Are Meghan and Harry planning to raise Archie in South Africa? Are George and Charlotte forbidden from playing Monopoly? In Royal Report, we dethrone all the royal misinformation out there—and deep-dive into the lives of our favourite princes, princesses and, of course, duchesses.

For a nearly five-month-old infant, Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor is a remarkably well-travelled fellow. He’s been to France (twice), vacationed on the Spanish party island of Ibiza, he may have hopped the pond to NYC with his mom to see her pal Serena Williams, and now, of course, he’s taking South Africa by bobble-hatted storm.

Which is why, naturally, we were fascinated to discover* that Meghan and Harry’s first born is an active user of TripAdvisor**, the travel rating website beloved by the superlative addicted (it’s always the WORST experience they’ve ever had). In fact, it seems @Sussex_son_19 has been making excellent use of his “nap time” (joke’s on Meghan for leaving the iPad by the bassinet) while touring South Africa this past week.

In the spirit of openness that has marked the entire Sussex tour of Africa, we thought we’d share a few of our favourite reviews left by Archie during his stay in Cape Town and Johannesburg.

 


 

★★★☆☆
British Airways

Flew London to Cape Town on September 23rd. It was…no private jet, but those lie-flat seats in First Class weren’t awful. I slept through a lot of the 11 hours—that airplane white noise is so relaxing, isn’t it?—although my mom was sleeping “with one eye open” to check on me, which, creepy much? That 40-minute delay tho? Not cool. (My dad told someone when we landed that I was “not grouchy, just exhausted,” which is half correct.) Can’t comment on the meals since I’m still not allowed solid food because the ‘rents think I’ll choke or something. LAME. The private entrance we disembarked at was pretty convenient. Can I give myself five stars for how cute I looked in my travel outfit, including a cream bobble hat that’s just like one my dad had when he was my age? lol

★★★★★
Table Mountain

Not sure why I’m bothering to write this review of one of Cape Town’s most iconic geographic features here since my dad already spilled the tea on how I feel about it to the whole world. “He was staring out the window as we flew in, looking at Table Mountain,” he said. Well yes, of course I was impressed by it. It’s like a table, that’s also a mountain. 10 / 10

☆☆☆☆☆
District Six Museum

I was sleeping when my parents went to visit this memorial to a neighbourhood destroyed during Apartheid in the 1970s. The 0 stars is actually my review of them for not taking me because honestly, it looked like an amazing and poignant place that I really would have benefited from seeing. Also, all the local delicacies like koeksisters and samosas they were served looked high-key delicious.

 

Getty ImagesArchie enjoys tea with Desmond Tutu and his daughter Thandeka Tutu-Gxashe at the Old Granary Building.

★★★★★
The Old Granary Building, Cape Town

Had the BEST time here!!! Not sure if I just got lucky, but on the day I went, Desmond Tutu was there, handing out autographed copies of his granddaughter’s children’s book, Everyday Ubuntu. Which was cool until he and my parents talked FOREVER and nobody seemed to clue in that I might like to actually eat one of those really beautifully decorated cookies just SITTING there on the table. Desmond’s daughter Thandeka Tutu-Gxashe was also there, and she made me feel better by commenting on how adorable I looked in my blue striped romper ($25 at H&M, check it out! I went high/low with my Bonpoint socks). Also my parents seemed weirdly relieved once it was all over, something to do with me making my first public appearance? Dunno but it was a cool experience for sure. P.S. My mom also really embarrassed me by calling me by my nickname (Bubba) in front of everyone but I didn’t let that affect my rating. Not the heritage building’s fault my mom is OBSESSED with me.

★☆☆☆☆
British Ambassador’s Residence, Cape Town

Total yawn. Because of my parents’ job, I had to spend a lot of time here by myself, and it was Dullsville, population me and my nanny. It wasn’t even a real hotel. Just some old official British government residence we stayed in because it was free, or my great-Grandma said so or something like that. It didn’t even have room service!!!

 

 

★★★☆☆
British Airways (again)

Short flight from Cape Town to Johannesburg. Not much to say because it was my nap time and I didn’t even wake up when we were boarding the plane (thanks for carrying me in my blankie, Mom.) It was no private jet tho, that much I know.

* via careful research plus our own wild imaginings
** to be very, very clear: These reviews weren’t actually written by a five-month-old royal baby

 

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