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Dear Care and Feeding,
My niece and nephew, 11-year-old boy-girl twins, seem to be overly dependent on each other. They’ve been through some traumatic experiences together.
They lost their father in a sudden car crash while my niece had extended hospital stays in 2022-23 due to a medical condition that nearly killed her. These experiences seem to have created an intense bond between them to the point where they can barely be apart from each other and tend to shut down without the other’s presence.
My niece, in particular, struggles more with making friends than my nephew does. In school, they have different classes but are otherwise never far apart from each other. My nephew has an easier time of it than my niece does, but neither is in a great spot. My nephew has gotten to the point where he’s made friends in some of his classes, but he describes them as “class friends” and he never hangs out with them outside of class. They do extracurricular activities with each other. This dependency has extended far beyond school, though. Even for things like when my sister took my niece to the eye doctor, the same one she’s seen since she was 5, and was sitting in the lobby working on her laptop, my niece had a panic attack during the checkup because her mother or brother weren’t there. Their mother, a single mom, refuses to acknowledge that there might be a problem. I understand that their bond might be a coping mechanism for the trauma they’ve experienced. I’m worried for them.
—Concerned Aunt
Dear Aunt,
So, I want to start by acknowledging a couple of things that might be happening within this household. The first is that, in addition to the twins’ dependency on each other, the twins and their mom may also have formed a kind of survival triad, which might make it hard for her to see that there is an issue. I became a widow in 2021 and there was definitely a feeling of rallying together as a family of three that happened after our loss; your niblings were older when they lost their dad so I would imagine that feeling of banding together would be even stronger within their family than mine. So, as you proceed, recognize that they might all be holding onto each other, still trying to define their new normal, and you need to be sensitive to that.
The second, and somewhat contradictory, thing to consider is that your sister might have a sense that something is wrong, but she is hoping that it will resolve on its own, simply because the logistics of having one more major responsibility is too daunting to contemplate. I have found that the hardest part of being a widowed parent isn’t the grief, the finances, or any of the things I expected; it’s the fact that the entire weight of my family’s survival and well-being is on me. And although my responsibilities to keep my kids, home, and self intact have significantly increased, the hours in the day have remained the same. Some days, that math is enough to almost send me over the edge. So, understand that you telling your sister there is a problem could very well be seen as one more chore when she is simply out of spoons.
OK so those are the caveats, what is the meat of my answer? I think you’re right to be concerned, and it does sound like your niblings are in need of therapy. Trauma, including the death of a loved one, can cause separation anxiety and PTSD in both adults and children. Are you showing up for your sister and her kids, either physically or emotionally, regularly? You might have more luck getting through if you are in the trenches with her—it’ll feel less like advice “from the outside.” But even if you’re being the best sister you can be, it might take some time before she’s ready to hear your concern and act on it. Patience, grace, and pitching in are your best shots at getting through to her. Good luck.
—Allison
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