (@becomingcry) October 12, 2023
13.
Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in shambles
— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 9, 2023
14.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 11, 2023
15.
Today a kindergartener walking in a line told me, "Good job drinking water!" when he saw me drink water. The line kept moving and every kid after him echoed a similar comment.
— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) October 12, 2023
"It's healthy to drink water!"
"It's important to stay high-dated!"
And so on.
16.
Turns out I’m raising a real New Yorker.
— Ben Furnas (@bfurnas) October 7, 2023
My 3.5 year old daughter just looked up while eating a plain white slice of American cheese and said, “I’m glad we live in Brooklyn, daddy, no other city has cheese like this.”
17.
gave baby her first bath yesterday, she pooped in the tub and when i picked her up to wipe her off she pooped on my hand. i keep telling her she’s not allowed to be a comedian, butt she’s clearly not listening.
— amber rollo (@ambercrollo) October 11, 2023
18.
My son has a zombie mask for Halloween but also would like me to paint his face like a zombie so that when he takes off the mask people are like, “whoa an actual zombie.” Oh also my son is afraid of zombies and doesn’t want to look in the mirror or take pictures on Halloween.
— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) October 7, 2023
19.
Must’ve missed that part in the parenting book that said you’d be digging through last night’s trash for your son’s retainer.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 12, 2023
20.
Daughter got her first phone. Here is a list of the things she’s called me about:
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 9, 2023
-saw a cool bug
-made up a new song
-can we have ribs for dinner
-how do you spell suspicious
21.
like a month ago i referred to one of the 2yo’s books as “the one where elsa and anna meet a baby moose” and she died laughing and was like no it’s a baby reindeer and now literally every day she goes “remember you made a mistake and said baby moose” like can i live
— Mary Ellen (@alissacaliente) October 11, 2023
22.
When my parents and my kids FaceTime, my kids won’t answer my parents’ questions so I repeat their questions to my kids. Then my parents can’t understand what my kids say so I repeat their answers to my parents. A great time is had by all.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 12, 2023
23.
Kids: Can we have cake for breakfast?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 12, 2023
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is HE eating cake for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of cake]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
24.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 12, 2023
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
25.
My friend and I discussing what seafood we like:
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 12, 2023
Me: I don't like lobster or crab
My 3yo, trying to be part of the conversation but has never had shellfish in his life: I don't like...starfish.
26.
I told my 12yr old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she's making crepes.
— MonsterKing (@CerromeRussell) October 7, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by parents last week:
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...or the funniest tweets by parents in September!
I Cannot Overstate How Wildly Hilarious These 47 Tweets By Parents Are