As the world adopts social distancing, couples everywhere are at grips with the complete opposite phenomenon: a forced, constant closeness that can threaten the health of both parties. I write this from experience. More precisely, I write this from the confines of my 450-square-foot apartment in which the only room with a door is the bathroom. 

Since moving in two years ago, my boyfriend and I have taken to saying “I’m going to take a shower” when we’re really pissed and can’t stand to be in the same space. (You have to say it really dramatically, then stomp toward the bathroom. A slight door slam can be added for emphasis.) It’s day six of our isolation and we’re nearly out of shower gel.

Adapting to the new dailiness of life hasn’t been the rom-com I’d imagined—looking up from our laptops to exchange sweet glances, making love in the afternoon… Instead, I went all doomsdayer psycho on him when he reached for the non-perishables. How dare you touch the cans (not like that) when there’s still produce in the fridge! He, on the other hand, was very appalled by my so-called “lack of hygiene.” I’ve been taking my angry showers, as you know, but why would I wash my hair if I’m not going anywhere? 

In the interest of helping partners in similar situations, I reached out to a couples’ therapist for tips on making this time as painless—and pleasant, even—as possible. (Full disclosure: I had to take this call on speaker to record it, which I’m told was very distracting, although my having to crawl to the kitchen to avoid being seen in sweats during his Zoom meeting was apparently fine. But I digress.)

Figure out the logistics

Working from home means a lot more dishes and a lot more spreading of stuff: laptops, coffee cups, yoga mats—you name it. That, in turn, means more opportunities to bicker, says Nat Roman, a registered psychotherapist at Couple Therapy Toronto. “It’s common, in a relationship, for conflict to be rooted in domestic chores and different expectations around cleanliness and the sharing of the workload,” he says.

To avoid this pitfall, he suggests discussing how you plan to tackle and divide tasks. Will you clean as you go or do a blitz session at the end of the day? Knowing your partner will be putting away their lunch containers at 5 p.m. will prevent you from staring at them in a simmering rage all afternoon. Think of the energy you’ll save! 

You’ll also want to decide how you’ll be sharing the space. “Who’s going to sit at the kitchen table and who’s going to sit at the desk? [Fun fact: We have neither! Our options are couch or bed.] What are the rules around interruptions? Is it okay to read the latest CNN headline out loud to your partner while they’re working or watch a video without headphones?” Having these conversations can feel a bit uncomfortable in the moment, but voicing clear expectations can help prevent a lot of fighting in the long run.

Respect each other’s style

By now, you’ve probably seen a few of those memes comparing introverts’ and extroverts’ reaction to social distancing. (I particularly enjoyed this Baby Yoda one.) They’re funny because they’re true: The current situation is affecting people very differently depending on their personality type. “One isn’t better than the other; being extroverted is not better than being introverted,” says Roman. “If both partners are aware of each other’s tendencies, they can strategize together how to make sure they both get what they need.” 

For example, if you’re craving alone time, explain that to your partner while acknowledging that they’re trying to connect. Say something like “I look forward to hanging out with you later, but I really need to do my own thing for the next 40 minutes.” And that doesn’t just go for work, but for recreational activities, too, be it solo-streaming a show or reading a book in the tub. 

Conversely, if you’re feeling bored or stir crazy, find ways to let that energy out, says Roman. Go for a walk, get some exercise or explore practices like meditation or yoga, which help create more internal space when external space is limited. “When we have a lot of stress and we aren’t able to let go, we feel more compressed and that makes us snappy and irritable. Finding ways to self-soothe can help alleviate the cabin fever.”

“It might be a nice idea to get dressed even though you’re working from home; to see each other in that way, rather than as blobs on the couch.” 

Support each other

These are tough times. Many of us are feeling stressed or anxious, and that can exacerbate conflict and reduce our capacity to handle it skillfully. To mitigate that, try to recognize how you respond to anxiety. Do you pull away from your partner and become super focused on your work? Do you get clingy and put lots of demands on your partner? “Becoming aware of what your patterns are and how they might affect your partner–and being able to discuss that with each other—will allow you to troubleshoot in advance,” says Roman.

Make a commitment to give each other honest feedback about how you’re handling things, but also commit to fixing problems as a team. “It’s not about pointing out each other’s flaws; it’s about saying ‘Hey, I’m noticing this. Are you worried? Is there anything that you need? Can I help you?’” 

Oftentimes, we don’t realize anxiety is the undercurrent of our issues. “Like ‘Why are we arguing about the dishes so much? Maybe we’re both scared about what’s happening and what it means for our financial security,’” says Roman. If you can open up about your worries, that stress is less likely to turn into conflict. 

Keep the spark alive

First things things first, you’ll want to clearly distinguish work time from non-work time, because at some point in the day, you have to go from co-workers to actual romantic partners. Some people can switch out of work mode on a dime, but others need a transition period to be able to connect. They might usually get that from their commute home, but without it, they’ll need to build it into their daily schedule, whether it’s by going for a stroll or doing something recreational. “Anything that gets you out of that task-focused headspace and into a state where you’re more relaxed and receptive,” says Roman.

Next, there’s the little matter of dress. Working from home and having zero plans is usually synonymous with pilly sweats and pyjamas. For some people, casual clothing can lead to more cuddling and intimacy because it makes for a more relaxed atmosphere. But for others, it can create a “friend-zone” dynamic because they’re no longer coming home as separate, put-together individuals. “It might be a nice idea to get dressed even though you’re working from home; to see each other in that way, rather than as blobs on the couch.” 

On a brighter note, Roman says being cooped up can actually benefit couples. He suggests making it an opportunity to break out of the old routine and try something new together, like playing cards or board games—anything that’s conducive to connecting (i.e. not binge-watching garbage). “If you’re able to speak up about what you need and maintain that sense of separateness, then spending a lot of time together can lead to feeling closer and more bonded, the way a vacation can,” he says. “If you have the right attitude, it can be great for your relationship.” 

 

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