Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!) Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “Not Into Triangles.”
Dear Prudence,
I (F37) have been dating a man (M40) for about a year. For the first time ever, I can say I’m truly in love with somebody who is truly in love with me. He is everything I have dreamed of in a relationship and never thought I’d find. But there is one thing I cannot accept: He is best friends with his ex-wife.
They have known each other for over 20 years. They don’t have kids together, but share a business. He’s also best friends with her husband. If they only saw each other in the context of the business, I wouldn’t feel so jealous, but knowing that they spend so much time socially after having been married for a decade (they’ve been divorced for almost as long) makes me absolutely insane with jealousy.
What makes it worse is that she and her husband are incredibly nice and welcoming to me! She has continually reached out to me to form a friendship. She is beautiful and funny and talented and very easy to spend time with, but the entire time we’re together, I can’t stop fixating on the fact that this woman spent 10 years having sex with the love of my life. Actually, the fact that she’s so kind to me and interested in getting to know me makes me feel even more jealous.
The whole thing feels so weird. This level of closeness can’t be normal. I know they aren’t cheating. Their vibe is entirely platonic. If I did have those suspicions, it would be easier, because I could just demand that they stop seeing each other. But I can’t do that. I have confided in friends, but most of them at this point tell me that a man being not just amicable with but close to an ex is a green flag about how he is relaxed and comfortable, and not a jealous person. But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get over my choking envy and discomfort.
Have we been together long enough that I could ask for him to reduce their interactions to just the business? We’ve started talking about marriage. If he asked me to get married now, I’d have to tell him that I can’t do it as long as his ex-wife is socially in his life. How do I say that without making him feel like I’m giving him an ultimatum?
—Not Into Triangles
Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: I just feel like … yes, it’s fair to not be okay with this. But it’s a bad idea to not be okay with this. She thinks not being okay with it and putting her foot down could protect her from being hurt, but I don’t buy it.
Joel Anderson: It seems like she’s already dealing with plenty of hurt. She landed the love of her life and she’s got a fantastic character witness in his ex-wife who is giving her a major thumbs-up, and it’s still not enough for her. It’s hard to think of a better or more satisfying prelude to a marriage. But she’s so filled with jealousy and rage that she reached out to you!
Jenée: It’s one of the hardest things about love and relationships. You can’t (without a ton of work and therapy and maybe being hypnotized or some kind of psychedelic healing journey) change the way you feel. You can’t make yourself attracted to the person who could be great for you, you can’t make yourself get over the person who is bad for you, and you can’t just turn off jealousy and insecurity even if an advice columnist tells you to.
Joel: I also get where she’s coming from. I think most people prefer that exes keep their distance, with the exception of co-parents or some similar arrangements. Sure, it makes for a great story that your partner is platonic besties and co-workers with his beautiful ex and her partner! But I could also see how their continued closeness might eventually seed doubt and resentment in the LW’s relationship.
Jenée: Do you agree that even if she said “For us to get married, I’d need for you to only treat her as a coworker, not a friend” and he said “Sure, I’ll do that for you,” it wouldn’t work?
Joel: Oh, of course it wouldn’t. And I suspect that even if her boyfriend agreed, the image of him and his ex together is forever burned onto her brain.
She’s jealous of her dude once having had a relationship with the kind of woman who makes her feel really insecure. Skipping business lunches and cutting off communications after 6 p.m. won’t solve that.
The most sensible response is for her to find another way to think of this. These relationships don’t have to be a problem. She can try to work on her jealousy. She can ask for a few more boundaries for her BF and his ex. And she can ask him for some grace in getting over her own insecurities.
Jenée: And don’t take what I said about therapy, hypnosis, and psychedelic healing off the table!