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Illustration by Poonam Chauhan. Getty Images

“I Had My First Orgasm in the Shower at 38”

One woman’s story of discovering masturbation later in life

The longest sexual relationship any of us will ever have is with ourselves. And this liaison is all benefits, no drawbacks: It’s a sure thing, happens on your schedule and yours alone, an orgasm is pretty much guaranteed every time, and no one will ghost you afterwards. So we decided to pay tribute to it with our Love Yourself package. Why not go and love yourself right now?

If you listen to pop culture, masturbation is something most of us discovered around the same time we bought our first sparkly lip balm (Bonne Bell or bust) and were initiated to that “I must, I must, I must increase my bust” chest-enhancement exercise in Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. (It may or may not have coincided with learning creatures like Jonathan Taylor Thomas existed as well.)

What you see on TV, of course, isn’t necessarily the rule—and real life allows for infinitely greater nuance in our experiences. Because it’s still shrouded in taboo, many women (and men!) grew up feeling like touching themselves was a dirty thing, a thing to be shy about…or just a thing they didn’t even know enough about to want to explore. For Marjorie*, in her 50s now, it was a complicated combination of all of the above. This is her story of coming to masturbation later in life.

“I remember feeling so many things in that moment: surprised, overwhelmed, powerful, and thinking, ‘Oh, this is what all the fuss is about’”

One day after my divorce, I found myself in the shower, exploring my body—and I had my first orgasm. I was 38. I’d been married for 10 years. I’d had kids! I remember feeling so many things in that moment: Surprised, overwhelmed, powerful, and thinking, ‘Oh, this is what all the fuss is about.’ I also felt frustrated. Like, ‘How could I not know my body was capable of this?’ More than anything, I felt sexually alive for the first time in my life.

Growing up, the only education I had around sex or sexuality was a book about the birds and the bees that my mom gave me when I was around 10. She said I could ask her any questions I had, but I don’t remember asking any, because I felt like that topic was locked up pretty tight in our home. When I was a younger teen, there was one brave soul at Sunday school who attempted to teach us about masturbation—but when the parents found out, some swift consequences were doled out to that volunteer teacher. A few years later, I found myself married at 19, mainly because I felt so guilty about having sex outside of marriage that I married the first guy I was intimate with, even though he’d been physically violent with me.

Something that helped to lead me to that moment in the shower was Succulent Wild Woman by SARK. On the cover, there’s a line that reads, “This book is my glowing invitation to you, to live a rich, succulent life,” and she goes on to talk about sexuality, love, romance, fear and creativity among other things. Reading that little book a bit every day unlocked something in me. It gave me permission and encouragement to be curious and explore things in my body and life that I hadn’t up to that point. And for me, that included masturbating.

My life after that first orgasm has been profoundly different. It’s freed me to question, to count on myself and to be curious about myself and life itself. And, obviously, it’s allowed me to fulfill my sexual needs. At times, I think of my younger self—this person who entered adulthood so blindly in so many ways—and wish I could tell her to just relax. I’d tell her to shed the moral cape tossed on her shoulders by her parents and just be curious, allow herself to explore and learn as she went along. And I don’t think my story is that uncommon: In my age group, we tend to keep our sexual experiences or questions private, but I have heard from other women, and, like me, they’ve been in sexual relationships but aren’t sure if they’ve ever actually orgasmed.

After my divorce, I was consciously single for 18 years. I was too busy raising my kids—and myself, in a way—that I didn’t want to be distracted, or watered down by a relationship that was just another hat to wear. At the encouragement of my children, I did begin dating again at 46, and it was a real learning curve, but I had a great time. I’ve been in three committed relationships, and even got married a second time. Now, at 59, I’m happily single once more. I no longer feel this nagging need to be with someone, and I’m capable of fulfilling my sexual needs. Masturbation is obviously different to a person-to-person encounter, but I’m content.” —As told to Sarah Laing

*Name has been changed

 

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