Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
We recently found out our 5-year-old’s friend (also 5) is very interested in finding a private spot to show off his penis and scrotum. To our surprise, we interrupted him doing this in public and again recently during a get-together. I assume this is normal behavior for a kid in this developmental stage, and we aren’t aware of a reason to be concerned about him.
Nevertheless, we want to emphasize to our child that someone trying to get you alone to expose themselves to you and vice versa is not okay. After this happened, we obviously talked to our child in an attempt to be open and to enforce healthy boundaries about our bodies and other people’s. Since then, our kid has brought it up in little bits and pieces (his friend’s penis is circumcised, it’s skinny, etc.). Do I continue to remind my child that his friend should not have done what he did? I don’t want to become a broken record that stops my child from sharing important things like this with me. What’s the balance between listening and reinforcing things my kid needs to understand?
—Helping Not Harping
Dear Helping,
Your instincts here are correct: When your son brings up his friend’s penis, remind him that he should not have been exposed to it in the way he was. It’s totally fine to keep saying this again and again. It’s important that your child understands that what his friend did was inappropriate—even if it is developmentally normal to be inappropriate. You can do this without shutting down his observations; in fact, your role here is to both listen and reinforce. Let him know that it’s normal to notice the difference between his body and other people’s bodies, but that he nor his friends should be in the business of showing off their privates. Emphasize how important it is to tell the adult in charge when these things happen.
Even though it might feel like a lot, it’s unlikely that you’ll be having this conversation every day, and certainly not forever. His five year old friend will move on from this behavior, at some point. You don’t need to worry about being a broken record, or harping. It’s critical that your child develops a sense of bodily autonomy and that he knows better than to put his own intimate parts on display.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a 9-month-old son, “Logan.” Recently, we needed to attend an award ceremony for the company we work for and we hired our next-door neighbor’s 19-year-old daughter “Veronica” to sit for him for the evening. She has babysat the kids of other people we know and they had very positive things to say about her, so we felt comfortable having her watch our son. Nevertheless, three years ago, my sister had a terrible experience involving what turned out to be an abusive babysitter with her daughter, and as such, we have several nanny cams in our family room and the baby’s room that we use as a precaution whenever we have a sitter.
Not long after we arrived at the event, I received a call from Veronica. She said Logan had had a major diaper blowout and wanted to let us know she couldn’t answer the phone for a bit until she got him cleaned up and didn’t want us to worry in case we called and she didn’t pick up. I thought that was very considerate and thanked her for letting me know. Before we hung up, she asked how the evening was going for us. I told her it would be at least another couple of hours as the event had gotten a little behind schedule. She asked if I wanted her to call me back when she got everything taken care of, but I told her not to bother, said goodbye, and thought nothing of it.
When my husband and I arrived home, Logan was asleep in his crib, and we were relieved to find that the diaper mishap hadn’t ruined anything in the house. We thanked Veronica, paid her, and she drove home. We thought all was well. Then, we reviewed the nanny cam footage.
At first, things were normal and showed her holding and playing with Logan. Then, 45 minutes into the recording, Veronica left to answer the front door and returned, followed by three men. Veronica then took Logan out of the room. The nanny cam showed her placing him in his crib. While she was gone the men set up a webcam and undressed. When she returned, she was wearing nothing but some skimpy lingerie. The men then proceeded to film themselves having sex with her in our family room for an adult website, which they identified. As it turned out, the time on our nanny cam showed the men arrived 10 minutes after Veronica phoned me about Logan’s supposed diaper blowout. The footage from the security camera on our porch corroborated the time and showed the men arriving. A check of the trash revealed nothing to indicate a major clean up which confirmed my suspicion: there had been no diaper disaster. Instead, she was calling to make sure we wouldn’t come home unexpectedly.
My husband and I (reluctantly) visited the adult site and did a search for the name Veronica had used for herself in the video and found over 20 videos of her. We noticed something disturbing in the lineup of videos: we recognized the backgrounds in at least four of them as having taken place in the homes of friends whose children she has also sat for! We could tell based on the furniture, the room layout, and various knickknacks we saw in the background. We even saw a family photo of a couple we knew on the wall of one of the houses.
Were this a situation where only our place was involved, and as furious as I am, I would be willing forget about the whole episode and simply never have Veronica back to watch Logan again. The dilemma is that she watches the children of other people in our social circle on a regular basis and from what we saw in the videos, has definitely used their homes for her “exploits” and will assuredly continue to do so. I can’t imagine they are aware of it nor would want their homes turned into sets for adult movies. My husband thinks we should tell them. I am waffling between agreeing with him and not wanting to potentially open a can of worms. Do we have an obligation to let them know what we learned about Veronica, or should we keep our mouths shut?
—Overexposure Outrage
Dear Overexposure,
Perhaps the fact that your babysitter called to tell you about a blowout and basically asked you not to contact her should have been the first red flag. Blowouts, while they can feel like a never-ending mess, generally do not take that long to clean-up. But there are a few factors in your letter that make this situation, shall we say, unlikely, including that the stage name and website were caught on tape such that you could Google them. And, do 19 year olds really make phone calls? This whole scenario sounds like the work of a very anxious—or very horny—mind.
Still—babysitters, unfortunately, sometimes do inappropriate things while watching children. So, in the interest of promoting communication among neighbors and friends when that happens, I will tell you this: It would be unconscionable for you to keep this information to yourself. How would you feel if one of your friends found out Veronica was shooting porn in your living room and didn’t tell you? It isn’t the visibility of people’s houses in the clips that is the primary issue, it’s that this young lady is bringing strange men into her client’s homes and neglecting her charges while she films. What she is doing is beyond the pale, and I find it surprising that you wouldn’t want to confront Veronica yourself about it. What if your son needed her while she was mid-scene? What if one of these men stole something?
If I were you, I’d let her know that while she has every right to do porn on her own time, it is not acceptable to do it when she’s supposed to be caring for children and it is disgusting to do it in her clients’ homes, and that this is the reason you will not be having her back again. Imagine what would happen if she was babysitting for a child old enough to come out and see what she is doing. You need to inform every person you know that has hired her of what she’s been up to. This hustle needs to stop before something terrible happens.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have been married for almost a decade and have one child together. When I married him, I didn’t know his family well, only what he had told me about them. They seemed great. I wanted to connect with them, I wanted to blend. The closer I got to them, I learned they were not the people he said they were. They rejected me as his wife, they mistreated me, they disrespected me. And what’s more? He wasn’t on my side. He invalidated my experiences in order to save the relationship between him and his family, often at my expense. I treaded in murky waters for years. I prioritized him and his need for connection with his family above my own needs.
Now, I see things more clearly and I prioritize myself, and my husband has taken notice of my shift. It concerns him, which is understandable because my feelings towards him have changed. I spend more time alone and have created personal boundaries for my protection. I learned that he’s capable of hurting me, and I built a wall to protect myself from him, too.
Today, he validates everything I’ve been through and sees his family members for who they indeed are. He’s the product of an abusive household, and he was forced into the peacemaker role. I understand why he did what he did, but it still hurts. I want things to work out with him, and I want to move forward from our past, but sometimes I wonder if it’s possible. I’m not sure the wounds can heal and if I can trust my heart with him again. Do I get a grace period to focus entirely on myself, for once (plus my child, of course) while waiting for these feelings of resentment to subside? Or do I have to be an active participant in our marriage now and try to rebuild?
—Ambivalent Wife
Dear Ambivalent,
You can’t simply focus on yourself and disassociate from the relationship you have with your husband. That isn’t to say you can’t prioritize your healing, but if you want to move forward with this man, you do have to work with him. And he has to work with you. Some people believe it’s enough to admit when they’ve done wrong, but it’s not. He also has to be accountable for how his actions have harmed you, and capable of charting a new path alongside you.
The two of you should seek out marital counseling. A therapist will help you articulate your issues with your husband, and support his ability to process your feelings. Let your husband know that in order for the two of you to remain together, he has to be willing to work hard to make things better. You can also seek out a professional to speak to on your own to support you as you grapple with your experiences and emotions. Your husband can’t be the only person you talk to about these things.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My middle school-aged sons are part of a leadership group at our local community center. It’s run by a great and involved young woman, “Coach Anna.” They participate in weekly classes, as well as fundraisers and fun gatherings. Their most recent fundraiser was a coin drop at their Juneteenth event to cover summer camp costs for underprivileged kids. After I picked them up, my older son said one of the other kids in the group said, “I’m pocketing half the money. Don’t tell Coach Anna.” My son told the kid, “That’s not cool,” but left it there.
What’s my responsibility here? I’m friendly (not friends) with the kid’s mom, who is less than one week postpartum, so I hesitate to burden her with this. I could reach out to the coach, but I’m worried about it becoming a huge drama. His father is also employed by the community center and the whole family is very involved there. This isn’t the first time this kid has taken money (according to rumors I’ve heard); it’s just the first time I feel responsible. Technically, it’s still just hearsay coming from me.
—It’s Not All About the Money
Dear About the Money,
You need to tell the coach. People donated this money expecting to help underprivileged kids go to camp. It is possible this young man’s family may be struggling too, but he was not the intended beneficiary. What he did was wrong and he is the one who should have considered that his father works at the community center and may be embarrassed by his actions, and that his mom just had a baby and shouldn’t have to deal with such nonsense. The fact that you’ve heard other stories about this kid stealing money just further solidifies why you need to let an adult in charge of him know; it will be their job to get to the bottom of this. It’s unfortunate that his parents may be placed in an uncomfortable situation, but he’s the one responsible.
—Jamilah
More Advice From Slate
I’m a new mom to a wonderfully happy and healthy 5-month-old son. My mother, who only had girls, occasionally watches him, and is increasingly disturbed by him grabbing and pulling at his penis during diaper changes and baths. I tell her that this is normal for boys—but is it? At what age is this not appropriate? Do I try to distract him from grabbing his penis?