Communication and Conflict Management

“Too much agreement kills a chat.”
-Eldridge Cleaver

If you would like assistance on how to approach a difficult conversation, please consider contacting us in the Office of the Ombuds for a confidential consultation. 

Difficult conversations often involve individuals who hold different opinions, perspectives, or values about a non-trivial or sensitive matter, and who may fear having to deal with fear, anger, frustration, or other strong emotions.

Difficult conversations can be a challenge to get through, and you may feel ill-equipped to handle them in a way that brings about positive outcomes. You may be inclined to avoid having a conversation in hope that the matter will resolve on its own. Unfortunately, delay often causes conflict situations to escalate or draw in more people.

We believe that approaching difficult conversations thoughtfully and with intentionality can be the route to maintaining trusting and effective relationships and managing a conflict situation effectively.

As ombuds, we can help you prepare for your difficult conversation. Our approach includes helping you reflect on a host of issues that can help you navigate the situation successfully. For example, we can help you clarify: the issue(s) you need to address; any concerns you have about initiating the conversation; the skills you need to use; the approach and mindset you want to bring; and the outcomes you seek.

Following is a list of resources on difficult conversations.  Included are links to fundamental skills and tips, as well as to broader concepts of social healing and civil discourse.

• We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations (Judy Ringer)
• Techniques for Active Listening (Media Education Foundation)
• How To Have Difficult Conversations at Work. (Forbes)
• 7 Tips for Getting Through Difficult Conversations  (Psychology Today)
• The Better Conversations Guide (On Being)
• Guidelines for Asking Honest, Open Questions (Teachings For Elders)

Stay tuned for more content!

“It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.”
-Yogi Berra

• How To Navigate Feedback Conversations: Avoid These Common Mistakes (Forbes)
• Six Common Pitfalls of Feedback Conversations (Center for Medical Simulation)

“The result of the apology process, ideally, is the reconciliation and restoration of broken relationships.”
-Aaron Lazare, On Apology

When offered appropriately and with empathy and sincerity, apology can be an important part of a conflict management process. While there is no simple recipe, there are some ingredients that are common to most effective apologies.

Offering an apology means, in part, accepting responsibility for the harm caused and communicating regret for that harm. For an apology to be effective, it must be worded in a way that reflects a sincere intention to both understand the harm caused by one’s actions and take ownership for it. Some apologies call for a promise that the offense will not recur, others for some form of reparation.

Genuine apology typically requires deep reflection, and a willingness to admit error. This can be challenging, especially in a workplace where the climate is one of fear or “zero tolerance” for error, or that inspires competition over collaboration and communication within its units.

Apology can certainly reduce tension in hostile work climates and between people in conflict. But it is not a tool to evade responsibility or uncomfortable situations. Delivered appropriately and with empathy, however, an apology can create opportunities for understanding and dialogue, and provide a foundation for restoring damaged relationships and improved workplace climate and morale.

The links on this page include articles on the fundamentals of effective apology.

• Apology in Medical Practice: An Emerging Clinical Skill; Aaron Lazare, MD (Jama Network)
• Six Ingredients of an Effective Apology (Tammy Lenski)
• Bibliography of Related Articles, by Catherine Morris (Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding)
• The Power of Apologies, by Dr Marsha Wagner, Columbia University (Adapted from Apologies by Marsha L. Wagner)
• The Future of Apologies, by Aaron Lazare  (New England Journal of Public Policy, October 2006)
• What Constitutes an Apology? (Harvard Program on Negotiation)
• What Can an Apology Do? (Harvard Program on Negotiation)

• Managing Difficult Classroom Discussions (Center for Innovative Teaching and Learning, Indiana University Bloomington)
• Difficult Conversations in the Classroom (Yale Poorvu Center for Teaching and Learning)

In the Office of the Ombuds, we often use fundamental negotiation skills to help individuals or groups of individuals who are in conflict to find mutually agreeable outcomes. We typically engage negotiation skills through dialogue or shuttle diplomacy rather than through written means. We also coach others on engaging these basic skills (e.g., open-ended questions; active listening; exploring alternatives to negotiated outcomes; and exploring what the future relationship might look like).

As ombuds, when it comes to negotiated agreements, our interest is in helping to ensure a fair process that can yield equitable outcomes to all involved.

Following are links to some fundamental concepts of negotiation.

Starting out

• What is Negotiation? (Katie Shonk, Harvard Program on Negotiation)
• Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, (Roger Fisher, William L. Ury and Bruce Patton)
• Negotiation 101, (MIT Open Courseware)
• Negotiation, (Beyond Intractability)
• Negotiation techniques, (Videos by 365 Careers)
• The Program on Negotiation (PON), (Consortium program of Harvard University, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and Tufts University)
• Negotiations Self-Assessment Inventory, (Tero International, Inc.)

Salary negotiation

• Negotiating Skills fro Anyone. (University of Massachusetts Amherst)
• What to Say When Negotiating Salary in a Job Offer, (By Robin Madell, US News)

Gender and negotiation

• Ask For It: How Women Can Use the Power of Negotiation to Get What They Really Want, (Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever)
• Moving Past Gender Barriers to Negotiate a Raise (by Tara Siegel Bernard, Tampa Bay Times)
• (Negotiating for Jobs, Salaries—and Everything Else) Prepare, Prepare, Prepare, (by Mary Rowe, MIT Open Courseware)

Poem: Conflict Resolution Through Soup by Colleen Michaels