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Dear How to Do It,
My hubby (40 M) and I (45 M) are fond of inviting a third to join us in bed. Recently, we were enjoying the company of a younger gent.
He repeatedly called us “daddy.” I’m an old theatre kid and it seemed fun, so I leaned into the fantasy for this guy, saying, “Your daddies are proud of you/you’re our favorite boy,” etc. My partner, on the other hand, fixed me with a very curious look while this was happening. After we sent him home, my partner dropped more than a handful of half-mocking comments about my “new kink” that I had been “hiding” from him. I was surprised at his comments; I had fun and I wouldn’t mind playing that role again for somebody who likes it. But he’s still dropping quips like, “Well, I don’t need a daddy so don’t try that with me.” We’ve been together for 20 years and we love each other, but how can I affirm my love for him while still potentially exploring this new facet of playtime?
—Daddy But Not Your Daddy
Dear Not Your Daddy,
It seems like something about daddy roleplay really struck a nerve for your husband. I’d start the conversation there: ”I love you so much, and it seems like this daddy thing got under your skin in some way. I’d like to understand why.” After 20 years, I suspect you’ve got some insight into how to best phrase things and how to ask clarifying questions to draw out whatever is happening on his end. Once you have more information about why he’s reacting this way, then you’ll be in a better place to figure out whether it’s feasible to keep exploring this kind of play and, if so, how to best approach it.
These conversations can feel tough because they often are difficult talks to have. But, on the other side of them, relationships emerge stronger. You’ve got this.
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Dear How to Do It,
My (32 F) boyfriend (35 M) of nearly five years is truly my best friend, and I’m crazy about him. He’s very much a still-waters-run-deep kind of person, and I’m an ADHD ping-pong ball, so we balance each other nicely. Unfortunately, my boyfriend has been dealing with depression for decades, and due to his job, he can’t seek treatment. If his employer found out he ever sought so much as talk therapy, he’d lose his job and would likely never find employment in his field again, so anti-depressants are out of the question. (He’s not a danger to anyone or himself; it’s the industry that refuses to get with the times about mental health care).
As you can imagine, his untreated symptoms have bled into our relationship, particularly our sex life. I got him to agree to go to couples counseling (paid in cash), and there has definitely been improvement. The counselor encouraged my boyfriend to get his testosterone level checked, and it turned out it was wildly low, so he started taking a prescription to boost it. We were so excited because we had this idea that the testosterone would work like steroids and we’d be back on the same page sexually in no time, but it’s been months and that hasn’t happened. What has happened is that my boyfriend’s overall mood has improved, and he says he’s been happier than he can remember ever being. I am so so happy he’s feeling better and our relationship is deepening because of it, but I am still disappointed about his libido remaining low. When we talk about it, he says he wants his libido back, and he’s frustrated that it hasn’t come back yet. He feels like he’s letting me down and he’s not enough for me. In response, I feel so guilty and shameful for needing this and making him feel bad that he can’t give it to me.
So I have two questions. First: His doctor just keeps saying, “It takes a while” with no indication of how long that actually is. Do you have any insight on this? And second: How do I cope with the possibility that we just might always have mismatched desire?
—Needy Not Greedy
Dear Needy Not Greedy,
I reached out to associate professor of urology (and friend of the column) Robert Welliver for some insight into your boyfriend’s situation. The short version is that hormones in men are actually about as ill-understood as hormones in women. “Testosterone has been viewed as a panacea for anything that might be slightly related to having a Y chromosome,” Welliver said. I am both surprised and disappointed by this fact.
As Welliver continued, the situation became murkier, “The male brain (and sexual response) are more complicated than just testosterone, and low libido can be related to a variety of factors that aren’t just about low T. It could just be that he has a lower sexual drive than her or that there is some other non-testosterone factor affecting his libido.” So the added testosterone might not make a difference in his libido at all.
Welliver noted that an ideal course of action would be for your boyfriend to see a counselor or sex therapist, but I understand that most therapy isn’t an option at this time. Since you are able to access couples counseling, you might ask that provider for their insight here.
As for coping with mismatched desire, masturbation is a great tool, both in the context of solo time and in the context of asking your partner to engage with you physically—for instance, hugging you—while you handle matters yourself. You can develop a rich sexual relationship with yourself to take some of the pressure off of your interactions with him. It may also help you to know that many relationships have some degree of libido discrepancy.
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Dear How to Do It,
How does one “ween off” their preferred sex toy? I am soon to go on a trip for a few months, and I will not bring my vibrator with me. In any case, I’ve wanted to go back to reliably orgasming with just my hands, which has become difficult due to my impatience and preference for the pink toy. I still want to use it on occasion, but not as regularly as now. So, how does one go about it? It may not feel like when I first started masturbating, but fingers have their place still.
—The Pink Wonder
Dear Pink Wonder,
It sounds like you’re habituated to this particular pink toy. It’s a thing that can happen to anyone—and it doesn’t just happen with toys. Sometimes people get habituated to a certain strength of stimulation or even a particular position. The standard advice—which is the tactic that seems to work best for most people—is essentially what you’re going to be doing anyway; stop doing the one routine you’re accustomed to, until you’re so squirmy and turned on that any kind of diddle will do the trick. Leave the toy behind, be patient with your body, and take the opportunity to explore the kinds of pleasure your fingers can provide you with all over again. Breathe into your body, feel your edges, and play with different types of sensations.
And, you know, if that doesn’t work, you have the reunion with your favorite vibrator to look forward to.
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve always had trouble mentally getting into sex in my committed relationships—especially with my husband. Then we had a baby, and I had to really put a lot of mental effort into the project of doing it once a week. I recently weaned and got my libido back! Hooray! But we do have a kid now, which means sex has to be planned and time is of the essence.
I have a lot of tricks for switching my brain into sex mode: weed, porn, typical stuff. But obviously, things that turn you on just by thinking about them are especially useful. The problem is, the only mental trick that reliably gets me in the mood is thinking about teasing this one person I used to have an unhealthy relationship with. I don’t even particularly like this person! He is moody and annoying! I dumped him after he did a shitty thing to me! I am OK with “using” this to get in the mood, but it feels problematic and I wish I had other options. What gives?!?
—Confused By My Sex Brain
Dear Confused By My Sex Brain,
It’s worth spending some time considering what feels so problematic about this particular memory-based fantasy. If you’ve got a trusted friend you can speak with, those kinds of conversations can be really fruitful. If not, consider journaling, thinking in the shower or on a walk, or whatever else helps you sort through your thoughts and emotions. At the end of the day, though, my stance (and the semi-official stance of this column) is that our thoughts are not a crime or offense, only our actions.
If you’re still looking to move away from this fantasy, or simply want to diversify your repertoire, you might consume some adult—meaning pornographic or erotic—media. Rachel Kramer Bussel’s erotic fiction anthologies for Cleis Press tend to display a broad range of fantasy scenarios in each volume, so that’d be my top pick. The goal to keep in mind as you’re reading (or viewing, or listening) is that of finding new scenarios that you can draw from in the moment when you’re looking to get yourself in the mood—to give you the wider range of options you’re seeking.
—Jessica
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