Is Honesty Always the Best Policy?

Few would argue with the importance of open and honest communication in healthy relationships. Have you ever been in a situation to ponder: is honesty always the best policy?

Of course, it’s easy to be honest when you have something nice or positive to say. Yet when honesty involves a potentially hard-to-hear communication, many of us experience some degree of stress when either delivering or receiving tough feedback.

You may avoid these tough conversations altogether, hoping the issue just goes away. You might avoid giving tough feedback because because you fear your honesty might be hurtful or elicit a negative reaction that you would rather not confront. Your reasons for avoiding delivering tough feedback, however, may have as much to do with how uncomfortable you may feel, as it does with how uncomfortable you might make the receiver feel.

Or you may be someone who prefers to hit the issue head-on and simply call it like you see it. Sometimes you will have a positive impact — and sometimes you will just cause distress. Yet keep in mind that if your focus is solely on being honest your results will be unpredictable.

“Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone – and hurt them to the bone – you can feel self-righteous about it at the same time.” Dave Van Ronk

An Honesty Policy for Whom and To What Ends?

Honesty can indeed be a good policy. It’s just that honesty alone is not enough to ensure honesty is always the best policy.

The problem with honesty is that what is honest for you as an individual is merely a personal truth. While something may be true for you, it is not necessarily THE absolute truth about a person or situation. But when you communicate in that way, believing you are right, there is only one thing the listener will hear — that someone or something is wrong or has done wrong. Once that happens, the conversation is over, even if the exchange of words continues.

Honesty is NOT always the best policy, when the purpose of your communication is to speak your truth without a conscious intention to actually make a difference for the receiver.

Also consider that to communicate difficult feedback effectively, you must also consider that your version of the truth may not match what the listener believes to be true about themselves or a situation.

Unless you stand in the world of the listener, your personal honesty policy all too often occurs like an assault. You may know this intuitively, which is why many people experience an internal struggle as they refrain from being completely honest.

3 C’s of Straight Communication

A complement to your personal honesty policy, consider this perspective. A key to ensure honesty is the best policy is to focus on being straight rather than just being honest. By that, I mean speaking honestly for the purpose of making a difference.

1. Are you CLEAR?

Do you know the specific point you want to make? If you can’t articulate the point in one simple sentence, you are probably not clear enough to be heard.

2. Is your communication CLEAN?

There is a big difference between speaking up to make a difference and speaking out to be heard. When the purpose of communicating is all about you, chances are it is not going to be clean – despite your honesty policy that you strive to live up to. Also, consider if what you are going to say is authentic for you. Be mindful of the temptation to say things you don’t really think are true just to make the other person feel comfortable. Trying to “soften the blow” usually ends up diluting the difference the communication could make.

3. Is your intention to CONTRIBUTE?

When you feel the need to demonstrate your personal honesty policy, it is important to consider the purpose. Do you want to be right or prove a point — or do you genuinely want to make a difference for the other person, a group, a situation, etc.? Do you want to improve a relationship or elevate someone’s performance? Your authentic intention matters more in ensuring a positive outcome than the elegance of your words.

Those who deliver difficult messages consistently in a way that earns respect, rather than fosters fear, are focused on something other than honesty: their primary focus is on making a difference.

The bottom line is this: if you want to communicate honestly as an act of leadership, focus on being straight first. You will not always succeed in making the intended difference. It can take a lot of courage and takes practice to master. So remember to appreciate yourself and others for every attempt, whether you succeed or fail.

I’d love to hear from you.  How do you respond to this question: Is honesty always the best policy?

Header Image credit: geralt

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