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Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister-in-law, “Jean,” and my nephew, “James” (13), live with me and my family. Long story short, it was meant to be temporary while Jean got back on her feet after breaking up with James’s dad, but it ended up being such a good living situation for all of us that they’ve been here for almost eight years now.
James came out to us as transgender a couple of months ago. It wasn’t a huge surprise. His transition has had its rocky moments, but so far it’s going better than we could have hoped for. His friends have been very supportive and protective of him. The one real problem we’ve run into is that my youngest daughter, “Maisie” (4) refers to literally everyone and everything as “she.” My husband is “she,” the trash collectors (all men) are “she,” her Spiderman action figure is “she.”
We’ve been working on this since before James came out, but she can’t seem to get the hang of it yet. And James gets upset when Maisie calls him “she” or “her,” which I understand, but sometimes he lashes out at her pretty harshly, which isn’t OK. I’ve told him that he can and should correct her, but he’s not allowed to scream at her about this or anything else, especially about something she doesn’t understand. If he does lose his temper with her, I send him to his room to cool off. His mom and I are on the same page, but it hasn’t improved the situation. I know he’s under stress. Besides coming out fairly recently, he has a new sibling on his dad’s side, and he and his mom will be moving in with her boyfriend in September. And on top of all that, it’s summer, and he’s at that weird age where he’s too young for a job but too old to enjoy playing in the sprinkler. If his friends who live within biking distance aren’t available, he’s stuck at home with his cousins and aunt, and having one of his cousins repeatedly misgender him is enough, I guess, to send him over the edge. I get that he has a lot to process right now, and I’m trying to be patient, both with him and Maisie. But I’m losing my mind. I know it’s only a few months before he and his mom move out, and probably not all that long before Maisie’s language skills improve, but is there a better way to handle it until then?
—She/Her
Dear She/Her,
The use of pronouns is a surprisingly complex skill when one is still learning how language works. Speech and language experts offer guidelines for when children, in general, can be expected to use pronouns correctly, but some children with language delays may exhibit the misuse of pronouns in the way that younger children often do. Explaining this to James should help him distinguish the difference between Maisie referring to him as she and others (older, with much greater language facility) doing so: He is old enough to understand that being misgendered by a child who misgenders everyone is not to be taken personally. If he still loses his temper at Maisie’s saying “she,” I think it would be fair to say that it’s not Maisie he’s angry with, that this is just an excuse to let off some built-up steam (even though he may not be at all aware of this).
I think it would be a great kindness to him to give him the opportunity to talk through what’s really troubling him. He’s got plenty of reasons to be anxious and on edge: the prospect of moving out of a home—the only home he’s known since he was 5 years old!—where he feels safe, accepted for who he is, and loved by everyone in it (including his sometimes annoying much younger cousin) and into a new, unknown one; the prospect of moving in with his mother’s boyfriend; the fact that his father has a new baby; that he is no doubt expected to love that baby and be happy about having a new sibling; and just plain being 13, with its attendant challenges and miseries (for any kid, trans or not), with the added bonus challenge of having recently come out. A new school year is just ahead, too! And, as you say, summer can be a puzzlement when you’re too old to “play” but too young to work.
If this were my nephew, I’d go further than being a sympathetic ear and loving aunt; I’d do what I could to persuade his parents to set up a therapist’s appointment for him, to get ahead of the changes in store for him as well as help him get a handle on the changes that have already occurred. I’d also offer him a bunch of things to do this summer that are neither play nor work: art supplies, books to read, a musical instrument—maybe a guitar—to mess around with (and how about adding guitar lessons to it). I’d also offer to drop him off and pick him up if he wants to see friends who are not in biking distance. In other words: give this kid a hand. (As to Maisie: It wouldn’t hurt to have a session with a speech therapist for her.)
—Michelle
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