Welcome to my column, The Cynical Optimist. I'm Adam Frazier, a resident geek and film fanatic (I mean, why else would I be working for Moviehole?). This column is my weekly (maybe daily - hell, maybe hourly) rant on the film industry and anything else I feel like yelling about.

Whose idea was it to make Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem anyway? I mean, seriously people � in a small, unsuspecting Colorado town filled with shallow, empty characters like a sheriff, a waitress and a �problematic youth� in and out of trouble with the law? Why the HELL does this sound like a suitable setting for an intergalactic showdown?

Someone needs to smack screenwriter Shane Salerno for writing this tripe. People will say, �Oh the movie�s just based off comic books and video games anyway,� and to that I would say � �Then why don�t they just pull from the vast library of entertaining stories already out there?�

I remember reading Prey, the first installment in a trilogy of Aliens Vs. Predator books by Steve and Stephani Perry, and being completely blown away. Within its yellowed pages contained an actual plot filled with interesting characters. The premise was simple: Machiko Noguchi is the supervisor of Prosperity Wells, a ranching settlement on the planet of Ryushi. Colonized ranchers discover the spider-like carcass of an alien species � a facehugger, if you hadn�t guessed.

Suddenly, a rancher�s family is massacred. Then another creature (unlike anything ever seen before) is brought to the colony�s medical center, near death. It becomes clear to Machiko that two strains of alien life have landed near the colony. One is �beetle black with shells as hard as steel� and the other kind, �upright like humans but infinitely stronger and just as smart.�

The novel delved into the character of the Predator, or the Yautja as their species is known. It was a great book as I remember, and as a middle-schooler I thought it would make an amazing movie. Yeah, you read right � middle school. See, I�ve been addicted to the Alien and Predator franchises since I was just a nerdy little kid growing up in a small, sheltered town.

It�s for this reason that I�m personally offended by Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem � and just so we�re clear, Paul W.S. Anderson�s predecessor isn�t getting many compliments either. I won�t bother commenting heavily on the film itself, as I�ve already done that in a movie review you can read at my blog.

What I would like to rant about, however, is the consistent degradation of these two franchises, and how they�ve come to lose the respect of not only moviegoers, but also moviemakers. They�ve jumped the shark and now seem to have reserved seats near the cheesy slasher serial killers of the �80s.

�The Brothers Strouse,� the directors of AVP: R, are self-confessed fanatics of both franchises � but I�m not too convinced. According to them, the problem with the first AVP flick was the PG-13 rating and lack of violence and gore. They felt it took away from the general tone of its parent franchises and came off as separate entity. Well, that might be true � but it seems the brothers were focused on the wrong set of problems.

Where were the brothers� complaints about the lack of character or deep story? Where were the groans of continuity errors and the insanely dumb dialogue? Apparently to them, these things characterize an Alien/Predator film. Well � that was the case for Alien: Resurrection but I try to forget that movie actually exists.

Anyway, the reason we love these franchises is because of the human characters we grabbed hold of � the ones who escorted us through those terrifying universes and kept us out of harm�s way. I mean, what is the alien without Ripley or Hicks or Newt? And what is the predator without Dutch or Mac?

Shane Salerno completely neglected this concept and filled the story with hollow, absolutely lifeless and uninteresting characters. We spend so little time with them, there is zero connection and therefore we don�t care when they become prey � or maybe that�s the point. Maybe this film is nothing but a WWE death match between two creatures and that�s the only reason anyone would ever watch it.

Well here�s a little food for thought to Shane Salerno and The Brothers Strouse: On their own, the alien and the predator are just disgustingly-cool creature designs. Audiences have seen them so many times that the same old gags won�t work anymore. We need strong human characters to relate to � characters who are put into jeopardy by these cinematic behemoths. We need to start with a story, fill it with characters and then fold the tongue-stabbing death scenes in � not the other way around.

There is zero subtlety and patient storytelling in AVP: R. This can be seen in the fact that the xenomorphs grow at an alarmingly fast rate. In Alien and Alien 3 it took a long period of time for the creature to grown to its full size. We would see it grow and shed its skin � but not here. We get a throwaway shot at some gooey alien skin and suddenly the town is full of aliens � full-grown and extremely angry.

Also, the logic is gone. The purpose of the alien is to capture hosts for eggs � this, of course, provided there is an actual Queen that is laying eggs. Here the creature is stalking teenagers who are trying to skinny-dip in their high school�s swimming pool. It�s like the alien�s pheromones know a skimpy blond is about to take off her underwear � and instead of trying to paralyze any of the breakfast club, it merely kills them.

Meanwhile the �predalien� has developed its own way to lay eggs and prolong its race � cutting out the facehugger completely from the species� life cycle. Stupid. Just stupid � you would�ve thought people familiar with these films would have seen the �newborn� from Alien: Resurrection and learned from the mistakes Joss Whedon and company made.

But no, both franchises are, yet again, degraded and disrespected � and it hurts me inside. I can only hope that some day, 10 or 15 years from now, someone dusts off the cover of that old Aliens Vs. Predator novel and writes a script with the same amount of heart and love for the franchise. Until then, it�s game over man � it�s just game over.