wedding budget etiquette

Help! I Need More Money for My Wedding

A financial expert says you should rethink your plans (sorry)

Ask The Kit Weddings is our bi-monthly wedding etiquette column. Wedding expert Alison McGill tackles the pressing—sometimes uncomfortable—questions that everyone from almost-marrieds to attending guests have on their minds. Send your Qs to [email protected].

Our dream wedding is costing us a lot more than we budgeted for. Because of the pandemic, we had to postpone our wedding three times, and we lost some money due to cancelled vendor bookings. Paying for our wedding ourselves is something that’s important to me and my fiancé, but a little extra cash would go a long way to finally making our dream day a reality. We’re thinking of asking our parents for help. Do you have any suggestions on how to start this convo? —Pamela

So many of the etiquette conversations in this column circle back to the fact that weddings are hugely expensive—and that any time money is involved, life gets complicated. Today, many couples want to pay for their own weddings. As money expert Jessica Moorhouse recently told me, we’re well past the days of the Father of the Bride movie scenario, where the bride’s family was expected to pay for everything.

Moorhouse is a financial educator, host of the More Money Podcast, and owner and CEO of MoorMoney Media Inc. I asked for her counsel on how to handle the issue of family and wedding budgets. Be warned: Moorhouse says it’s a minefield, and that you should think very carefully about even having that chat. 

If parents haven’t offered to financially support your wedding, should you even go there and ask them to help?

“It’s always a good idea to have an open conversation with your parents about your wedding plans and to discuss the financials,” says Moorhouse, “but you shouldn’t automatically assume they can or will help fund it. If they say no, that should be okay. You may not know what they’re dealing with in their own financial lives—i.e., if they’re in debt, haven’t saved up cash for your wedding, or they’re more focused on saving for retirement.

Something else to consider: When families kick in for the wedding, they often expect to be involved in the planning and decision-making process as well. When you pay for it yourself, you have complete control, so you can make sure it’s the wedding you want—not the one your family has dreamed up for you.”

What’s your best advice for when you want it all for your wedding, but don’t have the budget to do it?

“If you can’t have it all—let’s be honest, most of us can’t—then changing your expectations is a better option than going into debt to have the wedding of your dreams,” says Moorhouse. “Remember, a wedding is one day. The marriage that the wedding is celebrating is for a lifetime. Focus on what’s important and consider how you can make your day just as special without all the bells, whistles and hefty price tags. Is having the perfect decor, grand location and open bar really what you want? Or do you have others’ expectations in mind? Remember, it’s your wedding, not anyone else’s.”

Why can debt be so damaging as you move forward with a new life phase?

“Carrying debt is a massive burden,” says Moorhouse. “You want to start your new life on a positive note and be able to plan for the future and look to things like buying a new home, travelling or starting a family. The last thing you need to carry forward from your wedding day is money worries. I’ve never met anyone who regrets not spending more on their wedding, but I’ve met a ton of people who regret spending as much as they did.”

 

    More Wedding Etiquette