Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter hates her car seat like poison, from the day we brought her home from the hospital to now at 3.5 years old. It doesn’t matter if the car is actually moving yet or not—she can’t tolerate being strapped in and restricted! We were hoping she would eventually get used to it as she grew up, but still, nine times out of 10 once the buckles fasten she is screaming red in the face. We’ve spoken to her about safety, accidents, and her protection (the nursery does safety talks too). She has a whole hamper of books, coloring papers, etc. to try and entertain her. She’s actually big enough in this country to move up to the next stage of car seat, which fastens more like an adult’s belt. But we had to go BACK to the more restrictive five-point buckles because she kept letting herself out! How can I make this a happier, safer situation? Besides keeping her secure, it’s also very hard to focus on driving when it sounds like someone is being savaged by timber wolves in the backseat!
—Eyes on the Road, Bums in Seats
Dear Eyes on the Road,
This is a tough one. To a certain degree, toddlers can be reasoned with but it seems like your daughter is past that point. Distraction would have been my go-to answer, but it sounds like you’ve tried that already to no avail. Is it a comfort issue? Are the straps too tight? There are soft covers for the straps and buckles that might make it more comfortable for her. Maybe an emotional comfort blanket she can carry would do the trick.
If it really is that your daughter simply doesn’t appreciate being forced into the seat, try giving her some agency. Let her pick which side of the car the car seat goes on and the color of the cushions, or let her choose a small toy or book to bring along. Maybe she can pick which songs are played on the stereo or you can teach her to buckle herself in exchange for stickers. Any tactic that lets her feel in charge of the car seat situation might help reduce her screaming fits. If she responds to positive reinforcement, you could try some dry runs where you challenge her to get into the car and buckle herself without actually traveling anywhere, in exchange for a treat or a toy.
In my experience, this strategy has worked wonders. My 3-year-old used to refuse to sit down and feed himself. But then I started every meal by letting him choose his plate and the color of his spoon and cup. Then he’d pick out which of the dishes to eat first. If things went OK (even moderately so), I heaped on praise and gave him a reward like a bubble bath or a little bit of screen time.
It’s tricky to know what else to suggest without more information. But if the issue persists, consider consulting with a child psychologist. Getting some outside help to identify any underlying issues might make a huge difference. Hopefully, one day when your daughter stops acting like a timber wolf, you can tease her for it and look back on this as a silly tale. I know the situation feels impossible right now, but you’re doing a great job staying patient and consistent. Things should improve over time. They always do.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband feels like he never has time to do things, and I’m curious how other parents (of littles) divide up the necessary work of the household/kid stuff. Is there a better way for us to do things so we each have more time? We have a 1.5-year-old, and are discussing having another. But my husband seems very frustrated with how our lives are (not) organized and says he feels like he never has time to have his own life. He seems to think that other parents are more efficient in how they handle things. I think that at this age, we just aren’t going to have a lot of time. This is how we split things up:
In the mornings we tend to trade the kid back and forth while each of us gets ready for work and while getting her ready for daycare. We have also been alternating days for each of us to try to get a workout in.
In the evenings: On days we both work from home, one parent watches the kid (at the playground if possible) while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one parent does bath, PJs, milk, and brushing teeth while the other cleans up, and then we both come in to read books and say goodnight. After their bedtime (7:30-8 p.m.), we finish cleaning up/getting ready for the next day, and have some time to ourselves. The weekends are admittedly kind of chaotic, but at least on Sundays I have been taking the kid to swim class and then the playground afterward while he either grocery shops or has time to himself. Kiddo is in a very “mommy” phase right now, so it is sometimes difficult when it is his turn to watch her. I like to think we are pretty good about giving each other time—he has been taking music lessons every other week in the evenings and on those days, I handle all the nighttime stuff. I occasionally go out with friends and he solo parents on those evenings. We do not have family nearby or any kind of regular babysitters. Are we being inefficient? Is there a better way to get everything done?
—Missing Father Time
Dear Missing Father Time,
This question also appeared in one of last week’s columns, but as a dad of littles (3 and 1.5 years old), I deeply commiserate with you and your husband and wanted to share some ideas. I have to start by saying that it sounds like you both are already doing a commendable job! You’ve taken steps to share responsibilities and have even managed to find time for individual activities. Music lessons are a terrific idea.
Child care at this age often feels like making a thousand sacrifices, and personal time is usually the first to go. You’ve only been parents for a year and a half! It’s totally natural for your husband to feel like he’s lost a lot of his freedom, and to wonder if he’ll ever get it back. A question I have for him is: Has he had a moment to accept that he won’t ever be the same person he was before fatherhood? It took me a while, but when I accepted that becoming a father changed me into someone new, I felt more ready to find joy in new places, like teaching my kids about things that I love. I’m really into music, and now I’m sharing my favorite albums with them. I also break out the chess set and let them play with the pieces. We have fun naming them—the queen is Mama, the king is Baba, and the pawns are their babies. Perhaps there’s a way for your husband to involve your kid in his hobbies—even if it’s a bit rudimentary for now.
When it comes to your existing routine, I have a few practical suggestions. Carving out a more stable routine with defined time blocks for activities might also help all of you—particularly on those chaotic weekends. It might be worth involving your kid in chores, too. For example, let them tear lettuce for a salad or find socks in the laundry pile while you fold. I’d also consider bringing on a regular babysitter for occasional moments away. Regular check-ins about what’s working and what isn’t are crucial. Sometimes, your husband might just need to vent, and that alone could help him feel immensely better. Every family is different, and what works for one might not work for another. The key is to find a balance that feels right for both of you. You’re both clearly dedicated parents, and with some tweaks or just a little more time, you’ll eventually find your rhythm.
As for having a second child, having two under 2 was extremely tough for us. There’s no way around that. But now, as our kids have gotten a bit older, they’re becoming friends and playing together, allowing us some unsupervised time while they stay in their room with their toys. My partner and I can enjoy a meal together or clean up the kitchen during that time. We’re thrilled to have reached a point where our oldest isn’t constantly needing something, and can help keep our youngest entertained. It’s an incredible feeling.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am blessed to have wonderful and supportive in-laws. We moved to be closer to my spouse’s family several years ago and they love us and do everything they can to support us. My mother-in-law is a healthcare provider and is very passionate about trying to help everyone around her be as healthy as possible. The rest of my spouse’s extended family and his sister’s family frequently consult her for medical advice, and she’ll even write prescriptions or order tests for them, which I feel is inappropriate. My spouse and I eat generally a very healthy diet and exercise regularly. We’re actually both also healthcare providers.
I’ve had some health issues come up that are auto-immune or pregnancy related, and while I’ve appreciated their support, am having trouble with my mother-in-law’s unwarranted attempts to manage the problem as if she is my healthcare provider—commenting on my diet, my use of plastic Tupperware, claiming I over-exercise or overwork myself and that is causing my problems, trying to get me to meditate, etc. It makes me feel horrible, as if my medical problems were my fault, and it also feels like a boundary is being overstepped. I love my in-laws and I want a way to explain to them that I want them in my life as my in-laws, my husband’s parents, and my child’s grandparents, but not as healthcare providers or advisors for me or my family. Any advice on how to help set this boundary when everyone else in the family is happy to utilize my mother-in-law as the family healthcare advisor?
—Daughter-in-Law, Not Patient
Dear Daughter-in-Law,
It seems like you already understand that your mother-in-law is well-meaning, so you’re already halfway there. Now you need to the boundary you’re drawing to her. I don’t know what your MIL is like, but I’m hopeful that if you are private and honest in your approach, and do everything you can to be respectful during the conversation, she will understand and make an equally honest attempt to reel it back. She probably won’t be perfect, though, so I would expect some slip-ups.
You should start the conversation by first expressing considerable gratitude, and openly appreciating and acknowledging her expertise and the love she shares with her family. This will help start the conversation with a positive tone. Then, state your needs clearly and earnestly. Explain that while you appreciate her advice, you prefer to manage your health issues with your own healthcare providers. Emphasize that this is not personal, and that you trust her knowledge and intention, but that you need to ask this of her because of your own feelings. Tell her that you feel overwhelmed and that you feel uncomfortable discussing your health with your family. I’d focus on making this about your own feelings and struggles, not her advice.
If you’re unsure whether this will go well, you might want to consider including her in your life in different ways. Suggest alternate ways she can continue to support you that don’t involve medical advice, like advice on raising children or how she manages stress personally. Maybe if you keep her talking about herself, this will redirect her attention away from your personal and private issues. I think the bottom line here is to approach this with empathy and clarity. Make sure that you are respectful, and that you show her you want to maintain the loving relationship you both share—you just want it to look a bit differently. Good luck!
—Aymann
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My friend’s kids don’t know that they’re adopted. My very good friend, let’s call her Stacy, was married years ago, to a man whose niece had a daughter at 16. My friend and her husband stepped up and took care of the baby most days for 18 months, until the birth mother came to them and announced that she just couldn’t do it anymore. They ended up adopting the baby. A couple years later, the birth mom came to them with the fact that she was pregnant again.