Each week in the Tuesday column, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. She’ll post her final thoughts on the matter on Fridays.
Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Luca, Zelenka, On Your Shoulder, JustOut, Rhosyn, and Gender Euphoria for their ideas!
Dear Prudence,
My partner is trans. He (he/they) recently came out to me. I don’t mind at all, I fell in love with his soul and mind, not his pronouns. His parents are paying for his schooling, so he’s not out to them just yet, since they’re not sure how their parents are going to react. My question is a pretty simple one: How can I support them? What would make him feel loved and supported? Especially in this political climate with Project 2025 looming over us, what can I do to be there and ensure he feels safe? I worry about him a lot, and I just want him to feel safe and loved.
—Trying to Be a Good Ally at a Bad Time
Dear Good Ally,
I read your letter and thought “I have some ideas, but let me ask someone who would know better—preferable some trans people—for their specific suggestions.” I thought some themes might emerge around do’s and don’ts, common missteps, and behaviors that could feel supportive but are actually annoying. Instead, the people who responded echoed my “Ask someone who would know better approach,” but wisely pointed out that that “someone” should be your partner. Which makes all the sense in the world.
Just like we all want different things when we’re sick, or when we’re grieving, or when we’re celebrating a birthday or recently had a child, all trans people want different things after coming out, and all need different kinds of support to feel loved.
Luca: I’m also a trans he/they. It’d never hurt to ask him directly. We all have different wants and needs when it comes to being supportive and safe! What I prefer might not be what they prefer.
Zelenka: If you’re not sure how to help and support someone, ask! Ask in general, and then when he says “I don’t know,” ask again on specific occasions. Parents are coming to town and he has to be a girl for the day? Ask: Do you want me to come with you or would you rather handle it alone, do you need to borrow any of my clothes or cosmetics, how can I help you get back to yourself afterwards? Someone you both know repeatedly misgenders him? Ask if he wants you to jump in with a correction every single time or if he just doesn’t want to have that discussion with that person. Don’t try to read his mind or think for him. Ask, and then accept his answer.
This reader made a good point: Your partner might not know, or what he needs might be evolving. So make sure you allow for an ongoing conversation about how you can be there for him. Also, you could start by looking up some existing resources for allies and asking “would this be helpful”?
Trans Person on Your Shoulder: *grabs your ear like a cartoon angel* ASK YOUR PARTNER! Seriously, that is the best advice we can give you. Every trans person’s situation, desires, and journeys are going to be different, and you don’t provide many details in your letter. Therefore, you should ask your partner how they would like to be supported in their specific situation, and try your best to do that within your limits. Though if he only figured out his gender recently, there’s a chance he’s still trying to figure that out for himself, so don’t put too much pressure on him when you do ask. Another thing you could look into are resources like those at PFLAG for general ‘how to good trans ally’ things, and I personally have had really good experience with the trans community on Reddit if you have more specific questions or concerns. Yes, the current environment sucks (the stuff in Project 2025 regarding how they want to treat trans people is horrifying), but that’s why you have to let your partner steer the ship. They know themself best, and they will understand what they need from you best.
You might ask specific questions about how to behave around his family and what he needs when he’s spent time with his family, before and after they learn about his transition:
JustOut: As someone who also recently came out as genderfluid and asked folks to switch to they/them, with only half my family supportive, I’m just gonna go ahead and say that the fact you are taking the time to ask this question is already amazing! I just encourage you to ask your partner, next. What do they need/want from you as a show of support? Based on the kind and considerate tone of your letter, I’m guessing you’re already doing the basics like supporting their social transition, using correct pronouns (when appropriate, for example not around family), and other names/nicknames that they prefer and gently correcting people who slip up. One of the most affirming things for me was how quick my sister switched to calling me “sibling” instead of a gendered term. The little things make a HUGE difference! The unsupportive family is the biggest challenge, so definitely touch base with your partner before any meetings to ensure you don’t let slip anything they don’t want known. And providing care after these potentially unaffirming and loaded interactions with family, by letting your partner know you love and see them for who they are, support and understand why they aren’t out to their family, and are ready to go to bat for them when they want to come out, will likely be MUCH appreciated. Keep doing you, you’re doing great!
I also appreciated this reminder that in addition to asking your partner what they need from you in specific situations, you can let your own conscience (as a decent person who wants all people to have rights and be able to live peacefully) guide how you engage with the broader world:
Rhosyn: Don’t ask Prudie, ask your partner. Tell them that you want them to feel safe and supported, and ask what they would like you to do to achieve those goals. Additionally, you can be a good ally in general. Are you volunteering for and/or donating to progressive candidates and organizations? Do you speak up in general against anti-trans speech or activities. You don’t have to out your partner to speak up. You don’t have to justify your opinion by stating your relationship, you can just say that as a decent, empathic human being this is what I believe. Work to create a world where your partner can feel safe, and while we’re getting there listen to what they want from you right now.
And finally, this may be a little nit-picky, but it’s worth considering whether you’re framing his identity as something you tolerate or don’t care about, or something you enthusiastically embrace.
Gender Euphoria: Well, first of all, ask him. Secondly, be careful of this framing of “not minding” or loving him for his soul/self and not his pronouns. It’s very sweet and sincere and it’s clear how much you love this person and that is awesome; I have no doubt you two are super cute together. But over time, this framing can sort of … wash out or flatten this thing about him that is not actually incidental (or it might be? for him? again, ask him). A lot of us, as we learn to love ourselves, also love being trans. So rather than saying “it doesn’t matter to me that you’re trans because I love you,” try saying “I love that you’re trans” because it makes him more himself, the same way you would say “I love that you’re so passionate about union organizing” or whatever. Some people might hate that though. Ask him.
I don’t want to say you can’t go wrong, but because of the thoughtfulness and good intentions that inspired you to send this letter, and the good information you’ll get when you do what everyone advised and “just ask,” I think you’re on track to be a great ally, and more importantly, a great partner.