Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am very happily expecting a baby solo (the whole process has been solo; I used a donor). I’m surrounded by a loving community and network of support and feeling about as ready as I could be. However, I hold local elected office, and the questions have started to come in about “who the father is,” accompanied by a barrage of strange and unhelpful and judgy comments when I furnish an answer. I recognize that other people’s feelings about this are none of my business, and honestly, I don’t lose sleep over them—but I’d like to avoid as much of it as possible. My process is not a secret, but this job is hard enough (and public enough!) as it is, and people are always up in my business about everything. I really don’t want to explain and/or litigate my choices with everyone who crosses my path. I’m looking for ideas about how to politely accept people’s well-wishes but sidestep the uninvited opinions and questions and not invite further discussion. Can you help?
—Not Interested in the Feedback
Dear Not Interested,
From your phrase “my process is not a secret,” I’m a little unclear whether you want the answer to be public/findable, so people stop asking you directly, or whether you want to keep things vague. So, I’ll give you a few options.
If you want the one-and-done proactive approach, I’d put a personal statement on your website or reach out to your community newspaper about a profile piece—maybe they’d want to do a story on single parenting or donor conception and use you as the leading character in the article. Afterward, if anyone asked, you can answer with a simple, “Oh I’m Google-able” and leave it there.
If your preferred approach is more “I’m not hiding it but I’m also not proactively sharing,” which is where I think you lean, then try a few of these responses on for size, depending on how earnest or irreverent you want to be:
I have my city council hat on right now, so the baby I’m most interested in discussing today is the annual budget.
Who’s the father? Thomas Edison. Our connection was just electric! (Or: Odysseus—it’s been quite a journey getting here; etc.) Anyway, back to infrastructure...
I used a donor, and I’m really excited, but I’m sure you understand I get a lot of questions about it so let’s leave it there. But thanks for the well-wishes!
I’m doing this solo, technically, but this baby has five honorary aunties and uncles in the wings, so I have a whole village ready to welcome them.
Also, even though this is a relatively small concern (in the grand scheme of political messaging), I wouldn’t discount the possibility of hiring a public relations practitioner to truth-check this advice and get more professional guidance. I’m sure you can find someone for a moderate consulting fee; plus, having them in the wings could be nice if the questions continue or balloon after the birth. Good luck to you!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m 14 and have two siblings aged 11 (“Ben”) and almost 7 (“Eliza”). Ben is autistic, and so am I, although not as obviously as Ben is (he will have a meltdown in front of anyone; I will keep everything bottled up until I get home). Eliza is neurotypical and quite obviously the favorite on our mum’s side of the family (we don’t see our dad’s often), because she is small and cute—everyone buys her gifts all the time. I am not at all the favorite, but everyone still enjoys spending time with me and I am obviously appreciated.
But everyone always “forgets” Ben. They seem to view him as more of a difficult problem than a person. He never gets invited to anyone in the family’s house unless all three of us are invited. Our grandma will go on about how all of HER children were always perfectly behaved etc. whenever he has a meltdown. He isn’t really close with anyone in the extended family, and no one really seems to like him (at least not as much as they like me and Eliza). I have no clue how to bring this up with my mum as I know she will defend her family and say it just “seems” that no one likes Ben because Eliza is “small and cute” and I’m “more like an adult.” Any advice would be appreciated.
—Fed Up With Being the Favorite
Dear Fed Up,
Talk to your mom about what you’re noticing from the extended family; keep the focus on what you have observed and how it makes you feel, rather than speaking in absolutes (“Grandma always…”, “Nobody ever…”). It’s possible your mom has already noticed the same behavior that you have and is already trying to address it with her family, so try to give your mom the benefit of the doubt when you talk. Ask questions and be ready to talk about what kinds of things you’d want to be different. At the same time, though, be prepared for your mom to push back on you a little bit, depending on what kinds of expectations she thinks would be reasonable for these family members. Unfortunately, some folks simply don’t know how to interact with neurodivergent kids whose behaviors are unpredictable or extreme. It’s not necessarily a moral failing on your mom’s part if she’s unable to find a way to “fix” her family’s behavior. If you can come to this conversation already assuming you and your mom are on the same side, she may be less likely to be defensive, and you might get deeper insights as a result.
Beyond this conversation, think of other ways you can be your brother’s ally. The next time your grandma complains about him, maybe you can (respectfully) say, “He’s doing his best.” Lead by example, showing him patience, empathy, and acceptance. Publicly and privately, be there for Ben and let him know through your words and actions that you love, respect, and enjoy him. I obviously don’t know how aware Ben is of these family dynamics, but I know that as we grow up, we remember the people who showed up for us in our childhoods. You’re doing a good job as Ben’s big sister; keep going.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner (who lives with me and family) has not been present in his daughter’s life since shortly after I met him five years ago. His parents adopted his daughter around seven years ago (she is now 10, I believe). He was struggling with DUIs, etc., and has since cleaned up and is working full time and has gotten several promotions. But he won’t even answer me when I bring up reaching out to his daughter—he said he wants to wait until he gets his license restored, which I’m trying to help with. I desperately want us to be in her life, or at least him. I suspect he has narcissistic tendencies (if not a true narcissist). When in addiction, he was such a bad person. He is so much better now. Do you have any advice for me? He says he wants to marry me but I’m not sure I can continue to be with someone who doesn’t place importance on his daughter and who doesn’t even want to talk about it with me. I know, I’m a mess.
—The Mess
Dear Mess,
I could speculate on what might be going through your partner’s mind about his relationship to his daughter, and so could you. But right now, I don’t think that should be your focus. Instead, I think there are two key questions you need to answer for yourself.
Question one: Why isn’t your partner willing (or able) to talk about his daughter with you? Is it pent-up shame and regret that makes the topic too painful? While it’s perfectly reasonable to have certain topics you don’t want to belabor with a partner, your letter makes it seem like this entire topic is always off-limits between you two, which I’m not sure is a mark of the kind of healthy communication you’d want in a long-term relationship. While he likely has a lot of complicated and heavy emotions around this subject, which is understandable, you want to be confident that a long-term partner is able to share these vulnerabilities with you.
Question two: It’s great that you want your partner to be in his daughter’s life, but it’s not your call to make, and your use of the word “desperately” makes me nervous. What if he decides he can’t or won’t do it? Are you willing to stand by him and accept his choice, or would a continued estrangement from his daughter be a dealbreaker for you? You cannot move forward in this relationship hoping that you’ll convince or wear him down to contact her—this needs to be something he does of his own volition on his own time. It’s OK if you can’t accept that, but you owe it to him and yourself to be honest about it.
I understand you want what you feel is best for both dad and daughter, but this sounds like it’s a lot more complicated and daunting to him than just “placing importance on his daughter,” as you put it. If you don’t think that grey area is a place you can metaphorically live, you might want to consider whether this is the relationship for you.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’ve been trying to help my narcissistic mother-in-law for 15 years. For the first few years, when she’d threaten suicide, I would call the authorities as well as have a mobile psychiatrist see her. As the years have gone on, I’ve learned that these seem to be casual and empty threats. (She has mentioned suicide about twice a week for at least 15 years, several times in front of my child.)
She’s very histrionic, which can make it hard to gauge. She is often a busybody who delights in judging and talking trash about all of us when she isn’t in four-day-old jammies and talking about death. She lives four houses away but calls each of us (my husband and me) at least four times a day to complain about ridiculous things. She is bipolar and medicated for it, which helps the mania, but the depression is deep.
This all falls on my husband and me because no one else will help. My father-in-law wants nothing to do with her which is also awful and undoubtedly contributing. But no matter what we do, it’s not enough. She is constantly testing how far we will go for her, which is exhausting. I don’t know how to help anymore. I’m finding myself avoiding calls from her for my own sanity.
To make it worse, I am on federal disability for a long-term and painful condition. It seems to annoy her that she has to consider that. I regularly hear, “You’re so smart, surely you can find a job” before launching into a what-about-me/no-one-cares-about-me diatribe. (I had a 25-year career in advanced tech. Retiring at 47 was not a choice but I am physically and sometimes mentally not dependable now. She refuses to acknowledge this.) How do we help someone who needs us but is on our last nerves?
—Defeated in San Francisco
Dear Reading,
I don’t know if you can help her. Are she and your father-in-law still married and living together? If so, his dismissal is really unfortunate, since I’d say he should be taking the lead here—but I suppose he may also feel the same way you all do and has simply washed his hands of the situation.
This has been going on for more than a decade, and no amount of taking her calls, encouraging her to seek help, or calling emergency services has made an impact. Quite the contrary, she has continued the behavior even in front of your child; to me, that shows that she’s prioritizing her need for attention above the emotional safety and security of her grandchild, and that’s not OK.
I don’t think you can continue to entertain this behavior. Seek the help of a family therapist who can counsel you through drawing a firmer boundary around behavior you will no longer tolerate. Your mother-in-law is not interested in getting help, but that doesn’t mean that you and your family must maintain this status quo. She is not entitled to your time or attention, and given that you yourself have enough on your plate, medically and probably emotionally, I’d rather you and your husband focus your energy inward. Good luck.
—Allison
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