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Donor Family Matters: My Story of Raising a Profoundly Gifted Donor-Conceived Child, Redefining Family, and Building the Donor Sibling Registry Paperback – January 30, 2020


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"Educate the child. Raise him or her without biases of any kind. Teach him or her to trust in others but to rely on self. Instill in him or her a sense of humor and the ability to enjoy life."
Penned on a sperm bank intake form, these words of advice from Donor 1058 to the future recipients of his donations became a parental motto for one particular recipient, Wendy Kramer, who would go on to found the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR). With almost 85,000 members in 105 countries, the DSR is the world's largest platform for sperm, egg, and embryo donors, donor-conceived children and adults, and their parents to connect and share information through mutual-consent contact. In her role with the DSR, Wendy has become a leading advocate for donor families and for reformation of the modern profit-driven donor conception industry.
This is the story of Wendy's journey as the mother of a donor-conceived profoundly gifted child, Ryan, whose relentless curiosity—under the tenacious guidance and support of his mother—eventually led to his reunion against all odds not only with his biological father, Donor 1058, but also with 19 of his donor-conceived half-siblings scattered across the continent. Their experience—like the experience of so many of the Donor Sibling Registry's members—illustrates how this brave new world of donor conception is stretching our understanding of the evolving nature and possibilities of "family." This memoir, written with warmth and humor by Wendy herself, reminds us with story after story that there are few things more fundamental than the human need to know where we come from, nor more beautiful than the triumph of truth over shame.

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Editorial Reviews

Review

"Wendy Kramer tells an absolutely riveting story that only she could tell--one that documents a profound shift in the way we negotiate our biology...and each other. Family Matters captures what Kramer calls the 'difficult, messy, joyful, and rewarding endeavor' of raising a family in a way that will break your heart and then put it back together again." -- Misha Angrist, Ph.D., author of Here is a Human Being: At the Dawn of Personal Genomics.

"Wendy Kramer's memoir -- like Wendy Kramer herself -- is invaluable, lucid, engaging, and full of wisdom. This book is a gift." -- Dani Shapiro, donor-conceived offspring and author of Inheritance

"Donor Family Matters is a fascinating personal and historical account of the journey of Wendy Kramer and her gifted son Ryan, a single mom and her son who together set out to find his sperm donor, how it resulted in a widely expanded family for Ryan, and how it led to their creation of what is the world's largest organization dedicated specifically to connecting half-siblings and their biological families.

In the 21st century where the ability to have one's DNA analyzed has resulted in unexpected findings for many people about their origin and where anonymous sperm and egg donation are now widely used, this thoughtful, honest, and heartwarming book will be of interest to many people, including those who wonder about the family consequences of this new technology. It will also be of special interest to parents of gifted children who are trying to navigate how to best raise their child."-- Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D., grandmother of donor-conceived children

"Donor Family Matters is much more than a memoir. It's a historical book documenting how one mother created the universe of donor-linked families. Her ingenuity, determination, and love for her child created a tapestry of which I'm grateful to be a thread. Beautifully written!" -- Meredyth Capasso, mother to a donor child and blogger at donorrelatedfamily.com

"Behind every cause there is often an individual with a powerful raw story. Wendy Kramer allows the reader into her personal life of marriage, infertility, divorce, and her quest to be the best single mom to her inquisitive donor-conceived son Ryan. She has provided all of us a chance to re-examine the rights of those searching and longing to know their biological family."
-- Jennifer Lahl, founder and president, The Center for Bioethics and Culture

"A powerful personal story, clearly written, with relevance to anybody interested in or affected by donor conception, by someone whose work has been absolutely crucial to the ending of anonymity and secrecy and the shame, sorrow, and isolation that goes with them." -- Barry Stevens, donor-conceived offspring and filmmaker of Offspring


"Donor Family Matters is a vulnerable and authentic traverse through a myriad of challenges and triumphs Wendy and her son Ryan experienced as she cultivated the Donor Sibling Registry. Wendy's initial effort to support Ryan's desire to connect with his genetic roots yielded an unimaginable gift for hundreds of thousands of seekers. As a clinician, and a mother of donor-conceived children, Wendy's passion and single-minded focus on her child's happiness and the need to honor the rights of all donor-conceived children is remarkable and inspiring. Donor Family Matters is an incredibly human vulnerable account of a true pioneer, passionate educator and incredible mom. Wendy's story offers a glimpse into the battle between sperm bank profits and the ethical dilemmas faced when profit is placed over people. Wendy's desire to foster the "triumph of the truth over shame" is a message and mission that cannot be thwarted, and will ignite the advocate and the empath to fight against fear--allowing space for clarity, freedom, and perhaps love." -- Lauren Wolff, LMFT and mother to donor-conceived children

"With incredible honesty and vulnerability, Wendy Kramer shares her story and her journey to becoming one of the most passionate and outspoken voices for the donor-conceived. This true account will keep you turning the pages to find out what happens next. A fascinating read for anyone." -- Ellen Trachman, columnist and co-host of the podcast I Want To Put A Baby In You

Wendy and Ryan's autobiography seamlessly integrates the uniqueness of their specific story, including the gifts and struggles associated with Ryan's profound intellect as well as his experience in building a relationship with his donor, with themes well-known across donor families, including the secrecy and shame surrounding donor conception, questions about identity, and the complexities of family relationships. Many donor-conceived individuals and their families choose to remain in a comfort zone of anonymity, but Wendy and Ryan broke the mold with their internationally recognized efforts to destigmatize donor conception, to identify the problems within the only medical field that has historically promoted secrecy, to publicly recognize the unrealistic expectations of anonymity in the era of commercial DNA testing, and most importantly, to show the beauty often found within this version of extended family. Wendy and Ryan have spearheaded the movement to reform existing standards for a new generation of donor-conceived families. As most families considering donor conception are unaware of the long-term implications of this decision beyond having the baby, I would recommend their book as a must-read for anyone in the beginning stages of weighing this option.
-- Hilary Bertisch, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, DSR Board Member, and Donor-Conceived Adult

Wendy Kramer's memoir is intimate, inspiring, powerful and well-written. Her bravery and strength in raising a gifted child on her own, and in starting the Donor Sibling Registry, make her a force to be reckoned with. Essential reading for anyone connected to the world of sperm donation.
--Jacqueline Mroz, author of Scattered Seeds: In Search of Family and Identity in the Sperm Donor Generation.

The Donor Sibling Registry upended the fertility industry in ways that no one could have anticipated. In her new book, Wendy Kramer shares not only the origin story but also her insights on the real-life impacts of finding family through donor conception.
-- Alison Motluk, publisher of HeyReprotech

"Anyone who has visited the Donor Sibling Registry website knows that Wendy Kramer works tirelessly to give voice to the needs and longings of donor-conceived people and all their families. Kramer's work has taken donor conception out of the dark realm of secrecy and shown a light on the emotional and social costs of anonymity. Countless people worldwide have Wendy Kramer to thank for helping them find their families. Now all have the opportunity to read the back story of Kramer's mission: her personal journey as the mom of a son through sperm donation. Sometimes with humor, often with poignancy Kramer frequently in detective mode, Wendy Kramer set forth to help her son Ryan find answers. Along the way, she discovered new questions, new answers and new possibilities for kinship." -- Ellen S. Glazer, LICSW, co-author of Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation

About the Author

Wendy Kramer has co-authored many published papers on donor conception, has reviewed abstracts for the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, and has also been a peer reviewer for the journals Human Reproduction, Reproductive BioMedicine Online, and the Journal of Comparative Effectiveness Research. She was Associate Producer on the Style Network's 2011 Emmy-nominated show Sperm Donor and on MTV News & Docs 2013 docu-series Generation Cryo. Wendy and her son Ryan have appeared on 60 Minutes, Oprah, Good Morning America, and many other news shows and publications. Wendy is co-author of the book Finding Our Families: A First-of-Its-Kind Book for Donor-Conceived People and Their Families and author of the children's book Your Family: A Donor Kid's Story. Wendy holds a B.A. from Long Island University.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Donor Sibling Registry (January 30, 2020)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 100 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 057863337X
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0578633374
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 5.6 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.24 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:

About the author

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Wendy Kramer
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Co-Founder and Director, Donor Sibling Registry (DSR)

Wendy is the Co-Founder and Director of the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR). The DSR was founded in 2000 with her donor-conceived son Ryan to assist individuals conceived as a result of sperm, egg, or embryo donation who are seeking to make mutually desired contact with others with whom they share genetic ties. With almost 85,000 members in 105 countries, the DSR has helped to connect more than 25,000 of them with their half-siblings and/or their biological parents, and Wendy has listened to and advised/consulted with thousands of these parents, donors, donor-conceived people, and other donor family members for more than two decades.

Wendy has conducted many research studies on all donor family members and is a co-author of the resulting peer-reviewed papers published in Social Science and Medicine, Human Reproduction, Reproductive BioMedicine & Society, Facts, Views & Vision in OB/GYN, Reproductive BioMedicine Online (RBMOnline), Advances in Reproductive Sciences, Contemporary Perspectives in Family Research, Fertility and Sterility, The Journal of Family Issues, Children and Society, The Journal of Law and the Biosciences, and more. She has contributed chapters to several books on donor conception and has reviewed abstracts for the American Society of Reproductive Medicine and has been a peer reviewer for the journals Human Reproduction, RBMOnline, and Frontiers in Global Women's Health.

Wendy was an Associate Producer for the 2011 Emmy nominated documentary Sperm Donor and on the 2013 MTV News & Docs, six-part docuseries called Generation Cryo. She just published Counseling Donor Family Members: A Guide for Mental Health Professionals. She co-wrote the book Finding our Families: A First-of-Its-Kind Book for Donor-Conceived People and Their Families, wrote the children’s book Your Family: A Donor Kid’s Story, and authored the book Donor Family Matters: My Story of Raising a Profoundly Gifted Donor-Conceived Child, Redefining Family, and Building the Donor Sibling Registry.

Wendy was married when she gave birth to her son Ryan in 1990, and in 1991 began to raise him as an only parent. Ryan has connected with his biological father (and grandparents) and knows of 24 half-siblings, so far. Wendy holds a B.A. in Communication Arts, has completed many postgraduate courses in counseling and psychology, is Mental Health First Aid certified, and is a Psychology Today monthly contributor.

Television

2011: Associate Producer on the Emmy nominated TV show "Sperm Donor".

2013: Associate Producer of MTV News & Docs 6 part series, "Generation Cryo"

Blogs

Psychology Today Blog: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/contributors/wendy-kramerDSR Blog

Donor Sibling Registry: https://donorsiblingregistry.com/blog

Huffington Post Blog: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/wendy-545

Speaking Engagements

https://donorsiblingregistry.com/speaking-engagements

DNA=Donors not Anonymous

https://indd.adobe.com/view/f47163a0-cdf8-44dd-b70d-1de3b4428cf4

Published Research: https://indd.adobe.com/view/ac2a0b99-f67a-4768-bf8c-c48af5aeebaf

https://donorsiblingregistry.com/dsr-research

The published research has been presented at meetings and conferences around the world, including ASRM, ESHRE, British Fertility Society, Australian Fertility Society, CRYO, Human Reproduction, ASPIRE, and many sociology, family, mental health, genetics, gynecology and obstetrics, legal, and LGBT conferences in North America, South America, Europe, Australia, and Asia.

Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
4.4 out of 5
21 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on April 28, 2020
As a psychotherapist who works with families created by using a donor, I rarely find people who understand the psychological and emotional journeys couples and individuals go on when they decide on this family building option. For years, using a donor was shrouded in secrecy. Parents were told no one has to know and so no one did, including the child. The family unit was underscored by dishonesty and secrecy. Not too healthy a way to build trust and security. Thank goodness today it’s different. Wendy Kramer was one of the leaders in helping to open up the discussion whether or not a child has the right to know about his/ origins and This query inspired her to create the donor sibling registry. DSR is now the site I can refer my clients to so that they and their child can get the most updated research and information on using a donor to have a family as well as help people find their donor relatives This is sometimes a complicated pursuit filled with ups and downs from fear to excitement . Wendy Is the mom of a son conceived through a donor and this book personalizes the process. She explains her story though parenting a donor conceived child while always keeping her son’s best interest in her mind and heart. She walks the reader through the doubts she experienced before meeting the donor and his family. Ultimately she describes the satisfaction and love she and her son found after meeting the biological relatives that helped make him Its a must read for those beginning the path of using a donor because Wendy Kramer and others who work in this field truly believe that the best we can do for our clients is to always promote openness and honesty despite the outcome.
2 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 18, 2021
I purchased this book after signing up on the Donor Sibling Website. I have 3 children conceived with the use of donor eggs. I didn't find much to help me with donor eggs. The book was really about sperm donation and her son's desire to connect as well as creating the DSR. Not one thing was helpful to the non genetic parent, and I found myself resenting the use of the term "biological father". Does not help those of us on the other side of the conception equation who are the biological, but not the genetic mother. I'm glad I read the book and joined the website, as I fully intend to explore this with my children, I just wish I didn't finish the book and still feel a big hole.
4 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 15, 2020
THIS BOOK NEEDED TO EXIST. It is the unusual story of Wendy and her son Ryan who had to navigate the world of donor families at a time when most people didn't even understand what it meant. Reading their story written from the heart, you will come to understand the tremendous journey that it has been in the last 20 years for anyone even slightly connected in any way to a donor family. During that time Wendy Kramer became the advocate for the DSR, the first group ever to unite donor families; she became their link, she spoke in their name against a completely unregulated industry and simply, she brought up her son with love and helped him thrive thru these unchartered territories. Their experience through the new world of DNA and their discovery of complete strangers becoming overnight members of their donor family is simply moving and fascinating. If you are part of a donor family you should read this; if you know anyone who is part of a donor family you should read this, and if you don't... well, you should still definitely read this, as this is a book of our time. WELL DONE WENDY KRAMER!
3 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 6, 2020
I was a little familiar with Wendy and Ryan Kramer's story, but this book provided more intimate details and backstory. I now better understand and appreciate why Wendy Kramer is such an amazingly energetic advocate for donor conceived people. As a Donor Sibling Registry member, I've been fortunate enough to receive some invaluable counseling from Wendy and enjoyed "hearing" her authentically passionate and humorous voice as I read this book. Highly recommended to folks in/around the donor-conceived community. I finished reading it the day it was delivered!
3 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on November 12, 2020
Wendy does a terrific job sharing her & Ryan’s donor family experience and I related to it on multiple levels. Having been a Donor Sibling Registry (DSR) member since 2004, I was aware that Ryan didn’t have matches then and when he finally got his first matches, it was heartbreaking because he couldn’t meet them. Same thing happened with us as we first matched with 2 sisters and they were not told for a few years. (We eventually met 3-5 years later.) Thankfully, there were eventually more matches and meetings occurred. I totally related with Wendy about caring deeply for our child’s half-siblings after connecting. Our donor was also found via DNA. I’m thrilled that Wendy & Ryan’s outcome was good and hope our donor family group will eventually have a similar outcome. Patience is key. Donor family relationships can be rewarding and complex. We are very grateful for Wendy & Ryan’s DSR which greatly enriched our lives.
Reviewed in the United States on March 9, 2020
An interesting tale of Wendy Kramer's mission to help her donor conceived son Ryan connect with the missing side of his family which resulted not only in discovering his sperm donor dad but also nineteen half siblings. This is also the story of the Donor Sibling Registry, a non profit organization created by Wendy and Ryan which has helped thousands of other donor conceived people to find their paternal relatives. A worthwhile read about a subject most of us never think about.
3 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on January 31, 2020
Wendy Kramer tells an absolutely riveting story that only she could tell—one that documents a profound shift in the way we negotiate our biology and ourselves. Donor Family Matters captures what Kramer calls the 'difficult, messy, joyful, and rewarding endeavor’ of raising a family in a way that will break your heart and then put it back together again.
3 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 3, 2020
Wendy presents a deeply moving and intimate picture of life within a donor-conceived family. Told with heart, truth, and personality, this story is a must-read for those in the donor-conceived community and those who care about us.
3 people found this helpful
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