Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I recently learned that my partner and a member of our friend group had started to flirt with the idea of dating just before I came into my partner’s life. My partner and I have now been dating for three years, and during that time, I’ve become fairly close with much of my partner’s friend group— we regularly travel, hike, and have parties and game nights with them. It’s a fairly large group of around 20 people, mostly colleagues-turned-friends from my partner’s previous job. While I feel really close with parts of this group, I’ve always felt that this friend had held me at arm’s length. I’ve had a few confusing and harmful interactions with this person, and I often would ask my partner after a group trip or party if I had done something wrong or if he thought that I came off as stupid or obnoxious to his friends.
After having a confusing and seemingly mean-spirited exchange with this friend last month, my partner finally revealed that he and she had gotten close to dating just before he met me. They had hung out one-on-one a few times, and he thought that they were on track to begin dating, but then we met and he essentially cut off the one-on-one hangouts. I understand that this could have been confusing and upsetting for her, especially as she hasn’t seriously dated anyone since. I don’t understand why my partner waited so long to tell me the truth, even after I had expressed my insecurity about this friend to him so many times. I hate feeling disliked, and being around this friend has been a little torturous over the years—there were few overt signs that she didn’t like me, but enough weird interactions had piled up and it made me really anxious. I had no idea that I had hurt her when I came into this group and wished this had all been aired out a long time ago. Still, I understand that my partner didn’t want to air out his awkward dating history at the start of our relationship. Am I wrong to feel upset with him? And how do I contend with this the next time we travel with this friend group?
—Three Years of Confusion
Dear Three Years of Confusion,
You did not hurt this woman! Your partner hurt her. And it doesn’t sound like it was in a particularly mean-spirited way either. She just felt rejected, which is a normal part of dating. Maybe he could have communicated better about having met you and explained why they wouldn’t be hanging out anymore, and told her she was a great person. But she still would have had to live with the reality that he chose someone else over her. While that’s painful, it doesn’t justify her being mean to you.
The fact that she’s held onto the baseless grudge for three years does not reflect well on her, but it should make it easier for you to disregard the way she treats you. You’re not having unpleasant interactions with her because of something you did, because you’re not likable, or because of some misunderstanding. You’re having unpleasant interactions because she has the emotional maturity of a toddler. I know it’s not pleasant to feel as if you’re in conflict with someone—especially when you’re trying to enjoy a vacation—but if there is any way you can just remind yourself that she’s a troubled, unhappy person and this isn’t personal, it could really help to make this a non-issue the next time all of you travel or hang out.
As far as your partner: No, you’re not wrong to be upset! The initial decision not to share the history with you wasn’t awful. Some couples don’t get into those kinds of details with each other. But the fact that he let you suffer for three years wondering why this woman didn’t like you is pretty bad. He owes you an apology and a promise to err on the side of being open with you going forward, prioritizing your well-being over any potential awkwardness.
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Dear Prudence,
I want to get married someday, but I don’t know if I should marry my current boyfriend. Health is really important to me, and his current lifestyle is not healthy (by my standards). I want a husband who can stay active with me well into old age, and who will set a good example for our kids. (As a person with a chronic illness I know health is not fully in our control, but that makes it even more important to me to manage things that ARE in my control.) My boyfriend has said multiple times without my asking that he wants to start exercising and cooking from home instead of eating fast food every day. But he’s said this for years and there has been no significant change. People say it’s wrong to want someone in a relationship to change, but what if that person has independently expressed a desire to make that very change? Should I tell him directly that his current lifestyle would be a dealbreaker for me long-term, or does that sound too much like an ultimatum? Should I hold out hope or just call it quits?
—Conflicted Kale Eater
Dear Conflicted Kale Eater,
Your boyfriend is not alone in sincerely wanting to change his eating and exercise habits but not actually being able to do it. It’s why there’s so much hoopla about New Year’s resolutions every January. Everyone is thinking “This is the time I’ll really start living a new life!” But for many people, even those who have the best intentions, it’s really tough to follow through. My impression is that those who do prioritize a healthy lifestyle do it because it makes them feel good—they feel sluggish if they eat fast food and stressed or depressed if they don’t work out—not because someone else has pressured them into changing their ways. So even if your boyfriend knows that your relationship is at stake and that scares him into daily workouts and meal prep, I’m not convinced that he’d stick with it throughout your marriage. So, if you really can’t be happy with him the way he is now—a person who eats fast food every day, and would like to change his ways and may or may not do that on and off throughout his life—you should move on.
Dear Prudence,
My husband was invited to his co-worker’s wedding, which is a destination wedding in another country, a three-hour flight from where we live. I was not invited, and my husband does not get a plus-one (none of the bride and groom’s co-workers get plus-ones). Overall, this is costing us $750 in travel and accommodation for my husband. He’s happy to go, and I’m happy for him to go, mild annoyance about the cost aside. But we disagree about wedding etiquette here. Should I have been invited to the wedding, either as a named guest or a plus-one? Or do co-worker acquaintances not get that luxury, even for a destination wedding?
—Guestzilla
Dear Guestzilla,
I don’t believe in official etiquette for this kind of thing. It’s similar to the ongoing debate about whether it’s rude to have a cash bar. From the bride and groom’s perspective, there are wedding planning choices that save money and possibly annoy guests, and then there are wedding planning choices that cost more money and make the wedding a more welcoming experience for everyone. Your husband’s co-worker and their future spouse have chosen the former. They haven’t broken any rules, but the consequence of their decision is that many colleagues probably won’t attend and people like you might always mumble, “Those tacky jerks” when their names come up. For what it’s worth, what I actually think happened here is that they had a few more spots available at their venue, and they decided to invite co-workers as a nice gesture—so it would be less awkward to talk about the wedding at work, not because they thought the co-workers would actually come. It would have been totally understandable—and even expected—for your husband to politely decline. After all, if you sincerely want someone to travel overseas for your big day, telling them they have to come alone is not a great strategy.
Dear Prudence,
My sister and her two teenage sons moved in with me after she lost her job and their apartment. My house has only two bedrooms but mine has a study/nook that can be made somewhat private. My sister and I shared a room as girls so it seemed to be an easy solution. Only my sister can’t wrap her head around the concept of teaching her boys how to knock! They barge in at all hours of day and night because they are hungry or can’t find their charger or whatever. I have already given up a lot to help my family. I draw the line in the privacy of my bedroom. I had a big fight with my sister where she accused me of making a big deal over nothing and I yelled back that not wanting a pair of nearly teenagers to see me naked is normal and this isn’t. My sister is now sleeping in the living room and complaining about the noise and light (it has huge bay windows). She blames me for not getting any sleep. The energy of the house is just negative now. The plan was for them to move out in autumn. I don’t think I can make it. Help!
—Knock Please
Dear Knock Please,
Keep your promise to let them stay until autumn, reminding your sister of her move-out date every two weeks. And in the meantime, put a lock on your bedroom door.
Classic Prudie
One of the owners in my apartment building, “E,” has rented out her storage unit in the attic to “X.” This is against the rules of our homeowners association and E did not ask permission. We only heard after X had moved in, so the HOA decided to give X six months to find alternative housing because we didn’t want to leave her homeless. X has tried to convince us to let her stay several times.