If you’ve been on Instagram recently, your targeted ads may have presented you with a small gadget, about the size of your hand, that has a big promise on offer. Aspen Angel’s AquaGleam Ultrasonic Cleanser purports that, using ultrasonic water technology and AAA batteries, it will release all the dust, soot, dirt, and grime on anything from jewelry to eyeglasses, leaving anything left in the reservoir of water looking brand new.
Wouldn’t that be nice.
And so we forked over $26 dollars for it. When it arrived, the SPY office cheered. Finally, we would be able to glint and glitter with our sparkly jewels that had been caked in the soot of life in New York. We sourced earrings from our managing editor, eyeglasses from our home editor, and vintage rings from our staff writer. Then we tested it.
And? Nothing. Nil. Broken. Kaputz. Nada.
This is basically a $26 bird bath. It’s absolutely worthless, and shakes and rattles around a table. Now, dear reader, I’m sure you have several questions about how a highly sophisticated piece of technology such as this could falter to such devastating effects. Well, let me answer some of the most expected questions now.
Surely, the device is meant to only clean one item at a time, and that was your err in judgment?
Ah, we thought of that. Each of these items were tried and retried and nothing changed. The machine released no dirt or grime whatsoever.
But you must all keep very clean, polished jewels and eyewear handy then, right? The machine would have had nothing to clean!
Hah, clearly you haven’t seen the SPY staff. We’re a lovable but motley crew. There was, and still is, visible dirt in each of these products before and — more importantly — after the sonic bath.
Is it possible you didn’t have enough water in it?
It was filled to the marked line indicating where to fill the thing up to.
Wow, this does sound like a piece of junk.
Your words, not ours, dear reader.
I mean, sometimes technological marvels break, right? The Hubble Telescope, for example!
Interesting hypothesis. Is it possible the AquaGleam Ultrasonic Sensor had a similar Spherical Aberration Problem to the Hubble Telescope that opened the heavens to human mortal eyes? I guess. Is that more likely than an Instagram-sold gadget is just bullshit? Probably not.
But SPY, think about it. Did you really think that a small basin of water shaking very fast would clean dirt out of jewelry that’s had it for years?
I mean, when you put it like that, I guess the egg really is on our faces…
Let’s try and find some positives. What about the suction cups to hold the shaking tube in place? Do those work?
Why would they start working now? Obviously they do not.
So what can this device be used for?
It makes a kind of oblong shot glass, I suppose. You can also use it as a small catch-all tray to store scraps of paper with other, equally bad product ideas written on them. If you’re interested in any of the above, visit the link below.
