Another week, another discovery of Texas billionaire Harlan Crow paying for Clarence Thomas’ shit and Thomas not disclosing it. First it was the annual luxury vacations! Then it was Thomas’ mother’s house, which Crow bought and fixed up. The newest revelation from ProPublica is that Crow paid the private school tuition of Thomas’ grandnephew, whom Thomas had taken custody of and was raising “as a son.” None of this was disclosed. So what’s the plan here? Democrats, and some Republicans, hope that John Roberts—supposedly ever-sensitive to the image of the court!—takes it into his own hands to clean up the present situation at the Supreme Court, where lifetime-appointed justices do whatever they want. But what if Roberts doesn’t want to? What if other justices don’t want to? They don’t have to do anything. Congress is too polarized to pass a SCOTUS ethics law, let alone impeach and convict a justice. So if someone could point out where we’re all going here, the Surge would be obliged.

This week, Tucker Carlson remained fired from Fox News. But that doesn’t mean that Fox News is done with him. A veritable treasure trove of leaks and stories and hot mic moments from Carlson’s time at the network continues to find its way into the news stream. There’s him asking the makeup artist if “pillow fights ever break out” in the women’s bathroom, and him making fun of the network’s streaming site, Fox Nation, of which he was the biggest star. But we also learned this week about the inflammatory, redacted Carlson text that Fox bigwigs reportedly first heard about the night before the Dominion trial was set to begin. In a lengthy text sent to his producer on Jan. 7, 2021, Carlson described watching a video of Trump supporters “pounding the living shit” out of an “Antifa kid.” It “was three against one, at least,” Tucker wrote. “Jumping a guy like that is dishonorable obviously. It’s not how white men fight.” (White men, in Carlson’s mind, don their finest tuxedos and slap one another with a frilly glove, to demand satisfaction.) The discovery of this text, per the New York Times, was a factor pushing Fox to settle before the trial and, eventually, to dispatch with Carlson. Our only question about this is: Does “It’s not how white men fight” really sound like something Carlson wouldn’t have said on-air?

You think it’s embarrassing to be Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis these days, trailing Trump by a million points in primary polls? Imagine being one of his quislings in the state Legislature, changing whatever law the governor needs changed to help his still-unannounced presidential campaign. As the legislative session wraps up, the body has changed the state’s resign-to-run law so DeSantis won’t have to quit as governor in order to run for president. The Legislature passed a bill to shield DeSantis’ publicly funded travel records—going forward and retroactively! Then there’s all the culture war stuff, “pronoun bills” and additional state code telling people where to go to the bathroom. DeSantis basically got what he wanted out of this legislative session: some administrative hurdles out of the way, and then some red-meat culture war legislation to throw around in the primary debates. But you know what’s great? None of it’s going to matter when Trump calls him, say, “the short pudding bitch” once and ends DeSantis’ chances.

Dallas-area Rep. Colin Allred jumped into the Senate race this week to challenge Sen. Ted Cruz. Allred, in his third term, is a mainstream Democrat and former NFL linebacker. (And, look, if he’s going to keep leaning so hard into this NFL thing, we’re going to have to say it: Check the stats. Not a lot going on. Sorry!) Watching Allred’s launch video, though, was a reminder of how fun it must be to run against Ted Cruz. It includes a clip of Cruz, in his screeching yell, egging on protests of the 2020 election results, and then mentions how he “hid in a supply closet” on Jan. 6. This is also the very first time someone has challenged Ted Cruz for office since his escape to Cancún during the deep Texas freeze of 2021—and you’d better believe that the infamous photo of Cruz rolling his luggage in the Cancún airport is in Allred’s video. Such fun material to work with, and the fundraising will take care of itself! Indeed, the next 18 months are going to be the time of Allred’s life, until he narrowly loses next November after getting everyone’s hopes up.

Some shocking news out of the Senate this week: A senator has chosen to retire at a reasonable age. Three-term Maryland Sen. Ben Cardin, 79, won’t run for reelection. This sets up an interesting Democratic primary. Rep. David Trone, a booze mogul, has already entered the race on a platform of having a lot of money. Prince George’s County Executive Angela Alsobrooks is also likely to join, and Rep. Jamie Raskin, who has a substantial national profile, will also give it a look-see. A route that really is not worth going down is considering whether Republicans have a shot. Maryland may elect a Republican governor from time to time, but it is strictly blue at the federal level. Popular ex-Gov. Larry Hogan knows this, and says he has no interest whatsoever. Republicans were also reportedly sounding out former Orioles great Cal Ripken Jr. to run, something they have attempted to do for every race in the past 20 years. He said no, again. Forget it, GOP. It’s Crabtown.

On Jan. 30, to little fanfare, California Rep. Mark DeSaulnier introduced a bill, called the Breaking the Gridlock Act, that would “advance commonsense policy priorities.” It was referred to 20 committees. What Democrats revealed this week, though, was that the bill was something of a legislative sleeper agent that could be awakened in the event of a debt-limit impasse. If there’s no breakthrough on raising the debt limit—which could be reached by June 1, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen announced—DeSaulnier’s bill could be a vehicle for a “discharge petition.” That’s a maneuver that allows 218 signatories to circumvent the majority’s control of the floor and force a vote on a bill. The bill would be DeSaulnier’s, the text of which would be amended entirely with language raising the debt limit. The problem? Aside from the time crunch, it will still be exceptionally difficult to get five House Republicans to go along with Democrats’ plot to humiliate Speaker Kevin McCarthy (and, after that, to get 10 Senate Republicans to go along with it too). But at least DeSaulnier has made the legislative tool available if and when legislators are really scrambling around the deadline.

We’ve got to end this edition with a shout-out to Chuck Mountbatten-Windsor on his big day over there in England. Only once or twice in any man’s life does he get anointed as God’s chosen sovereign of a kingdom and sprawling international empire. The Surge remembers our turn, when the archbishop of Canterbury poured God’s olive oil from the Ampulla to the Coronation Spoon to our head, in secret, behind a screen. Took us weeks to get it out of our hair, Chuck! But it's worth it for the swag that comes next. We’re talking orbs, scepters, rods, swords, a lil’ bit of wood from Jesus’ crucifixion cross, St. Edward’s Crown—prime loot here. Yes, Chuck, it’s tough being the center of attention. And it’s a lot of pressure from God, making you do this. Our advice? Keep a little flex in the knees, and pop a beta blocker with a glass of Champagne about an hour beforehand. You’re going to kill it!